I'll Be the Ship That Carries You Away

Kellin has had his fair share of crappy relationships. Well, more than his fair share really, he’d had enough for everyone. At age twenty four, Kellin had been consumed by a total of three abusive relationships. Disgustingly, it became a normal thing for him. His instincts morphed into ones that would fit around these men. He learned to cower at a raised hand or loud voice, to apologize for everything he did, even if it wasn’t wrong, but most of all he learned to never trust anyone. Not even himself.

He was just sixteen when Mark first asked him out. Of course he said yes, why wouldn’t he? Mark was funny, smart, caring and cute. He had all the qualities a good boyfriend should have. At least on the surface, Mark was made for Kellin. They slipped into a state that wasn’t quite love but could be one day fairly easily. Being the hormonal teenagers they were, they said their ‘I love you’s’ early on in the relationship. Everything was perfect. Until Mark decided Kellin seemed to associate with a boy named Austin too much for his liking. Kellin can still remember this clearly; the first hit. It’s like the memory is engrained on his brain, occasionally forcing Kellin to relive it again and again.

They had been leaving a party, one that Mark had drunk a little too much at. They stumbled out of the house, Kellin supporting Mark’s weight. They had walked to the party, as it was only a few streets down from where Kellin lived. Kellin reached down, attempting to intertwine his fingers with Mark’s. Quickly, Mark snatched his hand away, turning to glare at Kellin.

“Don’t touch me!” he shouted, stumbling slightly away from Kellin. Kellin frowned, surely Mark wasn’t mad at him.

“Why? What’s wrong, babe?” Kellin asked, stepping closer to Mark.

“What’s wrong? You’re a fucking whore, that’s what’s wrong!” Mark shouted, getting closer to Kellin’s face. Kellin’s cheeks burned red, embarrassed that someone even thought of him this way. There had never been any reason to; Kellin had only ever dated Mark. He didn’t flirt with anyway, nor did he ever make perverted jokes. Hell, he was still a virgin. How on earth could he be classified as a whore?

“What are you talking about Mark?” he asked quietly, trying not to show how hurt he was. mark just sneered at him, stepping closer.

“I saw you, flirting with Austin all night. Don’t even try to lie about it,” Mark seethed. Kellin just frowned, thrown off. Austin was his straight best friend. Even if Kellin were to flirt with him, it’s not like he would accomplish anything.

“I didn’t flirt with Austin, Mark. That’s just stupid,” Kellin muttered, half hoping he hadn’t heard the last part. Mark’s face went red, anger pulsing through him.

“Don’t call me stupid, you fucking slut!” Mark yelled. This was the moment, the moment Mark would do something that would change Kellin forever. He can remember the still night air, the warmth it seemed to bring. The way the moon was shining, giving off just enough light for him to see his boyfriend. He remembers seeing that hand fly up, the one he thought would never hit him. And he remembers the smack that landed across his cheek. The one that left a bruise on his face that he would have to come up with a story for later. The blows that came after the initial are faint in his memory, they all seem to blur together.

He also remembers Mark coming over to his house the next day with flowers. He remembers how Mark kissed his cheek, how he apologized for every single mark he left on Kellin. Reluctantly, he forgave Mark. After all, they were in love, it would never happen again. Right? For another year Mark would hit Kellin at the slightest thing, only leaving when he found that Kellin was too boring.

His second abusive relationship happened when he was nineteen. This boy promised that no one would ever love Kellin, besides him. No one would ever want him in anyway. And Kellin believed him, what else was he supposed to think? He must be if he managed to make both of his only boyfriends lead to violence. So he didn’t leave, not until a friend came over one day and physically forced him too. Again, he thought he loved his attacker. Again and again he would forgive him. Again and again he would wake up with bruises, sore all over his body.

