Somebody That I Used to Know

Gerard surveyed the room once more, making sure the place wasn’t a bombshell before Madeline called over. He had invited her over with the intention of winning her back. His relationship with Lindsey, while good, had made him realise how much he truly loved Madeline. Lindsey was an amazing woman, who was smart, gorgeous and beyond talented at whatever she put her mind to. The sex had been phenomenal at first when it was still a novelty. However, after a couple of months Gerard began to see that while he genuinely adored Lindsey, she wasn’t Madeline. She didn’t mess with her hair when she was bored; she didn’t have an Irish accent that only appeared when she got over excited or angry. She didn’t have Madeline’s big blues eyes that always seemed to see through him and know what he was thinking. She didn’t have Madeline’s ability to make him feel better with just a simple touch or kiss. Lindsey didn’t feel like home. Their relationship had fizzled out naturally with no hard feelings on either side; they both acknowledged that the relationship was never serious. He didn’t love her the way he loved Madeline, and he was certain she didn’t love him. They got along and there was definitely a mutual attraction, but it didn’t go beyond that. Gerard didn’t regret it, though. Now he knew just how much Madeline meant to him, and he would spend the rest of his life making up for the hurt he had caused her. He had been anxious about how to approach her but he had been surprised by how quickly she agreed to come over. He had deliberately told Frank about the ending of his relationship with Lindsey, the guy couldn’t keep his mouth shut if his life depended on it, so he hoped the news would reach Madeline’s ears and that she would be more willing to meet with him. He knew that if she was willing to come over, she was willing to give him another chance. Maybe it was wrong for him to be so confident, but he couldn’t let himself think any other way. She was the love of his life, and a future without her in it didn’t seem possible.

He checked his watch and saw he still had close to half an hour before she was due to call. He decided to get himself a cup of coffee and relax. He knew getting worked up wouldn’t be of any benefit to him; he needed to have a clear head in order to express himself properly. He knew Madeline wouldn’t take him back just because he apologised. They needed to talk things out, and he was willing to do anything to prove that she was the most important person to him in the world. The sudden wrap on the door pulled him out of his musings. She was early, but he didn’t mind. In fact, he was eager to see her. The sooner they talked, the sooner his life could get back on track. He rushed to the door and opened it without checking who was on the other side. He was stunned to see Lindsey was standing on the other side. Her face was make up free, and it immediately struck him as odd. The smile that permanently graced her lips was gone, replaced by slightly pursed lips. He could feel it in his gut that something was wrong. It twisted at the sight of her, and he had a nagging feeling that whatever was upsetting her, had something to do with him. He was torn. He wanted to be a good friend and invite her in when she was obviously in need of a person to talk to, but she couldn’t have chosen a more inconvenient moment to pop by. Madeline would freak at the sight of Lindsey, which was the last thing he needed when he was trying to win her back. He knew it wasn't deliberate on Lindsey’s part though; it wasn’t in her nature.

“Linds…What’s up?” he asked, desperate to get rid of her as the selfish part of him took over.

“Hey. Is this a bad time? We really need to talk.”She sounded upset, and Gerard knew he’d be a heartless prick if he turned her away now but, he really couldn’t afford to mess things up with Madeline. He had screwed things up enough already.

“It’s not a good time Linds. It’s just Madeline is on her way over, she’s due in fifteen minutes…” he explained, cringing inwardly at his own words. He knew he was coming across as an asshole, but he had his priorities.

“Please? It’s kind of important Gerard. This will only take a couple of minutes.”

Something clicked in his mind and his heart sank at her words. Somehow, he knew then and there what she was about to tell him. Lindsey had plenty of friends she could talk to if she needed them, people who were closer to her than he was. Her pale face, slightly bloodshot eyes and clearly distressed appearance started to make sense. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew that she was on his doorstep pleading to talk to him for one reason only. He felt a cold sweat break over him and he was certain his face had paled. His hand that rested on the door twitched, desperate to shut the door in her face and avoid what was about to happen. There was no way it was possible. He had been careful. They had been careful. This was nothing but a bad dream. This couldn’t be real. His ability to talk had completely vanished. He could only nod at her and make room for her to walk inside. He didn’t need to tell her to sit down. He followed her into the sitting room and took a seat next to her on the couch.

“I think you already know why I’m here.” Lindsey spoke softly. She had seen Gerard’s reaction. She could see his brain working, fitting the pieces together. Without further encouragement, she pulled the white stick out from her pocket and handed it to him wordlessly. He took it with surprisingly still hands, his wide hazel eyes taking in the two blue lines that indicated a positive test. His stomach lurched at the sight.

“Are…are you sure?” he asked dumbly, as though the test itself wasn’t conclusive enough evidence. Lindsey couldn’t hold in the bark of angry laughter that escaped her.

“Would I be here otherwise?” she snapped, slightly angry at Gerard’s attitude. She wasn’t sure what she expected when she called over, but she had hoped he would at least be understanding about it. She hadn’t planned on telling him like this, she had been taking a walk to clear her head when she found herself walking in the direction of Gerard’s apartment.

He put the test down on the coffee table in front of them, suddenly unable to stand the sight of it. He needed to get it away from it.

“How? We were careful!”he spluttered out, panic overriding everything else.

