Dizzy Hurricane

I sit in class chewing on my pen cap, half focused and well, half not while Johnny Depp explains the importance of emotional attachment to one's character. Going into detail about the impact it has on your art and your career.

“That is what sets apart the bad actors and the decent actors from the truly great one,” he tosses aside his hair without paying mind to the swoons from the girls. “If you don't feel the love, hate, rage, sorrow, et cetera as your own it will show on the screen or on the stage. The audience will feel the absence and you will never be great…”

He starts in on his process of getting into character and my mind wanders, tomorrow is the final test of the semester and our last day of classes. Kellin and I haven't really made up or tired to but that’s because I haven't gone back to our room since the fight three days ago. I am still really hurt and frustrated with it all. I am afraid that if we speak about it again we will fight again and then we won't be able to fix it. That we will get to a place beyond repair, I can barely handle the thought, I don't want it to be our reality. This reality we are in now is hell enough for me. I plop my head on the table and Johnny clears his throat.

“Ahh Elizabeth, I love when you volunteer to do a demonstration for us.” I get up know that Mister Depp will not let me wiggle my way out of this one, “Zac, come up here and play opposite of Elizabeth. I want you two to fight like a couple would over whatever you seem to feel, with true emotional attachment. Make it real for us,” he steps back three paces and then nods his head at us as our cue to begin.

“You never really gave me a chance,” I can tell from the anger in Zac’s eyes he is referring to our once almost romance.

“You never fought for it,” I feel cruel, but my anger at Kellin is boiling up, “you sat back and let everyone else do the real work. Was I not worth the fight?” I throw my hand in the air, afraid to know the answer I push forward. “Life won't just hand everything to you, you know? Learn to put in the work.”

I see a small part of him deflate. Please be the acting, I think to myself. Zac is the only really close male relationship I didn’t ruin and I don’t want to do that now.

“You are right,” he sighs and runs his hand through his hair, “but you weren’t the one who ended up with a broken heart.”

It was like he stabbed me in the chest, I hadn’t even thought about his feelings. What an idiot I am, but what if this really is all just acting and I am taking this all out of content. Still, that doesn’t stop the tears, the same ones that have been flowing almost nonstop since my big fight with Kells.

“I am sorry, I didn’t,” his face drops and the emotion in his eyes is replaced with worry.

“Great job!!” Johnny applauded with the rest of the class, “take your seats.”

“Uh, I don’t feel too well, may I be excused?” I ask Johnny, not bothering to look at Roxy’s or Zac’s worried expressions.

“Sure Elizabeth, rest up and feel better. Remember we have finals tomorrow at 8:30 am on the main stage.” He gives me a warm smile as I gather my things.

“I will see you tomorrow.” I bolt out of the room.

Before heading to the library I stop at Kellin’s classroom, I see him staring vacantly at the board. He looks paler than usual and has bags under his eyes. I wonder if has has been eating? My stomach clenches and I frown. There is no smile on his face either, my heart breaks at the sight of him. I start crying again and he looks up and sees me. A longing dances in his eyes, I look away, and I can no longer bear it. I start running again, I crash into Vic. He is muttering to himself and raking his hands through his hair so much I am afraid it’s going to fall out.

“Vic?” He looks at me, I can see that he is upset.

“What’s wrong?” We say in unison and then laugh.

“Let’s talk somewhere private,” he says and then he leads me back to his dorm room.

I sat with my legs crossed on the bed in Vic’s room. Since Roxy is still in class and I have nowhere else to go, I decided why not, I could use a good venting. All I keep thinking is that things with Kellin, I haven't really been patched up and I really haven't made any effort. I am just so afraid, I guess for a lot of reasons. So I cry on Vic's shoulder and spill my guts about not being ready for kids, the fear of not being able to work this out, and about how much I just miss Kellin. He says nice, comforting things, and tells me it will all be fine, that’s calms me just enough to be curious why he is so upset. So now it’s his turn to say what is on his mind. So he gets up from the bed, nods his head like he knows he has to speak now. He starts pacing and running his hands through his hair, again, not speaking but saying so much with his body language alone. I could tell he is worried, stressing, probably over love, as usual, and he hasn’t slept trying to come up with a solution. I get all of this just from the pacing, same old Vic. You have to love that about him. I smile; at least I know that he hasn’t changed. He pauses and finally looks up at me to speak.

“Naomi tried to kiss me yesterday and I rejected her.” I feel my eyes widen, that girl is too much. “I tried to be discreet about not wanting to kiss but it upset her and then I got all weird and pissy.” He huffs and starts pacing again, “here is the thing, and I don’t know why I didn’t just go for it. I mean we have kissed before,” again my eyes widen, before? “But. . . I don’t know.” He shakes his head, shrugs and then he sighs, “It’s just I think I am afraid of messing everything up. I don’t want to dive into another relationship only to have it fall apart. To be honest I really like her, a lot. I haven’t really liked someone this much since, well, you.” He gave an awkward chuckle, “odd huh? You think I would have jumped to keep this door open for me but instead I am trying so hard to close it. Besides, I don’t want Ally to hate me for this either.” He bites his bottom lip, “what do you think?”

I feel myself torn. I know Ally likes him. I am pretty sure she always did, hence why I had told her to back off while he and I were dating. So I want to root for her, but I know her track record with guys, which is super horrid. Plus, when we spoke last week she admitted to missing Jack, so romantically she is a mess. On the other hand, Naomi is no better. She creeped on her best friend’s crush, stole his attention while dating someone who was her ‘love’ and then left him flat for Vic. But she did leave him, so I guess that does say a lot. I bite my bottom lip, he really seems to like her, and that is what matters in the end. I mentally apologize to Ally.

“Talk to Naomi let her know what scares you and why you freaked and then ask her to be your girlfriend. You have to take the risk or you will regret it.” I put on my best smile.

He beamed at me, “you are the best. I am happy to know someone supports me.”

“I will talk to Ally for you.” He hugs me so tight.

“Seriously, the best Liz.” His lips brush my cheek and a flash of our relationship floods my mind. Closing up my throat leaving me without words to say in response to him. “Lock up when you leave,” he is already out the door running to make things right with Naomi.

So why haven't I made the effort to make things right with my husband? Why have I been doing everything instead, to avoid him?