Viva La Gloria II: 21st Century Breakdown

‘If you love something set it free...’

Bullshit...

I love Billie, er Green Day all too much to just let them go. They are every part of me. The music I wake up every day to listen to. They are the people who have made me laugh on multiple occasions. Either in person or through a computer screen. I always felt like we were a big group of besties anyways before we met. However now thar we have and have gotten to know each other a little bit, the break is a little more prominent. 

My bones seemed to rattle with each re-connection with the hot, groggy asphalt as I continued to run. Slowing from exhaustion. Panting begs for then to stay. So quiet I could hardly hear them myself. My eyes became tunnel vision and my point of dimension in my eyes and the ground seemed a lot farther away than it actually was until I slammed face first into it peacefully ignoring the issues I was facing: I couldn't make myself run any farther. I couldn't get myself to even sit up and drag my legs under me to go again anyways... 

I squeezed my eyes tightly together to ward off the painful headache coming from exhaustion in this kind of heat and my sudden dive to the street. Here I laid in the middle of the street without a care in the world. After all I had failed. They were gone. I cast a long look up the street which was empty of any car of theirs. All the present cars were certainly not the sleek black limo I'd seen parked in front of my house or seen them all pile into. They were gone...

My facial expression turned into a painful pout of releasing demons and pains. Trying to let to of everything important is harder then I thought. You'd think I'd know that by now. But I guess I'm just stupid or something.

My life never went as my parents wanted to be or how it my have been planned out. Ever since before I moved here from Colorado when I was two, I'd been a natural Tom boy. Though that is expected of any girl who lives in Wyoming. There is no room for Barbies. 
I played in the mud and ran through the pivot everyday with my sister during the summer. We'd build houses out of old logs and junk behind the house. We made mud pies and we had fun as kids. We had no worries. Even as puberty smacked us upside the head and Myriah went chasing the boys while I stayed at home as the girl she came home to after dates to cry on her shoulder. No matter what argument passed between us, we were unbelievably close. Tighter than any BFF. though as I approached the age of eighteen. My parents expected me to attend collage, marry some two faced country hick and have his bawling kids, live with him on some horse ranch for the rest of my live being what? Unhappy. No joy. No point in doing any of that anyways. My route for life may not have been expected buries the one I chose and now looking back on the all the messes I've made, I don't regret it. I wouldn't change it for crap. Even if I could have Billie back forever, I'd never trade every childhood, teenage or adult memory for it. These are the messes I've made and I learn from my mistakes. I learn to get over what kills my heart. I've never once considered sugar depression pills or suicide. Because I figure the pain of the ache within my chest is the only reminder it all was real. That they all were. Every memory of my childhood was as real as I want them to be. I love them each for their own reason. Even if they are painful for me to even think about.

Even, heavy breaths came and went as my cheek continued to rest on the asphalt. Tears fell silently and relentlessly from my eyes as I lie there. There was no reason to hold it all in. I laid there broken in the street. Refusing to get up and start again, crying there with closed eyes And a peaceful expression. I did that until I no longer cared and eventually passed out from exhaustion. 

‘Sweet sleep my dark angel. Deliver us, from sorrows hold. Over my heart.’

Billie was dark looking within the shadows. Under the thick confines of first beach he watched me in a black leather jacket and skinny jeans with his old creepers from American Idiot era. I however danced uncontrollably on the beach. Lightning flashing behind me, reflecting over the still waters of the river. I sang too, “My heart is broken...”
That one dress from that one night we went to Scottsbluff fluttered around me like a waterfall. The long train tossing in the wave like breeze. My hair down for once was in tight black curls and I sang my heart out as I paced the beach in a graceful, dance like form. Though I knew already who the song was pointed to.

“Deliver us... From sorrows hold...” were the last words that wisped from my dream into consciousness. I woke with a heavy breath escaping my lips but I didn't open my eyes. I was somewhere other than the street. I heard voices in another room. But I was far too comfy to be in a hospital. Then I began to panic, who picked me up? I'd been so careless. Laying there to demonstrate how broken I'd felt.

I slowly opened my eyes to an all too familiar living room. It was my own and it was dark out. The only light was coming in a big stream from the kitchen doorway and from the tv screen behind me. Which was filling the room with hip hop oriented race music. I glanced over the arm of the couch and saw the PS3 on and Need for Speed Carbon playing. Jacob and Liam to my surprise were sitting there playing. Which was by far the last thing I'd expected. 

