Hell Is Isolation

His room was a disaster zone, to say the least. The door remained closed off to the entire house. On the other side old, posters folded over and fell onto a floor littered with clothes leading to the bed that was left neglected in the dark. Across the room, in the farthest, darkest corner of the entire house, sat a very broken boy, no older than seventeen. He was curled up in a ball, trying to feel as small as possible. He wanted the pain to go away.

His name was Josh, and poor Josh suffered horribly trying to live with himself. Burdened by his demons, he would lock himself in his room for hours to escape. There never really was a true escape. Sometimes the drugs helped, but only temporarily. But now he was cut off from his source. It had been a week since; Josh was relapsing. Three days ago he locked himself away in hopes he’d simply deteriorate away. He wanted to go slowly and quietly with a subtleness his family wouldn't notice, at least not right away. He was almost there, Josh could feel it.

“Josh, please come out, baby!” A sudden voice pleaded sorrowfully outside. Who dared disturbing him? “Mom, still loves you,”

Of course, his mother. The longer Josh stayed locked up, the more frequent she came up to see if he’d come out. Today she had been knocking on his door every hour on the hour. Josh’s door could only be locked from the inside, like a classroom door, leaving her helpless. The only way she could get in would be breaking the knob, or alternatively, calling the police, but petrified they’d find drugs and take her baby away, she never did.

His mother always left him alone after a while. She didn't usually stick around longer than ten minutes. Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one to knock at his door. His dad came up to check on him too, but less often than his mother. He knocked to tell him when dinner was ready, or invited him to the recording studio, or just to tell him that his extensive recluse state was worrying his mother. Josh’s dad meant well, he really did.

After missing school for a few days, Josh’s best friend, Matt, showed up at their front door, having ran all the way from the school, worried sick. Josh’s older sister led him upstairs. She knocked on the door and yelled “Josh, Matt came to see you.” Josh didn't answer. Josh’s sister took a shaky breath and knocked again “If you don’t open for me, open for Matt, please?”

There was still no answer. The two stood in the hallway for a few minutes in unbearable silence. Matt couldn't stand it. Sometimes Josh disappeared for a few days and, more often than not, it was bad.
“Sorry, Matt” said Josh’s sister sadly. She looked down at the boy to see him dragging his sleeve across his wet eyes.

“It’s alright,” Matt said with a shaky voice, turning his head away from Josh’ sister. Suddenly he felt arms wrap around his thin body. She was hugging him. Her hug was warm and wonderful and everything he wanted at that moment, except maybe from Josh himself. Matt couldn't help but cry.
Inside the bedroom, Josh heard the crying.

He won’t come out!

Why won't he talk to me anymore?

What if he…?

Still, he couldn't make out whose it was. Mostly he heard ringing in his ears. It was getting louder and eventually drowned out the broken cries. He was really close to letting go, he could feel it. He started to think about death. What would the other side be like?

Hours later his father banged fiercely on the door, making it known this had gone on too long. He demanded Josh came out. Over the ringing, his mother’s cries were finally familiar and really loud; it was almost nine o’clock.

“Josh Ramsay!” his father boomed “This has gone on long enough. You’re worrying your mother! Now, I want you to come out of that room right now, otherwise I’m going in there myself. You’re coming out, whether you like it or not.”

Josh didn’t respond. Even if he wanted to he couldn’t. It had been days since he ate. His legs were too weak to stand, never mind walk, and his throat was so parched it pained him to talk. He was helpless on the floor of his bedroom. Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay had no idea.

It wasn’t long before the knob came off. Josh’s father had taken out the screws and let both sides of the knob fall to the floor with a dull thud. Josh winced when they door knob fell. The sound it made pierced his ringing ears, but what was worse was hear his mom’s scream when she saw him on the floor.

“OH SWEETIE!” She exclaimed in sheer terror. Josh looked like an utter train wreck. As she flipped on the light, she saw how horribly pale Josh was. His eyes were sunken and his cheeks were hallow. As if Josh wasn’t thin enough before, he now looked like he was no more than 80 pounds. His poor mother was heartbroken. She was wishing she called for help days ago.

