Everything You Want

As Norman and I reached the door to Seans’ apartment, it was thrown open before either of us hand a chance to knock. Sean pulled me inside, completely enveloping me in a bone-crushing hug that only made my panic increase.

What was going on?

Instead of pushing him for an explanation, I hugged him back as tightly as I possibly could. He was shaking, clinging to me like I would disappear the moment his grip loosened. I peered over his shoulder at Norman and Cleo, searching for any kind of clue. Norman looked as confused as I felt, but Cleo had tear stains down her face and adorned the most sympathetic expression I’d ever seen from another human being. I think seeing Sean so terrified and broken had taken a larger toll on her than the actual situation, and I couldn’t much blame her. Sean was always everyone’s rock, no matter the situation, no matter how much it hurt him. Now, he needed a rock. Who could possibly be strong enough for that, though? Norman was the only person who came to mind- I know Cleo and I would both try our best, but Norman was stronger than each of us and had a special bond with Sean.

“McKenzi, I fucking love you. You’re not even my cousin, you’re my sister and my best friend. I love you,” and he repeated that he loved me over, and over again until Cleo interrupted him.

“Sean, you’ve got to tell her what’s going on, baby.”

There was a broken-ness in the way her voice was just only above a whisper as she looked at the two of us. Again, I looked to Norman for help. He stared helplessly back at me, wide-eyed and torn.

I felt Sean shake his head against my shoulder, and a choked sob escaped his lips as he pulled away with a death grip on my shoulders. Now, he had tear stains down his cheeks too.

“Sean, I love you,” I whispered, unsure of what else I could possibly say that would help comfort him. He took a step away from me, turning and running a hand down his tired face.

“Kenz… there was an accident,” he began, and I nodded. He had said that on the phone.

“I can tell her, if you want me to, Sean,” murmured Cleo, placing a gentle hand on his forearm. He shook his head stubbornly.

“No- no, it has to be me…” said Sean, and then he moved back to stand in front of me. “I- t-there was an accident. I got a phone call from the police department, because they thought you were still in Europe…”

Oh, God.

“Your parents… driving here, t-they were hit… by an 18-Wheeler,” he said, and my hands flew to cover my mouth. “Their car flipped three times, and wrapped around a light pole. There was no saving them…”

Norman caught me before I fell as I stumbled back, away from Sean as if his words had created a barrier. I stared wide-eyed at him, the tears finally meeting my own eyes and it all made sense. Why Sean had been so adamant Norman be safe driving us back, why he had told me repeatedly that he loves me, why he had been crying, why he had held on to me for dear life.

He wrapped Cleo tightly in his arms as she tried to comfort him, to no avail. I couldn’t take my eyes off of his own, and I kept praying over and over that they would walk through the door any minute, telling us that it was a different Mr. and Mrs. Kamden, who drove a black 2012 Malibu that proudly brandished a U.S. Veteran tag, and a U.S. Government sticker in the window that allowed one of them into the Pentagon.

But no one walked through the door. No amount of time spent shaking my head as Sean and I stared helplessly at each other would change that.

“Kenz, I love you, I’m so sorry,” he choked out, and I shook my head again, burying my face into my hands. “I looked at them as parents, too. I love you.”

“I love you too, Sean,” I whispered between hiccupped sobs. It was then that Norman turned me around in his arms, and held my shaking body against his firm chest. One of his arms was an iron bar around my shoulders, while the other rubbed up and down my back as he tucked my head underneath his chin. He didn’t even try to say anything, he just held me.

“Dad, I- why’s Mac crying? What’d you do, Dad?”

We all turned to look at Mingus, who had just entered the foyer. I hadn’t even known he was here.

“Ming, not –“

“No, Norman,” I murmured, somehow managing to slip out of his grasp so that I could go to the young boy. I kneeled in front of Mingus, and smiled sadly up at him, tears flowing freely now. Cautiously, he reached out and wiped one from my face. I caught his hand, and held onto it for a moment. “Ming, the only thing your dad did… was be exactly what I need, right now. It’s not his fault, at all. In fact, I’m really not sure what I would do if he wasn’t here…”

My voice caught in my throat for a moment at the end, and I pursed my lips together as I shook a shaky breath.

“Why are you crying, then?” he asked, in such a small, timid voice. Another sob slipped past my lips before I could wrap my mind well enough around the information to speak it.

“Baby, my- my mom and dad… they were, well, they were… they were in a car accident today,” I began, and without any other words, he stepped towards me and hugged me.

“I’m sorry Mac but they love you and they’re in a better place now. They’ll never be in pain again. You know?”

Leave it to Mingus. I nodded once, and stood back up again.

“Ming, why don’t you go grab your jacket? Sean and I will take you to your mom’s tonight, okay, buddy?” said Cleo, and Mingus simply nodded his head once. He hugged me again, and scurried to one of the other rooms.

