The Sweetest Addiction

My throat was dry and it felt as if my tongue went through a race in the Sahara Desert. I lay on my white sheets in my white room with the sun shining through. The familiar calming ring in my ear returned as it always did when I hadn't had a drink in this long. I was foolish to skip breakfast, let Lily drink the rest of my water, and stay in bed for hours staring at my psychotic white ceiling.

The covers were tucked up to my chin and my arms and legs were firmly tucked under the covers. I turned my head as much as I could and looked at Lily's empty bed. Her sheets were neatly made, but her pajamas were thrown on top, an organized mess, just like her life. Although I wasn't any better, drinking my life away like it was the only thing I could depend on.

My worse fears came to life and I was just like my father, a weak addict. I followed in his footsteps and soon I'd be that drunk lying on the floor with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and my heart beat in another. It was only a matter of time. But I didn't want to be like my stupid fucking father, I didn't want to hit the people I loved because I was drunk and forget my own friends name when I drank. I didn't want to wake up like this anymore, shaking until a drink hit my lips and getting drunk till I forgot about who I was.

I knew I didn't want to be like my own flesh and blood, and the only way I had a shot at that was downstairs with these strangers I've never met. I knew that I had to try and the only way I could try was to get alcohol off my mind and get the hell out of bed. I couldn't think about my shitty past or my fucked up present, I just needed to get better and the only way I could do it was to get off my ass and face my demons.

I face up at the ceiling again before taking a deep breath. I close my eyes and slowly sit up in bed. I feel the bile start to rise in my throat and the room begins to spin and turn to its sides. I slowly open my eyes as I hold my breath, keeping my up chuck to a minimum. I swallow hard and bring my shaking hands to my sweaty forehead. I drag my hands down and swing my legs over the bed.

I'm still wearing the borrowed basketball shorts from Johnathon and his large white tee shirt. I take my clothes that I've worn since Friday and bring them with me to the bathroom. I take off the clothing that seems to eat me from the inside out and put on my tight fitting jeans and tee shirt.

I look at myself in the mirror and comb through my long white blonde hair with my fingers. I push my locks back and look at my pale face. A shadow from my dark makeup still hung around my eyes like a memory from my past mistakes. Even though I splashed water on my face I knew that if I did again the shadows wouldn't rub off and I'd forever look like a raccoon.

I quickly brush my teeth and drop the dirty clothes in the hamper. I tried not to look at the barrier of the room and headed out down the stairs where I could hear Lily's distinct laugh from a mile away. As I descended the stairs her voice lowered and I imagined her sultry key look to getting anything she wanted, “If I knew you were this funny I wouldn't have been so rude last night,” she whispered.

I saw as she leaned into Raylon and her smirk showed her pale yellow teeth that were almost somewhat perfect except that years of smoking imperfections that were clearly wearing them away. She had her dark hair in one hand, her finger twisting the straight strands into a knotted mess, and a glass of water in the other. It was normal to see her in this kind of setting, charming away someone she didn't even know to get what she wanted, but the only thing that was missing was a cigarette in hand or a bottle of pills she didn't know the effects of.

He leaned back in his chair and a small blush crept onto his stubbly cheeks. Raylon smiled and quickly stood up once he saw me. I stood at the bottom of the stairs with my hand on the rail and my foot still motioning to go back to my crazy room of purity.

Raylon motioned me to sit and Lily gave me that look, letting me know I was ruining her plans. Her plans of self destruction. A plan that will not only leave Raylon broken and exposed but ourselves as well. She wouldn't go down without a fight.

I took a seat at the table and stared down at the glass table as Raylon and Lily continued their conversation. “So, the first thing on today's schedule is heading back to your place and fetching your things and bringing them over here. You guys fine with that?” he asked us both, but his eyes and body were more directed toward Lily. She smiled and nodded enthusiastically, dropping her hair that was still wrapped around her finger.

He nodded and slowly started to walk towards the stairs, “I'll just see if John's ready to go!” As soon as Raylon was out of earshot Lily's head snapped back towards me. She had the look in her eyes with a plan, ready to break some hearts and kill someone's hopes and dreams.

“Don't mess up my plan this time Winter. I know what you're thinking and it won't work,” she took a sip from her glass and handed me the rest. Lily folded her legs in the chair and rested her arm on the glass table, eying me carefully.

I wanted so badly to tell her to just give it all up, to stop playing with people's hearts. But I didn't and kept my mouth shut, because I knew if I uttered a word she'd just tear me down like she always did.

I pushed the glass back to her, knowing it probably tasted like nicotine and smelt of dog piss. Every breath she took, every piss she excreted smelt like those damn cigarettes. The smell was forever embedded in her DNA and I couldn't stand the shit.

