Bite My Tongue

My locker was in quite possibly the farthest corner of the school. At this rate, lunch would be over by the time I got there. My bag was heavy on my back as I trudged toward it, the various textbooks I'd been given weighing almost as much as my thoughts. It wasn't as if I'd really been given much homework to worry about, more just the uncertainty that the new year brought. Then again, I didn't exactly have to wait for school to start to have nonstop anxiety.

I finally spotted my locker just around the corner at the end of the hallway and began walking faster. My stomach was uncomfortably empty, and lunch was practically all that was on my mind. That, and gnawing fear that I wouldn't be able to find someone to sit with at lunch. Actually, now that the worries had invaded my thoughts again, they were all that I could focus on. It took me three tries to open my locker once I eventually reached it, unable to focus on the numbers. Unable to focus on anything, really. Damn, I was going to look like an idiot.

Grabbing my sack lunch, I paused to remove some of the books from my bag and place them on the bottom of my locker. Making sure that they were straightened, I carefully closed the metal door and turned to make the long walk to the cafeteria. The halls had cleared out for the most part, and my footsteps echoed against the dirty yellow tiles. They were supposed to show school spirit or some shit like that, but all they actually did was make it look like someone had puked everywhere.

After jogging down the stairs, I found myself outside of the two double-doors to the lunchroom. Taking a deep breath, I stepped inside. Immediately, I felt an aura of heat surround my body, the collective power of all the stares I was sure were trained on me. My gaze dropped to the floor, and I was like a deer in headlights, unsure of where to go. I took a shaky step forward, if only to not be directly blocking the entrance. Where did I go? Should I ask someone if I could sit with them, or take an empty table? People were going to laugh, going to whisper, going to--

"Hey Josh!"

I glanced up to see Matt waving to me from a crowded table in the middle of the cafeteria. I hurried over, trying to avoid looking anyone in the eye.

"H-hey," I said, reaching the table. It was practically full, crowded with guys I'd never even seen before. I wasn't sure if I should sit down or not, unclear on whether the invitation was extended to me or just Matt.

However, my doubts were erased as Matt scraped back the chair next to his. "Sit down," he said, his mouth full of pizza.

Giving him a nervous smile, I sat down on the chair. The plastic was hard against my butt; I certainly hadn't missed this. I slipped my backpack onto the floor next to me, sliding closer to the table and cringing at the loud sound it made. I placed my lunch on the table, slowly opening it. I could feel someone's stare on me, and I glanced up quickly to see a guy looking at me. He had a round face, somewhat softish around the edges. He had some stubble, as though he'd shaved but had been too lazy to do the job thoroughly.

"Josh, this is Lee," Matt said from next to me, licking the grease off of his fingers. "He's in my bio class."

I tried to force a smile, but found it difficult with the way that I was tightly biting my lip. I settled for an awkward little nod, turning back to the slightly crushed sandwich in my lunch bag. I timidly took a bite from it, but set it back down when I realized that Lee was still looking at me. Probably judging the way I was eating, thinking I was a fatass.

Once he realized that I wasn't going to say anything, Lee started up a conversation with Matt. "You'll never guess who I have maths with."

Out of the corner of my eye I caught Matt grinning, enjoying the conversation; the conversation not involving me. "Who?"

"Oli Shites," Lee said, smiling to himself as he took a bite out of his own piece of pizza and quickly swallowed. "Known him for years, and he still thinks he's all that. Annoying little prick."

"S-sorry," I interrupted, feeling my face turn red. "B-but who's that?"

"W-what?" Lee asked, his voice awfully mocking mine and causing me to flush even deeper. "Did I s-s-stutter?"

My brain scrambled to draw a response; a snarky comeback, a sassy response, even a flippant 'fuck off' would've sufficed. Instead, I drew a blank, staring at the table in front of me in utter embarrassment. Every fiber of my being screamed that I should run, get out of there. Yet they also told me that making a break for it would just attract even more unwanted attention.

"Dude, c'mon," Matt spoke up. "Leave him alone."

I was grateful that Matt had said something, I really was. I just couldn't help but think about how Lee was supposedly his 'friend,' and quite how long it had taken for him to respond.

Lee chuckled, shaking his head. "Relax, I was only joking."

He reached over and socked me in the arm, causing me to flinch. "Shites is just a fag that likes nothing more than to bug the hell out of everyone else."

I nodded at his explanation, although there was still something about him that rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't know who this Shites kid was, or how he'd earned that awful nickname, but it at least brought me some comfort to know that someone in this school held a lower status than I did.

As Lee and Matt started to talk about sports, a subject I had absolutely no interest in, I returned to the task of eating my lunch. The knot in my stomach from earlier had loosened a little, but I was still on edge. The tall black-haired kid sitting to Lee's left, who was later introduced to me as Jordan, kept casting me weird glances, and I could tell that he was judging my every move.

At the slow pace I was eating, I was barely able to finish my sandwich when the bell rang to signal the end of lunch. Scooping up my trash and throwing it into a nearby bin, I hoisted my bag onto my back. I turned to say goodbye to Matt, but when I looked to his seat, he had already left. I saw that Lee and the others were gone too.

Sighing, I made my way out of the lunchroom alone, the sinking feeling in my gut worsening. I hated knowing that I was alone, I hated it so much. Yeah, I knew that everyone left sooner or later. But that didn't make it any less painful.

Any glimmer of hope I'd had when the day had started had all but vanished, and I wished that I could go home. Maybe clean my room again, maybe practice piano. Something to distract myself from the idea that I was being replaced.

Because even if it was true, I sure as hell wasn't ready to believe it.