Give Me Envy, Give Me Malice, Give Me Your Attention

Ryan stood tiredly, leaning his elbows on the polished wooden banister. The dark rings around his eyes were even darker than usual, appearing almost bruised. His hair hadn’t been brushed, his mood hadn’t been changed, and to put it bluntly, he was a wreck. His brown eyes kept flickering distractedly from the old portrait hanging elegantly on the wall ahead of his to the several flights of spiral staircases below him.

It had been three nights now. He kept arguing with himself in his mind about whether or not he should see how Anna was going. So far, he’d managed to convince himself not to. Why the hell had he done it? Was all the blood he drank messing up his brain? Maybe that’s why William Beckett turned into such a psycho. Anna… He knew she had feelings for Beckett. He also knew that he had wanted to kiss her for way too long now. So why was he so confused now that he’d done it? What if she never wanted to speak to him again? He wouldn’t be able to stand it if she wasn’t a part of his ‘life’. What if he’d ruined their friendship? ...Then why had she kissed him back? Why was everything so mixed up? Why did he have no idea what to do? Why did he have so many questions swirling his brain?

Ten minutes of staring at the unknown face painted ahead of him, Ryan had given in. He needed to see if Anna looked half as confused as he felt. Eyes glowing gold, Ryan glanced down through a few floors to Anna’s room. He knew its exact location in the Dandy mansion, having looked there so many times before he had officially met her. His eyes started to burn with un-fallen tears as he saw the state she was in. She looked like a mess. A beautiful mess. Her long dark hair was slightly messy, obviously unchanged since the night he had brought her to Jon’s restaurant, and her eyeliner was smudged all over her eyes and cheeks. She was sitting perfectly still in the very middle of her big, perfectly made bed. She was still wearing the beautiful black dress she was wearing the other night, and the skirt of the dress rested in a circle around her. Her skin looked as pale as ever, and her eyes remained closed. It seemed as though she was in thinking mode, and her eyebrows furrowed slightly in confusion. Although her body stayed frozen, her facial expression was changing ever so slightly. She seemed to be getting more and more frustrated, as if she was losing an inside battle with herself.

In a quick moment, her face released the emotion in defeat and her bright green-yellow eyes snapped up to meet his gold ones. Their eyes lingered for less than a second before they both dropped their gaze and returned to what was actually in front of them, both slightly embarrassed at being caught.

What had they done?

Ryan stood where he was in silence for ten more minutes, contemplating all the questions and thoughts crowding his brain again and again. Why, why, why, why, why. It was the most overused word in his head right now. Every thought begun with ‘why’. Lost in his own world of why, Ryan jumped slightly when he heard someone speaking to him.

“Ryan Ross.”

He shook off the surprise and tilted his head towards his friend.

“Travis McCoy.”

“That’s m’name, don’t wear it out,” Travie grinned, but his grin fell as he drew closer and took in Ryan’s disheveled appearance. “Woah, man, what’s going on?”

Ryan just shook his head and stared down at the banister again.

“Dude, you really need to find yourself a girl,” Travie joked, trying to lighten the mood. Needless to say, it did not exactly have the effect he was hoping for. Ryan remained staring glumly at the banister. 'If only he knew…'

“Come on, man, talk to me. I haven’t spoken to Anna in three nights. I need someone to keep me company. Speaking of Anna…” He lowered his voice and his tone got more serious. “She won’t let anyone in her room. I looked through and she was a mess. Do you know anything about it?”

Even with Travie’s questioning stare upon him, Ryan continued to look down, not saying anything.

“You do, don’t you?” Travis guessed. “You know what’s wrong.”

Ryan made the mistake of looking in Travis’ eyes. They were so full of concern and care for Anna that it hurt Ryan’s heart. Travis genuinely cared about Anna. Only as a friend, but he still cared about her. Ryan didn’t care enough. He had put his own selfish wants in the way and put her in a difficult position rather than making her happy. Ryan sighed and nodded his head before looking back down again.

“Travis, I…” He needed to say it. He needed someone to know, but the words just wouldn’t come out easily enough. “I-I’m in love with Anna.”

“Woah, what?” Travie asked, clearly not believing what he heard.

“I love her.”

Travie’s face broke out in a huge grin.

“I knew something like this would happen eventually! This is so…”

“Terrible?” Ryan interrupted. “Tragic? Wrong? Fucked up?”

Travie’s face fell again.

“Well, um, I was gonna go with something along the lines of ‘great’, but I can see that our opinions vary…”

“Great?” Ryan asked disbelievingly. “How the hell could something like this be great? Beckett bit her, Travie! Beckett turned her. Anna will always have feelings for him because his poison is inside of her. She will never ever return my feelings because she’ll always be blinded by her ‘love’ for Beckett. As much as she hates it, she’ll be connected to him forever. Twisted, supernatural heartaches like this can never turn out well.”

Travis waited a few moments before answering. “Oh.”