The third boy, James, had different tactics for keeping Kellin around. He didn’t claim to love Kellin, nor did he make Kellin believe no one else would love him. He simply told Kellin that if he tried to leave, he would kill anyone Kellin ever loved. He backed up this threat with a cruel violence that Kellin had never known. The other boys would only hit Kellin when they needed to get their frustrations out or when things seemed to go wrong. But James seemed to enjoy what he did to Kellin. Never once did he apologize for what he did; he never expressed any sort of remorse. He relished in the screams he could get out of Kellin, found evil happiness in the scars he left behind. So Kellin stayed, if it meant keeping everyone he loved safe he would endure the torture. Honestly, he doesn’t even remember how he got mixed up with James. All he can remember is being stuck in constant pain for a little over a year. Again, his friend Justin forced him out of the home, promising that James wouldn’t be able to hurt him.

Kellin was twenty-two when he met Vic. He didn’t mean to fall in love with him, for a while he couldn’t even make eye contact with him. Kellin had long since sworn off the idea of any kind of relationship. Obviously there was something wrong with him, something about him just attracted that kind of behavior from men. So he decided it wasn’t worth it. Love didn’t exist; it was simply haze of weirdness between two people before one of them showed their true colors. Of course Kellin didn’t know that he’d never been in love before. Nor did he know what it felt like to be loved. He didn’t know that one could have perfectly normal relationship where no one got hurt. One with hugs and kisses and late night talks. All he’d known was that of bashes and burns and half hearted apologies that were eight letters too late. He didn’t know someone could say “I love you” and actually mean it.

But all of that would change when he was introduced to a certain brown eyed boy.

It seemed Kellin’s relationships circled back to Austin, one of the few friends he had managed to keep from high school. He was the topic of the conflict that changed Kellin’s life and he was the one to introduce him to the man that would save it.

He had surprised Kellin that day; obviously if Austin had told him he was going to meet someone new he wouldn’t have come. He could barely hang out with people now. With a whopping total of three male friends and two female friends, Kellin wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. So as Kellin made his way into Austin’s home he did not expect to be met by a shocked man that was most definitely not Austin Carlile. Kellin had entered the home without knocking, it was basically his second home. Kellin and Austin had been friends since they were six when Austin had come to Kellin’s defence after another little boy pushed him over. After almost twenty years of being friends, knocking just seemed pointless. He ran into Vic in the family room of the home, while Austin was in the bathroom. Quickly after seeing him he lowered his head, feeling the sudden urge to run. Vic’s eyes simply widened, not sure how to react to this strange man.

“Who are you and why are you in my friend’s house?” he asked quickly, standing up but making no move to approach Kellin. In his teen years, he might have responded with something along the lines of I could ask you the same thing. But now he simply shrugged and tried his hardest to stop the shaking in his arm. For what felt like forever, but was more like thirty seconds, Vic just stared at Kellin.

“Hey! Kellin’s here!” Austin said as he entered the room, staring at the two ahead of him. He didn’t say it loudly, he knew better than to do that to Kellin, but it was still enough to make the pale boy jump out of his skin. As soon as he realized it was Austin though, he looked up with pleading eyes, basically running to the tall boys side. Austin had grown used to this by now and gladly let his friend sink into his side. Vic looked at them questioningly, he’d never seen Austin so...caring around another person.

“Vic this is Kellin,” Austin says, nodding his head toward Kellin, “And Kellin this is Vic.”

“Hi Kellin,” Vic says timidly, waving his hand. It was useless, Kellin still wouldn’t look at him. Vic began to wonder if he did something wrong, had he scared Kellin?

“Hi Vic,” Kellin mumbled, though no one could fully hear it.Austin sighed and leaned over to whisper in Kellin’s ear.

“He’s good, trust me,” and Kellin wanted nothing more than to trust him. He wanted to be able to meet new people and have this kind of blind trust that they wouldn’t hurt him. But his brain negated any thought of talking to this man. Eventually the man would turn on him, everyone turns on him in the end. So Kellin just nods his head and allows Austin to drag him to the couch where Vic now sits. Kellin seats himself in the corner, nearly disappearing in the fabric.

“So is this the Kellin you’re always telling me about?” Vic asks, trying to flatten out the awkward silence. Kellin, finally, snaps his head up to look at this man. He incredibly uncomfortable with them talking about him while he’s not there, even if what they’re saying is good. Vic immediately gasps, reminding Kellin he’s not supposed to be looking at anyone new. He assumes Vic reacted this way because of the scar. The one he hated the most. A thick white line that made it’s way from the end of his right eyebrow to the tip of his cheekbone, courtesy of James. He couldn’t even look at himself without being disgusted. Everyone noticed it. “You’re eyes...they’re so...” Kellin waits for it. For Vic to finish that sentence with a nice gross, weird, what’s wrong with them?

