Boston Garden High School

"Wait, what?" David asked. Tuukka and Brad went to see him at home as he was recovering from alcohol poisoning.
"Yeah, Z pretty much burst into the staff lounge and from what I hear from Bergy he did the same to Savvy's class." Brad explained.
"So... Z was okay?"
"Z was fine. He just hurt himself a little bit. When he came, he had an ice pack on his neck and had a few stitches in his eyebrow. Besides that, he seemed just fine." Tuukka said casually.
"Seems to me like he had a narrow escape."
"Yeah, he did. He was pretty lucky if you ask me." Tuukka said.
"So he'll be back on Monday?"
"If he doesn't get murdered tomorrow." Brad said, rolling his eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"He's going to the Red Sox-Royals game tomorrow."
"Kurva Jesus zmrde." David cursed and shook his head. "What a prick."
"You can say that again." Tuukka laughed.
"Krech, man. You need a girlfriend." Brad decided after a minute or so.
"No I don't!" He moaned. "I'm in my twenties not fifties!"
"Dude, you're going out and getting alcohol poisoning from binge drinking. You need someone to anchor you down. Tuke has Jas and I have Kat. Our lives have been much more stable since they came in." Brad explained and Tuukka nodded.
"Try Internet dating or something if you don't feel secure enough actually going out to meet women." Tuukka suggested.
"I can't." David said.
"Why not?" Brad asked, raising an eyebrow.
"What if I get catfished?"
Brad shook his head. "Krech, man, you GOTTA stop watching MTV."
"Mhm. It's for the lowest common denominator." Tuukka added.
"But I gotta find out what happens with Aaliyah and Alicia..." David whined.
"Whatever."
"Come on, I got it on DVR." David reached for the DVR remote and turned the TV on.
"No, Krech, no. Please don't torture us with this shit..." Brad's pleas were ignored as David turned Catfish on.
"I'm going." Tuukka stood up quickly. David grabbed his arm.
"Don't go, Tuke. It's last week's episode, Ashley and Mike."
"And now it's not." Brad said, pulling the TV plug from the socket.
"Marchy!"
"More proof you need a girlfriend." Brad pulled out his BlackBerry. "Now... Match.com or eHarmony?"
"Ooh! Are you Christian?" Tuukka asked enthusiastically. David glared at him. "I guess that rules out Christian Mingle... Are you Jewish?"
"Tuke..."
"You're Catholic aren't you? Marchy, is there a Catholic dating site, specifically for Catholics?"
"I don't know, Tuke, I'm not Catholic." Brad said.
"Just sign him up for Match.com." Tuukka said.
"Get out! If you're gonna sign me up for a dating website, just get out of my apartment!"
"Come on, Krech. You need a life outside work and drinking." Brad begged.
"Get out." David said. Tuukka and Brad left David's apartment and sat outside the door.
"Hey Marchy, I found a dating website... It's called My Single Friend..." The two grinned widely as they used Tuukka's iPhone to access the website.
"I am single..." Tuukka read. "No, my friend is single." He tapped the button. "What? This is all for MY details?!"
"Tuke, you put in YOUR details and then Krech's details."
"Oh. Why?"
"You're the one signing him up."
"Oh." Tuukka mused as he put in his own details. "Ah, here it is. 'Who are you signing up'. Let's see... Email... dkrech.bgardenhs@gmail.com. First name... David. Last name... Krejci."
"Quick questions... Hardback or paperback? What does that mean?" Brad asked.
"I don't know. I'll request another one." Tukka tapped the button for another question. "Surf or turf? Shit, what is this?"
"Just guess, Tuke." Brad said, tapping the button for 'turf'.
"Meat or veg... Meat." Tuukka tapped the 'meat' button.
"Driver or passenger... He can drive, so that's what I'd say." Brad tapped the 'drive' button.
"Brains or beauty..." Tuukka and Brad laughed.
"Brains!" They said simultaneously and Brad tapped the 'brains' button.
"Live to eat or eat to live... Live to eat." Tuukka said and tapped the 'live to eat button'. "What now?" Tuukka asked.
"Describe your friend." Brad pointed to and tapped the 'continue' button, the next box was describe your friend.
