Two Pieces of a Broken Heart

“I can’t believe that you’re actually doing this.” I said with a laugh. It’s been nearly a month since I was released from the hospital and things have been going pretty well. Alex has regular visits with the girls, which they love. Faith has always seen Alex, but now that Aspen finally gets to see him it really has made a difference in her life. She always knew who he was because I have pictures of him in her room so she would always know that her dad was out there, but ever since he’s been in her life she’s a lot happier. Not saying she was never a happy child because she’s such a social butterfly with a personality that can light up a room. But something about having her dad around just has opened her up even more, if that’s possible.

Right now I am at a jewelry store with Jack who is looking for an engagement ring for Rae. I can’t believe this man child is actually going to settle down. Never thought I would see that day. “We’ve been together for over three years, isn’t this the next step in a relationship.” he asked looking up from the jewelry case.

“Well yeah, but I just didn’t think you would ever get married.” I told him. “How the hell are you getting married before me? You’re the most immature person I know.”

“Hey, I may be immature but that’s what Rae loves about me.” he pointed his finger at me. “Plus I never thought I would get married either. But I know I don’t want to spend my life with anyone but her. I know she wants the marriage, the big wedding, the family, the whole shebang, so that’s what I’m going to give her.”

“Aww, my little Jacky is growing up.” I said in a baby voice as I pinched his cheeks.

“Ow, that hurts!” he groaned as he pushed my hands away. “Now help me find the perfect ring for her.”

“Okay, okay.” I threw my hands in the air. “Nothing extravagant though. But it has to be unique.”

“Got it.” I heard him say. “So, how are things going with Alex?”

I sighed, I knew this conversation was going to happen. I just hoped it wouldn’t. “There is no me and Alex. Just two people who happen to have kids.”

“That’s bullshit and we both know it.” he snapped. “If Lisa hadn’t fucked shit up then you and Alex would be married right now.”

“I know that and I wish that things were different. But shit happened and this is where we are.” I sighed. “And as much as I would love to be with him again, I’m not sure I can be.”

“Why?” he asked curiously.

I stopped looking at the rings and looked up at him. “It would be different if he hadn’t almost married Lisa. But he did. After everything she put us through he chose to go back to her. That hurts me to the core. I know I broke up with him and I hurt him by making him believe that I cheated on him. It still doesn’t change the fact that he went back to her. That vile girl. If he had moved on with any girl I would have been fine. But when Zack told me that Alex was back with Lisa, my heart shattered more than it already was. I was hollow on the inside. The only thing that kept me going was my girls. I can’t be with him knowing he was going to marry her.”

I could tell that Jack was at loss for words. He stared at me with a sad look on his face. “I wish he hadn’t done that. We all yelled at him for it, which you know. I don’t even know why he went back to her. He hated her with a passion. But I think she manipulated him with her mental state. He felt sorry for her and she totally played on it.”

“He wants to be a couple again. He’s asked me about it.” I told him. “Faith is pushing it too. She wants Alex to live with us. It hurts my heart when she asks and I have to tell her that won’t happen.”

“Do you think that you’ll ever give him another chance?” he asked as he gave me a hug.

I shrugged, “I won’t say I never would because I can’t predict the future. But I don’t foresee myself doing that. At least not in the near future. It’s all still too much. Even when I hang out with him, all I can see is him and her together. It makes me nauseous. Maybe one day. We’ll see.”

“Okay, enough emotional shit.” he rubbed my back. “See anything that she would like?”

“I was thinking about that pink tear drop one.” I pointed to the ring. “She doesn’t want a white diamond. She wants something of color, I know that much.”

“That one is pretty.” he nodded.

“You know she has her wedding all planned out. She has this huge folder full of everything she wants.” I told him.

“Yeah, I’ve seen that thing. It’s massive.” he shuddered.

“Can I help you with anything?” a lady that worked at the store asked us.

“Uh, can I see that pink ring right there?” he asked as he pointed to the ring.

“That’s a pretty one.” she smiled as she opened the case and took out the ring.

I gasped seeing the ring up close. “It’s gorgeous.”

“I think this is the one.” he smiled. I nodded in agreement.

As Jack was paying for the ring and talking to the jeweler about Rae, I couldn’t help but feel sad. I was incredibly happy that two of my best friends were getting married. I know they are perfect for eachother. Rae tamed Jack from his insanity and actually sort of matured him. Just as Jack has tamed Rae from her promiscuity and has made her happy. I never thought either one of them would settle down. Jack because he’s the most immature guy around and Rae because of the whole Landon thing. But seeing Jack picking out a ring for Rae and planning their life together makes me happy. But at the same time it’s making me sad. Because I don’t see myself having that again. I had my whole future with Alex planned out in my head and it was ruined. Like I told Jack, I don’t think I could give him a second chance knowing he was going to marry Lisa. I don’t think I will ever understand how he could do that. I get he was hurt too but why Lisa. Out of the billions of girls in the world, why her?

“You ready?” Jack asked me, breaking me out of my own thoughts.

“Um, yeah.” I nodded.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Mommy!” I heard Faith yell from the hallway.

I was sitting in my closet going through a box of Alex’s stuff and things that reminded me of him. I hadn’t looked at it in a really long time. I tried not to because it always made me cry. It was hard enough going into Aspen’s room and seeing all the pictures I had of him up so she could see her daddy.

I quickly put the things back into the box and pushed it back into it’s hiding place before Faith saw it. I was confused to why she was here. She wasn’t due back home for another hour. Alex had the girls for the day. Faith was standing in the middle of my room when I came out of the closet. “What are you doing here baby girl?”

