Two Pieces of a Broken Heart

“So you’re really going to go through with this?” Jack asked me as I was getting ready for mine and Lo’s first therapy session

“Weren’t you the one to encourage this?” I asked him annoyed. I was both nervous and skeptical about doing this. Nervous because I’m not sure if it will help Lo out. And skeptical because I know that therapy isn’t for me. I’m doing this solely for Lo. I need her to realize that I won’t be an idiot this time around and how much I do love her.

“No, Brie encouraged her. I never thought Lo would agree knowing that you don’t like therapy. I thought she would go on her own but not ask you.” He told me. I know Brie and I aren’t close so unless Lo has told her things she doesn’t know much about my past. And of course Lo has been in therapy since she was a teenager so I see why Brie would give Lo this idea.

“I’m doing this for her. I would do anything to get her back. So if this is what I have to do then so be it.” I sighed.

“If she senses that you’re not fully committed then she’s not going to give you a second chance.” Jack pointed out. I knew he was right but what else was I supposed to do? If I refused then she would get all these crazy ideas in her head and think I really want Lisa and am staying out of pity. Both of these are the farthest thing from the truth.

“Aren’t you supposed to be with Rae or something?” I grumbled not wanting to talk about therapy any longer.

“She’s at work.” He shrugged. “I bought her a ring.” he blurted out suddenly. I was shocked by this revelation. I know that he’s completely in love with Rae and has been for years, but I never thought I would see the day that my best friend proposed to a girl.

“Oh wow.” I stared at him in shock. “When are you going to pop the question?”

“This weekend. Lo and Brie are helping me out with all the planning.” he told me.

“You know that Rae is going to drive you completely insane planning the wedding, right?” I laughed knowing how Rae is when it comes to planning an event. I still remember her masquerade birthday party.

“Don’t remind me.” He groaned. “I love the girl and I want to marry her but I don’t think I can survive that. Do you think I can convince her to elope?”

I laughed loudly at him. “Dude there is no way in hell she is going to elope. She’s going to plan the wedding of the century and you know it.”

“Yeah, yeah.” he sighed. “But it’ll be worth it in the end. I get to spend the rest of my life with her.”

“When did Jack Barakat grow up.” I shook my head not believing what I was hearing.

“You sound like Lo.” he squinted his eyes at me. Sometimes I’m jealous at how close they are. He gets to be close to Lo and I don’t know if I will ever get that chance again.

“Speaking of Lo, I really should get going before I’m late.”

Jack nodded and got up from the couch, “good luck, dude.”

When I got to the therapist’s office, Lo wasn’t there yet which shocked me. Lo was always fifteen minutes early to everything. And I am actually two minutes late. So I went up to the desk and told the receptionist that I had an appointment with Dr. Peterson. “Have a seat, Dr. Peterson will be right with you.” the receptionist smiled at me.

I sat there for a few minutes before a door opened and a tall woman walked out. “Alex?” she said. I looked up but said nothing because I was so nervous. She smiled at me obviously sensing my nerves. “You can come on back.” she told me.

“Um, but Lauren isn’t here yet.” I said checking the time on my phone. I was worried about her. My mind raced with horrible thoughts. Was she hurt? Was one of the girls hurt? I had text her but she didn’t respond which worried me more.

“Oh, but she is. She’s in my office.” Dr. Peterson informed me. This confused me even more. Why was Lo already here? And why had they started the therapy session without me?

“Oh.” was all I could say before standing up and following Dr. Peterson to her office. When we go to her office, I saw Lo sitting on the couch, staring at her hands that are on her lap. “What’s going on?” I asked curiously as I sat down next to Lo.

“Lauren decided to come in early to talk to me before you showed up.” Dr. Peterson explained as she sat across from Lo and I. I was still confused so I looked over at Lo who sighed. “Lauren, I believe you have something to tell Alex.”

Lauren finally looked up at me and she looked like she has been crying. This worried me even more. Did she not want to get back together? I’m pretty sure I’m not even breathing anymore because I’m so scared. “You can tell me anything, you know that Lo.” I told her as I took her hand in my own.

She took a deep breathe before speaking. “I came here today with every intention in starting therapy with you, but last night I realized that this will never work. I wanted to get Dr. Peterson’s advice on it before I completely cut off therapy with you. And we came to the conclusion that we shouldn’t do therapy together.”

“But why?” I asked. It felt like my heart was about to beat out of my chest. What the fuck was going on? Is she giving up on us? I’m terrified at this point.

Lo laughed nervously. “
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“This feels so awkward.” I tell Lo as we sit down at a table at the park. We decided to pick up the girls and take them to the park while we do our first therapy homework.

“Why should it?” she looked at me curiously.

“I just feel like we’re being made talk about things and it doesn’t feel normal.” I tried to explain myself. “I don’t know if that makes sense.”

Lo tilted her head and squinted her eyes at me. “Yeah I guess it makes sense. But it shouldn’t feel awkward. We are just two people talking. It doesn’t have to feel forced.”

I understood what Lo meant. We are friends who are just hanging out. It wasn’t this awkward before so why should it be now. I guess I’m just nervous to talk to her since I have no idea how this will turn out. It scares me that I will fall even more in love with her for it to turn out that we will never be back together. I’m not sure if I can take that. But on the other hand I know that I can’t just give up without a fight.

