Everything You Want

The next day was rather packed for me. I had two photo-shoots and one runway late that night, which I told Cleo and Sean to not worry about attending and have a date night or some shit. The first photo shoot was with Nigel Barker for Vanity Fair, and it went smooth as ever. It didn’t even take two hours for him to get the shots he wanted, and from there I went straight to the next. It took a little longer, the photographer was less skilled than Nigel but I didn’t mind. Everyone has to start somewhere.

The fashion runway tonight was VIP access only, meaning strictly for the designers and photographers who had to be there. Tyra was there, of course, along with a couple other big names like Victoria Beckham and Heidi Klum, but they could walk in to any fashion show they pleased. There was very little pressure, and most of the models walking had heaps of experience under their belt. No one stressed, and within an hour and a half we all had walked our outfits and done the final presentation. I stepped into the street shortly after midnight, and took about fifteen minutes to get back to Seans.

In all actuality, I should have known Norman would be there, but I just wasn’t expecting it.

All eyes were on me when I walked into the living area of the flat.

“Uh, hi guys,” I said awkwardly, fiddling with the keys in my hand.

“How’d the shoots and runway go today?” asked Cleo, way too awake and chipper for this time of the night. I dropped my keys into the bowl beside the door which already contained Seans, Cleos, and Normans keys.

“They went fine. Nigel is an amazing photographer, and hands down my favorite to work with. The second guy was a little inexperienced in comparison, but it went fine. Then the show was really laid back; all experienced models, not too many big names, all good.”

I pretended to not notice how Norman ever so slightly recoiled when I mentioned Nigel was my favorite photographer. It was no secret that Nigel was one of the most skilled photographers in the industry, and he was also rather easy on the eyes. He was a natural ladies man, but happily married through the endless rumors about his ‘promiscuity’.

“You’re a mess,” teased Sean, in reference to the heaps of make up and product put in my hair for the fasion show. I rolled my pale blue eyes, but grinned nonetheless.

“But I’m a hot mess!” Norman and Cleo both laughed, while Sean pulled a face. “Anyway, I’m going to shower this all off.”

I disappeared into my room to gather the essentials, and headed to the bathroom.

Forty-five minutes later, I emerged. I was wearing soft cotton white Hello Kitty pajama pants, and a matching white tank top. My long dark hair was pulled into a messy bun, and I plopped down on the couch. Cleo and Sean were in the loveseat, and Norman and I occupied each end of the leather couch in front of the television like we were afraid to be anywhere near each other.

Norman glanced over at me briefly, and a small smile threatened to form in reactin of my attire, before returning his eyes almost instantly to the flat-screen. I had no clue what movie they had put in, but I was content to pretend to watch it to avoid their banter every now and then. It was rather tense, and about thirty minutes later Cleo bid Norman and I goodnight before her and Sean left. I don’t blame them- as much as I didn’t want things to be awkward, it was something that always felt forced. On both ends, really.

Norman didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do.

The movie had gone off just after Sean and Cleo left, and neither of us had noticed- too wrapped up in our own little worlds- and stared at the blank television screen.

There was a soft, nearly inaudible sigh from the other end of the couch and I dared to look over at Norman. He shoved his cell into his pocket, and shifted so he could look at me. His eyes were troubled, and his body language was closed off.

“About the other night…”

I shook my head and held up a hand to stop him. “No, look. I’m sorry. I was so out of line that night… I don’t know what was going through my head at any given point.”

“You don’t have to apologize, McKenzi… I was going to thank you for getting that girl away, and apologize for being such a dick to you.” His voice was softer, and again I shook my head.

“You weren’t a dick. You all know how I can get at clubs while I’m drinking… you were just… you were just looking out for me,” I replied, shifting awkwardly on the sofa cushion and doing my best to avoid his gaze.

“Well, that doesn’t excuse how I acted…” I rolled my eyes, and he smiled hesitantly. “Look, McKenzi, can we just… talk, about what happened?”

“You know, you can call me Kenzi, or Mac, or Kenz, or whatever; I’m not gonna bite your head off,” I muttered, my gaze shifting to my feet, earning a feint chuckle.

“Ming would have words with me if he ever heard me call you Mac, that’s kinda his thing,” he said, and I couldn’t help but smile. He was right; Mingus was the only person who ever called me Mac and I don’t doubt he would in fact be slightly cross with someone else calling me that, even if it was his daddy.

“True,” I agreed. “But you can call me whatever. You don’t have to be all…y’know, formal, now.”

A beautiful smile fell across his features, and I was quickly reminded just who exactly I was talking with. Norman fucking Reedus; a man most girls would kill to be in the same room with. It was hard to wrap my mind around how famous he had become- infinitely more so than Sean, but Normans fame had brought Sean back into the light again. They were something of a package deal, and being related to Sean had lopped me into that package with them for the most part.

I twisted the bracelet on my right arm, and mentally admitted defeat. This conversation was a long time coming, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to put it off forever. We might as well get it over with so the rest of my visit hopefully wouldn’t be nearly as awkward; maybe we could go back to how things were before Norman and I dated, even.

