Wrecking Ball.

I told myself again, I'm never running back on what I said
Trying not to roam but you're so far away
I won't listen to the conscience in my head
I'm conscious but I'm only halfway dead

I felt defeated, as if someone had punched me in the chest multiple times. I was more or less mad at myself for not letting him finish. But I couldn’t fathom the idea of him being married. First off, who the fuck gets married at our age? It’s absurd. Second, that meant he promised his life to another woman and it failed. I didn’t know the reasons why it failed. I just walked away like I normally do. This is why I’m an idiot.

Still. Fuck him for keeping that from me.

I kept myself busy with work all week. We had a new store opening in Rideau centre soon and I was getting the finishing touches on the marketing done. The stress of work got my mind off of Erik, which was nice for once. I threw my pen in disgust at the thought of him. Erik Karlsson: that stupid Swedish man who drives the possibly hottest car ever, who has the nicest eyes, the cutest smile and ---

“Emma?”

I jumped a bit at my computer as I looked up at one of my co-workers, Jennifer. She had this look of worry on her face as she glanced down at me; I assured her I was fine.

“Hey, Jen. Sorry, I’m half asleep.”

“It’s okay. I actually came over to ask you something.”

“Sure.”

“A bunch of us got tickets to the sens game tonight. We have a few extra tickets, so, I was wondering if you wanted to join us?”

I scoffed a bit, that meant breathing the same air as Erik, “No way in hell.”

“It could be fun, please?”

“I’m not going.”

“Fine, if you change your mind, I’ll leave a ticket in your mail box.” She replied as she walked away, not giving me any time to reply to her.

As much as I wanted to go to a hockey game, the thought of being anywhere near Erik right now angered me. My blood was still boiling. That motherfucker was married before he met me. If I knew any better, I’d jump over the boards and beat the shit out him.

In a sense, I should’ve let him explain what actually happened. But I didn’t and it was burned in the back of my mind. I could be texting him good luck right now, before heading towards the arena to cheer him on. But instead I’m contemplating if I want to even be near him.

I finally finished up my work and emailed it off to our district manager. Another crazy week of work was finally over. A yawn escaped my mouth as I walked into the staff room to gather my mail. I paused – sure enough a ticket to the game was in there. I stuffed the ticket into my bag. I guess one game couldn’t hurt.

“Emma, there you are!”

Jennifer waved me over to the rest of the group. We walked into the arena and agreed to get some beers before the game began. My heart was thumping in my chest, just knowing Erik wasn’t that far from me sent me into a pool of anxiety. I began to chug back my beer as I ordered another one. There was no way I was going through with this shitstorm without booze.

The buzzer went indicating that warm up just finished. Twenty minutes before puck drop. Everyone wanted to get to our seats because we had no idea where they were. I stood behind every one, praying they were up high.

“Shit, we’re behind the sens bench.”

Fuck.

There was no way this was real. I swallowed a lump in my throat and walked down with them. Great, Erik is for sure going to see me. Also, I don’t fancy the idea of smelling hockey players for two hours. I should’ve just told everyone I felt sick and left, but my feet felt like bricks. I guess this is what I deserved. It was just happening sooner than I wanted.

“I guess this kinda sucks for you, eh?”

I looked over at my co-worker Dave and shrugged, “What do you mean?”

“You’re a leafs fan, right?”

“Yeah, this is true.” I replied. I thought he knew about Erik, “It’s free hockey, I can’t complain.”

Another buzzer went, meaning the Sens were coming out. The arena went dark, the crowd roared as red lights bounced off the ice. My eyes searched everywhere for him, there were no signs of him. He’s usually in the starting line up, not that I’ve been paying attention or anything …

“Emma, you’re being majorly creeped at right now.”

“What are you talking about?”

Jenn pointed to the sens bench and I found myself staring into the darkest eyes. Erik was staring at me with the most sympathetic look I’ve seen. He looked like a lost puppy and I couldn’t bring myself to look away from him. Before I had time to say I’m sorry, the anthems were done and Erik looked away from me. I could tell this was going to be a long night.

“If I knew any better, it’s as if you know Erik.” Jenn commented as the puck dropped.

I laughed as I watched him jump over the bench. “Not at all.”

The sens were playing a pretty good game against the jets. There was no hiding that. They were getting their chances, making solid passes and Craig Anderson was standing on his head. The crowd was getting really into it. I pulled out my phone to check the score of the leafs game and they were up 3-1 on the Oilers. I’d rather be in bed watching this game if you wanted my honest opinion.

The first period ended with the game still scoreless. The team left the ice to go to their dressing rooms for intermission. I took a deep breath as Erik left the ice, trying my best to avoid looking at him. I could feel his eyes on me, like a thousand burning suns. I felt beyond humiliated. I let him down without letting him explain. Someone needs to tattoo “idiot” on my forehead.

I looked down at my phone and decided to text him. I opened up his iMessage conversation, contemplating what to say to him. I wasn’t sure if I should spit out everything in one go, or say something simple to see if he would reply to me. But to my surprise, my phone buzzed first– it was Erik.

“I’m surprised to see you here.”

“I got a free ticket from work.”

“I don’t have long, so can we meet after the game?”

“Why do you want to see me? I totally blew you off.”

“I don’t think you meant to. Please?”

“I don’t know Erik …”

“Emma, you owe me this much.”

“Fine. Just let me know when and where.”

He never texted me back, I guess he must be getting ready to come back out. A huge weight fell off my chest as I slid down in my seat. Erik wasn’t totally mad me. Now I just had to sit through two more periods of hockey with a stupid grin on my face.

The game went into the third period without a goal. Fans were starting to groan, and so was I. This game was pretty fucking boring. With 3 minutes left in the game, the sens were on a powerplay and Erik was on the ice. Silently in my head I was hoping they would score. Marc Methot passed it back to Erik and he wound up for a powerful slapshot that went through the entire group of Edmonton players guarding the net. The red light flashed, the goal horn went off and the entire arena erupted. I stayed sitting in my seat as I clapped a bit. The boys came back to the bench and celebrated with their teammates. My eyes followed Erik as he skated to the bench and stopped right in front of me.

“That was for you.” He mouthed before skating away.

“Emma, are you sure you don’t know Erik?”

I sat there speechless. Did he really just do that?