You're Already the Voice Inside My Head

I don’t tell Jack about us falling in love; I don’t want to scare him. I know I’m gay but I don’t know about him, I can’t afford to make things awkward between us.
Fucking school, I’ve got bigger problems that knowing the side of a triangle.
“School? Alex that’s it high school!”
You say that like it’s a good thing.
“Alex I was in high school”
You’ve mentioned that before, why does it matter now?
“Don’t schools keep records of their students?”
Yes...Yes they do, but how will I know which school to look at?
“How many schools are in Baltimore?”
I don’t know, over 200 I think.
“Shit”
That’s a lot of ugly year book photos for me to look through
“You’re really going to look through all of them?”
Yep well I can’t have you dying on me can I?
“Is that what happens if you don’t find me in time?”
I don’t know Jack, but let’s not worry about that because I will find you.
Later in the day I go to the school library and get out some old school yearbooks, I get out a few different ones from nearby schools all from 2005. I sit at the back of the library and start scanning the books for Jack, I figure if he can remember his last name too.
Jack Abbott, Jack Anderson, Jack Allen.
“Nope not ringing any bells”
Dammit, why do you have to have such a common name?
“Blame my parents”
Jack Banes, Jack Beck, Jack Brightwell. Do you remember your parents at all?
“Nope none of those, not really I can remember something to do with hospitals maybe one of them is a Doctor? I’m not sure”
Jack Carllie, Jack Chalmers, Jack Chapman. What about anything else about your family?
“None of them either... I have siblings, older ones”
Jack Dodd, Jack Davis. So you’re a big family?
“Nope, yeah it was nosey. Are you an only child Alex? You’ve never spoken of other sibling.
I am kind of, it’s complicated.
“How is it complicated?”
I don’t want to talk about it.
“Alex, are you alright?”
I said I don’t want to talk about it.
“Alex...”
Got to go, bell’s just rung. The ball hasn’t rung but I don’t want to talk about that yet, it’s too complicated, too hard and I have enough on my plate without going into my family life.
I don’t speak to Jack again for the rest of the day, I hope I haven’t upset him I don’t mean to. I walk through the front door balancing an armful of different school yearbooks in my arms.
“Alex honey how was your day?” Mum’s now keeping an extra close eye on me after the weekend; I keep telling her I’m fine.
“Fine, just fine” I say.
“What are all those books for?” She nods to books I’m struggling to hold.
“History project, looking at schools through the years” I lie; I know they’re all from the same year but she doesn’t have to know.
“You need any help?”
“I’m good thanks mum, really”
“Okay Alex” She kisses me on the forehead and walks back towards the living room, I sigh with relief and go up to my room.
Jack Evens, Jack Elliot?
“Alex you’re back? No they don’t ring any bells”
Yeah, Yeah I’m back. I’m sorry about earlier.
“Its fine, I shouldn’t have asked”
Really Jack its okay. Now one yearbook down a fucking lot more to go
I feel like I’ve read every day under the sun, and I’ve only done six books! My eyes are beginning to hurt and it’s still nagging at me for what I did to Jack, I shouldn’t have snapped at him all he did was ask a harmless question.
Jack I feel bad about earlier, I’m sorry for snapping at you.
“No need to say sorry ‘Lex”
It’s just I’m asking you all these questions and you don’t know anything about me, and I can remember.
“That’s okay”
No it’s not, you deserve to know... It’s just I don’t want you to treat me like everyone else does.
“Okay Alex I promise you whatever you say I’ll never change the way I care about you”
Thank you. You see the thing is I am an only child, my parents have only me but my dad was married before he met my mum so he already had three children. Two girls and a boy, the girls are both a lot older than me but the boy was only seven when I was born so we kind of grew up together until I was twelve at least... Tom died when I was twelve and he was twenty.
“Oh Alex I’m sorry”
Me too, everyone now treats me like I’m some piece of glass that can’t be touched in case I break. I don’t realise I’m crying until a tear lands on the book in front of me.
“’Lex you’re stronger than that”
I know, I’m sorry breaking down on you here. I’ve never had anyone like you in my life before, who I can trust.
“I’m not going anywhere”
Well I better get a move on with these books then. I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand and pick up the next book in front of me. Dulaney High School, Jack Ackles, Jack Ashton, Jack Andrews
“That school name sounds familiar, but the names don’t”
You know this school?
“Yeah”
There aren’t many Jack’s with last names that start with A, lots with B though... Brown, Browning, Benson, Bentley, Backarat.
“Barakat”
What?
“You say it Barakat”
How do you know that?
“Because that’s my name, Jack Barakat” I look at the picture at picture above the name, looking at the face that goes with the voice in my head. He’s so skinny, much skinnier than me with longish almost black hair with blonde streaks, deep brown eyes and a really cute cheeky smile.
Your hair looks like a skunk.
“Hey don’t d’iss the hair!” I laugh, I find myself smiling at the picture of Jack he is rather cute for the voice inside my head at least.