“I'm tired of picking up your pieces when you're broken,” I said, looking past her rather than at her. I loved Lily more than a sister, she was there for me when no one was there for me. She was always there for me, but I couldn't stand back and let her destroy her life over and over again. I wouldn't always be there to help her when she had fallen.

She squinted her eyes at me, “Who said you had to pick up my pieces? I'm the one who has to make sure you don't drink yourself to death.” I swallowed hard, and made sure she didn't see me crumble right there. But I knew she knew the words she said hurt me more than anything else ever could.

“You fall in love like it's second nature. You go to bars, engulfing boys in your magic seductive smoke, lead them home and fall in love with a hooligan that wants nothing more than sex. Then you come home and cry to me until you find another boy. And now you're just using that guy to get out of here. I actually want to get better, I don't want to end up like our fathers. But you're leading us right back where they lead us.”

She sits up and scoots to the edge of her seat, stinging me in a way that only she could, “You wouldn't know love if it stabbed you in the heart.” She knew I was some kind of heartless witch. I denied love of any kind,refusing to let myself fall for someone that I knew wouldn't be there in the end when I needed them most. She was the only person I could ever come close to loving.

But she wasn't finished with this, "And we both know, when this is all good and finished, you're going right back to that bottle and those pills will be right back in my hands."

I edge closer to my seat, knowing the words I were about to say would kill her emotionally. I wanted these words to scar her, “You're a toxic bomb. You let these useless boys do what ever they want to you and then they all leave you. Then there you are again popping pills, snorting crack on the back of a public toilet like some fucking junkie. And everyone says I'm the dead one,” I shake my head, knowing I shouldn't have said what I did.

Lily and I were the worse contradiction of each other. She was the only one there for me and I for her. But at the same time we were the only ones there to destroy each other. Our relationship was toxic, it always had been from the start. She knew everything that could hurt me and I knew just the exact words to kill her. For this exact reason we were the perfect sworn enemies, and the best of friends.

She bites her lip like she always does when she tries to avoid something. She knew that I could have done far worse, but for her sake and mine, I kept myself contained. “I'm toxic?” her low voice shakes and she can't even look me in the eyes, “How may times have you gotten your stomach pumped? Alcohol poising? Right now your hands are shaking and you'd kill for a drink. It hasn't even been a full twenty-four hours. You're no better than me, pathetically useless.”

My breath hitches in my throat and I feel my heart clench in my chest. This was the bare minimum of our small destruction bombs, but it still hurt like hell. Just to know a friend like her could say words like that to me. Of course, I knew I was pathetic, useless, a drunk, but I didn't want to be reminded. But just like her, I told Lily the same things, only in hope to see her cower down in sadness while I felt strong.

I breath through my nose and try not to look like the words have affected me, “Says the person that nearly overdosed last week.” I didn't want this to go too far. As much as I wanted to hurt her, and have the satisfaction of someone else pain I just couldn't. I needed my best friend at this moment, and I couldn't lose her.

She blinks back tears, “I had a headache,” she whispers. Bullshit, the only headache she's ever had was the one from her high into different drugs.

But I needed to say more, I couldn't just let her hurt me and get away with it. Just as I was about to open my mouth to kill the last bit of hope she had I hear a door close from the stairs. Then soon enough Raylon and Johnathon made their way down the stairs. The sound of metal keys rang through my ears and without a word from either of the two boys Lily and I stand up at the same time and follow them out the door.

When we entered the car John starts up the engine and Raylon looks back at us, “Where do you guys live exactly?” He looks more at Lily than he does to me. I couldn't let her fall for him, the people that are trying to help us in this fucked up world. Even if this man didn't leave Lily, she would absolutely drive him crazy.

I speak before she could, “On Jones street, the building just before the bar.” Lily looks at me from the corner of her eye. She wanted to kill me, she would not let this go easy. Though beyond her belief I was actually trying to help her. Just because I could destroy her didn't mean I wanted to, it killed me to see her hurting so much.

Johnathon drives down the road and looks back us for a split second, “I thought that building was abandoned?”

“How else do you think we could have paid rent?” Lily mumbled under her breath. Not only were we mentally and emotionally a mess, we were a financial mess. Our fathers were gone before we even had a chance to finish high school, no one was around to tell us what to do and what not to do. The only good thing we picked up from our screwed up parents was to drink our cares away whenever something went bad.

Our childhood home was much like the one we live in now. The only real difference was that when we were children we lived in a trailer park and our fathers paid for whatever bills came to the house. Though on the inside they were both very similar, wall paper cracked and peeling, the carpet stained with past drinks, the only scent in the air was the burning nicotine.

