White Walls

I rolled over onto my stomach and reached out beside me. I frowned and sat up when I realised he was no longer sleeping beside me. Rubbing my eyes, I held the sheets against my chest as I sat up. “John?” I called out softly.

No response.

I got out of bed and dressed quickly in one of his old t-shirts and underwear. I made my way down the hallway of our three year old loft, checking the studio before checking the other bedroom. No sign of John.

I closed the bedroom door behind me quietly before making my way out into the main area of the loft, but again, he was nowhere to be seen. Not even upstairs on my work area/balcony. I opened the front door and sighed when I found him on the front steps smoking a joint.

“Babe,” I murmured, sitting behind him and draping my arms over his bare chest. “I didn’t know where you were.”

“Sorry,” he coughed, holding the joint away from me and kissing me softly. “You going into work today?”

I nodded. “It’ll just be you two at home today. Which means you shouldn’t be smoking this.” I mumbled, sending him a look.

He sighed, throwing it on the ground and stepping on it with his bare foot. “You’re right. Sorry.”

I kissed his temple and pulled him into me. “Are you okay?”

He shrugged and nodded. “I’m fine.” He leaned over and kissed me. “What time are you-“

“Mama…” a little voice whined behind me.

I turned around and opened my arms to the little body, shirtless just like his father. “Hey bubba, c’mere.”

He climbed into my lap and leant against John, closing his eyes with a yawn.

“Why are you up if you’re tired, Luc?” I chuckled, tickling behind his ear.

“Bec-cause dada’s up,” he pouted. God he looked exactly like John.

“You’re a weird dude,” John chuckled, pulling Lucas on to his lap. “Dada’s going back to bed anyway. We can watch movies in my room if you want.” He murmured, running a hand through Lucas’ sandy blonde hair before kissing him on the forehead. He was only two but he looked so much like his father.

“Yes-s-s please,” he cooed, burying his face into John’s chest. “M’tired.”

“Alright bubba, let’s get your ass back inside.” John nodded as he stood with Lucas in his arms.

I stood and smacked him on the arm. “Language.” I scolded.

John smirked and leant down to kiss me. “If he’s gonna look like daddy, he’s gotta talk like daddy.”

“Don’t you dare,” I warned, opening the door for them. “The last thing we need is him speaking like that in front of your mom.”

“Speaking of which, mom wants us round for lunch soon.” John mused, rolling his eyes as we walked into the kitchen where he placed Lucas on the kitchen bench.

“Sounds good, I missed your parents.” I nodded. “Anyway, I’m going to go get dressed, can you get him breakfast?” I asked as I headed down the hall to our bedroom.

He called a positive response before asking Lucas what he wanted to eat. I smiled to myself as Lucas gave him some crazy response. They were so cute together. Sometimes when I was working overhead they’d be on the couch just talking away. John had a technique of asking Lucas a lot of complex questions so he would respond with long answers. It was a way of exercising his speech because he had some form of a stutter and it was important to fix that before it became permanent like Pat’s.

Although he had a stutter, Lucas was extremely fluent in speaking for his age, which surprised us because he was born with a few physical difficulties that the doctors thought would translate into learning difficulties. Sometimes he walked funny, and we knew when he was older he would need some kind of surgery on his feet, because he tripped over quite a lot. When I was pregnant I was also severely underweight so that affected the birth and Lucas was born with a large scar on his back from an incision they had to make in order reset his spine. I remember the day he was born- I didn’t even get to hold him before he was moved straight into surgery.

I’d found out I was pregnant three months after John was admitted to rehab, I was exactly four months at the time. It was alarming because I didn’t show a lot even though I was underweight, so it was a good five months of constant appointments. Oh, and there was the part where I was going through most of it alone. John was in rehab working on himself in order to become ready to be a father. It was hard enough that he had to get better for our relationship. Adding a child to that with only three months to prepare? It was hard to say the least.

But when John left rehab that April, (by then I was six months) he’d transformed himself. Of course there were the off days, and the occasional mood swings, but he was on heavy (and healthy) medication and mood stabilizers that were actually doing him wonders. We made it through the couple counselling which is what I think helped us make it through the pregnancy. Had we been on our own without that kind of support, I don’t think we’d be here with Lucas right now. I was so grateful that our insurance covered therapists and counselling.

I took a deep breath and walked into our closet. It was somewhat bigger than the closet we had in our old house, which helped because as 8123 had grown, so had my own line. We’d also opened up a physical store down the road from the warehouse for people to actually go in and buy things. Occasionally the bands would do live acoustic sets in the store but we were doing pretty well sales wise and with the online store reaching internationally, 8123 was booming.