“Beautiful,” Vic says quietly, as if clarifying with himself. “Beautiful,” he says louder this time, more confident. Kellin’s stomach does a weird swirl, one that’s not bad but definitely not great. It just feels...weird. He fights the urge to look up, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. Instead of dealing with it, he stands and basically runs to the bathroom. For a while he just stares at his own reflection, his eyes fixated on the ugly scar. He hates that it’s there, hates that he let that happen. Quietly he makes his way out of the bathroom, stopping just before entering the room. He knows he shouldn’t eavesdrop on the conversation, but it’s much easier to listen to the conversation than to participate in it.

“I don’t know Aus.”

“Trust me Vic, you guys will be good for each other. It’ll take him a while to warm up to you, but it will be worth it. Just try okay?”

“Okay, I guess.” And he did try. For the next six months Vic tried his hardest to make Kellin feel comfortable around him, and it worked. Kellin rarely had any fear around him anymore, he tended to hang out with Vic more than anyone else. They had developed a routine of weekday movie nights and library hangouts; they both liked learning about new places. Neither of them knocked before entering the others home, just walked in and made themselves comfortable. Kellin had begun to feel a warm twisting feeling in his stomach whenever he was around Vic. In the back of his mind he knew it was because he felt something more for the boy, but he would never act on it. As much as he loved and trusted Vic as a friend, he was still scared. For all he knew this was all an act to trap Kellin just like with the other boys. But Vic was willing to take things as slow as he needed to to win Kellin over.

It was a Tuesday night, Vic and Kellin were snuggled on Vic’s couch watching Silver Linings Playbook. Vic hadn’t really been paying attention, in truth he had been stealing glances at Kellin. Finally he convinced himself to turn, staring at Kellin.

“What?” Kellin asks, almost immediately taking notice.

“I want to kiss you,” Vic says. For some reason the notification just felt right, like he needed to do it. Surprisingly, Kellin did not feel himself tense at the words. Instead his heart began to pick up, in the good way. He leaned his head forward just enough for Vic to get the hint. Vic slowly, very slowly, leans his head forward until their lips meet. They move in synch, honestly the best kiss Kellin had ever had. He was finally comfortable with what was happening in his life. When he feels Vic’s tongue trace his bottom lip, he pulls away gasping. Immediately his eyes widen as he begins to apologize.

“I, I’m sorr-, I just, I-”

“Shh, it’s okay. We’ll go at whatever pace you need,” Vic whispers, stroking Kellin’s cheek, “But I would like to take you to dinner on Friday, if you’re comfortable with that.”

“Yeah. I’d like that,” Kellin whispers, smiling and leaning into Vic’s touch. It was only the start of something great.

By the time Kellin had turned twenty four, Vic had fallen completely in love with him. They lived together at this point, which Kellin was reluctant to at first. He was afraid Vic would get annoyed of his constant presence and just...snap. But Vic had assured him that that would never happen, and truthfully the only time he felt safe was with Vic. Living with him was great, it was honestly the best thing that had ever happened to Kellin. The only problem was, well Vic wanted to take their relationship a little further. They hadn’t actually said I love you yet, which is strange considering they lived together. But that only happened so early because Kellin had been evicted from his apartment and didn’t have anywhere to go. Vic couldn’t imagine a better place than to be with him.

For a while now, Vic had desperately wanted to tell Kellin that he loved him, it was eating away at him everyday he didn’t say it. The only problem is he wasn’t sure how to do it. He knows that if he were to just surprise Kellin with it, Kellin would get scared. He would end up saying it back regardless of if that’s what he actually felt. The more he thought about it, the more a certain idea popped into his head. It was unconventional and a little bit goofy. But he couldn’t think of a better way to tell Kellin that would allow the small boy to think things through on his own time.

