Dizzy Hurricane

I couldn't believe that we were arguing over this again, sometimes I can swear my Lizzy is more stubborn than a mule. I watch her pace, her arms folded against her chest, her eyes glued to the floor because she knows if she looks at me she will weaken. I smile to myself, I love that I can stop her anger in its tracks with just a mere glance, but of course that won't work if she refuses to look at me.

“Baby, please,” I sigh, “just look at me.”

She huffs and stops pacing, I see her mouth down turn and she shakes her head. I could tell she was fighting with herself not to look my way, she knows the moment she does she lost this battle. I mean this is silly, I am sick of this same old fight, yet I can’t stop bringing it up. I already know how this will play out; she will say not now, I will beg for her to change her mind. We will exchange more words, we both end up feeling bad so we apologize, agree to disagree and end up watching a movie. But first I got to get her to look at me so we can move on to the making up part and working on the keeping my mouth shut part.

“My flower, come on.” I urge her, taking a few steps closer to her.

“No, not this time Kellin,” my name stung as she said it. She rarely if ever uses my first name and the times that she does she is always angry. She puts her hands up in defense telling me to stay back, "not this time."

She takes three steps back from me while still shaking her head. I sigh; I really don't get what the big deal is. We have done this song and dance before, what makes this time so different? I just want to get back to the happy part but that doesn't stop me from saying what I have said a hundred times before.

“Liz, it is really that bad to want to have kids? For us to have kids?” This time she did look up, with anger burning in her eyes.

This is not going to be good.

“You are not being fair to me at all.” She throws her hands up in frustration. “I feel like every time I turn around you are bombarding me with this whole kid thing. Anytime I start to breathe easy again, BAM! Kellin starts up again with his desire for a junior.” I can see in her face that she is tired; guilt starts to wash over me. I open my mouth to speak but she continues. “I just, barely, got over cancer, you think I want to run and put my body through anymore right now. You think the first thing on my mind is to have something grow in the reign of my stomach. What if it comes back while I am pregnant, hmm, what then? The doctor said it was too soon to tell if I am in the clear yet, he said it’s really at the year mark when they know if I am in full remission. Which you already know, by the way, because you were there when he said it.” She shakes her head again, her hair now shoulder length swaying with the motion. “And what about our careers, hmm? Are you willing to put your music on the back burner to be a father? Because I will not be the only one who pushes goals to the side for this child that we would have.” I hear her voice shake and she sighs, “Please, just stop pressuring me Kellin. I am not ready, why can't you understand that?”

What I want to say is that I do understand but instead I say, “Jack is doing it, he is going to be a father and handle his music and-“

“JACK IS REPLACEABLE.” I see her breathing start to grow rapid; I have never seen her this upset before, especially not at me. “This is your band, your baby, so you aren’t!” She rolls her eyes, “and if you haven't noticed babies are a whole lot of work, which is why Jack and Tania are on a six month program to graduate this year. Which is why JT said they can live here until they get on their feet. Which is why Jack has requested two less rehearsals a month so he can be with his child when he is born. Besides, it’s working for them because Tania is willing to put acting to the side for a few years so she can be a mom. Which is something that I am not willing to do. I will not do the same." She stops paces at stares at me, her eyes pleading with me to understand. "You knew all of this about me from the very beginning, I never hid that from you. You said that it was fine and that you were okay with it, now this? Every week, almost every day you bring up a baby. This is my dream, Kellin and I will not nip it in the bud so that we can play house.”

I feel the sting of her words on my chest; I can see what she just said register on her face. I can tell she regrets it but that doesn't make it hurt any less; before I really have time to think anger wells up in me. I rake my finger through my hair and press my tongue against my cheek. I tell myself to stay quiet, don't say a word, this is a dumb battle that we will both lose if we don’t stop now. I try to stay rational, I start breathing evenly but as her words echo in my head I find it harder to stay silent. Even harder to stay cool headed.

“Kellin, I-“ She starts in a calm voice, hands slightly shaking, all this emotion is wearing her out.

My own guilt is drowned out by other emotions, it barely even registered as my blood pumps adrenaline through my body. I clench my fist and stare at my feet in hopes to calm myself. I just need her to not say anything so that I can stay focused. A few moments of silence pass and I have managed to cool down, well not really.

“I am-“ She hesitates again, probably looking for the right words.

“Is that what you think this is?” I feel myself glaring at her; I can see her cringe a bit. I never look at her with anything but love, this is a first. “You think this is all a big game of pretend. Some show that we are putting on for the cameras? I want to be a father, I told you that before I married you-"

“And I told you that I would love to have kids, I didn’t say right after we got married. I made it clear that my priority is you and my acting.” Her eyes are watering in frustration but her voice remained gentle. “I love you.”

“Then why is it so hard for you give me what I want?” I regretted those words the moment I uttered them.

“If you wanted kids right now then maybe you married the wrong person. If that’s more important to you then trying to figure out what works best for us both, then maybe you just aren't who I thought you were. Is this the real you? The person you are showing me now? The one who throws fits and whines when he doesn't get his way? I didn't fall in love with that Kellin. I fell in love with the Kellin who was always willing to work things out with me, the one who agreed to wait with me for at least five years. He would never look at me the way you just did. I am sorry I hurt you, but are you sorry that you are hurting me? “

She started crying and she left before I could even say a word. I sit on the bed and shove my head into my hands. What have I done? Why didn't I just drop it? I know that shouldn't be pushing her, I know we said we would wait. Why is this such a big deal for me? Why does it keep driving me crazy? Better yet, why am I allowing it to drive a wedge into my marriage? I bite my lip and sigh, staring at the door, waiting for Lizzy to come back in so we could make up. After ten minutes I realize that that isn't how this will be playing out. I get up and press my hand against the door letting out a sigh.

“Please come back.” I mumble to the empty room.