Love Just Is

“You know you’ve been totally awol lately,” Sophie told me as we walked around the mall.

I knew she was right, I had been awol lately, and I hadn’t meant to be because I mean Sophie was my best friend, but my mind had just been in such a haze the last few months really that it was hard to keep up with everything sometimes. “I know, and I’m sorry. It’s just that ever since Harry came into my life things have been so different. And I know that sounds stupid, but I don’t know how else to explain it.” I told her knowing that today I was finally going to tell her everything. Which I probably should’ve already told her a lot of things, but I blame finals on why I hadn’t. Because a lot had happened right around finals time, and no one was in their right mind when they were thinking about finals.

“If you’re really sorry then you’ll spill. Because I know you Maddie, and I know you’ve been keeping things from me. But I didn’t want to say anything because I figured you’d tell me when you were ready I think now is a good time, though.”

I don’t think I could’ve agreed more. “let’s get a slush first. Then I promise I’ll tell you everything.”

And one blue raspberry slush later and we were sitting at a little table away from the food court, but still close enough you could smell some of the food, with me spilling my guts.

I told her everything. Which was basically that I’d been sleeping with Harry for a good couple of months, and that we got along so well. Sure there were things that we didn’t have in common but they hadn’t caused any problems. And I hadn’t even realized that I’d talked about Harry and my feelings for well over an hour until the alarm on my phone was going off.

“I guess we should head back then?” She asked because I’d set the alarm the day before to remind myself when I needed to head home so I could be there to watch this thing with my mum. And I knew it was kind of silly, but I mean Sophie and I could spend a day on campus catching up. Hell Sophie and I could spend a whole day off campus shopping at the mall not far from the school if we wanted. I didn’t get to see my mum as much anymore though and I really missed getting to watch our romcoms together. Because honestly it wasn’t the same when we watched them while we were on the phone.

“I guess so,” I said picking up my bags getting ready to head back. “Do you think I should tell him?” I asked her suddenly wondering if I should. I mean I didn’t know how Harry felt because he hadn’t told me. I hadn’t really asked, though. And it could be one of those things that he just sprung on me like he did with being his girlfriend, or it could be I felt something and he didn’t. I didn’t know, though. I’d never been in love before really, so I didn’t know what to do. And well as amazing as it would’ve been my life wasn’t a romantic comedy with a happy ending in site. So I really didn’t know what to do.

“Honestly, I think you should. I mean the worst that can happen is he doesn’t feel the same way. Which I know would suck but at least then you’d know. And if he doesn’t love you back then you can work on picking up the pieces and moving on sooner rather than later. And if he does feel the same then there ya go. The thing is you won’t know until you tell him. Though I would wait until we go back to school. Just in case.” She told me.
And it made sense to wait until we were back at school. I mean if I told him how I felt before we went back and he didn’t feel the same, well that would be more awkward than I think I could handle. So it was decided that I’d wait.

Which I didn’t have to wait long because we were loading up my car to head back to school a couple days later.

“Bye Harry, it was really nice to meet you.” My parents told him before him.

“It was nice to meet you both as well,” He replied smiling while he finished packing our stuff into my car so I could tell everyone goodbye.

As usual there were some tears from my mum, which always happened. The women got so emotional every time I left home for school, and I mean I was only like three and a half hours away well on a good day when there wasn’t any traffic anyways. And I was always home for holidays. Plus I made sure to video chat everyone on their birthday if I couldn’t make it back for the celebration. And I know I sound like I hated it, but I didn’t. Well I did think it was a bit dramatic, but that’s just how my mother was and I loved her.

My dad just told us to drive safe, kissed my head, and slipped a fifty into my hand. Which I knew he’d do that, even though he knew that I hated it. I always felt bad asking my parents for money which was why I didn’t live in an expensive flat near campus, or buy my books new. It wasn’t that I didn’t have ways to get the money for it all, it was a matter of I didn’t want to ask my parents to pay for it. I wanted to do things on my own and I guess to prove that I could be an adult about things. Which sucked, but it was still something I wanted to do.

Then there was my brother. I knew he loved me, and I loved him. It was just kind of one of those things that you know. Kind of like how I missed him sometimes while I was at school but wouldn’t admit it. I was pretty sure he missed me too, he just wouldn’t tell me. It’s just how things worked with us. It’s how things had always worked with us. He did hug me, though.

“I’ll see you guys soon, though. I mean we only have a couple months left until summer. And I’ll be home for awhile then.” I told them before finally getting in the car and heading back to school.

---

We dropped Sophie off at her flat first, then I drove Harry to his flat and helped him unpack. And it might not have been the best time to tell him, but I didn’t know that if I could hold all my feelings in any longer. So once we’d unpacked all his things, and he’d made it clear that he was the first one of his friends back to school I decided to come out and say it. Only I wasn’t sure how to say it.

“What’s on your mind Mads?” I heard him ask, probably because I’d just tucked and untucked the same piece of hair behind my ear a good four times.

“Can I tell you something?” I asked him finally biting my lip and moving my hands in front of me to pop my knuckles so they’d be doing something.

“Of course,”

I let out a breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding, and finally just said it. “I love you.”

That was when everything came crashing down around me.

I don’t even know how long it was before he actually replied, but I do know that it wasn’t how I’d expected things to go. And maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to get upset because I mean everyone falls in love at different paces. But I guess I’d just expected that Harry would’ve felt it too, or something. He didn’t though.

I saw him open his mouth to say something, and it was one of those moments when my mind made me hear something totally wrong, which made me do a double take really.

“Wait, what?” I asked once I realized that I’d heard him wrong.

“Maddie, I thought we were just having fun.”

That’s what hurt the most really.

“Oh, well I mean yeah the last few months have been fun and all I just thought that maybe. Actually I don’t know what I thought.” I said barely holding myself together.

He tried to reach out and probably try and hug me, but I backed away before he could. The last thing I wanted right now was to be weak. Which I knew that Harry could make me weak. And I already felt bad enough, if I slept with him right now I’d feel worse than I already did.

“I’m gonna go.” I finally said biting my lip and heading towards the door.

“Hey, at least let me drive you back to your flat,” He said following me.

I shook my head. “No, it’ll be okay. It’s like five minutes from here.” I told him before I headed out the door to my car. And I did everything I could to hold myself together until I got back to my flat.

I didn’t unpack my car, I didn’t even shut the door to my flat all the way behind me. Once I made it to where I lived I made a beeline for my couch. And I didn’t even land on the couch before I was crying. Hell, I didn’t even make it to the door before I was crying.

Really the last thing I ever remember from that day is being cooed by Sophie while she rubbed my head while I cried into her shoulder. Pretty sure I ended up crying myself to sleep like that, and I guess she just let me. Though I think she might’ve moved me some, because when I woke up the next day my head was in her lap.

And I was glad I had a best friend like her. Because even though I was heartbroken and confused, at least I had someone to help me put myself back together. When I was ready of course.