I flopped back over onto my back and pushed my bangs off my forehead. Looking up at the ceiling, silently recalling the mess I'd put myself into. I recognized other voices in the house. Carol and Meg I believe. I really need to be alone though. No one noticed me get up from the couch and walk down the hall to my room. No one noticed the sliver of light pouring out of the door thin as I shut it behind me. As I sit down slowly onto the bed with so little life and motivation. I look warily up at the painting of 'Christian' and Gloria. A low growl and I got up, yanking the sheets from the bed and pinning up the corners to the wall covering the painting. I don't need anymore reminders. I cast one more glance at it before dropping face first onto the now stripped of any comfort bed and let out a loud scream. It muffled quietly into the mattress so I doubt anyone heard it given I myself could hardly hear it. I let out several more screams until I was gasping for air between noisy sobs. Covering my mouth to mute them and just enjoy my private pain. I don't need people checking in on me and assuring that I'll be ok. Because I won't. Green Day is my life. My whole life, I am more complete listening to their songs than I am being alone crying about a life I can never have back. Only now I can never bring myself to listen to another one of their songs. It will only riddle me with bad memories I need to avoid.

When it rains, it pours. That's what my parents would have said about all of this. I feel like an embarrassment. Because I was so sure footed on the meaning of ‘Forever...’ that I didn't even funk about the concept that they will eventually have to go home. Because they all do have their own sets of family and friends that I have been keeping them from.
I opened my eyes slowly. I need to let it go don't I? Just move on, get away from it all, swim away from the bringing boat instead of trying to drown the fires in gasoline. I failed. I get that now, but my house feels so empty like this. There is no one worth crossing the hall for. No one to wake up in the morning to And laugh with. No one to play pranks on and to throw into the river. It's all just as Billie said.

“A summer fling...” it meant nothing to either of us. Well... It shouldn't have meant anything to me. But it did and therefor I failed myself. 

I have nothing left right?

No that is wrong. I still have a lot of things to be happy for. I have a family, friends, a house and a car. A home to go running to for support. I live remotely close to my all time favorite childhood place. The Platte River. I have things pretty good compared to some people who don't even know where they will be sleeping that night.

There was a light knock on my door and I barely whispered come in.

Carol peeked in at me. I bet that I looked pretty damn broken.

“You ok sweetie?” she asked.

I nod weakly And drop my gaze to the floor.

“I just... I don't know. Need to get over the past and move on.” I murmured.

“Is that why you were laying in the middle of the street?” she chuckled.

I raised my eyebrows “Where was I?”

“Halfway to Main Street Market passed out in the middle of the street. Liam and Meg were with us And Jacob says 'there's a dead body!' laughing. And then he recognized it as you and demand we stop.” she smiles fondly at the memory.

“Why would I be ther— oh.” I sat up a little bot and vaguely recall chasing the limo until I passes out from exhaustion. I rubbed the back of my neck nervously and avoided eye contact. I'm such an idiot for chasing them down. Or let me rephrase that, I'm an idiot for trying to chase them down. I could have killed myself. For what? Some boy? A whole band that I didn't get to share a proper goodbye with? Wow I'm a really shallow chick...

“Well... Thank you for taking care of me. Although I feel like a total moron being out in the street in the first place.” I offered a smile.

“What or how did you get out there in the first place?” she asked.

I sigh and run a hand through my hair a few times in deep thought. “I was chasing a limo...”

“Why?” she laughed.

“Because Green Day was in it.” I say simply.

“Yeah but why were you chasing after them?”

“Because I didn't get a proper goodbye with them and they have really supported me all of my life and I kinda had a blowout with Billie and I needed to fix things before our friendship is permanently remembered like that.” I say. Wincing slightly at friendship.

She nodded And pursed her lips “That's a pretty good reason to run.”

“Yeah and I uh... Sorts passed out from exhaustion. I don't know why I didn't just take my car instead of running... Gah this is so fucked up.” I muttered while combing through my hair again.

She laughed “Well I'm sure it will work out. Do you need anything?”

I shook my head.

“Ok well I'm gonna take the boys home. It's like one in the morning.”

I smile and nodded “Ok. Thank you.”

“Sure.” she smiled at me before closing my bedroom door behind her And exiting the house as quietly ad she'd come.

I was utterly alone now. And a bit pissed off to be quite honest. They all left me. And there is a nagging suspicion of something. How in the hell did that limo get here as soon as Billie declared to be leaving? Questions that need answers. And right now he is the only place I am going to get them.

So what then? Go on some mixed up as fuck romantic hunt down to them in California? I'd joked about doing it all during the last two weeks. I'd never really thought about it as a plausible situation. Hell I know I could do it and still make my point. They left so suddenly for some reason. And I believed it to revolve mostly around Billie's insecurities. I smiled to myself as I realized my feat. What I'd have to do. How far I'd have to go to see them all again. Hell they all will be sick of seeing me by the end of this week. Or sick of me all together.