Viva La Gloria II: 21st Century Breakdown

I concentrated on the chords and how quickly I was strumming. Knowing that because of my anxiety at that very moment, I'd probably end up with broken Guitar strings.

One last deep breath and as it escaped my lips, I sung the first bittersweet lines.

“Do you know what's worth fighting for, when it's not worth dying for? Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating?” they came out amazingly sweet and clear and not stuttered and destroyed like I had half expected them too.

I took another breath and tried to soften these ones a little more “Does the pain weigh out the pride, and you look for a place to hide? Did someone break your heart inside? You're in ruins.” I looked out, my eyes scanning the crowd as I braced myself for the chorus.

I stomped my foot “One! 21 Guns, lay down your arms, give up the fight. One! 21 Guns, throw up your arms into the sky, you and I.” 

I was building confidence as I went, slowly losing myself in the music I was singing.
“When your at the end of the road, and you've lost all sense of control. When your thoughts have taken their toll and your mind  breaks the spirit of your soul. Your faith walks on broken glass, and the hang over doesn't pass. Nothing's ever built to last, your in ruins.”

I couldn't seem to keep my grinning under control. I was se severely enjoying playing this song. But a heavy reality settled when I took the moment to recall who and what id even written it about...

I saw Quinton. A few rows out behind Myriah and Mike. Grinning smugly up at me. I think he had an pretty good idea who and what it was about. It was about that entire era. From being happy and carefree to being pressured and depressed. I dodged his gaze and played the chorus, constantly avoiding meeting anyone I know's gaze.

“One! 21 Guns, lay down your arms, give up the fight. One! 21 Guns, throw up your arms into the sky, you and I.”

I glare out upon the crowd again, accidentally meeting his eyes again. And Myriah, who was oblivious to the real meaning of the song. And I'd never have the heart to tell her.

“Did you try to live on your own, when you burned down the house and home? Did you stand too close to the fire, like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?”

I lost myself then, in a guitar solo I never even wrote for this song. It's one I'd been playing around with, but never fit in anywhere, but here it is, I'm playing it out loud and amplifying my hurt.
I strummed harder and watched it get reactions. The beats of the drums paddled up to the final fall. The whole park fell silent. The only sound was the birds in the trees as I took in a deep breath. It was shaky but got a little smile out of me.

I stepped up towards the mic again “When it's time to live and let die, and you can't get another try. Something inside this heart has died. You're in ruins.”
I merely whispered the last part.

I glanced over down the stage stairs. Where Billie, Mike, Jason and Tré stood. Serious for once and a little awe stricken. I locked eyes with each of them and they were staring at me like I was a completely different person now. They were viewing my life from different angles. Billie especially, he's the only one I told my life story too.

“One! 21 Guns, lay down your arms, give up the fight.
One! 21 Guns, throw up your arms, into the sky.
One! 21 Guns, lay down your arms, give up the fight.
One! 21 Guns, throw up your arms, into the sky, you and I.”

It rung out and hung in the air. Not a single clap or anything. Everyone was staring at me. 
I bowed poorly and lifted the strap over my head. Preparing to walk off stage when a roar of applause surged up behind me. I spun around to face them. Clapping and shouting. It forced something out of me, I darted towards the mic again and the crowd fell silent, confused. What the hell am I doing?

“That song is about all the shit I had to trudge through to get where I an today. Thank you.” I said flatly. I walked off the opposite stairs facing the river. I turned to see Billie going up onto the stage with the others, he shot me a look and leaned into the mic.

“I'd, like to dedicate this song to Gloria Andys, without her idea of a crazy fun summer, we wouldn't be standing on this stage right now.” he grinned sincerely in my direction and I didn't really know what he expected me to say.

“Hey Gloria, are you standing close to the edge? Look out at the setting sun, the brink of your vision.” it was beautiful. The flourish of piano and the lyrics, but they were too sweet for me. Why'd he write about me? My throat tightened.

“Eternal youth, is the landscape of a lie. The cracks in my skin can prove as the years will testify.”

I couldn't believe him... He was writing the story of my life. Far better than I had and the crowd was chanting their bands name.

“Say a prayer and light your fire, we're gonna start a war. Your slogans a gun for hire, it's what we waited for. Hey Gloria, this is why we're on the edge. 
The fight of our lives been drawn by this undying love.” I crushing in that second.

“Undying love?...” I whispered.
Billie looked over at me with a smile on his face when al the guitars kicked into a punk rock anthem. All describing me to a T.
I stumbled backwards, I can't do this...

“Gloria! ¡Viva La Gloria! You blast your name in graffiti on the walls. Falling in broken glass that's slashing through your spirits, I can hear it like a jilted crowd.” 

I swallowed hard and saw how much fun he was having with this. I couldn't put much more thought into anything, because I was running. I spirited headlong for the river. 

‘My place of sanity...’ 

I skipped the bridge, I ran right past first beach which would take me to East 12th in a roundabout kinda way. I went straight to the water gate. Where the water roared too loud for thoughts, just what I needed. I don't want to think about how this is more than I need. More than I want maybe. It was all just supposed to be some stupid crush I had when I was twelve. None of this! I wasn't supposed to spend the remainder of summer with them screwing around making stupid remarks to each other then laughing it off. I should be alone right now. I should be depressed that I have nothing. Reveling in the possibility of having something. This isn't the something I'd been planning on. I was happy and clearly not ready for whatever Billie saw in me. Rather hd was just pinning me up as his friend or something more, I don't know if I can take it.

He's been acting different since we got home last night. He's indifferent and looked at me with sad eyes like he has some heavy truth to settle upon my shoulders.

I listened for a moment, over the roar of the water, I heard nothing. The stage fell silent. People were chanting for them to continue. I looked over my shoulder at the empty stage in the distance. At least a hundred and fifty yards out. I dripped my eyes. I can't love him... I mean I could just... Shit.
This has been my dream forever, now it may just have a chance of coming true, and I am distorting it. But I couldn't have stayed and listened to him spill out words of false adorment to me. It broke me to listen as long as I did. Now it will haunt my dreams each night like a ghost without rest. I can never escape it. It is locked and tied into the happiest days on earth.
I looked down into the ash grey water flowing by quickly. the storm clouds rumbled with thunder above my head. I locked all sounds out. Thinking about the death of one of my friends in this river. S'pos I should just stay away from it. If I were smart at all... She was Actually my babysitter when my sister was too young to do the job. My parents had hay to put up in the summer time and couldn't just leave us alone. However she was the only other kid in prairie center.

I try to forget all my current thoughts and try not to be repulsed with who I became. How quickly I changed into some kind of monster. Filled with the greed of wanted to meet my favorite band, now I've gone and scarred them too...

I seem to ruin everyones little paradise. Maybe if I just... Disappeared things would be better. For everyone. They can all carry on with life like I never even existed. They do it already now. So it wouldn't be too hard for them. 

Tears filled the corner of my eyes and I tried to ignore them and pretend I was ok. But shit, I've been pulling that charade with myself for years. I need a break from all the lies. 

I walked a little farther up the trail to where there was a cement landing that overlooked the rush of water a little bit. I dropped down cross legged upon it and took in a deep, shaky calming breath. I don't really know how much more I can take of this.

I've endured over fifteen years of being depresses and forgotten. I feel like a ghost. Drifting, lost, waiting for a purpose. So I can be used and tossed aside until you need me again. I suppose that's how thongs have always been for me. And I guess that there is no need for change, now is there?