My Darling

In the cell Loki sits on his cot, two pieces of paper rolled into one scroll held in his hands. His head is down and he’s staring blankly at the scroll, his heart beating quickly in his chest as his mind recalls the written words he can no longer see. “Loki.” Slowly Loki picks his head up and his green blue eyes stare at the guard who just called his name. The guard has no emotions on his face, he looked neither bothered nor pleased as he unlocks the cell making the force field vanish. “Stay where you are and do not move,” the guard orders and steps into the cell. Loki stays put, not wanting to anger the guard and have his letter rejected. It took a lot of convincing on Frigga’s part and a bit of good behavior from Loki for this to even happen right now.

The guard walks over to Loki and holds out his hand, palm up. Loki places the scroll in the guards hand and stares up at him, “If you read this or fail to deliver this to Lady Cora, I will kill you myself,” Loki warns and the guard gives nothing away as he closes his hand around the scroll. Loki watches as the guard leaves his cell and puts the force field back up. Standing up, Loki claps his hands behind his back and starts to pace back and forth once the guard is no longer in sight. Keeping his ears open, Loki listens to the guard’s footsteps and sighs when he hears the prison doors open and close. It is no longer in Loki’s control, if Odin hears about the scroll, Loki will get into a lot of trouble as well as Cora simply because it is addressed to her.



Sliding down off of Archer, Cora smiles and strokes Archer’s mane. “Good run today, boy,” Cora coos to the horse and Archer huffs shaking his head. Cora laughs and grabs a brush so she can give Archer a quick brush down before she heads in for the night. Since Thor left, Cora has spent two month going back and forth to her home and the palace. Most days, Cora stays home and works on new designs for gowns and training outfits, but on other days Cora travels to the palace to visit Xaven, Frigga and Lady Arana. Today, Cora is back home, she just came from the palace and is ready to get a little work done. While brushing Archer, Cora sings softly and her brow furrow in confusion when the sound of horses fill the air. “I’ll be right back.” Cora sets the brush down and walks out of the stables only to see two horses from the palace at the front door of her house.

Cora sees two guards and she watches as they knock on her door. One of the servants’ answers and Cora goes back to Archer, knowing that the guards will be at the stables shortly. The sound of stones crunching under heavy footfalls makes Cora turn around just as the guards reach the mouth of the stables. “Lady Cora?” Cora sets the brush back down and puts Archer in his stall.

“Yes?” Cora walks over to the guards and one holds out his hand. Cora takes the scroll from his hand and her breath catches in her throat when she sees a familiar green and gold ring tied to it. “Who is this from?” Cora questions looking at the two guards.

“Queen Frigga asked us to deliver this message to you.”

“As well as this one.” The other guard holds out another scroll and Cora takes it from him.

“Thank you…” Cora smiles kindly at the guards and they bow before taking their leaves. Cora glances over at Archer fearing for the worst and she bites her lip looking down at the two scrolls. “I’ll be back later,” she tells Archer and leaves the stables. Cora walks to her house and heads right to her room when she gets inside making sure to tell the first servant she sees that she is not to be bothered for the rest of the night. In her room, Cora takes her shoes off and sits on her bed, her legs crossed and her back against the headboard. Setting the scroll without the ring attached to the side, Cora stares down at the scroll in her hands. With a shaky breath, Cora unties the scroll and sets the ring on the bed beside her. “Please let him be alive,” Cora prays and she slowly unscrolls the paper, her eyes widen when she sees the wavy scribbles that is Loki’s handwriting. With weary and skeptical eyes, Cora starts to read Loki’s letter with bated breath.

Dearest
Dear
My Darling,

I feel that it is time to clear the air between us. I do not know how much time has passed since I last saw you, but I think it would be wise of me to try and make sense of my past behavior. Being locked away, being forced to be alone and being surrounded by my endless thoughts has given me nothing, but an endless amount of time to think over everything I have ever done to you.

