Christie Road

One day followed another in a familiar repetition for a while. Billie, Mike and Tre spent a little time unwinding, and then slipped back into their old routine of band practice, meeting at the tracks, and drinking beer until the nights wound themselves down and there was nothing left but to head home. There were the new songs to be fine tuned, and Lawrence had a second recording date set up for them for the new EP, but for the most part, they had long stretches of time unclaimed by any demands or responsibilities.

Lani waited more than a week after Billie returned to call again, and when she did, Ollie obligingly ran interference for him, telling the girl he was out. She didn't exactly lie; he had walked outside on the porch to smoke, telling her that he wasn't ready to talk about it yet. But Lani clearly knew the truth, knew he was avoiding her, and the sting of hurt in her voice made Ollie feel sad for her.

Twice Billie had aimlessly walked through the woods by himself, taking the nearly hidden side path that led to the dilapidated shack. Once he was there, he sat on the edge of the bunk, staring at the walls, not sure why he had come, but hesitant to leave. He had kept the picture, and the stuffed spider was safely wrapped in a plastic bag in the trunk of his car, for no good reason at all that he could think of.

Finally the day came when he answered the phone, and heard Lani's velvet voice, and he was no longer able to avoid facing what he had done to her. He expected anger from her, and was ready to defend himself, but she threw him a curve that he hadn't anticipated.

"How was the rest of the tour?" she asked, and there was no sarcasm or bitterness.

"It was good, no problems," he answered vaguely. He was wary, waiting for the change in her demeanor that he was sure would come.

"That's great." She was silent for a moment, and he could hear her soft breathing. "Billie, there's something I wanted to tell you, if you'll let me."

He braced himself. "Okay, go ahead."

"I know I really pushed you into taking me with you on the tour, and when I got home, I started thinking about how hard it made things for you. There was enough for you to worry about without me tagging along and distracting you. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for being so demanding."

He waited, thinking the other shoe would drop any moment, and that she would finish with the inevitable, "But..."

"Are you still there?" she asked, and there was a tremble in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm here," he answered softly. "Um, look, I really do appreciate what you're saying. It took a lot for you to do this, and I know I owe you an apology, too. I didn't mean to be such a bastard to you, I swear, and if you can't forgive me, I understand." Now that the chaos of touring had worn off, he realized how deeply he'd dived into self-indulgence, and looking back on it, he wasn't proud.

"We both fucked up, didn't we?" It was unlike her to curse, and he couldn't stifle the little laugh.

"Yeah, I guess we did. Me more than you, I think."

"So how did things end up? Did you meet someone you liked?" He could tell the question was innocent, no traps waiting to snare him.

"No, just made a few new friends, that's all." Friends with benefits, he thought to himself, but there was no need to go into that. "I really acted pretty stupid. Mike and Tre kept my ass out of trouble more than once. Guess I've got a lot to learn about keeping my shit together."

"It's not so hard to imagine wanting to cut loose, especially your first time out touring. You should be able to enjoy all the crazy stuff that goes with it. You've earned it."

Whatever relief he felt that he wasn't getting his ass handed to him was overshadowed by the guilt that was steadily building in his gut. She sounded so defeated, so small and lost, but she wasn't taking it out on him this time. And for the first time, it began to dawn on him that maybe she wasn't the person he had thought she was.

"Lani, I want you to know that it wasn't your fault. It was me, being selfish and dumb. You did so many nice things for me, and you were amazing. I'm just sorry I didn't see it sooner."

"I don't know, Billie, I think it was as much me as it was you. If I hadn't forced you into taking me, you wouldn't have felt so trapped and pressured. Maybe when you came home you would have still wanted to see me. Or maybe not, I'm just saying it would have been a lot less complicated. I guess I was just so afraid of losing you that I thought I could hold on to you by being there all the time. That was pretty stupid, too." It was the most honest and reasonable thing she'd ever said to him, and he had to believe she had done a lot of thinking and growing up while he was gone. Maybe it was time for him to do the same thing.

"Can I ask you one thing?" he said hesitantly.

"Sure, anything."

