Wish-List

Joshua,

I have a little truth for you. 4 months today, I found out that I had 5 months to live. I was told that it wouldn’t be a moment later and it may not be a moment sooner. 5 months was what I was told and that’s what they expected.

All things being well, anyway.

Unfortunately for me, all things aren’t well.

You see, this illness does funny things to you. In my case, I think that knowing you have it makes you feel worse. The doctor told me that if I went ahead with treatment, I would become tired, have to stop working and lose my hair. He also said that there was no guarantee that it would work. I didn’t want any of that. I didn’t want to lose you, either, which is why I have made this decision.

Since I found out about the cancer, I felt like I was alienating you. I couldn’t tell you; you would just worry all the time. I couldn’t stop you going to the studio and recording, couldn’t stop you playing shows and having fun, living your dream. More importantly than those things though, I couldn’t watch you treat me like a different person because you knew I would be leaving soon. Josh, I just couldn’t do that to you.

So this, I guess, is my wish-list. It’s not goodbye, we did that this morning when you went to the studio. Did you notice that it was a longer goodbye than usual? I had to feel your touch for a little longer, take in your scent a little more than I would usually. I’m sorry that I lied to you, that I told you it was ‘just a headache’ this morning. There was an ache in my head, so I guess I wasn’t lying to you completely, if that’s any comfort. I want to go before it’s too late and I can’t do things for myself. The doctor warned that it would get to that point if I didn’t have treatment and I’ve already started noticing those things.

Thank you for giving me my favourite shirt of yours to go back to bed in, it’s the one I was hoping to write my wish-list in. I’m sorry that I really don’t intend on letting you have it back. It’s mine now!

My pain relief tablets are in the drawer; they’re strong, so, please, never take what’s left of them. I swallowed 16 of them about 10 minutes ago, just in case they ask at the coroner’s office. The doctor said I should take no more than 2 a day, so I figured this dosage would let me go quickly and painlessly enough.

You can take a look at the medical advice sheets I have from the doctor, that’ll explain most things. I have made an appointment for you to see my specialist on Thursday. He can answer all of your other questions. He thinks we’ll be there together but he’ll know by that point that’ll just be you. You can take someone with you, if you like. I always imagined Dan being there with you, I’m not sure why.

I genuinely do want you to move on, honestly. You deserve as much happiness as the world will allow and you need to accept that. Also, none of this is your fault, or anyone’s but mine really. I should have got the headaches checked out earlier, maybe the cancer wouldn’t have developed so far if I had gone sooner. I wish you the best in the future. I hope you can open your heart enough to allow someone else in. Make sure she treats you well, makes you breakfast in the morning and buys you the milkshake you like from the shops. I would hate for her to get that detail wrong. Make sure she knows that.

The navy blue ball gown that’s hanging on the edge of the wardrobe is what I want to wear. It’s my favourite dress that you ever bought me, I love it. The silver heels, too. I picked them out especially, so you wouldn’t get confused. I know I have a lot of pairs of silver heels but these ones go brilliantly. I hope they make me look the best they possibly can.

Tell the guys I’m sorry. Come and visit me whenever you can. Please don’t let people remember me as the girl who dated the lead singer in You Me At Six. That would be the worst! Raise awareness. Tell people what happened and encourage them to talk, to go for a check-up if they think something could be wrong. Write a song about if you have to.

Thank you for letting me kiss you harder this morning. I’m sorry that it was for the last time.

I’m sorry you’ve had to find me this way and I’m really sorry I couldn’t do this face to face; I know it would’ve been too much for the pair of us.

I love you, for always, forever. x