There was a time when we got lost in the forest and you clung to my side shaking in fear. You cursed ever being my friend and you called me stupid for even suggesting going into the forest without Frigga. If I remember correctly, you tripped over a vine and I caught you right before you fell, but not before you screamed and caught the attention of that wild boar. I told you to climb the nearest tree, but you couldn’t reach the first branch; so we ran and hid behind a waterfall. We were soaked and night was coming fast. (I should tell you now, that I was scared. I was terrified that we would die and the boar would eat us, but I was young and I was taught to never show any fear in front of a lady.) I put on a brave face for you and went out in search of firewood. Thankfully Frigga showed me how to make a fire using magic or we would have gotten sick. We stripped down to nothing and you laid our clothes by the fire to dry while I sat back and watched. We were about ten when that happened and I can still hear the shyness in your voice when you refused to let me hold you for warmth. I am pretty sure I lied about dying to get you in my arms, but I just wanted to keep you safe and warm. I guess even at such a young age, I knew deep down that I felt something for you.

Do you remember when we were teenagers and you read in the garden while Thor and I spared? Thor always beat me, but do you remember when I beat him for the first time? Do you know how I beat him? Thor threatened to take your book and burn it in front of you. He made a move towards you and I reacted like it was the most natural thing in the Nine Realms for me to do. I knew how much you loved to read and I did not wish to see you cry when I could have prevented it. I prevented a lot of your tears growing up when I could. I never imagined that I would be the one to cause them when we got older, for that I am sorry. I want you to know that you are everything to me. Back then and here now, at this very moment, you consume every thought I have. I think about you nightly and most nights it puts me at ease, but other nights it fills me with such sorrow to know that I may never see you again.

There are nights where I can hear your voice in my head, singing to me so softly and feel your fingers in my hair. The dreams of you are so vivid that I wake with an ache so painful and I sometimes think death would be a better punishment then living without you. Thou I guess if true love was easy, we’d all have it, right? I crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous and your love is the only thing that satisfies that craving. Your love is boundless and touches my heart for an eternity. You have a love that no one has ever shown to me before, a love that is only heard of in the tales you are so found of. I always felt so out of place here in Asgard, I grew up in the shadow of Thor and I had no friends expect for you. Odin oversaw everything Thor did, he praised Thor and gave him gifts that were so magnificent and splendid, but me? Odin casted his blind eye on me and Frigga took me into her heart, but it still meant nothing. Frigga may have loved me, but she loved Thor all the same. I wanted to fit in so badly, but nothing I did was ever as grad as Thor.

When I came home from the war, I was nineteen and you were the face I searched for among the crowd. I saw you from afar, standing alone by a tree and you were wearing my colors. Your hair was freely blowing in the wind and I remember when you first noticed me. Your eyes watered, you smiled and with one blink the skirt of your gown was dancing in the breeze as you ran towards me. I jumped off of Archer and everyone parted when they saw me coming, but I lost sight of you. I couldn’t find you fast enough and by the time I caught sight of you again you were nearly in my arms. I caught you as you jumped off the ledge of the wall you had somehow climbed and wiped your tears as you cried. You asked me if this was another one of your dreams and you did not believe me when I told you I was really home. It took a pinch on the nose and a kiss on the forehead for you to see that it was no dream and you cried ever harder. I can’t help, but to laugh now, if only you could have seen your ruined makeup. I pulled a gold chain from around my neck and put it around yours, I don’t think I had ever seen you cry so much. ‘I missed you,’ is what you told me and I couldn’t believe after all the pain and suffering I had put you through, you gave me all I have ever wanted.

It was there when I looked into your eyes that I knew I loved you. The way you looked at me, it took all I had to not kiss you. I know that I should not have pushed you away, but I thought I was doing the right thing. You deserve only the finer things in life, I didn’t think I was worthy of your love, so I tried to make you hate me, but that didn’t really work out to well. I showed you the monster my blood made me and I called you a fool, yet you told me you loved me; it was then that I knew I’ve never wanted to fit in any place expect your heart. When I bedded you, I was overcome with love. You accepted my true form and did not forsake me, but in the following days I started to doubt myself. I compared myself to Thor and Odin. I would never be like them, I knew I would never be the King of Asgard and that’s what you deserved. I foolishly hurt you on purpose so you could find someone who would give you the word. I did not expect for Thor to take that opportunity and try to make you his.

I retaliated and in turn I nearly killed you. I spent four months hating myself and in that hate a true monster was born. I let the lies and stories fuel my hate, I justified my behavior as though it was simply in my natural nature; it was in my blood. If I couldn’t be happy and have love, I wanted everyone to be miserable like me. I thought that if I destroyed everything I knew and once cared about, I could rebuild it; make new lies and stories that made me the hero. I would have been greater than Thor and Odin combined. Thor and Odin would have been mere synonyms for weak and failure if I would have succeeded. In time the memory of their glory and heroism would disappear like smoke, they would be forgotten and the two of them would come to me on their knees, begging for my forgiveness.