“Josh Ramsay,” his father said, now in a lower, more sympathetic tone after seeing his son’s state of being. Josh turned his head and squinted his burning eyes against the light to meet his father’s eyes. “This is the last time.” He said. He seemed so disappointed. “You’re going to get yourself help. If you don’t, you can get out of my house.” The words hurt both of them, but they needed to be said.

Josh tried to respond. His throat burned as he said quietly “can’t…”

There was a silence. Josh was grateful for it. When people spoke it hurt his ears.

“HONEY, CALL THE DOCTOR!” Mrs. Ramsay suddenly screamed to her daughter. She sounded horrified! Her baby was sitting in the corner of his bedroom looking like death.

“Don’t worry, Josh. We’re going to take you to the doctor and you’re going to be okay.” His mother said.

Josh started to feel her soft hand run through his hair. She was trying to comfort him, but that’s not what Josh wanted. He didn’t want his parents to see him the way he was. He didn’t want the doctor. He didn’t want “help”! What Josh did want was to stay in his room by himself, in his own little Hell, where he couldn’t hurt anyone or be a bother to them. Josh was sure that what he wanted was what everyone needed.

Before he knew it, Josh felt himself being lifted up and carried away. He was limp in his father’s arms, feeling weak and worthless.

Mr. Ramsay carried his son out the room, his wife following, and soon their daughter. The family got into the car and went immediately to see the doctor. Though, Josh didn’t want it, he still didn’t fight back. It hurt too much to try. So, the broken boy lay in the back of the family car, head resting on his sister’s legs, listening to his family’s hysteric cries. What Josh wouldn’t have given to be back in his room?
____________

It was years later when Josh realized what a blessing it was that his family got him that night. Josh could’ve died alone in his room, but they got him to the doctor’s just in time. They said his heart was failing from malnourishment and the drugs. The sound of sheer terror his mother made when they heard was heart breaking, but when they found out Josh was going to live they were so relieved.
Josh was released from the hospital three weeks later. Immediately he went to a rehab center in downtown Vancouver. Every day that his parents visited him in the hospital, they constantly reminded him that he needed to find himself help for his addiction problem. They came with brochures, of centers they thought were good, for him to look through. As much as he loathed it, he went anyway. If he didn’t he’d be kicked out of the house. Besides, he always figured he could go back after a couple weeks.

Josh never did go back to doing drugs after rehab, like he thought he would've. He started Marianas Trench instead and it was the best thing Josh had ever done. Every night he stood before hundreds of fans and his three best friends, all who loved him, and he loved them back. All together they were a family; a community. Everywhere he looked he saw his family by his side. On stage he looked to his left, Mike was always standing there with a big cheesy smile and his bass guitar. He was a caring friend, and even though he didn't always understand what Josh went through in the past, he always said the cute things one could find on Hallmark cards and then give the best bear hugs. Mike always made Josh smile.

Behind him, Ian sat behind his drums. He always watched Josh’s back, both on stage and off. Whenever Josh felt the need to fall into temptation Ian caught him. Ian was also easy to talk to, like an older brother.

Finally, to Josh’s right, Matt stood facing Josh with a big, proud smile. Matt meant a lot to Josh. The kid Josh had taken under his musical wing back in high school had never left his side. Even when Josh pushed him away, Matt wouldn’t leave.

Josh sat with his white grand piano, about to play for hundreds of his fans. He started to run his hands across the keys, playing the beginning of a song everyone knew well.

"This is not a celebration of being sick. It’s more about… I-I don’t know, I guess… if you have a problem, I find that keeping it a secret makes it so much stronger. So it was my way of getting it off my chest so that it wasn’t my only secret anymore… For anybody out there who’s struggling with anything, don’t be afraid to tell someone about it." Josh said, reminding them not to suffer alone. No one should have to suffer, he thought.

Josh was no longer isolated from the world, like he once thought he wanted. Today he can wake up in the morning with strength to make music. Now he’s not afraid of the world, like before. He realizes the people with him when he’s on stage are worth living for. Among the fans and his friends, Josh felt nothing but love, because Heaven is community.