Again, I felt Normans arms move around me and I turned into his body. Seconds later, Mingus appeared with his jacket on. He moved to Norman and I, hugging us both simultaneously. Keeping one arm still around me, Norman ruffled his sons’ hair before he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of his head that lingered a moment longer than usual. When he moved, I leaned down and kissed Mingus’ cheek. He grinned toothily at me, with a twinkle in his eyes.

“It’ll be okay, Mac. Whenever I’m upset, Dad always takes real good care of me. He’ll take care of you, too. He loves you, and I do too. It’ll be okay, we’re still a family,” he said, and glanced up at his dad, Sean, and Cleo- who looked like she was about to gush over Mingus. “I’ll see you later, Dad.”

“I love you, son,” replied Norman, a slight gruffness in his voice that I hadn’t ever heard before.

“Love you too, Dad,” he said, and moved towards Sean and Cleo.

“We’ll be back soon,” murmured Cleo, taking the keys from Sean as she gave him a very pointed ‘you-are-not-driving’ look. “Love you!”

My eyes met Seans, and my lip trembled again. He gave me a sad smile, promising to come home- most likely with Cleo, as well. I melted back in to Normans embrace as the door shut softly behind them, and buried my face in his chest. One hand clutched onto the front of his shirt, and the other arm was around his middle. Without warming, Norman took the hand that was against his chest, and brought it to his lips only moments after he pressed a gentle, protective kiss to the top of my hair.

I lifted my eyes to his, and found myself unable to look away. There were a thousand emotions swirling around, and I was just so intrigued by the color. I was getting lost in his eyes, and I wasn’t going to fight it. They seemed to be the only thing I could find a sliver of peace in for the time being.

Normans hand softly moved down my arm, and up to my face where he brushed a few tears from my damp cheeks.

“You know, Ming was right,” he whispered, and I found myself getting weak from the intensity that burned so brightly in his eyes.

“About what?” I croaked, the words burning in my throat.

There was a softness in Normans expression as he smiled ever so faintly, twisting his fingers into my hair and brushing my cheek with his thumb. “I’ll take care of you. I love you- more than anyone, except for him. I – I’ll be anything you need me to be, just please don’t push me out.”

My lips parted to say something, anything, but no words brushed past my vocal chords. No words even came to mind. I simply closed my mouth, and nodded slowly as he pulled me back against his body. I wasn’t complaining, at all.

We stayed like that for a short time, and I found a certain calming sensation in his heartbeat. So strong, and never faltered- yet, I found myself holding my breath in anticipation for the next. Finally, I realized that I was completely burning up in two jackets, a shirt, and a tank top. The attire had been perfectly acceptable in the cold streets, but not here in Seans apartment… not while Norman was already producing all the body heat I needed, and then some.

I began wiggling out of his grasp, and I smiled gently when I saw the panic flash across his face. “It’s really hot in here.”

He exhaled softly, helping me tug off his jacket. From there, I discarded my hoodie and t-shirt, leaving me in a black tank top with a little bit of lace at the top and around the bottom hem.

“Are you tired? Do you wanna head back to your room and try to sleep?” he asked softly. “I’ll wait up for Sean.”

I nodded, and turned towards the hallway before a thought froze me in place.

“Norman?”

“Mm?”

I bit my lip, staring at the floor around his shoes. I didn’t even know how to ask him this. “Would you… would you, maybe, just… “

“Anything you ask, Kenz. Just tell me.”

I tore my eyes from the floor, and looked at the door to my room as I let out a breath. “…come with me?”

I couldn’t even look at him while I waited for his answer. Instead of saying anything, though, he slid his large hand into my much smaller one. Instinctively, our fingers laced together and he began moving his thumb across the back of my hand. I stared at it for a moment, and then glanced up at Norman. He held the most genuine of smiles I had seen since arriving back in New York. Though it was small and sad, there was a genuineness behind it that made me want to proclaim my undying love to him. To tell him I would always be his, and that I had never dated anyone else.

Without a word, he led us back to the room. I began putting away my hoodie and shirt once there, and rummaged through the drawer until I found a pair of gray and pink hello kitty shorts. Quietly, I shimmied out of my jeans and into the soft cotton shorts. When I had put away my jeans, I turned back to Norman.

“C’mere,” he murmured, holding his arms out to me. I didn’t waste a single second in moving to him. In that moment, I couldn’t think of anything more comforting than being held by Norman. But as my thoughts began building up again, a small whimper fell through my lips.

“I can’t even get married now,” I whispered, feeling utterly defeated.

“Why not?”

“Because, who is going to walk me down the isle…? No one.”

Norman chuckled lightly, shaking his head. “Sean would be more than honored, you know that.”

“No- he can’t. You guys have always promised to be each other’s best man. I can’t steal him from you,” I whined, and only did I realize just what I’d said when Normans entire body froze.

“I wouldn’t mind, at all. Andrew could be my best man, I work with him… You’d really like him,” he sighed, running his fingers through my hair. My heart was beating at such an irregular pace at this point. “You know, today… when you had on that wedding gown? I’m pretty sure seeing you walk towards me in it is forever seared into my mind. You were… stunning. Breathtaking, even.”

