It's Like Drowning, Only I See You Breathing.

Matt pov:

School, a social hell. Don't say you enjoyed high school I know you're lying. “It's a safe place where everyone accepts you for who you are.” hah yeah right, are you forgetting what it was like when you went?

My hoodie sleeves are already as far down as they can be, but still I tug at them trying to make them cover the very tips of my fingers. The hallways are crowded and I can hear them all talking and laughing, and even though I know it's irrational my brain still convinces my that they're laughing at me.

How could they not laugh at you? Look at what you're wearing, look at your face, they're probably staring and wondering how someone could look so pathetic.

Irrational thoughts, yes, but still they plague my every thought. They torture me until I want to cry, until I can't breathe, they're what sends me into a state of panic and frustration. Tugging at my sleeves again I try to make it to class without wanting to hide in the bathroom. Another day and I can only be glad that I have my homeroom with the one person who doesn't make me feel like a social reject. My head quickly sweeps side to side trying not to make eye contact with anyone. If you hadn't guessed people make me nervous they're my worst possible fear. Everything can be predicted except the behavior of a person. To me human beings are designed to hurt one another, they cause pain without realizing it and they leave you broken without even caring, which is why I refuse to get to attached because everyone just leaves in the end right? Anxiety is what professionals call it, I call it not being socially comfortable. It's like you can't breathe, you're drowning but everyone else is breathing, you can see them, but for some reason your lungs refuse to intake are. It's the knot in your chest that tightens every time someone says your name, the queasy feeling in your stomach at the thought of having to go to school. Anxiety is drowning, dying inside from your insecurities eating you alive, but your trying not to show it, it's my hell, every nightmare I could think of, and the worst part? It's all in my head. Finally I spot the room and rush inside and to the back, my eyes never leave the floor.
“Matty!!”
I breathe a sigh of relief as I realize it's just Jack.
“Hey, Jack”
I smile slightly at him, Jack has been my best friend since before I could remember, the lanky kid is really sweet and funny once you get to know him, and once you get past all his terrible dick jokes.
“Hey, hey, matty did you know we get a new kid today?”
I groan, “Oh god not more new people, isn't there enough already?”
He laughs and pokes at my cheek, “Relax it'll be fine, I promise” I laugh and push his hand away, I can't help it his laughter is infectious. As we're trying to poke at each other more people begin to file in.
“Class! Settle down! I would like to introduce the new student, his name is Alex Gaskarth he just recently was enrolled, previously he was home schooled, I expect you all to be nice”
I glanced up to see who the new kid was and immediately sank further into my seat, the knot in my chest tightened.
“Hey, new kid wanna come sit over here?” jack practically yelled across the room. I looked over begging him to stop, is he crazy?
“Jack! What are you doing?” I stage whispered at him.
“Making new friends, something you should learn to do.”
I just groaned and attempted to make myself even smaller as the new kid, Alex, made his way over. Blonde, that's what he was and it was totally adorable, his hair was styled in the perfect way making it look like he'd just had sex, not that I'd know what that would look like. He was possibly one of the cutest things I've ever seen and the fact that he had a killer smile just made it even worse.

This is going to end badly very very badly. Jack why do you hate me?

“Hi” he smiles, that gorgeous smile, at Jack. I sink further down and put my headphone in hoping to avoid any contact and confrontation.

“Hey I'm Jack, and that's Matt, you can call him Flyzik or Matt though. So you're new? What's with the sudden decision to attend an actual high school?”

I look to the ceiling,
maybe time will fly past and he won't talk to me wouldn't that be nice. Maybe I can make myself smaller, or I could leave I'm sure the teacher would let me go to th-
“Matty!”
“Huh?” I glance over startled from my thoughts, and stare questioningly at the kid I'm starting to question as my friend.
“Don't be rude, say hello, alex was just explaining why he came here.”
I glance hesitantly at the other boy and manage a weak smile, he smiles brightly in return and I swear the knot tightens and my stomach flips.
“H-hi.” I blush at my stutter and immediately turn and try to make myself as small as possible.
“Matty tends to be a little shy, sorry about that. He just really gets nervous around people.”
“It's fine, it's kinda cute,” my blush deepens and I try to hide my quickly reddening face, “anyway, I'm Alex, it's nice to meet you.” I just nod and try to avoid eye contact.
“What's your schedule alex?” Jack almost always does most of the talking, for anything really, it's just the way our friendship works.
“Homeroom here, obviously. Algebra 2 with Vaughn, Music with wheatly, language with buyers, Lunch, art with tudor, science with alvarado, and then history with LaClair.”
“Great! You have music, art, and history with the both of us, fair warning most of the teachers here are assholes. The Algebra room is right across from History, Matty can show you he has that next.” I groan internally at this and shoot Jack a look that's desperately asking him to not do this to me, which he happily ignores. The bell rings and usually I would be happy that I got through the hour but as I leave Alex follows me.
“So, where am I supposed to go?” he asks happily
“This way' I say quietly as I make my way to the hall with my history class, it's a short walk and I quickly point him to the room across the hall and walk away before he can say anything else. As I slip into history I look at the board and groan, presentations today, I had completely forgotten. I sit to the back hoping she forgets about me today.
“Okay class, today we're going to present the reports we did on the kings and queens of France. Do I have any volunteers?” no one raises their hands and I know this means she's going to pick someone. I unconsciously sink further into my seat. “Fine no volunteers? I guess we'll just pick one off of the attendance sheet. Matthew Flyzik? You're up.” I groan and look up at her she can't be serious right? But the look in her eyes says she is. I get up and grab the folder with my report and make my way to the front of the class.
“My report, um, is on Queen Antoinette, um I-”
they're all staring. Oh god, don't why can't they look down?
I hear whispering They're probably whispering about me, they're talking about me aren't they? I can feel my hands getting sweaty, and my heart beat speeding up, I still haven't continued and they're still just staring, Mrs. LaClaire keeps looking at me.
I can't do this not with all them looking at me. They probably think I'm weird, I can't even give a report without looking dumb.
I look down at my paper and try to continue, only to have the laminated cover slip through my palms and papers go everywhere. I hear giggles and laughs as I try to pick them all up. More whispering and giggles and I can't do it, tears start to form and the knot is getting too tight, it's getting harder to breathe. I get up and rush from the classroom
can't let them see, can't let them see
I keep repeating it in my head the knot is unbearable now I can't inhale finally I'm in the bathroom. My breathing is erratic and tears sting in my eyes , my stomach is doing flips trying to up heave the breakfast I had. I can't breathe, I'm starting to hyperventilate.
they were looking, they were probably laughing and now they're probably talking about how I just ran. I'm so stupid aren't I? Can't even give a report in front of 23 or so people without going into a panic. Come on breathe, please make it go away, please.
Tears start streaming down my face, I started scratching at my wrist without noticing, rubbing it to a raw. I'm too distracted to hear the door open or notice the blonde that walks in.
“Matty? Matty! Are you okay?” I glance up to see Alex there looking horrified. Between erratic breathes I try and tell I'm okay, only to have half words and pants come out.
The only thing I can think is I am so fucked.