“This is so fucked up,” Ryan sighed exasperatedly, his head in his hands.

“Hey man, it’ll be okay,” Travis said awkwardly.

“No it won’t, Travis. I’ll tell you why? Because being the complete moron that I am, I kissed her last night. Nothing’s ever going to be the same.”

“There’s no way that you could possibly know that for sure,” Travis told him quietly.

Ryan didn’t answer. Five silent minutes later, Travis spoke again. “I’m going to go and talk to Anna.”

Ryan opened his mouth to protest, but Travis didn’t give him the chance, running down the hallway so fast he was less than a blur. Ryan shook his head and ran to his room so as not to run into anyone he’d rather not have a conversation with.

***

Knock knock knock.

Anna groaned.

“Go away!” she yelled at whoever was at the door.

“Come on Anna, this is serious. I need to talk to you.”

She recognized Travie’s voice. She didn’t know whether she was happier or sadder that it wasn’t Ryan. Her head was swimming in confusion.

“Why bother asking?” she called out, her voice muffled because her face was buried in the
material of her dress. “I know you’ll come in anyway.”

“But I want your permission,” she heard him call.

“Fine,” she said bluntly. It was amazing that he heard her, because she said it more to herself.

Travis let himself in and came to sit on the end of Anna’s bed. Anna kept her head down, resting on her knees that were hugged tightly to her chest. She was ashamed. It was bad enough that Ry... he had to see her in such a state, and now here was one of her only other friends, probably thinking ‘What the hell is it this time?!’. At this thought, more tears ran from her eyes and a quiet sob escaped her lips.

“Anna?” Travis asked softly.

He didn’t seem irritated or angry at all. He didn’t even really seem like he was going to ask her what happened. He almost sounded like he was asking for permission to speak to her. To comfort her. Anna sniffed and raised her head a fraction in reply. Travis wasn’t as surprised by her black, tear-stained cheeks and watery eyes as she thought he would be.

“Anna, I...” Travis began, unable to find the right words. “I... Ryan told me what happened.”

Anna dropped her head again and began to cry harder. Travis crawled across the bed and hugged her tightly. Still in despair, Anna allowed her body weight to fall on her friend.

“Shh... shh...” Travie comforted.

“What have I done?” she whispered, barely audible.

“You haven’t done anything, Anna. It’s not your fault.”

“Yes it is.” she whispered again. Her voice was hoarse and croaky from lack of use over the last few nights. “If I hated Beckett the way I want to hate him this would all be a good thing.”

“No Anna,” Travie said firmly. “Blame Beckett for you being unable to hate him. It’s his poison that makes you feel this way."

Anna shook her head and kept crying, only this time in silence. She looked full of self-loathing.

“I want to love Ryan, Travie. I want to love him completely. I’m stuck in this world forever, and I want to be with him forever. But I can’t. I can’t because for some twisted reason I won’t let go of Beckett. I hate him so much, but I love him too. And I can’t help it. It’s like humans have a need for water. I need Beckett. No matter how much I despise him, part of me will always want to be with him, and Ryan deserves more than that. He deserves someone who will love him as much as he loves them. I can’t be that person. I can’t be any person anymore. The most I can do is be a killer."

“That’s not true,” Travie told her sternly. “We can all be more than that. And Ryan deserves to be with the one he loves. That person happens to be you.” Travie smiled. “I’ve never seen him as happy as he is when he’s around you. His eyes just light up, almost as if he’s human again. You don’t even know how he could be before he knew you. He was the general perception of ‘vampire’. He just existed. He would smile politely around friends, but when he thought no one was looking, he just looked depressed. And there was nothing anyone could do about it. Until he met you. You love him. Deep down, I know you do. Whatever hold Beckett has over you... I can’t even begin to understand it, but it’s just his magic. I never thought I’d say something like this seriously, but truth should win over raw magic any day. And you and Ryan love each other so much. Anyone can see that... okay, well maybe only Chiz and I can, but you know what I mean. I don’t think human bodies could even comprehend the strength of vampiric feelings, but you two... the feelings you have are the strongest of the strong. I don’t know how you do it.”

Anna stared at him in awe. She never expected such words to come from Travie’s mouth. Travie was the fun, light-hearted one. But now she knew he was much more perceptive than he let on. She looked up at him and met his gaze. He seemed to be hurting for her. She wondered, for the millionth time, where she would be now if she never met him. Or any of them.

“Thank you,” she mouthed. She had tried to whisper it, but no sound came out.

Travie smiled gently and stood up to leave. When he reached the door, he paused and turned his head back to her.

“You both deserve to be with the ones you love. Regardless of everything.”

He didn’t give her a chance to respond as he swept from the room. Anna stayed where she was, staring at the closed door. One thought stuck out from all the others messing up her mind. 'I want to be strong enough to defeat the magic. I can be strong enough. Can’t I?'

'I hate magic.'