That is how Vic found himself standing in line at a Walmart on a Friday night to buy a single item. As soon as he put it on the conveyer belt he regretted not just going through the self checkout line. The woman picked it up before looking around, probably wondering where Vic’s girlfriend was. When it became apparent that no girl was coming to Vic’s side she frowned and scanned the item.

“That’ll be 6.97,” she said, watching as Vic swiped his card. He still couldn’t believe it had cost this much, it just looked like a pencil. It wasn’t long or spectacular. And it wasn’t even the most expensive one! How the make up companies convinced girls they needed to pay that much for it was beyond him. “So, this is for you then?”

“Uh...” Vic mumbles shuffling from one foot to the other. Deciding it would take too long to explain what he was doing, he just shrugged. “Yeah, I’ve got a crazy night ahead of me.” The woman’s eyes just widened as she nodded, handing him the bag. Vic couldn’t help but chuckle to himself as he walked away; some people were just so ridiculous.

That night Vic had been jittery, which of course made Kellin jittery. Vic was his rock, the only thing that calmed him down. So if Vic was nervous, Kellin was too. Though Vic made sure that by the time they went to sleep both were very calm; he needed Kellin to be in a deep sleep. Kellin had definitely improved at this since he moved in with Vic. Before he would wake up the sound of a door softly closing or someone setting a cup down on the counter a little too hard. What he did shouldn’t even be considered sleeping, it was just lying down with closed eyes. But, with the amount of trust he put into Vic, now he was the deepest sleeper you’d ever meet. His body actually let him relax while he slept and sometimes it was hard for Vic to even get him up in the morning. He was slipping back into old, old, habits and truthfully he was thankful. Sleeping next to Vic was the most peaceful thing he could ever do. And this is what ensured that Vic’s plan would work out.

On Saturday morning, Vic woke up bright and early for work, making sure to turn his alarm off before it could wake up Kellin. Usually they both have the weekends off, which they spent doing random shenanigans together. But Vic’s boss had called him in, claiming they were understaffed for the day and Vic would get paid double. Quietly he crept out of the bed and made his way to the bathroom, looking for the hidden pack of eye liner. Quickly he dressed himself for work, making sure not to wake Kellin. Now he only had one thing left to do.

As he made his way over to the bed he uncapped the eyeliner. When he reaches Kellin’s side of the bed, he begins to lightly trace the pencil along Kellin’s face. After he decides there is enough black on Kellin’s face he smiles, before pecking Kellin’s lips and walking out the door. He spends the rest of the day scared to death that maybe Kellin will be gone when he gets home.

When Kellin wakes up he groans, feeling the bed out before remembering Vic had to work that day. He reached up to itch his eyes, confused to see black smudge on the side of his knuckle when he pulls away. Quickly he makes his way to the bathroom, before staring wide eyed at what he sees. Dark black letters contrast with the paleness of Kellin’s face, as his morning-brain tries to distinguish what is going on. Written plainly across his forehead in small letters is the sentence Vic loves Kellin. On the outside corner of both his eyes are tiny hearts drawn on with whatever it is Vic used. Written in big letters on both of his cheeks is I love you, Kellin. And along that stupid scar, the one Kellin hates looking at is the word LOVE. As if Vic were trying to make sure Kellin only saw good things when he looked in the mirror that morning. Kellin can feel his heart begin to pick up, but not in a bad way; it’s fluttering and free. He doesn’t have to panic, because no one is expecting an answer from him right now. Vic has not only given him his love, but the entire day to figure out what Kellin wants to do with it. He spends most of it attempting to watch tv, but is completely disinterested in it. Instead, he thinks of a variety of ways to tell Vic he loves him too, or if he should even say it at all. Kellin paces the apartment for an hour before Vic gets home. He had planned a whole speech in his head, a beautiful way to express his love for Vic. But as soon as he sees Vic and those worried brown eyes, all of his thoughts are flung out the window. Immediately he throws himself at him, wrapping his legs around Vic’s waist causing him to stumble a bit. He holds Vic’s face in his hands as he kisses him hard. When he pulls back he rests their foreheads together, lighting rubbing their noses against each other.

“I love you too.”