I pulled on a light dress because we were in April now and it was definitely getting hotter. It was a pale pink collared dress that I paired with some old Jeffrey Campbell boots. I did my hair and make-up before grabbing my bag and heading back down the hall, where I found John leaning against the bench with a bowl of cereal, watching Lucas sit indian-style on the island, a bowl in his own lap, trying to be as much like daddy as he could.

“Careful bub, don’t dribble.” John spoke as he chewed on a mouthful. He was such a kid at heart, constantly persuading me into getting Capn’ Crunch.

“I’m not-“ Lucas began, before the milk spilt from his mouth back into the bowl.

“Ew,” John chuckled, grabbing the kitchen towel and wiping his mouth.

“I’m gonna get going now.” I announced as I grabbed a granola bar from the pantry.

“When are you gonna be finished?” John asked.

“I’m not sure, I’ve gotta go into the store because we’re getting stock in today.” I groaned, leaning up on my tiptoes to kiss him. “I’ll call you later on.”

“I can bring him in if you want,” John shrugged, swallowing his mouthful before kissing me properly. “Lunchtime? We’ll go get something.”

I nodded. “Yeah that’ll be good.” I turned to Lucas who beamed. “And I’ll see you later my little munchkin!”

“Bye mama-“

“Lucas!” John scolded as Lucas opened his mouth, only to dribble the food down his bare chest. “You gotta swallow your food before you talk bud, you know this.”

“Sorry that was my fault.” I winced, pushing Lucas’ hair back and kissing his forehead. “Be good for daddy, okay?”

He nodded, too scared to speak in case he spilt his food.

I chuckled and gave John one last kiss before heading for the door. I didn’t like leaving them, because I loved the days we’d spend in bed, wasting time and watching countless movies. It was like the days John and myself would laze around shirtless, just to spend time together. It was crazy to think that only three years ago we were so wrapped up in eachother and our relationship, that he was so badly under the power of depression that I didn’t think we’d last. And now John’s turning twenty eight this year, myself the big two-five. It was kind of daunting to say the least but exciting because John shared his birthday with Lucas, who’d be turning three. It really was gorgeous that they had the same birthday. I think it really meant something to John personally.

Having Lucas certainly changed something in John. He was extremely selfless now, constantly putting Lucas first- which, I know you’d expect of any father but it was different in John’s case because the disease he’d lived with for so many years really turns you into a selfish person. But I honestly believe that Lucas gave John life- he taught him how to love passionately again and I don’t think Lucas will ever be able to understand that.

Before I found myself getting emotional, I pulled up in the parking lot of the warehouse, to find everyone already inside. A lot had changed in here over the past three years and it was amazing to look back and see how far we’d come.

I walked in and was greeted by Lennon first, who was just exiting his office. “Hey where are you off to?” I asked curiously.

“I have to run down to Tim and just go through something. It’s easier to do it in person- I’ll be back soon okay?” He assured, before dashing on out. He’d certainly gotten a lot busier over the years. Both our individual lines had soared in sales and we were getting quite popular, being nominated for different design awards a few times. We did a lot of collaborations between the lines and we bonded really well so it hardly felt like work.

Beside Lennon’s office, there was the newly fashioned design office, where Tate, Elijah and Caleb worked. Taking up the rest of the main area, was where Jack and Layla spread out to do packaging and orders and all the rest of it. Since the lines and the merchandise in general had expanded to more than just t-shirts and crew necks, we had a lot more storage put in which meant orders were a lot larger in size and numbers.

I made my way into my office and placed my bag on my desk, smiling at the photo frame that held a picture of Lucas in it. He was the light of my life now, one that could never go out.

I heard a knocking on my door before Tate entered, Caleb behind her. “Hey guys, what’s up?”

“We’ve finished up on the last of the new summer items,” Tate said, “I’ve just sent you a visual for you to double check but I think we’re pretty much done.”

“Alright, sounds awesome,” I nodded, turning on my computer. “What else do we need to do today?” I
asked.

“You and me are going down to the store at one so we can unload stock.” Caleb piped up. “You’ve also got to talk to Tim about the next acoustic set at the store. I think it’s Santino?”

“Alright I’ll get onto that. Thanks guys. Is there anything else you needed?” I asked, looking from the computer to them.

They shook their heads and left. Well, Caleb left. Like any other Friday morning, the last thing Tate felt like doing, was working. Instead, she took a seat in front of my desk and let out a sigh.

“What’s up?” I asked, knowing something was most definitely up.“How’s Garrett?”

“Yeah he’s good,” she nodded slowly. “I stayed the night at his place again.”

“You sleep together?”

She shrugged and nodded. “Is that news anymore?”

I looked at her. “I guess not. Does that make it any better? Of course not.”

She sighed. “I know, but…strangely this works better than being a couple did. And it also gives me freedom to go on non-dates with Pat.”

I rolled my eyes. “Getting dinner with your best friend who you used to hook up with- I wouldn’t call them non-dates.”