That is my reasoning behind everything. It was daft and childish of me to ever push you away, I wish I could take it all back or go back in time and fix it. I want to be good enough for you, Cora. I want to be the man you’re proud to call your husband, lover and friend. I do not wish for anyone to look down at you or spit at your feet because you choose to stand by my side. There are nights where I lay here wide awake, just thinking of the ‘what ifs’. What if I told you at nineteen I loved you? Would you have loved me back? Would we be happily married by now or engaged? What if I was not of Jotun blood and a real Asguaridan? Would I have seen myself worth enough to court you? These are the questions that come to me in the dead of night and I have no answers.

There are other nights, nights I hate to think about. I hate those nights where I start to feel alone. The walls are closing in on me slowly; a wave of sadness travels through the dark night and plants little seeds of demons in my mind, racing out of my pillow and in through my ears. I question myself if any of it was real. I doubt that such a strong love could be wasted on someone like me, but then if I am lucky there is a guard walking by and I’ll ask him the time, much like I did while writing this; he will tell me the time and sometimes the date and I’ll know that your love, the love you have showed me with is real. My darling, it’s 12 am and it’s yet another night that I wish my head was not propped by this pillow, but rather by you. And thinking about it now, I’m sure this blanket would be big enough for two. We would be wrapped in each other’s arms and you would sing a song so sweet. My nightmares would try to come and take me away, but your words and loving embrace would have them beat. I would be safe, I would be happy and I would be yours for eternity.

I do love you. I have loved you since I first saw you, a shy little girl hiding behind her father’s cape twenty two years ago in the throne room; I think I’m gonna love you for a long time.

Forever yours,
Loki
P.S. Please wear my ring. It would give me great comfort to know it is with you and safe.

With tears falling free and a hand covering her mouth to muffle her cries, Cora rereads the letter three times. She smiles to herself knowing that Loki has loved her for so long, but her heart aches at the news. Loki’s words are touching and fill Cora with joy, but they pierce her heart and pluck away at every stepping stone she has laid down to try and move on from Loki. “Loki…” Cora shakes her head and wipes at her tears with free hand. Cora knows that Loki would laugh and call her sill for crying over such a thing, but she can’t help it. Cora has waited years for Loki to admit his love to her and fully mean it without any ulterior motive behind it. Laughing, Cora pulls her rings off of her fingers and she grabs the ring Loki gave to her. Carefully, Cora slips the ring on to her right hand and she smiles seeing the jewel catch the light coming from her window. Looking over at the other scroll, Cora opens it up and sees that it is from Frigga.

My dear girl,

If this is the first letter you’re reading, stop and read the other one first. If you already read the other letter then all I can say is I hope my son did not say anything rude or hurtful. It was my idea for Loki to write you, it took a little convincing, but he came around. I am only writing to inform you on a few matters that I think you should know about. I have talked to Odin and he will not allow Loki to have any visitor, I tried hard to make him see that keeping Loki in solitude will do no good, but he would not listen. With that being said, I do think I will have better luck with Thor when he returns home from the Nine Realms. He still cares for Loki and thinks of him as his brother, but he is hurt deeply by the hate Loki showed him. I am sure with time, Thor will understand why Loki behaved the way he did, but that will not be for some time.

Until then, I feel that I must apologize to you. I have been in contact with Loki behind Odin and everyone’s back for a while now. I visit Loki twice a week and send my guard to his cell with new books when I can. You are guess how I have seen Loki without anyone noticing right now, am I correct? I am the one who taught Loki everything he knows and I would like to teach you one spell. I made a list of everything you will need and the words as well at the bottom of this letter. I will keep it from Loki that I taught you the spell. You do not have to use it if you do not wish to see him, but know this, if you do choose to you the spell you must understand that you will not be able to touch Loki nor he you. You will see Loki and he will see you, but there will be no physical bond because the spell is a tick of the mind. I do hope you see you again soon, take care and make sure you bring your newest gowns with you to the palace when you return next.

Frigga

Cora reads over the spell and she smiles. It is simple enough and she is more than pleased that Frigga shared this with her. Cora makes a mental note to make a new gown for Frigga to show her thanks for everything she has done. Without Frigga, Cora and Loki would truly be separated for eternity.