“One of the condoms must of burst or something. I’m just as confused as you are. At least you’re not the one puking your guts up every morning!”

He finally looked at her and she felt bad for snapping at him. The news was dropped on him suddenly; she had had a couple of days to process the possibility before it was confirmed by the test. His expression matched the one she had when she saw the second blue line appear on the stick. He was paler than before, and she was worried that he might actually get sick. She could see his eyes were glazing over with tears. She was suddenly reminded of the fact that he was a year younger than her. While she had had a stable job for the last year, he had just finished college and had only got offered a paid job with cartoon network two weeks previously. He had other plans for his life. A kid certainly wasn’t part of them, at least not now and not with her. Their relationship was only meant to be a bit of fun, and now they were suddenly dealing with a not so fun consequence of their actions.

“What…what do you want to do?” he asked, not even ashamed of how shaky his voice was.

“I’m keeping it, Gerard. There’s no question about it, but I’m not going to force you to be involved, although if you want to, that would be great. We had fun, and it wasn’t supposed to be more than that, so I can’t expect anything from you. This wasn’t part of my plan, either, but it happened, and I’m going to deal with it. I don’t expect an answer from you now. Take the time you need to think about it. ”

Gerard felt a strange numbness wash over him. She was keeping the baby whether he wanted her to or not. Now the ball was in his court as to whether he wanted to play a role in the child’s life. He had never imagined that he would ever end up in this situation. Ten minutes ago his biggest problem was trying to win Madeline back. Now he was about to be a father. He opened his mouth to speak when he heard the front door open. His addled brain was confused for a moment until he remembered that Madeline was due to call. Madeline, who still had a key to the apartment and was now letting herself in. He stared at Lindsey with wide eyed panic, silently pleading with her not to say a word, not until he could process what was happening. She gave him a small smile, calming him down slightly. Madeline walked into the room, stopping abruptly at the sight of Lindsey. She didn’t even try to hide her glare at the two of them.

“I was just leaving” Lindsey spoke up before the situation got any more awkward. She was very much aware of the white stick left lying on the table and her heart was thumping widely as she tried to figure out if she could retrieve it before Madeline noticed. She tried to reach out for it subtly while Madeline was staring at Gerard with an angry expression,but Madeline was more observant than Lindsey gave her credit for. Before Lindsey could reach for it Madeline’s eyes landed on the test. Her face blanched and all traces of anger had left, replaced by the most heartbreaking expression Lindsey had ever seen. Gerard spotted her expression and quickly realised his mistake.

“Madeline, I can explain.” The words came out without any forethought but he was quickly silenced by Madeline’s dangerous glare. Her entire body was shaking and she was a white as Gerard. Gerard could see that she was trying to pull herself together. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he silently pleaded with her to stay and hear him out.

“There’s no need” Madeline whispered, her voice shaking and clearly distressed. “I can see I interrupted. I’ll let myself out. Congratulations, you guys. I wish you both the best.”

Gerard stood up, ready to chase after her, but the look Madeline threw him stalled him in his tracks. He had finally lost her and now he could only watch as she walked out, slamming the door behind her.

“You would still be with Madeline if it wasn’t for me.”

Bandit’s words were spoken softly, matching her saddened expression. Gerard shook his head.

“B, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. When your mother first told me she was pregnant, I’ll admit, I was fucking terrified. I wasn’t ready to be a dad, but nobody ever is, no matter what the circumstances. I didn’t marry your mother because she was pregnant with you. Her being pregnant brought us together, and your mother and I grew to love each other, and even though things didn’t work out, I don’t ever regret marrying her. We had a good marriage for the most part, and, most of all, I got you. I wouldn’t change that for the world. My life went down a different path than I expected, but that doesn’t mean it was a bad thing. Everything happens for a reason.”

Bandit was silent, taking in her father’s words before speaking again.

“Did you ever see her after that?”

“No” Gerard spoke sadly “She sent Frank and Jamia around to collect her stuff. I tried calling her but she changed her number and moved away from New York a couple of months later. I never heard about her after that. I thought I would see her at Frank’s wedding but she was a no show. I have no idea where is she now.”

“Maybe you should try getting in touch again.”

Gerard sighed and shook his head.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, B. I haven’t seen her in seventeen years. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t even know where to start. She could have moved back to Ireland, for all I know. She’s probably happily married, with a family of her own, and the last thing she would want is for me to show up.”

“Maybe, but wouldn’t it be nice to know for sure? Frank probably has her number, or an email address, or something; all you have to do is reach out. If she says no, at least you’d know you tried.”

Gerard laughed at Bandit’s enthusiasm.

“Why do you care so much? She’s a part of my past, B. Sometimes things are best left alone.”

“I dunno. I guess I just think it’s kinda sad that things ended the way they did. You were in love with her once, surely that’s worth at least trying to find out what happened to her, and see if she moved on, like you did.”

The words struck Gerard to his core. They were the earnest words of a teenager with good intentions, and Gerard wondered if she was right. Seventeen years had passed; seventeen years without him uttering the apology he knew he owed her. He had learned to push the thought of Madeline, and all the associated guilt and unresolved issues, out of his mind. Maybe now was the time to put the ghost to rest.