A True Horror Story
Nothing Personal
I'm not sure if I have experienced a fear greater than the one I experience every single day. I've almost died, I've almost drowned, I've been alone in the dark. No, I've never faced the barrel of a gun or had to choose between my non-existant child's life or my own, I'm still quite young. There's a part of me, or what feels like an absence of something, that isolates me from everything and everyone else. I don't want to feel this way, I do my best to fight it everyday, but the empty feeling never leaves my side.
It started five years ago, and I've been calling out for help since the beginning. Countless times my cries for help have been completely ignored. "Countless" is not an exaggeration either, it's literal, I have been ignored every single time. I've attempted talking to loved ones, but I get the same simple answer: "well, don't."
I cannot help the emptiness, it's real. I have a problem, a depression. I'm a bottle, completely full, and have not been able to release an ounce of pressure. Ironically, I used the term "full" to describe the pressure that feels like utter emptiness. I wouldn't mind dying, to be completely honest. I've attempted suicide four times that nobody knows about, once that placed me in intensive care for 48 hours, and over 80 cuts my parents eventually found and called it "seeking attention." Yes, I want attention. I am selfish, but I want something more than negative attention. I want to feel loved.
Sometimes I feel okay, other times I can visualize myself hanging from the ceiling or lying on the ground blanketed in my brain matter. Yeah, it's disgusting, but it's real. The signs were ignored and soon after, so was the proof. I'm sick, I'm truly sick. I've been silently hoping for an early demise.
My Dad is sending me to college, and I'm thankful. However, it doesn't make me happy. It doesn't fill the emptiness, at times it makes it worse knowing how much I am burdening my father monetarily. I try to talk to him everyday and let him know how thankful I am, but I feel I am only wasting his time, along with his money.
I want to disappear, to vanish, forever missing, no body turned up, no reminder that I ever existed. I have dreams, there are things I want to do someday, but at the end of the day, at the end of forever, the emptiness is still there. An emptiness no amount of money or adventure or published books could fill. Nothing is clear to me, almost as if I'm constantly wearing beer goggles. I don't want to be a part of this world.
Where did the emptiness originate? Nothing was taken from or added to my life that caused a forever tear in my soul. I fight the emptiness, but it's always there, always battling back for it's unwanted place in me. Depression is real, and it's so painful. I'm sick of the burden it has on me and everyone that I love.
It's easy for people that don't understand to have a cure, but truth be told, there is only "fight until you drop." This emptiness is part of me and I am not sure it will ever leave. No matter the waves of advice or motivational words, I am the only person that can fight this. The struggle, the pain and suffering, the fight, it's all very real. Do not be quick to judge, you never know a person's struggle.
It started five years ago, and I've been calling out for help since the beginning. Countless times my cries for help have been completely ignored. "Countless" is not an exaggeration either, it's literal, I have been ignored every single time. I've attempted talking to loved ones, but I get the same simple answer: "well, don't."
I cannot help the emptiness, it's real. I have a problem, a depression. I'm a bottle, completely full, and have not been able to release an ounce of pressure. Ironically, I used the term "full" to describe the pressure that feels like utter emptiness. I wouldn't mind dying, to be completely honest. I've attempted suicide four times that nobody knows about, once that placed me in intensive care for 48 hours, and over 80 cuts my parents eventually found and called it "seeking attention." Yes, I want attention. I am selfish, but I want something more than negative attention. I want to feel loved.
Sometimes I feel okay, other times I can visualize myself hanging from the ceiling or lying on the ground blanketed in my brain matter. Yeah, it's disgusting, but it's real. The signs were ignored and soon after, so was the proof. I'm sick, I'm truly sick. I've been silently hoping for an early demise.
My Dad is sending me to college, and I'm thankful. However, it doesn't make me happy. It doesn't fill the emptiness, at times it makes it worse knowing how much I am burdening my father monetarily. I try to talk to him everyday and let him know how thankful I am, but I feel I am only wasting his time, along with his money.
I want to disappear, to vanish, forever missing, no body turned up, no reminder that I ever existed. I have dreams, there are things I want to do someday, but at the end of the day, at the end of forever, the emptiness is still there. An emptiness no amount of money or adventure or published books could fill. Nothing is clear to me, almost as if I'm constantly wearing beer goggles. I don't want to be a part of this world.
Where did the emptiness originate? Nothing was taken from or added to my life that caused a forever tear in my soul. I fight the emptiness, but it's always there, always battling back for it's unwanted place in me. Depression is real, and it's so painful. I'm sick of the burden it has on me and everyone that I love.
It's easy for people that don't understand to have a cure, but truth be told, there is only "fight until you drop." This emptiness is part of me and I am not sure it will ever leave. No matter the waves of advice or motivational words, I am the only person that can fight this. The struggle, the pain and suffering, the fight, it's all very real. Do not be quick to judge, you never know a person's struggle.
♠ ♠ ♠
Submitted via smartphone.