“C’mon,” I sighed, removing myself from the couch. Norman followed silently behind me to the bedroom and left the door slightly ajar. I plopped down on the bed, legs crossed, and he sat on the edge a few inches away.

I sat quietly, waiting for him to collect his thoughts, and we just looked at each other. The only light in the bedroom was coming from two lamps on either side of the king sized bed that had a reddish-purple shade, giving the room a similar hue. The shadows that fell across Normans face seemed to perfectly accent his cheekbones, his jaw line, and make his eyes shine even more.

It seemed like we both realized we had been staring right about the same moment, and immediately my eyes dropped to my hands as a feint blush crept onto my cheeks. I hated he still had that effect on me. I hated that one look from him could make me putty in his hands.

“I fucked up,” he finally said, and the abrupt sound of his voice jarred me back to reality while my attention was snapped back up to him. He was looking at me again, and something about the tenderness and vulnerability in his voice turned my insides to butter.

“Come again?” I asked, squinting in confusion.

“I shouldn’t of ever broke up with you,” his voice was barely above a whisper, and his words combined with the soft gruffness of his voice sent a shiver through my body. “And, then you left. You completely disappeared- you didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself. You wouldn’t even tell me you’d made it anywhere safe that night… I was so worried about you.”

I shifted uncomfortably, completely oblivious to where he was going with this. I had never really thought about my disappearance from his perspective.

“And then, Sean told me you were in London… I hadn’t realized how badly I had fucked up until then. No matter what I did or said, you refused to acknowledge I existed. I felt like you had just thrown the past five years away, like they meant nothing to you… like I meant nothing to you. And that… that really hurt.”

I couldn’t even look at Norman, for fear of another breakdown. I just wanted to crawl into his lap and pick up right where we left off… but that was impossible, and he wasn’t finished.

“I just spiraled on this train of fuck-ups after that. It was one girl after another. I realized after the fact that I was just trying to find these little, just,remnants of you in all these other women, and I only destroyed myself more in the process… You know, I convinced myself that I loved some of them- the ones that had one or two qualities that reminded me of you.”

“Norman, you’ll find someone one day,” I sighed, unable to take much more of his rambling as the sting of tears were already threatening my eyes. Now, listening to his side, I felt like a terrible person. I couldn’t imagine how broken I would be if the tables had been reversed, and Norman left me so abruptly. But I would have never broken up with him.

“No! That’s the thing, Kenz, I thought I would, too,” he said a little forcefully, becoming his usual animated self and throwing his hands in the air. He shook his head once before he buried his face in his hands. “But I already had, and I fucked it all up. Sean knew all along, but he wanted me to realize that for myself. It took years, but when I finally did… It took every bit of self control I had in my body to not go after you.”

“Well why the fuck didn’t you?” Norman flinched slightly at my outburst, but I plowed on. “That’s what the fuck you do when someone you supposedly care so damn much about leaves. Fuck, if Cleo did that, what do you think Sean would do? He’d go after her without a second thought. You don’t love me, Norman, you never did. Not in the way you –and everyone else!- seem to think, at least…”

The raw pain that was etched in each of his features sent needles into my heart. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t let him fool both of us again. He needed to move on, truly. Properly.

“Kenz, I- I thought I was doing the right thing.. by letting you have some space. I realized too late how much you really meant to me, and you’re right- I should have gone after you, but I’m telling you now. I’m so fucking sorry for everything, Kenz. Not a fucking day goes by that I don’t wake up without you beside me and mentally kick myself for letting you get away,” he said, leaning forward with one of his hands pressed into the bed while he peered into my eyes.
After a moment, his whole being softened, blinking a few times to keep his emotions at bay, and took a deep breath. “I love you, McKenzi. I always have, and I’ll never stop. Please forgive me.”

There was an intensity and urgency on top of the tenderness in his voice that was foreign to me, and that alone rendered me silent. I couldn’t deny I still had feelings for the man. It was written all over my face to anyone who even looked my way, and I was sure Norman could see it. I hadn’t officially dated anyone in the last ten years, unlike him, but I had gone on several dates. Nothing about any of them stood out to me, so I just walked away every time.Because they weren’t Norman.

Was I really ready to forgive him though? Did I still love him?

The answers were both blatantly obvious. I had spent too long forcing myself to be angry with him, forcing myself to avoid him at all costs. It was taxing, and I wasn’t sure how much more of it I could handle- especially while he was right in front of me, apologizing with more emotion in his voice than I’d heard from anyone in my life. I couldn’t stay mad at him forever. I couldn’t keep hurting him, over and over again.

I let out a shaky sigh, and scooted to the edge of the bed beside him. I kept my eyes focused on my hands, but I knew he was observing my every move.

“You’re fine,” I whispered, almost afraid to speak to him. “I forgive you.”

With those words, I gave up being angry. I let it all go.

I cautiously leaned against his side with my head against his shoulder, his arm finding its way around my body.

Norman exhaled slowly, as if he had been holding his breath, and whispered a thank you into my hair. I simply nuzzled more into his side, and he squeezed me closer. I fell asleep shortly after, content in his arms.