"Try and make your friend stand out. Keep it snappy, be creative and remember that amusing profiles often get more attention. You have 2000 characters left to spill the beans." Tuukka read. "What do we say?"
"Basically just how great Krech is." Brad said. They worked for a few minutes as they described how great they thought David was.
"Now what?" Tuukka asked.
"Upload a photo." Brad stood up and banged on David's front door. David opened it.
"If you want me for that dating site, I'm not interested." Tuukka snapped a photo of David mid sentence. He was wearing pajamas and he was pale had red circles under his eyes.
"It doesn't matter anymore, Krech, thanks." Brad giggled and David slammed the door.
"That's going on there." Tuukka smiled. "Now what?" He asked.
"We pay." Brad entered his credit card details and paid $15 a month.
"That'll get him a girlfriend!" They snickered and ran away like young children.
***
Bartkowski was at his laptop with a stack of tests in need of grading sitting next to him. He was on his phone with Daniel, Greg and Chris.
"So I've hacked my girlfriend's Facebook. What now?" He asked.
"Duh, you change the name." Greg said. "To Roxie Sugarbelle."
"And get rid of all of us as friends, everyone from Bergy to Jasmiina." Daniel said. "If you leave any trace of a connection to the school Krech will find out."
"Lucky my girlfriend doesn't know Krech anyway." Bartkowski said, shaking his head. Daniel, Greg and Chris laughed.
"That just makes it better!" Chris said.
"I know, but I feel weird turning my girlfriend's Facebook into a drag queen's."
"Think about how wound up it'll make Krech though, Barty." Chris said.
"Eh it still feels wrong."
"Now put some photos of a drag artist as the profile photos and tag some of her friends." Greg said.
"Make Roxie Sugarbelle's hero be RuPaul." Daniel shouted. A chorus of 'oohs' came down the phone.
"That's nice! That IS nice!" Greg laughed.
"Alright, under influences, I've put RuPaul. Anyone else?" Bartkowski asked.
"Uh... Eddie Izzard. He's not a drag queen, but he like... Dresses in women's clothes. He's close enough." Chris said.
"And under favorite shows say True Blood, Glee and RuPaul's Drag Race!" Daniel shouted
"And something dumb like Teen Mom or Catfish the TV Series." Greg said.
"What about music?" Bartkowski asked.
"What does your girlfriend like already?" Chris asked.
"Uh... Tegan and Sara, Madonna, One Direction, Dropkick Murphys, Bruno Mars..."
"Get rid of Dropkick Murphys and add Kylie Minogue, Beyonce and..." Greg began, but was cut off by Daniel.
"Lady GaGa!" Daniel screamed.
"Nice!" Chris and Greg said seemingly simultaneously.
"Your girlfriend's weird, man." Greg said.
"Why?"
"She likes all those pop artists and then the Dropkick Murphys. I mean, if there were ever polar opposites... That's it. Exactly it."
"Whatever. I don't dictate to her who she should or shouldn't like. This isn't Saudi Arabia. What about movies?"
"What d'she like?" Chris asked.
"Back to the Future, Gremlins, The Departed, Fever Pitch, Lion King..."
"Keep 'em. Those movies appeal to everyone." Chris said.
"Maybe replace The Departed... Hang on, that's how she likes the Dropkick Murphys, isn't it?" Greg asked excitedly.
"Yeah, probably."
Greg giggled uncontrollably down the phone. "So replace The Departed with something like Mulan."
"Why Mulan?"
"She dresses in drag." Greg explained
"What?! No she doesn't!" Bartkowski argued.
"Yes, she does. She dresses like a man. Can women not wear drag too?" Greg asked thoughtfully.
"Huh." Bartkowski carried on editing his girlfriend's Facebook page. "Alright, I'm gonna friend you guys and you see what her page is like." He said.
"Oh my god... This is perfect!" Chris giggled.
"Amazing. We've really outdone ourselves with this masterpiece!" Greg said, jokingly pretending to cry.
"I'd high five you, but we're on the phone, so I'll just say 'nicely done, bro. Nicely done'." Daniel said.
"Alright, I'm gonna unfriend you now and friend Krech." Bartkowski hung up on everyone and clicked the unfriend button on Greg's, Daniel's and Chris' names and typed in David Krejci's. he then clicked 'friend'. "Oh, this is just TOO easy!" He laughed.