“My mom will never see me in a wedding dress,” I began, and didn’t even try to hold back the sobs that came forth. He pulled back slightly, and took my face in his hands.

“Shh,” he murmured, pressing his forehead against my own as he brushed away tear after tear. When that didn’t work, he shifted slightly and resorted to tenderly kissing away each tear. I was so upset that I couldn’t even register what he was doing, couldn’t properly think.

I could have driven to my parents house, instead of them driving here. I should have. I could have taken an early flight from London, and landed at an airport near where they lived. Sean would have picked me up and brought me back to NYC, without so much as a second thought. I hadn't seen my parents in the last three years, since I flew them out to London...

“Baby, don’t cry,” he pleaded, and again his voice wrapped my heart in something electrifying. “I-I’ll do anything. Just, don’t cry…”

I bit my lip then, nodding my face between his hands. I opened my eyes, locking with his immediately. My lungs frosted over, preventing me from taking a deep breath I desperately longed for. My mind was fogging over the more I became aware of how close we were, how close our faces were.

Norman moved one of his hands, brushing some hair from my face ever so gently as the other tugged my face closer. I felt my eyes flutter closed again the moment I could feel his breath cascade down my skin, pulling goose bumps wherever it touched. I almost couldn’t believe it when I felt Normans lips press ever so tenderly against my own; hesitant, even. Instinctively, my arms wrapped around his neck and my body melted into his entirely, one of his hands keeping me pressed against him as it rested on the small of my back.

He pulled away all too soon, mere seconds later, but I was having none of that. I rose to the top of my toes, and attached my lips to his- leading into the most desperate of kisses shared between two individuals. My fingers found the hem of his t-shirt, and easily pulled it from his body.

His finely sculpted arms, chest, and abdomen left me breathless as my hands danced along the smooth skin- dipping into the curve of each and every hardened muscle. I hadn’t even realized we had somehow moved against the bed until I felt the edge of it against the back of my knees. Effortlessly, without breaking the kiss once, Norman lifted me into his arms before setting me against the pillows and comforter.

I could feel each constriction and ripple of muscle as he did so, pulling a soft moan from my throat.

I reached for his belt moments after allowing his tongue to slip into my mouth, and began tugging at it. Immediately, Norman pulled away and hovered over me.

My first reaction was embarrassment. He didn’t want me like that, and he was only kissing me because he thought it would make me feel better. My second reaction was guilt. Pain came last, but it easily overtook the first two. The tears welled up in my throat before I could look away.

“Kenz, no-no, --“

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed, shaking my head feverishly. “I just.. I don’t even know. Am I not pretty enough? Or, y-you don’t love me like that- oh, God, fuck- I, --“

He silenced me with his lips, placing a quick but effective kiss on my mouth as I rambled.

“It’s nothing like that,” he whispered, and dropped his head into my neck. He took a shaky breath, and gently kissed the top of my shoulder before rising back up to look at me.
“I just want to do things right, McKenzi. I want to take you on dates, because that’s what you do when you really like a girl. I wanna take you to these ridiculously expensive restaurants, and then to stupid little burger joints. I want to surprise you with your favorite movies and take out when you don’t feel like going out. I want you to be my date to all these stupid premier events I have to go to, because they’ll be so much better with you on my arm… I want to take pictures of you in the middle of the city, and I want you to be the only girl I’m ever photographed with, ever again. I wanna buy you things that are stupid expensive, and things that are just silly little gifts…I want the whole world to know that I am with you, that I’m completely yours in every way possible. I want to officially date you, and do things the right way... I’d rather fight with you for an eternity than spend an hour with someone else.”

I couldn’t breathe when Norman had finished, and silent tears were pouring down my face. He hadn’t bothered to wipe them away this time, he simply poured his heart to me.

“Fuck, I just love you so much,” he whispered, and in that moment I had never seen him more vulnerable. i didn’t know what else to do, how to replace that beautiful vulnerability with something more comforting. It was then, I knew.

I wanted to be the only woman to make Norman feel vulnerable. I wanted to be the only woman he held, kissed, made love to. I wanted to wake up to him in the mornings, and fall asleep curled into his side. I wanted to give every part of me to him all over again, and for the last time.

I couldn’t put any of that into words though, so I just leaned up and kissed him. I tugged on his shoulders until I felt his arms wrap around my body and his torso rest on top of mine.

“Norman,” I murmured, pulling away slightly. His forehead was against mine, and he was gazing affectionately down at me. I was nervous- I was a schoolgirl with a crush on the best guy in the whole school. “I- I want that, too.”

I love you, too.

Norman smiled briefly, and kissed the tip of my nose and forehead before he rolled off of me. I twisted onto my side, facing him as he pulled the comforter on top of us. I snuggled into his body and his arms locked around me- protective, loving. Moments later, I drifted into the most peaceful sleep I’d had in years entirely because of the man beside me.