Imprinted Years

“Abre?” I hear a familiar voice call in the darkness and I shiver as I recall the previous moments.

How I ventured into a room that I believed I’d forgotten. I’d not seen this room in many years, yet I almost immediately remembered why I loved this place as soon as I’d entered it.

For this was our place.

And in our hearts, it still is.

“Abre! Please answer me. I’m sorry if I startled you before, but I was just worried about you! Please Abre. Answer me. Wake up. Answer me!”

His pleads turn to shrieks of despair and angst and the longer I ignore his request for me to wake up, the angrier he gets.

But as well as that, the pain in his heart rises.

I need to wake up!

Now!

“Abre! Why are you doing this to me?” He cries sorrowfully into my left ear and I feel a stabbing sensation just about where my heart is.

He’s killing me.

I feel gone already.

Even though I’m only sixteen years old.

This can’t be my end.

Though my heart is beating fast.

And my lungs are breathing in more air than allowable.

What if I run out of oxygen to breathe?

What if my body goes into complete meltdown?

What if I die and nobody cares?

“Father, I’m sorry I left and I’m sorry I hurt you. Every time I went off in a strop when I was younger. Every time I refused to do my chores. Every time I told you I hated you.

I don’t hate you father.

I never can hate you.

For I love you too much father and I’m saddened now, for I’m only just realising the error of my childish ways.
How I turned my back on you endlessly as a young Asgardian, but to be truthful father, I’ve never been like you.

I’ve never been an Asgardian.

Never have I even been a frost giant.

And I never will be.

Which is why I must leave you.

And that is the only real thing killing me right now.

So I say to you, goodbye father.

And I promise you that I will love you.

Forever.

And always…

Love Abre, your daughter in spirit, but never in blood.

I know who I am now.

I know what I must do.

Thank you.”

“Abre!” His voice rises incredulously with such pain I can’t quite describe, yet I feel broken. I feel like my wings have snapped off and that I’ve been left paralysed.

I am no angel.

Never have I been one.

Yet now, I choose to picture myself as such a beauty. One that captivates the moon with her beauty. One that takes over sunlight, for she shines brighter.

I am not beautiful.

Not in the way that inspires.

Not in the way that strengthens others.

I am lost.

In the way that breaks.

In the way that sure hurts.

Yet I’m surviving.
“Abre… are you okay?” I hear her voice in the distance and a part of me smiles inside, yet I know neither of them can see this.

“Abre, please, if you can answer us then do so!” She shouts louder, for she’s worried and extremely so.

Maybe even more worried than Benedict.

Now that’s a thought…

“I can’t go.” I manage to murmur almost breathlessly. I realise that I’m lying flat on the floor, with the ceiling above me. I see black and then I realise, I’m not seeing anything at all other than the inside of my eyelids.

When I open my eyes, I see them crouched over me.

And I wish for them to leave.

Why, I don’t know…

“What?” Jessica asks curiously. Not knowing why I can’t go or where I can’t go for that matter. But of course she doesn’t know.

“Where is it you can’t go, Abre? Please. Tell us.” Benedict pleads and tries to gently caress my battered skin with his hand.

I realise that I am in fact battered, as he takes caution with this action, yet I stop him before our skin can even touch.

For some reason, I don’t want him to touch me.

Not in any way…

“The holiday.” I breathe in and out slowly, catching my breath.

Why, I still don’t know…

“What about the holiday Abre?” Jessica asks me alarmed and I try to sit up. Yet no matter how hard I force myself, nothing works and I give up lamely.

I then decide to try again.

And again.

And again.

“Stop!” Benedict shouts suddenly and softly lies me back down. I scowl at him for doing so, because I don’t want him to save me.

I don’t want for his sweet love to engrave me.

I want him to leave me.

And not see me in this way.

For his sake…

“What about the holiday Abre?” Jessica asks slowly now, as if to emphasise every single damn word.

I sigh impatiently and answer her.

And I hold back all care I have for her.

“I can’t go!” I shout louder than I anticipated and try again to sit up. When Benedict attempts to tend to me for the second time, I punch him hard in the jaw.

“Don’t you dare touch me!” I snarl at him and then turn to fixate my gaze on Jessica. “And it’s not exactly that I can’t go, it’s that I don’t want to go. Understand?”

“Abre, why the hell-“

“No, don’t you speak. I am not having you take over my life again Jessica!”

“When did I-“

“There you go again!” I scream at her and once again turn to see Benedict, who seems almost afraid of me now.

Too right.

He should be.

“And you! Why the hell do you keep getting so fucking close to me? I don’t want for you to heal me! Got it?” I sigh once again, only this time I taste bile afterwards when I swallow.

I think I’m about to throw up, I think to myself drastically and try to breathe again.

“Abre, I’m sorry if I-“

“Oh do shut up Benedict! I’m fine on my own! I don’t need YOU patronising me all the fucking time. Just-just-“ I try to think, but I can’t. I can only spit out words that mean hardly anything to me.

“Just piss off already!”

It wasn’t like me to swear this much, but I did and I swore at those I loved. Not only at them, but in spite of them too.

I’m sorry.

I can say the words, but no one other than myself can ever believe me.

And even I don’t believe me.

What does that say?

“Abre, please. I don’t care how much you punch me or how many swear words come out of those lips of yours. I am never going to give up on you. I love you Abre. You know that!” His eyes turn to rivers of sorrow and my heart somewhat melts.
Yet my eyes don’t.

They spark an even stronger fire of hatred and inspire such a lust for disaster.

I am ashamed of that spark.

I am ashamed of that fire.

I am ashamed of me.

“Benedict, you-!” I was about to say that he meant nothing to me and I would’ve said it, if he didn’t then interrupt me.

“No, you fucking listen!” His words startle me and this forces me to sit up slightly and listen to him.

He’s never sworn at me before.

I then realise why he’s decided to start now.

I’ve pushed him too far…