Somebody That I Used to Know

Gerard stared at the number for what felt like hours, debating, second guessing and triple guessing if it was the right thing to do. Ever since he had told Bandit about Madeline, he couldn’t get the thought of her out of his head. He had pushed Madeline out of his mind for so long, that now when he finally allowed himself to think about her it was invading every waking thought. He had dreamt about her every night, some of the dreams were memories of the good times they shared and others of how things could have been if he hadn’t pushed her away. They were the worst. He would wake up with convoluted feelings of pain, regret, guilt and longing for the life he had lost. He wasn’t stupid enough to think that things would have been perfect, but he would have been happier long term. He meant what he said to Bandit; he didn’t regret marrying Lindsey, and he had loved her. Lindsey was an amazing woman, and even in the midst of their divorce he would still easily admit it. There was no animosity between them in the slightest. His marriage had been far from miserable; they had just drifted apart now that Bandit was older and realised they wanted different things. Gerard had always wanted more children, something Lindsey had no interest in. She had a traumatic birth with Bandit, and while Gerard had understood her reluctance, he couldn’t deny that for him it had been the final nail in the coffin. He had hoped that with enough time and subtle encouragement she would change her mind, but once she had turned forty Gerard knew it was never going to happen. With Madeline, they had been on the same page about future plans and children. In hindsight, he wondered if he should have chased after Madeline that day and forced her to listen to him. Yes, things would have been hard trying to make a relationship work while raising a kid with someone else, but it wouldn’t have been impossible. He could have found a way to make it work if she hadn’t made the choice to walk out and cut him off like they had never happened. Underneath the pain and regret he also held a lot of anger. He had made a mistake, and instead of giving him a chance to make it right, she walked out without a backwards glance.

He took a deep breath and pressed the dial button. His hand shook a little in anticipation, which he rectified by clenching it as tightly as possible.

“Yo, Gee!What’s up?” Frank’s deep voice answered the phone within four rings.

“Hey, man!How are you?”

“I’m good, man.Same old, same old really. How’re you and Lindsey?”

Gerard paused. He hadn’t told Frank about the impending divorce. They talked once every couple of months, and in all the chaos of moving and sorting out a lawyer he had forgotten to keep Frank in the loop.

“Em, I’m good…Lindsey and I…we decided that things weren’t working out.”

“What? Jesus, man! I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?” Frank wasn’t even ashamed of his curiosity.

“We just drifted apart, I suppose. There wasn’t an argument or anything…I’ve got my own place now, actually. How’re Jamia and the kids?”

“They’re all good. Kids are in full blown teenage mode, so the house is a constant battle field.” he chuckled.

“I know the feeling, man” Gerard laughed.

“So, why are you really calling, man?”

Gerard stalled, biting his lip as he reconsidered whether he should bring it up. He was aware of how bad it would sound to ask him for a favour after not speaking to him for a couple of months.

“I…” Gerard sighed before deciding to bite the bullet. “Do you still keep in touch with Madeline?”

Gerard expected the stunned silence on the other end, and the tension was almost audible.

“Why are you asking?” Frank’s tone was cautious and wary.

“I was thinking about her the other day, and I thought that maybe if you were still in contact with her that …you could give me her number or something.”

“Gerard…I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“Frank, it’s been seventeen years, and I just…I just wanna know if she’s okay. The way we left things wasn’t right, and I need to know if she had moved on. I need her to know that I’m sorry.”

There was another long silence on the other end of the phone. Gerard started to doubt that Frank would cooperate. Was Madeline still angry after all those years?

“I don’t think Madeline would want me to give you her number, Gerard. It took her a long time to get over what happened, and I don’t think bringing up the past will do any good. It’d be best to just forget about it.”

“Don’t you think that’s for Madeline to decide?” Gerard pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to rein his temper in.

“I’ll dunno, man…You’re putting me in a really awkward position here ” Frank let out a deep, long suffering sigh.

“Please, Frank… At least let her know I was in touch. Give her my number and if she doesn’t want to talk then that’s fine, but let it be her decision.”

“Fine. I’ll see what I can do. Don’t get your hopes up, though, dude.”

“I appreciate it, man. I owe you one.”

“You bet your ass you do” Frank muttered darkly before hanging up.