"After everything that happened, I know you've got to be upset and hurt, but have I made you hate me?" He didn't really want to know, and yet he needed to. There was so much he felt he needed to make right.

She could have said yes. She could have told him, even nicely, that he had broken her heart and that she'd never quite be able to forget it. She could even have been sarcastic--"Well, what do you think?" But she said none of those things.

"Billie, I know you think I'm really immature and naive. I guess I am, in a lot of ways. But there's one thing you need to be clear about. When I told you that I loved you, I meant it. And that won't change, no matter what you do. I don't expect you to feel the same, but I can't lie to you about it. So don't ever think for one second that I could hate you."

It was the gentlest of gut shots, and it went deep. He would almost rather she had torn into him, given him his punishment so he could feel at least he had paid his due. But he didn't know what to do with this.

"You're an incredible person, Lani," and as he said it, he realized how true it was. He had underestimated her, or maybe he just hadn't gotten a chance to see the real person under all the fluff. Either way, she was much more than he had given her credit for. "I hope whoever you're seeing now knows how lucky he is."

"Please don't, Billie." She sounded close to tears.

He didn't understand. "I'm sorry--what did I say?" The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her more.

"You don't really think I'm dating anyone else, do you?"

"Well, I figured you'd probably gotten sick of me and moved on. You're a beautiful girl, and I know there's any number of guys who'd give anything to go out with you." Could he be digging himself in deeper without meaning to?

She sighed. "You really don't get it, do you?"

His face was drawn into a frown of confusion. "I guess not. I'm really sorry, but you're going to have to spell it out for me."

It possible to hear agony down the impersonal length of a telephone line? "Fine, then, if I have to say it, I will. I still love you, Billie. I know I shouldn't. I know I should be mad at you for cheating, and even madder for getting Tre to lie for you. My head knows all those things. But my heart could give a damn. I can't forget you, I can't stop thinking about you, and I can't stop loving you. There, are you happy?" She was crying quietly now.

He sat in stunned silence for a few seconds, trying to understand how she could feel this way. He'd behaved so badly, and taken such rude advantage of her. He had used her and then sent her packing. And yet she still loved him.

But he still couldn't say the words to her.

"Lani, I don't know what to say. I--"

"You don't need to say anything. I know you never felt the same way. I wanted to believe you did, but you were right--you never once lied to me about that."

It made him feel a little sick, to know that he held her heart in his hand, and couldn't give her the one thing she wanted most from him. "I wish--God, you have no idea how much I wish it was different. I really do care about you a lot, and I love being with you. But I just can't..."

"I know." He could hear her sniffling, tiny little hitching sobs barely audible through the phone.

He reached deep inside, trying his best to be something better than he had been. He wanted desperately to not be that man anymore. "Maybe I just need to grow up a little. I used to think I knew what being in love meant, but I'm not so sure any more. And I don't want to throw that word around anymore without really meaning it. Can you give me some time to figure things out?" he asked.

"If that's what you need," she whispered, trying hard not to hope too much. "I'll wait as long as you want."

"Don't give up on me yet, baby. I'm a shit excuse for a man right now, but I'm trying. You just deserve better, and maybe I can be."

When he hung up the phone, he was limp with relief. He swore to himself that this time, he would give it his best, his honest best, and not just for his own interests. He owed her that, at least. He trudged back to his room, knowing that there was one less burden on his shoulders.

As he stretched out on the spanking new mattress, his back crooning thanks to Ollie, he caught a glimpse of the picture on his nightstand, the snapshot taken at Jasmine's party. He held it up to look more closely, and the ghostly bruise on the girl's cheek held his eyes for a long time. He'd been given a second chance to make things right with Lani. If only he could do the same thing with this young girl who had trusted him so much.

On his pillow was a stack of mail--junk, mostly, from credit card companies and musical instrument dealers. Leafing through it disinterestedly, he tossed aside one piece after another until he came to a plain, white envelope, his name and address typed in smudged uppercase letters. It was probably another "INCREDIBLE OFFER FROM YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD AUTO DEALER!!!" He threw it on top of the trash stack, and then looked back at it as something clicked inside his head, demanding his attention.

There was no return address.