Although being with Vic definitely helped Kellin, nothing and no one had ever been able to calm him down so much. He was able to sleep at night, he was comfortable being by himself, and on the rare occasion that Vic did sneak up on him, usually just to snake his arms around Kellin’s waist, he didn’t tense. For once in his life Kellin felt safe, comfortable with who he was and the life he had. For the most part Kellin had no problem sleeping the night through, snuggled in Vic’s arms. But he still had his nights. The ones where he wakes up in the middle of the night in a panic. He knows, he knows, that Vic would never hurt him. But he just gets...scared. The nights when there is no moon to shine through their window, reminding him that he is free.

It’s nights like tonight that send him into a sort of frenzy, one that only Vic is able to calm him from. At 4:23 am Kellin wakes up sweating and panicking. There’s a new moon, so the room is pitch black. He can’t see where he is, or where the lamp is. For a split second he can’t remember who is laying next to him, holding him. And it scares the hell out of him. He can’t breathe and the protective arm that is wrapped around his waist feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. He can feel a scream trapped in his throat, one that burns and struggles to find it’s way out. What if it was all a dream? What if he was trapped again? What if thy hurt him? What if-

“Kellin?” Vic whispers. He’s not sure if Kellin is actually awake, but he can feel him shaking in his side. Kellin feels a slight sense of relief but with Vic’s arms still around him he still feels panicked, suffocated.

“Vvv-” Kellin tries, but the sounds simply won’t come out of him. H can feel tears begin to pool on his eyes, one slowly sliding down his face and onto Vic’s chest. “Vvvi-” Kellin cuts himself off with a small cry, hoping Vic will get the point.

“Shit Kell,” Vic says, quickly removing his arm from Kellin. Kellin scoots as far from Vic as he can, trying to breathe.

“Vvic I, I can’t see, I can’t see and I can’t breathe,” Kellin whimpers, beginning to hyperventilate. “Hhhelp.” Vic doesn’t hesitate to fumble with the lamp on his bedside table, turning it on. Kellin lets out a sigh and light floods the room. He looks around, reminding himself that this is his home. Home. He is not trapped here, he is here by his own choice. Then he looks at Vic, who is quietly watching him. Silently, he scoots just a little closer to him. Vic reached his hand out to wipe the tears off of Kellin’s face, he doesn’t get mad when Kellin initially flinches away. Instead he keeps his hand still in the air and waits for Kellin to move closer to it, to nuzzle his face into it. Cautiously Kellin makes his way to Vic’s lap, loving the way Vic begins to pet his hair.

“Shh, it’s okay. You’re okay. You’re not stuck here,” Vic begins, brushing the hair out of Kellin’s face. “We can go wherever you want, I’ll drop everything for you. You just have to tell me where you want to go. We can go anywhere you want, we don’t have to stay here,” Vic whispers into Kellin’s ear. Kellin just nods, silently asking Vic to continue. “What about the Netherlands? You know they have tulip fields there? Just rows and rows of different colored tulips. We could go there for a day, just to lay down in the field. It would be like laying inside of a rainbow. Or we could go to a flower tunnel in Japan. You would be completely surrounded by-”

“What if I wanted to leave you?” Kellin cuts Vic off. The first time he asked this, Vic was incredibly hurt. He was absolutely terrified that Kellin was actually considering this, that he was planning on leaving. In truth, Kellin didn’t want to leave, nor was he planning on it. But he needed to know that if he did want to that he could, he needed to know that Vic wouldn’t trap him. Vic knew this now, he knew that Kellin just needed to know he was free. He needed to know that being with Vic was his choice, and it was. Because if he wanted to leave, even though Vic would be horribly crushed, Vic would let him. He would never force Kellin to do anything he didn’t want to do.

“If you wanted to leave I would buy you a plane ticket out of here, I would drive you anywhere. If needed be, I would build you a ship and wave you goodbye as you floated wherever you needed to go. I would watch you sail into whatever life you needed.” Even though Kellin is asking about leaving he seems to clutch Vic’s shirt just a little tighter, before mumbling into Vic’s chest. “What was that?” Vic whispers, as he couldn’t quite understand what Kellin had said.

“I think, I think you’re my ship,” Kellin whispers, staring at Vic’s face.

“I’m your ship,” Vic says, thinking about it before smiling, “I’ll be the ship that carries you away.”