“But there’s no romantic feelings between us.” She sighed.

“Babe, the band is finally working on some new stuff after the much needed break. Don’t you think it’s dangerous to play around with the two of them?” I pushed, hoping she’d see my point.

“But I’m not interested in Pat at all. We’re just friends.” She insisted.

“But that’s not the point, he’s the one-y’know what, I can’t even be bothered today.” I admitted, raising my hands in defeat.

She let out a laugh. “Me neither.”

I guess some things don’t change.

***

By the time Caleb and I made our way to the store, it was just after one. We took my car down the road (I’d be leaving from the store) and were there in less than ten minutes.

“So how’s Lucas?” Caleb asked.

“Good,” I nodded. “Really good. How’s the Mrs?”

Oh yeah, did I mention Caleb was married now? It happened fast, really fast. He met a girl and introduced me to her (this was probably the January after John went to rehab) a month after they began dating. The next time I saw her, was after their shotgun wedding in Vegas. I was shocked, but happy for him nonetheless. Two years later and they were still happily married.

“We’re good. I actually wanted to talk to you about taking some time off?” He said, running a hand through his hair. “I have to go meet her family in Utah.”

My eyes widened. “Wait, you haven’t met her family? Caleb!”

“I know, I know, but her family is totally conservative. I think they’re all Christians too.” He groaned as I pulled up in the parking lot.

“Well that’s what you get for marrying a girl without asking.” I chuckled, getting out of the car. “Were they mad?”

“Extremely. I think they hate me.” He smirked.

I rolled my eyes and shoved him. “You’re a little shit.” I scoffed.

We walked into the store and were greeted by one of the four employees. They were all young and their youth was really refreshing in the store. From what I could see, it was only Jace and Matt working, the girls being off for the day.

“Hey guys how you going?” I greeted as I came around the counter, while Caleb dragged the boxes through on the trolley. They’d been left by the door and we really needed to get the stock onto the shelves because they were looking quite bare.

“Good, it’s been a busy morning,” Matt nodded as he wrote something down in the books. “We’re just starting to die down over lunch but no doubt we’ll be up again.”

“Alright well you’ll be getting flyers for the next acoustic so when they come in you can start advertising, okay?” I nodded.

“Yeah sounds good boss,” Matt replied.

“Alright we’re just going to unload stock so shout out if you need anything okay?” I called as I walked over to Caleb who’d already started tearing plastic bags to retrieve the freshly flat packed shirts.

We got to work and were flying through the new stock, and it got me excited for the new lines we were going to be bringing out soon. I couldn’t wait to finally see the end product of it all. I was about to get a lot busier with my new range because I wanted to do more collaborations and bring new ideas into the mix.

“Hey Caleb, I want you working on a lot more with me for the new range.” I stated, looking up at him as we sat on the floor of the store sorting through t-shirts and skirts.

He looked up. “Really?”

I nodded. “I want you to become more involved. When you get your own line one day it’s important you get the feel of the pressure and the work load. I think it’s important for your experience too.”

“That’d be awesome Lei, thank you so much.” He nodded.

“You deserve it, after these past three years with such a shitty work load, you deserve.” I chuckled.

“Mama!”

I looked up as I heard my little boys’ voice. I smiled when I saw him run over to me. “Hey bub,” I cooed, holding my arms out for him. I didn’t even realise the time flying by.

He’d almost made it, but about a metre away, he tripped over his own feet and landed on the concrete floor. I winced and so did John as he walked up behind him, bending down to pick him up.

“You’re okay bud,” John cooed, kissing his head.

I saw his lip quivering and stood. “Lukey,” I pouted, “you’re alright.” I turned to Caleb. “Can you finish up here? You can head off after you’re done with the last box.”

“Yeah no worries,” Caleb nodded, “hey man.” He greeted John with a small wave.

John sent him back a friendly smile before I said my goodbyes and we headed out. He was a lot more civil with Caleb, realising the depth of our relationship and understanding that we were merely working together. I waved to Matt and Jace before walking out the door, holding John’s hand. Lucas didn’t start crying until we were outside, when I took him from John.

“Oh come on sweet heart, you’re stronger than this,” I said, kissing his little tears away. “Come on boo.”

“Mama-hurt,” he whimpered.

“You’re okay Luc,” John sighed, rubbing his back. He looked like he’d had a rough morning and I felt sorry for him.

“Has he been grumpy all day?” I asked.

“The happiest he’s been is right before he fell over,” John mused. “He’s been a little shit ever since we got out of bed at twelve.”

“John, language.” I mumbled, taking Lucas to my car. “You wanna go out to eat or head home?”

“I think we should take him home, he needs a nap.” John sighed, kissing my cheek. “Sorry babe.”

“No it’s okay. Did you drive in?” I asked as I opened the back door and out Lucas into his car seat. He fought me on it but I eventually strapped him in tightly.

“Nah we stopped in to see Tim and I got a lift from Jared,” John yawned before climbing into the passenger seat. “God I’m exhausted.”

“I bet you are, he sure is,” I nodded, looking at Lucas in the rear view mirror as I pulled onto the main road. He was still crying and I know it wasn’t because of the fall. “I think it’s the terrible twos.”

“Terrible doesn’t even being to describe it.” John scoffed, rubbing his head. “I swear, he hates me.”

I sent John a look. “He doesn’t hate you.”

“He threw his milk at me before we left. I had to change and clean it off the couch- that’s why we were late.” He stated. “Oh, and this was after he pulled a tantrum and slapped me.”

“You’re kidding,” I sighed, shaking my head at the little boy who was crying himself into a slumber. He was only tiring himself out, it was clear to see. “Did you punish him?”

John nodded. “I took him to his room and he stayed there for half an hour. He’s not allowed to watch TV tonight and he doesn’t get desert after dinner.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Wow, super dad or what, huh?”

“I also did the dirty laundry- knowing how many clothes you and him go through, yeah, I’m a super dad. And a super boyfriend thank you very much.” He scoffed, clearly proud of himself.

Boyfriend.

I still wore the ring around my neck because it seemed like he’d forgotten to re-ask me the question, even after Lucas was born. I figured he’d wait until then but the question never came and I’ve been waiting for two years. Sometimes I commented on the ring in front of him, or wore it in bed so it would get in the way and he’d notice it but he never said anything about it. It’s not like I could ask him to propose to me- I wanted him to figure it out himself but I was beginning to worry that if I did that, the day would never come.

I mean I really wanted Lucas Johnson-O’Callaghan to lose my name and take on only John’s, just like I wanted to.

When we got home, John carried our sleeping child to his bed before joining me on the couch in front of the TV. I sighed and rested my head on his chest, closing my eyes.

“I can’t wait for this weekend, I’m exhausted.” I sighed.

“I know hun, me too. We’ve had a lot going on.” He murmured, kissing the top of my head.

“What with Lucas’ tantrums, Austin and Hilary’s stuff, all these new stock orders,” I sighed, “it’s only going to get busier when you go into the studio to record with the guys.”

“I guess touring a few months ago didn’t help either.” He nodded guiltily.

“No, you needed that,” I said firmly, rubbing his chest. “You needed to get back on the road and get that feeling again. That was good for you, John.”

“I know, I just hate leaving you two.” He sighed. “I know me being away puts more stress on you.”
“We need to focus on you too though,” I said, “you know what Dr. Adams said-“

“Yes babe I do, because I see him every week.” He muttered.

“It’s good for you and you know that.” I said firmly, kissing the side of his neck because that’s all I could reach from my position. “I know you’ve been feeling off recently and I don’t want you to go back down that road, John. We’ve got too much at stake and you’ve worked so hard to get out of there.”

“I know,” he murmured, closing his eyes and tipping his head back. He looked exhausted. “I know Lei, I’m not going to go back there. I promise. If not for you, for Lucas.”

I nodded softly. “It’s crazy to think that three years ago we wouldn’t be saying that-“

“Because we didn’t have Lucas or because I-“

“Lucas,” I said quickly, not wanting to be reminded of that time. We’d had a lot of therapy sessions to get through what happened before John entered rehab, and I was proud of where he was today. But at the same time, I was also wary about how fragile what happened could make him. I didn’t want the cracks to show yet again. “Because we didn’t have Lucas.”

“God, do you remember those days?” He chuckled, trying to lighten the conversation. “We got to do it whenever we wanted.”

I rolled my eyes and swatted his chest. “That’s why we ended up with a baby.”

“He’s not a baby anymore, Lei,” John smirked. “He’s a little man.”

“Oh yeah right,” I scoffed, shaking my head. “Not for another twenty years.”

“I knew you were gonna have a hard time letting go,” John murmured teasingly as he kissed my
forehead. “You cried when I went to rehab.”

“Well do you blame me?” I muttered, punching him in the arm. He always liked to make fun of how much I worried about him. I couldn’t help it, with this constantly developing motherly instinct. He was the father of my child, I worried about him just as much as I worried about my own son. It was a mom thing.

“Course not, I blame myself.”

I sent him a look. “Don’t say things like that.”

“But it’s true,” he murmured, kissing me softly. “I put you through a lot but you’re still with me. You could have taken Lucas away from me for an easier life but you stuck with me.”

“Of course I did,” I scoffed. “I love you.”

“Love you more darlin’,” he sighed, pulling me into his chest.

It was the quiet moments like these that I missed. You didn’t really get to experience them when you had a two year old running around causing havoc. I guess it made me appreciate him more.

Both of them.