Fixated

I needed air and I needed it fast; the information that I’d just acquired had hit me like ten cinderblocks dropped from the top of a fifty-storey building. I threw a dressing gown over my shoulders and flung myself from the silk laden bed and staggered unsteadily toward the balcony. I bent myself over the steel railings; pressing the icy, metal bar against my balmy midriff. As I looked out onto the brightly lit streets of Piccadilly, I lit a cigarette and thousands of invasive thoughts began to race through my mind. How long had he known? How could he have left me all these years, not able to thank him? No, no I’ve worked too long and too hard to become normal and forget about my past, for him to just throw that at me. A mixture of vivid flashbacks and emotions flooded my head. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how I was feeling at that particular moment in time. I simply stared vacantly out into the night, robotically inhaling and exhaling smoke.

Sherlock’s warm hand slid down my tense, clammy spine and laid to rest on the small of my back. I stiffened up. “Laura, listen, I should’ve said something earlier..Uh, I just wasn’t sure if I should have said anything at all.” To be completely honest, I didn’t know either. Maybe this idyllic, perfect scenario where Plain Jane, me, and Sherlock Holmes had our surprise, little rendezvous romance was simply too nonsensical. Something dark, out of the ordinary had to accompany it; my past would never leave me. I should’ve known better.
I continued to gaze vapidly into the distance, Sherlock was quickly garbling out words next to me but I couldn’t hear him properly. I turned and looked up at him, giving him a lingering kiss; stopping him mid sentence.
“I need time...but thank you..for everything.” After I’d stubbed my cigarette out, I proceeded to pull on the few items of clothing I had been wearing, grabbed my bag and stumbled out of the door in my ridiculous heels leaving Sherlock rubbing his temples at the edge of the bed.

My head pounded as I sat slumped in a taxi headed to my apartment. What was I doing? What was happening to me? I was being stalked, the best detective in the world had achieved nothing in finding the culprit. Instead, he rendered me feeling like the reckless, dangerous young girl I once was. Living on the fringe of life, a rollercoaster of jeopardy, uncertainty, toxicity; he’d bought it all back and now I knew why. He said I was ‘safe’ with him, but why did I never feel that way? Sure, I wasn’t being stalked so to say, and I did feel guarded when I was around him...yet, what I felt inside was not sheltered at all. And that really bloody terrified me. I’d yearned so hard to be an ‘average-Joe’ for so long and it was all crashing down around me. I could act and pretend all I wanted, but my life as I knew it was no longer normal and I didn’t know what to do.
But for now, I just wanted to get back to my own space, try my best to carry on with my normal routine and forget about Sherlock Holmes for a while. After all, his purpose was to help me with this godforsaken nuisance stalker. It was certainly not to fuck me senseless, screw with my mind, play with my emotions and then announce that, as a matter of fact, was the man that saved my life when I was seventeen.

The next morning, I took a valium and proceeded to pull on my white blouse, black pencil skirt and prepared myself for my first shift at work in a long while. I’d already explained to my boss that I was having some personal issues which explained my absenses and thankfully, he let me off on the condition I was to work overtime this week.
It was sort of refreshing being back at the little bistro; a taste of normality, a time to forget about the past few weeks- however real they still remained. Amanda, my work colleague and one of my few friends welcomed me back with a warm hug. “Where the hell have you been, Laura? Do you know how many tables I’ve had to clean this week when I should have been at home watching Grey’s Anatomy?” She let out a soft chuckle and playfully punched me on the shoulder.
“Sorry, Mandy. Things have been..hectic.” I smiled back as I stacked plates onto my arm.
“You know I do have a phone! A call or a text would’ve been nice!” I held my head down, “I know, I know. I’m sorry! I’ve barely even charged my phone the past few weeks, I’ve just had no time to breathe.”
“What, because you’ve had Sherlock Holmes’s dick in your mouth solidly for the past month” I almost dropped my plates, trying to shush her. How did she even know I’d been in contact with Sherlock?
“Keep your voice down! What- no! That’s ridiculous. I told you I’ve just had a lot going on at the moment-” I stammered.
Amanda dropped her tone, “Listen, it’s hardly a secret what’s been going on. The press does exist, you know...not to mention his sidekick’s famous blog.” Bloody John. And so help me, I didn’t even think of the press, in all the excitement I’d completely forgotten that Sherlock Holmes was something of a national celebrity. “Listen, you should’ve told me..you know..about the stalker. You’re welcome to stay round mine for a while if you like? That’s scary stuff, Laura and you shouldn’t have to feel alone in it.” She said on a more sombre note.
At that moment I felt my phone buzz, I quickly eyed up the text notification which read, “I’m sorry. Meet me later, please. - SH” and shoved it right back into my pocket. I smiled and nodded, “You know, that would be great actually. It got a bit too cosy living at Sherlock and John’s place.”
“Ha! I knew you two were doing the dirty. Who would have thought it...you and...Sherlock Holmes. What a pair.”
“It’s not like that.” I snapped and walked away briskly into the kitchen.