Savin' Me

“Kate, I can’t do this anymore. You might be fine with dragging yourself down, but I won’t sink with you. Come find me when you’re ready to be saved,” he said without looking back at me, he just walked out the door to my shabby little apartment that was two months behind on the rent.

“Chris wait!” I called after him. “Please! I can do better I promise! I’ll stop using this time completely! Chris! Chris!” He just walked away leaving me calling after him. Hoping, praying, begging that he would turn around. He never did. That was the last time I ever heard or saw from Chris. It’s been almost six years now, and I’m still trapped in the endless cycle of using and abusing. It’s a prison that I can’t from even if I crawl on my hands and knees.



I tried to get clean after that, y'know? But it just wasn’t me... I felt trapped by the rules and regulations, they made me feel so different...like the true me was trapped and unable to be freed by the four walls that made up the rehabilitation center. I left after about a month, as I was walking out of the doors I swore I heard your voice whispering in my ear, telling me, no begging me not to give up. You told me to come get you when I was ready to be saved, and late at night when I wake up from a nightmare or just simple can’t sleep, I keep calling out your name until my throat is raw. Wondering, will you help me before I fall too far? Or is it too late for that?



I’ve always admired you, Chris from the very first day I met you, I couldn’t help but admired you. Your strength. Your ability. Your knowledge. You are able to stand the test of time, even when you stand alone. Because you knew right from wrong, you always have... Will you show me? Will you teach me? Say to me that you will so I can leave this pitiful life behind me. Chris, will you tell me I’m worth being saved? Please?



Please say yes. I want to know that despite the years apart you haven’t forgotten me. That I still have some form of savin’ grace, and that there is a type of heaven for me. I know I’ve done some bad things. But is there anyone who hasn’t? Surely I won’t be kicked out of your good grace just because of a few silly mistakes. But my wings are broken and I’m falling.



This world is to hard on those of us with a bad past.They say this land is the land where you can make new beginnings. That’s only true if you don’t have a past. Still I cry out for you though. I call your name in a vain attempt that you might hear. I need you. You are the only thing keeping me going anymore. I’ve been screaming out your name searching for some type of release. Please, if you still care for me, come get me before I fall to hard to stand back up again.



Save me so I can show you the true me. Not the Kate who can’t wait for the next high. Not the Kate who drinks till the pain is gone. Not the Kate has scars on her arms. Tell me I’m worth being saved so I can leave this old me behind.



Finally I give in. I give in to your last and hardest test. I have to be the one who goes to you. Here’s to hoping that you still live in the same house.



I’m standing at your doorstep. It’s such a beautiful home, even if it’s modest compared to the neighboring buildings it’s a mansion to me. I’m waiting; hesitating. Should I knock? Can I knock? My hand feels frozen in place. Or is it too late? It has been six years, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t wait for me. Heck I don’t even know if I would have waited for me myself. Have you moved on? All of these doubts and thoughts running through my head, silently demanding my retreat. You don’t give me a choice. When you open the door I see your lips move as they speak my name. And I can’t help but ask with tears in my eyes: