To Know
Lingering Thoughts
Knowing things is in my personality. My mind processes things in its own way. I needs time to thing, but my mind chooses the times late at night when I’m drifting off. I can’t sleep soundly because these thoughts submerse me and bounce off of each other.
People say, don’t you want to be happy? I never respond. They act like I’m sad just because I frown. Like I said, I don’t know how I’m feeling. It’s amazing how my brain thinks of only things that happened with my dad and only of my dad. It takes true love for a person to think of them all the time and give yourself no thought. I truly loved my dad with all of my heart.
It’s worse when I’m asleep and my brain is still hard at work. That’s when I start to see things; when I start to hear my dad talk to me. He may say sweet things when I’m in that state, but I know that I need to move on with my life. If I didn’t hear his voice so often, it wouldn’t feel to me as a problem. When it happens every night, that’s when I worry the most.
Am I meant to worry for the rest of my life? That’s the only “emotion” I know anymore. Paranoia requires some form of classification, worrying just makes me human. Is it human though? To worry about thing I don’t know for certain or to worry about what has already passed every day? People say that they worry all the time, but I worry all the time and it’s driving me insane.
This is what I know. I’ve become a girl that delves on her thoughts and has lost all of who she is, while lost in her thoughts. I know that I pick at my own emotions and make it my purpose to provide self-therapy. I want to know that I am strong enough to get through this part of life. I wish I know if I am strong enough to push past this and make a new life. The thing that I will never know? Well, I will never know where I am going to end up or when I will end up there. I am afraid that I will never know if I am going to kill myself, until it’s too late and my mind has decided it’s time.
I just hope that I remember everything with my dad and I just hope that I will know that in the end, I’ve found who I am. The mind is a powerful thing and I want to know, but may never know if it is possible to overpower it before my time here is over.
People say, don’t you want to be happy? I never respond. They act like I’m sad just because I frown. Like I said, I don’t know how I’m feeling. It’s amazing how my brain thinks of only things that happened with my dad and only of my dad. It takes true love for a person to think of them all the time and give yourself no thought. I truly loved my dad with all of my heart.
It’s worse when I’m asleep and my brain is still hard at work. That’s when I start to see things; when I start to hear my dad talk to me. He may say sweet things when I’m in that state, but I know that I need to move on with my life. If I didn’t hear his voice so often, it wouldn’t feel to me as a problem. When it happens every night, that’s when I worry the most.
Am I meant to worry for the rest of my life? That’s the only “emotion” I know anymore. Paranoia requires some form of classification, worrying just makes me human. Is it human though? To worry about thing I don’t know for certain or to worry about what has already passed every day? People say that they worry all the time, but I worry all the time and it’s driving me insane.
This is what I know. I’ve become a girl that delves on her thoughts and has lost all of who she is, while lost in her thoughts. I know that I pick at my own emotions and make it my purpose to provide self-therapy. I want to know that I am strong enough to get through this part of life. I wish I know if I am strong enough to push past this and make a new life. The thing that I will never know? Well, I will never know where I am going to end up or when I will end up there. I am afraid that I will never know if I am going to kill myself, until it’s too late and my mind has decided it’s time.
I just hope that I remember everything with my dad and I just hope that I will know that in the end, I’ve found who I am. The mind is a powerful thing and I want to know, but may never know if it is possible to overpower it before my time here is over.