Dizzy Hurricane

I am sitting in Ally’s living room playing videos from our trip to Disney world with the group last year. I watch as she giggles on the screen pulling Vic’s hand and whispering something into his ear. She kisses his cheek and rushes off before he could reply. In the next part, Jack is grabbing her from behind and twirling her around during our water fight by the pool. My stomach knots up it’s like watching those two were fight over her without saying a word. Things are so different now, Ally is so different. I think back to sitting in the doctor’s office with Kellin, a few minutes before Ally’s release. He was holding my hand, ready for anything. We planned for all possible things; she could live with us or mom and dad if she needed constant care. We spoke about a nurse coming to this apartment if she wanted, and yet, what the doctor said still came as a major shock to me.

“She doesn’t remember a lot of things. It seems the combination of the concussion and lack of oxygen took some of her memories. Now this could be temporary, so jog her memory with smells, favorite places, foods, stories, pictures, videos, old letters, everything and anything. If it’s temporary she should have all her memories back in under a year.” She picked up papers and placed them back in the file. She stops and looks me in the eyes. “You need to know that if it lasts longer, I am afraid the damage would have been permanent. She will never remember what she has lost.”

I remember the stabbing pain in my chest. They way I had to force my head to nod in response, letting the doctor know that I understood. I never thought that she would forget. What if she doesn’t remember me? I was so nervous and so sad, because I knew she wouldn’t be the same and to me, it was like Ally died anyway. Now she would be someone new.

The sound of my laughter on the screen pulls me back to the present. This has to be the hardest thing, seeing Ally not really know who she is. Now she is always confused, spaced out, and for good reason, she is easily frustrated. I watch her stare in awe at the screen as if she can’t believe that that was once her. I just watch her until it hurts too much to know that I may never get my Ally back. I look back at the screen; we were holding hands as we dived off a cliff into a river. I smile that was the best ‘pit stop’ we took that trip. I remember how angry Ally got because she knew we were really lost but she didn't say anything to Jack because she was still mad at him. Since he was the one who was driving she kept her lips sealed. I can see Vic calming her down, she gets on her tiptoes and brushing her lips against his. I hear her gasp at that but I keep my eyes glued to the screen, not wanting to see her confused expression. Now in the home movie, Naomi is pulling her away laughing. They are laughing so loud, I wondered what had made them laugh that way. The DVD ends and I get up to change it. Afraid to speak, since I really didn't know what to say.

“Lizzy,” I hear Ally whisper, my body freezes, “do you think I will ever remember?”

I force a smile onto my face and hope it looks real, “yeah, of course you will Ally.”

She smiles back satisfied with my answer. I turn back and change the DVD for another, but this time of just her. This is from back when we first started at MJA and were doing photo and video journals of our experiences. We wanted to be able to look back at them when we were older and see how much we have grown. I popped in Ally’s DVD my heart pounding I have never seen these, they are private. Right now, I feel like I am violating that privacy and it hasn't even started. I stand awkwardly in front of the couch. I hand her the remote and clear my throat.

“This is one of your many private DVDs. We did video journals when we started going to MJA. I still do mine actually, ummm, I don't know how long you're journals go on for. . . ”

“Why? Wouldn't I tell you if I stopped?” She gave me a confused look and cocked her head to the side.

I clear my throat and shift my weight between my feet then I mumble, “Not really.” I raise my voice, “anyway, I think you should watch alone, just in case things get too, ahh, sensitive.”

She grabs my wrist, “no way. I am sure there is nothing you don't already know on these.”

I sit and try to tell her the truth about us as gently as possible but she already pressed play and faced the TV. So I turned too and faced whatever was to come.

“Hey,” Ally had her hair up in a ponytail; I can tell by the date on the tape that this is from the day that we did the freshmen orientation. I cringed; this isn't going to be good. Her eyes were puffy; I could tell that she was crying her eyes out. “ Today was the first day of classes at my dream school, so yay! But, well it didn't turn out so great. I mean I like my classes but well it's things with Lizzy. Let me just get to the point. Umm, so Lizzy and I got into the biggest fight in the world." She laughs awkwardly, "There I said it. It all started because she told me to keep my hands off of Vic, since he is her boyfriend and all. I was pissed when she said that, I mean he was mine first, but then everything started to unravel. I found out she was raped by that 32 year old I had been talking to.It's all a mess.” She sniffles and wipes her face with her sleeve. “And anyway, to be honest, if the truth really be told, I do like Vic. He is smart, cute, talented and well easy to talk to but I saw Max first right? So whatever. Nothing I can do about especially since he is dating my sister. But we have this connection, I mean I felt it right away, like we were meant to know each other somehow. He is already the best person I know." She looks down and her lap and shakes her head. "Anyway the point is that Lizzy basically said that she hates me. I mean she missed prom for me, doesn’t trust me,” she was laughing nervously while tears spilled down her face, “got left back because of me.” She keeps ticking off fingers, “she thinks I have no self control." Her voice shakes, I can see she can't keep going. "I hope I am not missing anything.” A sad and bitter laugh follows. “She is right about the self control thing because I kissed him. When she left I kissed Vic and well, I feel awful about it but not at the same time. The reality of all this is that I am a horrible sister. How will I ever get Lizzy to forgive me?”

The screen goes blank and I feel myself crying. I know Ally is facing me now, and I know she knows the truth.

She takes a deep breath. "Did you ever forgive me?"

I let the question hang in the air, "I don't think I ever did." I turn to look at her, "you should watch these on your own."

I get up and go to the bathroom. I sink to the floor, pull my knees to my chin and cry.