“Daddy wants to talk to you.” she told me. Immediately my thoughts turned bad. Did something happen? Is Aspen hurt? What other reason would Alex drop the girls off early? My heart started to race as I ran downstairs.

“Whoa.” Alex caught me when I nearly missed the last step on the stairs. “Where is the fire?”

“What’s wrong? Is Aspen hurt?” I asked frantically.

“Lo, breathe.” he tried to calm me down. “Aspen is fine. She’s in the kitchen getting a drink. Why would you think something is wrong?”

“You’re early. You’re never early.” I told him.

He chuckled, “I didn’t know punctuality was a crime.”

“It’s not.” I smiled. “But you’re an hour early. You always spend every second of your time with the girls.”

“I know and I love it. But Faith wanted to have a family dinner and insisted we come over.” he told me with a smile. “You know I can’t say no to her.”

“I didn’t take anything out for dinner. You were supposed to have dinner with the girls so I was just going to have a sandwich or something.” I rambled.

“That’s fine, I can take you girls out to dinner.”

I shook my head as I heard Aspen’s footsteps behind me. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“It’s not like it’s a date, Lo. It’s just two friends having dinner who happen to have kids.” he tried to persuade me.

“I just,” I sighed as I ran my fingers through my hair. “I just don’t know. I don’t want to give the girls false hope. Faith wants us to be a family so badly and it hurts that I can’t give that to her.”

“Please, mommy. I want to have dinner with all of us together. Just like Auntie Brie, Uncle Drew, Izzy and Jase do. Uncle Liam, Auntie Savannah have dinners with Logan, Nessa and Amy every night. Why can’t we?” Faith said from the stairs. I could see the pain in her eyes. She wanted this so badly and it’s breaking my heart. I want to say yes to this, but I’m not sure I can let myself do this.

“Faith, can you take your sister to the toy room while I talk to your daddy?” I instructed my daughter.

She sighed, not really wanting to do that. “Fine.” she gave in and stomped off making Aspen follow her.

“Look, Alex, I want nothing more than to be a normal family with you and our girls. But that’s just not the case.” I paused and sat down on the stairs. “Yes we are friends and it’s nice to have that back, but at the same time it’s not the same and I’m not sure how long it’s going to take me to be able to get to that point.”

“What is so hard about getting us back? You seemed to be quite willing when I picked you up at the hospital a month ago. What happened?” he questioned. I could hear the pain and frustration in his voice.

“I thought I could then. But the more time I spent with you the more I saw you with Lisa. The closer I got to being back to normal with you, the more I thought about the fact that I was about to stop your wedding. You damn wedding Alex. To a horrible person. A person who wanted me dead. A person who tried everything in her power to break us up. Hell she fucking succeed in doing just that. I don’t think I can get over that fact.” I told him honestly.

“I wish I could take that back.” he sighed and sat down next to me. “My mom still hasn’t forgiven me for it either. But she’s my mom so she’s obligated to still talk to me.”

I laughed at that. Isobel always told me that she hated her son for doing something so stupid. Carla was always my second mom, and I got pretty close to Joyce after becoming friends with Zack, but the last few years I've gotten really close to Isobel. I knew she knew that Aspen was Alex's but neither one of us ever said a thing until she finally asked me a couple months ago. I'm glad I have such amazing women in my life. “I know you wish you could. I just don’t understand why you would go back to her knowing everything she did. Knowing she lived in this fantasy world that you two would be together.”

“She was familiar. I know that’s a poor excuse but it’s the truth. I was so heartbroken and she was there. At first I pushed her away and hoped that you would come back. Even though I was pissed at you for saying you slept with Zack, I still prayed that it was some nightmare that I would soon wake up from. When that didn’t happen, I just gave in and let Lisa pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I never ever planned on marrying her but she begged me until finally I just gave in and proposed.” he explained to me. “If it makes you feel any better, even if Mercy and Candice hadn’t stopped the wedding, hell even if you hadn’t had that accident but never showed up to the wedding, I wouldn’t have married her. When I was getting ready that day, I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person staring back at me. Then when I stood at that altar and looked at Lisa, I couldn’t remember the reasons why I agreed to do that. I couldn’t see myself being with her for the rest of my life. I was about to tell the minister to stop when Mercy burst through the doors.”

I thought about what Alex had said and about my girls. Especially the look on Faith’s face. Can I really forget what almost happened? Can I let the past be the past and move on? I do still love Alex with all of my heart. I never stopped loving him. I tried moving on and I did with Isaac. But it wasn’t the same. I didn’t love him like I love Alex. I don’t think I could ever love anyone that way. Alex has had my heart and soul since day one. So the only way to figure out if we can actually become the family that we had dreamed of three years ago is to try. Plus I owe it to my girls to try.

“Okay, we can have dinner.” I caved. “But it’s just as two parents who are trying their best to co parent. That’s all I can promise right now. I love you, yes. But I’m just not ready to take that step right now. We both just ended relationships. I don’t want to jump into something so quickly. I want to take our time this time around. Reconnect and go from there.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” he smiled then pulled me in for a hug.

“Okay girls, we are having dinner with daddy!” I yelled through the house.

I heard them scream in excitement followed by their footsteps. It warmed my heart seeing both girls run into Alex’s arms. They love their daddy and he loves them. This is how I envisioned my life when I found out I was pregnant with Aspen. This is how things were supposed to turn out. It terrifies me to feel this sense of happiness. My life always seems to crumble when it’s going so well. I just hope that it doesn’t this time around. I just want my happily ever after. Is that so much to ask for?

I push the bad thoughts out my head and just prepared myself for dinner.