I look over at the girls who are playing on the slides and think about how wonderful it is to be able to sit here and watch them play. I didn’t think that this would ever happen. After I found out that Aspen was my daughter and Lo had never told me, I was terrified that she would continue to keep her away from me. I can’t imagine my life without them now.

“So the homework is to tell each other one thing a day that we appreciate about the other. Mine first one letting me be able to be a dad to those two beautiful girls.” I told her, still staring at my girls.

When she didn’t say anything right away, I looked over at her and saw her smiling at me. When she saw that I was now looking at her she looked down at the table then over at the girls. “I regret not telling you about Aspen. But I was so hurt and angry. I never intended to lie about her paternity, but when Jack brought me home after seeing Lisa at your house in her underwear, I was a wreck. And you know Zack, he wanted to wring your neck. I made him promise me that he wouldn’t hurt you even though it’s exactly want I wanted him to do. I didn’t want the drama. I just wanted to forget you and just move on with my life and be healthy for my baby. We all knew that you would never just let me go without a fight especially when you found out I was pregnant. Not with how close you got with Faith. That’s when Lena suggested I lie and say I cheated. The only person you would believe I would do that is with Zack. So that’s what I did. I lied. But never did a day go by that I didn’t think about you. Even when she was born, I told her who you were. Zack has always been just her uncle.”

“I regret walking away that day and not fighting.” I told her honestly. “But aren’t we just supposed to getting to know each other again? Not discussing the nitty gritty stuff like the doc said.”

“You’re right.” she laughed. “So besides nearly getting married, what have you been up to these past four years?”

I cringed at her talking about my near marriage. I know we both don’t want to talk about that, but we will have to eventually. Right now is just not that time. Still doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable. “Nothing really. You know about the new album and the tour. Other than that my life hasn’t changed all that much.”

“I didn’t want to listen to the album at first.” she admitted. “I was afraid of what I would hear. I didn’t want to hear about your pain or any harsh things you would have to say about me. But Zack convinced me to listen to the album one night so I did. It’s all Aspen heard for the first year of her life. It’s the only thing that would make her sleep.”

That made me smile. Knowing that Aspen knew my voice as a baby and that I was some part of her life made me happy. “Tell me more about her.”

“She was a colicy baby for the first few months. She cried so much. It made me have so much anxiety because I didn’t know what to do. Faith was such an easy baby, she hardly ever cried. So I started playing your album one night and she instantly shut up. It was like she knew it was you somehow.” she paused and looked over at the girls. “Still to this day your music is the only thing that will get her to calm down when she’s upset. But other than that she’s the most happy little girl. Such full of life. She reminds me so much of you with how hyper she gets and how she just loves to entertain people.”

“That’s what my mom said.” I said thinking about the talk I had with my mom at the hospital the day of the accident. She just raved about how much Aspen is like me. I don’t think I believed her until I actually got to spend time with her and she’s such a social butterfly. She does remind me of myself when I was younger.

I got lost in my thoughts until I heard someone humming a familiar song. I looked up and saw that it was Lo and she was humming one of my songs. One of the new ones actually, Somewhere In Neverland to be exact. I know she said that she played the album for Aspen but I never thought she would have attached herself to one of them. Especially since that song was for her. “You like that song?” I laughed.

I don’t think she realized what she had been doing until I asked her because she jumped then started to blush. “It’s actually one of my favorites on the album.” she confessed.

“It was for you.” I told her not really knowing what else to say.

“I know.” she nodded. “Zack told me after he made me listen to the album. He also told me not to read too much into The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver.”

I cringed at that. I never even thought about how it would be perceived to Lo. I didn’t even think much about any of the songs when putting them on the album. I just put the ones that I loved the most. That one I had written back when I was still with Lo and Lisa started fucking with our relationship. I just wanted her to leave me and Lo alone and be happy for us. I thought we had been friends but I obviously was wrong at that point. “Did he tell you that it was about Lisa?”

“He did.” she sighed obviously not wanting to talk about her.

Before we could talk anymore about the music Faith came running over with Aspen close behind. “Mommy, is daddy going to live with us now?” she asked with so much hope in her voice.

“Not right now, sweetie.” she told her then looking up at me. “But maybe this weekend you can have a sleepover with daddy.”

“Okay.” Faith sighed. “Can he at least have dinner with us?”

“I think that sounds like a good idea.” Lo smiled. This made both Faith and Aspen squeal with excitement. “Okay, let’s go to Uncle Zack’s. He’s supposed to make us dinner anyways.”

I had helped Lo put the girls in her car and went to get in the car with she stopped me. I looked at her confused. “I never told you what I appreciate about you.” she said making me laugh. “I appreciate that you’re there for the girls. Most guys would never had taken in a child that wasn’t even theirs like you did with Faith. But you treated her as your own from day one. And I know you’ve only been in Aspen’s life a short while but I know you’re such an amazing father to her. To both of them. After what I did, most guys would have either ran for the hills or taken the child away. But here you are surprising me. You know about my past and how I was always so scared of getting close to people because I was always let down. You proved to me by coming back and being here that you are one of the good ones. For that I am grateful and I appreciate you so much.”

I smile at her then kissed her forehead. “I love those girls so much. And Faith never has to know any differently. She is mine no matter what. And I will always be there for them and will always love you.”

She didn’t say anything, she just got in the car. I know that we haven’t really make a breakthrough and won’t until we get to the big topics that we need to discuss but today has given me so much hope for that second chance.