***************************************************************

Gerard sat in the café, his hands shaking so badly that he refrained from holding the cup of scalding coffee sitting in front of him, certain that it would only end up spilling over his hands and clothes. He was due to meet Madeline in half an hour, and his heart was pounding painfully against his ribcage. She hadn’t called him like he had hoped; instead, she used Frank to pass on a message that she would be willing to meet up. It had taken a couple of back and forth phone calls with an irate, frustrated Frank playing messenger boy, but eventually a plan had fallen into place. They were meeting in a Starbucks; somewhere nice, and public with an easy escape route should things turn sour. He was surprised that she was obviously in the area, if only for a short period of time, and willing to meet with him in person. Meeting in a busy coffee shop was deliberate on her part; it was her way of ensuring that her temper was kept under control. She obviously still held a lot of anger, which Gerard braced himself for. He could only hope that she was willing to hear him out in return. His eyes were locked on the door since he arrived, eager to see her again, even if it filled him with an equal amount of dread. There was a possibility that he wouldn’t even recognise her; seventeen years was a long time, and it was possible she had changed physically. Her long raven locks could have been any colour now, or her body altered with age. Her mother had aged well, so he doubted that she would have shown the wear and tear of the years yet. Would she recognise him? His hair wasn’t black anymore, but more a medium brown colour. He had lost weight since he last saw her, due in part to running after a child for so many years and looking after himself better. There were so many possibilities and outcomes that it was hard for him to concentrate and plan what he should say or do. The realisation that he didn’t know Madeline anymore hit him hard; she was a stranger to him now, even though she had been such a fundamental part of his life for so long. He felt a little twinge of disappointment every time the door opened and revealed someone who was obviously not Madeline. His phone buzzed and lit up, drawing his attention to the screen. It was a short ‘good luck’ text from Bandit, who was beyond pleased at the situation at hand. She had squealed with delight when he told her after much pestering on her part. She had a ridiculous notion that somehow the situation would end like one of those romantic movies she loved. He smiled at her text, happy that he had her approval at least. His eyes flickered back to the entrance, and then did a double take at the woman who had just walked in.

She hadn’t changed much over the years. Her hair was still jet black, although it was now shoulder length and loose. She was thinner now too, all traces of puppy fat gone. The light pink jumper and skinny jeans she wore showed her physique off, and if he didn’t know that she was only six months younger than him, he would have sworn she was no older than twenty five. Her large blue eyes scanned the place, searching for him in the sea of people. He couldn’t help but be reminded of the first time he saw her. The expression she wore was identical to the look on her face that day. He felt like the same insecure, shy teenage boy as he sat there. His hand twitched the same way it had all those years ago, encouraging him to make his presence known, but her eyes landed on him before he had the chance. Their eyes met, and it suddenly felt like all the years had melted away. Maybe it was just nostalgic, wishful thinking on his part, but he swore he could still feel the connection between them, even after all the years apart. She broke the contact just as quickly as it happened and walked over to the counter. He didn’t stop watching her the entire time she waited for whatever it was she ordered. He tried to calm the nausea that fluttered in his stomach, but he was unsuccessful. She got a to go cup in her hands, and Gerard felt his heart drop a little that she really did plan for an emergency escape, and it did nothing to ease his nerves over how their meeting would turn out. The only thing that made him feel better was the sight of her shaking hands that clasped her cup tightly. She was just as anxious as him, so at least the playing field was level. The time it took for her to walk from the counter to the table seemed to last forever in his mind, but he knew it was only a matter of seconds. When she finally reached the table a wave of awkwardness hit them as she stood beside the empty chair, as though debating whether she should stay or not. With a shaky hand, she pulled the seat out while setting her cup down on the table. She shrugged her black bag off her shoulder and placed it underneath the table before sitting down. The silence remained, neither of them certain who should take the lead.

“Hi ” Gerard eventually ventured, cringing at how nervous he sounded.

“Hey” It struck him straight away that her accent had changed. The Irish twang that used to linger was gone, replaced with an unmistakable Boston accent. She had obviously remained in the states all these years.

The silence descended again, almost suffocating them with the with the tension that weighed them down.

“You look good, Madeline.” He meant it. The years had been kind to her. Her face remained as smooth and clear as it did in her early twenties, although he could just about make out the very faint beginnings of crow’s feet around her eyes. She blushed a little at his comment.

“So do you.” Her tone was rueful.

“How have you been?” he asked tentatively.

Her eyes narrowed, and he realised that it had been the wrong question to ask. He recognised the look on her face immediately. It was the one she used when she was holding back her anger, but underneath she was itching to yell.

“Don’t waste my time, Gerard. Why am I here?”

“I…I just wanted to see how you were, Madeline.”

She scoffed, a sadistic smile on her face as she met his uncertain glance with a steel gaze that made him want to cringe. The years obviously hadn’t abated her anger towards him in the slightest. Perhaps Frank had been right; maybe it wasn’t a good idea to reopen old wounds.

“You wanted to see how I’m doing? After seventeen years, I’m surprised you finally started to care. Why the sudden interest?”

“I didn’t come here to fight, Madeline.” Gerard sighed, holding back his frustration that things were already starting to go downhill within seconds.

His words had the desired effect. Madeline seemed to calm down slightly, her anger fading as her expression softened.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. You just… you can’t blame me for being a little surprised after all this time. Seventeen years is a long time, Gerard. I’m trying to figure out what the point of this is. Why now?”

“Because there are things I need to say, things I should have said a long time ago.”