This to us was the most luxurious we had ever lived, and the new home we currently occupied only seemed like a dream. I still pinched myself every night before bed to remind myself that someone in this fucked up world actually wanted to help us.

Johnathon snaps his fingers rudely to the back of the car to get my attention. I tell him the last directions to get to our apartment and soon enough we're in the parking garage with the broken down elevator. The only car in the garage is John's black Malibu and some old white van that a homeless person stole.

John and Raylon slowly get out the car after Lily and I. Without really thinking we head up the stairs and don't wait for the boys. “I don't think we'll head up with you guys. I don't really want to get infected today,” I could hear Johnathon say behind us.

Lily turns around and looks at John square in the eyes, “We'll infect you before anything in here does.” She turns around and takes my arm, leading me up the stairs. Just like that we're friends again, like none of the bickering in the condo happened ten minutes ago.

“Thirty minutes!” one of the boys calls back after us.

We rush up to our room and pass the homeless boys that always stayed outside our apartment, begging for food, cocaine and alcohol. “Have a dime?” the one with brown curly hair asks. I could never tell if his hair was the dark shade from the dirt or if it were naturally that brown. I never asked, but now knowing I wouldn't see him for a while I wanted to know his whole story.

Lily shook her head as she reached up to get the key from the top of the doors frame, “Not today Kenneth. You can have our room when we leave though,” she tosses our keys to him and his friend that never talks, “We're trying recovery.” She winks at the boys.

The one who never talks scoffs and I almost think he says, “Good luck,” but when I look back his mouth is closed and he's back to counting the three quarters he has. I quickly follow Lily into the room, trying to forget the two fugitives at the mat of our door.

The room is just as I remember it before we left on Friday night. Clothes are scattered every where, the pots and pans in the kitchen are all piled in the sink, magazines are thrown over the couch and the only form of light was coming from the roof were a group of dispossessed men fell.

Lily quickly begins collecting our two suitcases from the linen closet and throws them on the floor. She starts to put the clothes on the floor into the case, “Go to our room and get everything we need. Don't leave anything behind.” I know exactly what she means, and I waste no time rushing into the room and collecting all the toxins and clothes we need.

Our room is in fact smaller than the bathroom, the only thing that could fit in there was a mattress and a small dresser. Despite the rest of our home, the room was fairly clean. I grabbed a bag from the dresser and threw everything I knew we needed in there. Undergarments, pajamas, shirts and pants, I made sure that anything that we had in white I threw on the floor and hid from Lily.

In a hurry I flipped over the mattress, letting the duvet and pillows fly in the air. Just where we left them, bottles, bags, pills, things we needed to function throughout the day. Just looking at the liquor made my mouth water in anticipation. I knew I couldn't take them with me, they'd smell it on me and would take it away in an instant. I pushed the bottles aside and took Lily's pills, shoving them in the bag. I took our bags of coke and other drugs, hiding them in the pockets of jeans.

Lily came in the room with the two suitcases full and two different containers in her hands. She kneels beside me and takes the bag from my hand. Without a word she opens a bottle of baby powder and dumps it on the floor, she tears open the bag and dumps its contents into the baby powder bottle, then shoves the bottle in the bag I had.

Next she opens the bottle of liquor from the second mattress and sets it on the floor. Lily then opens the other container she had in her hand and without another thought dumps it to the floor. The minty sweet smell of Listerine clogs my nose and the baby powder hisses from the acidic liquids. I worry about the floor and whether or not the boys outside would still take the apartment now that there’s clumps of blue goo every where.

“Only use this in emergencies,” Lily looks at me as she carefully funnels the liquor into the bottle with her hand. “I know you don't want to end up like Bill, and the only way for you to do that is to not use any of this.” She points to everything around us, “But we both know that's not possible for people like us. So instead of you fixing my mess, I'm fixing yours.”

Lily breaks our eye contact and screws the bottle on tightly then shoves it in the bag as well. She bends to stand, but before she could I take her hand in mine and squeeze it tightly. This sister of mine was the only thing keeping me sane in the world of fucked up people. After everything we said to each other this morning didn't matter now, she was taking care of me like she always had. Knowing that recovery wasn't my thing and that the next drink I take would be the beginning of many.

We stand up from the floor, taking our bags and heading down the stairs slowly, hand in hand. Lily squeezes my hand as she struggles with her bag and I struggle with mine. My mind begins to clear and finally, I realize that despite our repercussions and our destructive toxic relationship, she was the closest thing I had to recovery.