Ignite

Jack didn’t know how everything had gone from so right to so wrong, and so quickly. Everything had just happened so fast and right now he didn’t know what the hell he was meant to do. All he could do right now was to try not to let his crying wake Jaime. The man deserved that much at least.

The evening had started so well.

Maybe thinking over the evening again, trying to pick out what had caused him to do what he did. Maybe he could figure how he’d turned everything to shit so quickly.

*

Jack and Jaime had been out at a bar with Alex, Vic, Tony and Mike to celebrate Halloween, mainly drinking a disgusting concoction of the ‘shots on special’ that Alex insisted they have. Jack didn’t have a clue what was in them, but whatever it was made Jaime all giggly and handsy, something Jack definitely did like, especially after the tension that had come over their relationship recently. They needed tonight to make things right again.

“You’re so pretty, y’know that right?” Jaime said, grinning at Jack, hand sliding up his thigh.

Jack blushed at the rest of the group laughed.

“I’m sure Jack thinks you’re pretty too, Himes, but maybe best not to announce it in a bar?” Vic teased.

“Yeah, save that shit for later!” Mike jeered.

As Jaime grinned even more, Jack’s blush increased, earning more laughter.

“Definitely save it for later,” Jaime murmured, winking.

Oh God. That was so unsubtle.

“I think we need more shots,” Alex snickered.

Jack groaned. They did not need more shots at all.

But they had some anyway.

It wasn’t until 3am that Jaime and Jack stumbled back to Jack’s apartment, Jack giggling as Jaime pressed hot kisses to his neck, distracting him from opening his door properly. But eventually Jack managed to get the door open, and managed to slam it closed behind them, locking it fully, before pressing a deep kiss to Jaime’s lips. Jaime moaned, clutching at Jack’s waist, and that was all Jack needed. Tugging at clothes, hands groping, bumping into furniture, biting at lips, until they were completely bare and in Jack’s bedroom. The alcohol coursing through Jack’s veins only served to make him feel hotter, needing Jaime like he hadn’t needed anyone in a long time.

“Need you. Want you,” Jack panted, eyes rolling back as Jaime kissed and sucked at his neck.

He heard the breath hitch in Jaime’s throat, Jaime’s hands clutching at him just that little bit tighter.

“You want me?” Jaime asked hopefully.

“Yeah,” Jack nodded.

If he’d been sober, perhaps he would’ve felt embarrassed asking this, being completely naked with a completely naked Jaime, but he wasn’t sober. And he knew that. But he didn’t care.

The happiness that spread over Jaime’s face only made Jack feel happy too.

As soon as Jaime kissed him again, hot and wet, everything became a blur. Hot biting mouths, burning slick slide, moans and groans and gasps. Jaime’s hands either side of his head, hips slamming together, ball of pleasure building and building, the swirling of inebriation clouding everything until there was just white hot nothingness.

As Jack managed to catch his breath, Jaime pulling out (oh good, they’d used protection), he realised the buzz of alcohol had dimmed a little, making him smile. Jaime smiled back, but there was something else there. Something that made Jack’s smile drop.

“What’s wrong?” Jack asked softly.

Was he that bad?

Jaime stayed silent as he cleaned their chests with a t-shirt, biting his bottom lip until he’d chosen what to say.

“Who is he?” Jaime eventually asked.

“E-Excuse me?”

What the fuck?

“Who’s the guy you were thinking of, Jack?” Jaime asked again.

“I-I don’t understand,” Jack choked.

Instead of getting angry, Jaime just looked hurt, which only made Jack’s eyes fill up with tears.

“You weren’t making any noise until you closed your eyes,” Jaime said quietly.

No, no Jack wouldn’t do that, would he? His drunken mind wouldn’t betray him like that, would it?

He couldn’t have been thinking about Zack could he?

“I-I…”

But Jack didn’t have anything to say. He knew how he felt. He knew his doubts. Hell, Alex knew them too, since he’d confessed them.

Jaime’s face crumpled slightly at Jack’s silence, and he nodded.

“How long?” Jaime asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jack mumbled.

Jaime just nodded again, only making Jack feel worse. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid with his stupid crush. He’d hurt Jaime, really badly. He’d hurt the one person he didn’t want to.

“I’m so sorry,” Jack whimpered.

“Don’t be,” Jaime said, smiling sadly.

What the fuck?!

“How can you be so calm?” Jack asked incredulously, “You should be mad at me, should be yelling at me!”

“I’m not like that Jack, you know that. Yeah, I’m really pissed at you, but I can’t change how you feel,” Jaime said, frowning.

“You should get angry at me! You deserve better than me! You deserve someone that can give you everything that you deserve, because you deserve everything. You’re beautiful and kind and smart and funny and so much better than me. You’re perfect, Jaime,” Jack choked.

“Just not your kind of perfect,” Jaime said dryly.

Jack just choked a sob. He wished Jaime was shouting, was angry, was outwardly mad. Then he wouldn’t feel this bad, wouldn’t feel this guilty.

“I’m so sorry,” Jack repeated.

“I know,” Jaime sighed, “Fuck,”

Jack choked a laugh, flinging an arm across his face. To be fair, he didn’t think Jaime could hate him more than he hated himself right now.

“Um, I’m going to go, okay?” Jaime said softly.

“No, it’s too late. That’s not fair on you,” Jack said, frowning.

“I don’t really want to be in this bed right now, Jack,” Jaime said simply.

Ouch.

But Jack didn’t blame him.

“The sofa pulls out. At least stay there until you’re sober?” Jack asked.

He still cared about Jaime, even if he didn’t deserve to.

Jaime sighed but nodded, pulling his boxers back on, grabbing the rest of his clothes. Jack quickly dressed too, ignoring the shake in his hands, ignoring the tears welling in his eyes. He’d brought this on himself with his own stupidity. He didn’t deserve to feel any self-pity. Only self-loathing.

Jaime went to the kitchen as Jack set up the sofa bed, putting a sheet, spare duvet and pillow on it, and Jaime returned with two glasses of water.

“I wish I’d been enough for you,” Jaime said softly.

Oh fuck.

Jack shook his head rapidly, not bothering to hide the tears that spilled down onto his cheeks.

“Don’t. This is on me. This is my fault and I don’t want you taking any blame,” Jack choked.

Jaime swallowed heavily but nodded, passing Jack a glass of water.

“I’ll be gone before you wake up,” Jaime said softly.

Jack could only nod, before heading back to his bedroom, closing the door just in time to breakdown.

He made it to his bed, curling up in the covers, hand clasped over his mouth to quieten his sobs. He’d sworn to Alex he wouldn’t ruin this relationship. He sworn he wouldn’t be so stupid. But instead he’d ruined everything with his pathetic desire for his boss, and he deserved everything bad thing that came his way. Everything was ruined now, everything. And he only had himself to blame.