“What makes you think I want to hear anything you have to say, Gerard? I’ve moved on, so have you.”

“You’re here, aren’t you?”

A smirk slowly tugged at her lips.

“Touché.” She chuckled and took a sip of her coffee. “You really do look good, Gerard. The brown hair suits you.”

Gerard laughed, running a hand over the short, brown locks.

“I thought I’d change it up a bit. It was B’s idea.”

A sad look flashed across her face, which she tried to cover up by taking another sip of her coffee. Gerard noticed her ring finger was bare, and it made his stomach twist uncomfortably. He had naturally assumed she would have gotten married and had children over the years, but the absence of a ring suddenly threw doubt on his assumption.

“So, how have you been all these years?” Madeline asked coolly, her expression more relaxed.

“I’ve been good. I stayed with Cartoon Network for a while before working with Dark Horse here in LA. I got one of my comics published after a couple of years, and now I get to write comics for a living.”

Madeline smiled her first genuine smile.

“I’m happy to hear that. I always knew you’d make it.”

“What about you?”

“I went back to Jersey for a while after I left New York. I worked for a local paper for a couple of years, built my portfolio up. I got offered a job with a New York paper, so I was there for about twelve years. Last summer I decided I wanted to get out of journalism, try something different, so I went back and did a Masters in Education. I’ve been lecturing in a university for the last two years, hence my move to L.A.”

“Wow. That sounds great.”

“It has its moments.Grading is a pain in the ass, but otherwise I really enjoy it.”

“Did you…I mean, are you-“ he began awkwardly, rubbing his neck anxiously.

“Married with kids?” she laughed bitterly. “I’m afraid not.”

Gerard winced at the bitterness in her voice. The Madeline he knew wanted nothing more than to be a mother. Whenever they had talked about the future, she had been adamant about having at least three children, just like in her own family. It pained Gerard that she had never achieved that, because of his actions.

“Don’t.” she snapped angrily “Don’t give me that look. I don’t want sympathy, Gerard. I could have had them, if I wanted. I had relationships, but I made the choice to not go down that path. Don’t flatter yourself into thinking you ruined my life. You probably did me a favour, actually. I had a great career, and I love what I’m doing now. My life is good, Gerard. I should probably thank you, actually. I’m happy with my life, and you’re happy with Lindsey. Things worked out well for both of us.”

“Lindsey and I are divorcing, actually.”

Madeline couldn’t hide her triumphant smile quick enough, and her eyes gleamed in delight for a split second. Gerard wouldn’t have even noticed it if he hadn’t been watching her so closely. She quickly returned her expression to a something a little more neutral.

“I’m sorry to hear that. It must be tough.” He could hear some genuine remorse in her voice.

“We just grew apart. It happens, I suppose. Our main focus is Bandit and making sure she’s happy. She’s taking it well.”

“That’s good.”

Silence settled between them once again. Madeline started to fidget with her cup, avoiding Gerard’s gaze.

“Madeline” he spoke softly, gaining her attention again

She stopped tearing the paper of her cup and met his gaze again. She suddenly looked vulnerable, and Gerard knew that now was his chance to finally say what he should have told her all those years ago.

“I’m sorry for… everything. I loved you, I know it doesn’t change things, and I can’t take back what happened, but for what it’s worth I truly am sorry.”

“You’re right, it doesn’t change anything. You broke my heart, destroyed my self confidence and all the plans I had for the future, and now you call me out of the blue after all these years, for what exactly? For forgiveness? Screw you, Gerard. You’re seventeen years too late.”

Gerard couldn’t help the lick of anger he felt at her words.

“You walked out on me, Madeline. You never let me explain my side of the story. You got Frank and Jamia to collect your stuff and changed your number and moved away so that I couldn’t contact you. I made a mistake, yes, but when I needed you, you walked away from me without a second glance.”

“You didn’t come after me.” The accusation was clear in her voice, stunning Gerard.

“What?”

“When I walked away…you didn’t try to make me stay. I loved you so much, Gerard.Fuck it, I still do, even after all this time. All I wanted was for you to tell me that you loved me, that you wanted me, but you didn’t. You let me go, Gerard.”

The tears welled up in her eyes, and she quickly wiped the ones that began to fall down her cheeks. Gerard swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I didn’t think you wanted me to.”

Madeline grabbed her bag and stood up abruptly, startling Gerard.

“You always chase after the girl when she walks away, Gerard. Always.”

Shock kept him rooted in his chair and unaware of the stares currently focused on him. She walked out of the shop without a backward glance, and Gerard felt his heart shatter.

“Are you stupid, dude? Go after her!”

Gerard turned to his right, where he saw a girl not much older than Bandit staring at him as though he had two heads.

“Yes, I was listening to your conversation. She still loves you, you dumbass. Go after her!”

The words were all he needed. He sprung out of his seat and was out the door within seconds praying that he wasn’t too late.