White Walls

“Leighton, I can’t do it,” I stressed, pushing a hand through my hair. I couldn’t take Lucas into the studio- if I did, there wouldn’t even be a point for me to go in. I may as well just stay home and babysit. I wouldn’t be able to focus with him talking every five minutes. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to my son; I just needed to focus. I could talk for days with Lucas, but right now I didn’t have time to do that. I needed to get this EP done and recorded. I was getting in touch with deeper emotions and I couldn’t have Lucas interrupting that- the boys and I were stressing enough as it was. “Take him to your parents or something.”

“I already called them, John. They can’t take him- nobody can.” She snapped from the bathroom as she did her make up.

“Then you take him.” I scoffed, doing my jeans up and sitting on the end of the bed to put my socks on.

“Have you not been listening?” She frowned, leaving the bathroom. She looked really good today, even if she was only in black jeans and a black tank top. She always looked good. She was so slim too, which I didn’t expect after she was pregnant. It’s not that I thought she’d get ‘fat’, but I didn’t think it’d be as easy for her to lose the weight because of the history we had with our weight. “I have to convince one
of our designers not to quit and I have meetings with people for the offices- I’ve got so much going on at work John-“

“Okay, whatever,” I scoffed, waving her off. I didn’t mean to be so rude. I hadn’t taken my medication this morning so I was a bit snappy, like her.

“Don’t you dare interrupt me.” She scolded, like I was her three year old. “Figure something out.” She muttered before leaving the bedroom.

“Leighton I can’t!” I groaned in frustration. I grabbed my boots and followed her to the kitchen, where Lucas was eating breakfast. “We only had a half day yesterday so I have to be in early this morning!”

“Well take him to Eric’s!” She threw back, going over to Lucas and kissing his cheek. “Morning baby.” She murmured.

“Leighton I don’t have time for this,” I warned as she walked through the kitchen, grabbing her bag.

“Where are you-don’t you dare leave him with me!” I scoffed, following her to the front door.

“One day isn’t going to kill you!” She hissed, leaning up to kiss me. We were both pissed off, I don’t even know why she kissed me. “I’ll see you later, I love you.” She muttered, walking out.

“Leighton!” I called after her, thoroughly annoyed.

She ignored me as she got into her car. I rolled my eyes and slammed the door shut. I had to hand it to her that was pretty smart. But at the same time I was so pissed off at her. She didn’t listen to me at all and that got to me. Now I had absolutely no choice but to take him with me. I knew for a fact that Eric and Jac were doing wedding stuff today and just about everyone else was working. I looked over at Lucas and thought about calling Austin to babysit. But I knew if Leighton found out I called him, she’d have it out for me. She wasn’t on good terms with him since the party. She also wanted nothing to do with him and I guess I didn’t blame her, I didn’t like the way he spoke to her and even I told him to keep his distance from her.

“D-dada?” Lucas hummed from the kitchen bench.

I looked up at him. “Hmm?” I murmured, walking over to take a seat beside him.

“Am-am I c-coming with y-you?” He asked quietly, looking somewhat happy about it.

He brought a small smile to my lips. I rubbed his back and leant down to kiss the top of his head.
“Seems like it bub.” I sighed.

“Yay,” he mumbled to himself, the smile growing on his lips.

“You like coming into the studio with dad?” I chuckled.

He nodded furiously. “It’s funner than m-mama’s work-k.”

I smirked at his honesty.

Of course it was.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

I felt bad about leaving the two of them this morning. I know it was selfish to leave it all up to John, but I didn’t have a choice. Being late and bringing Lucas with me weren’t options. There was too much going on here for me to have a little boy running around.

It was midday when I called Elijah into my office. He looked like shit, to be honest. He sat in the chair across from my desk and I sat back in my own.

“So I spoke with Tim yesterday,” I started, “I’m sorry for threatening you. I don’t have that full authority and I shouldn’t have said that.”

A look of guilt flashed across his face as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“I was an idiot yesterday, I know that,” he mumbled.

“I would say idiot.” I mused.

He looked at me. “You have to understand where I was coming from, Lei.” He pleaded.

“I get that you feel like this is unfair, but it’s just as much his as it was to be yours.” I pointed out. “You didn’t have a right to react like that- I’ve never seen you so angry or upset, E.” I murmured softly.

“There has to be something more to this, right?”

He looked at his hands and shrugged. “No.”

“Elijah…” I coaxed. It was in my nature to feel like somewhat of a motherly figure to my employees, especially over Caleb, considering he was the youngest. But I’d never had to feel like that with Elijah. He was the strong one, the loud one. He never needed looking after, so to see him like this…well I was beginning to worry about him.

“I’m so fucking worthless,” he spluttered, choking on tears I hadn’t even realised were there.

“You are not,” I snapped, leaving my chair to sit beside him, wrapping my arms around him as he came undone. “Don’t say something like that Lij, you know better than that.” I sighed.

“I’m not going anywhere with my career- I’ve been stuck in the same position for six years Leighton, that has to be saying something about me.” He scoffed, wiping hastily at his tear-filled eyes.

“I’m a shit designer, which is why I can only do ‘basic band merch’.”

“Stop looking at everything so negatively,” I sighed, sitting back. “You’re taking over the entire design team- you’ll be leading three new interns that want nothing but to learn form you. You’ll have so much responsibility here in a few weeks.”

“I don’t deserve it.” He shook his head firmly. “A company in Utah want me to do graphics for them. It’s less pay but-“

“But nothing! You deserve more than that, Elijah. We need you here, we can’t lose you.” I finished softly, leaving us in a silence for a few moments.

He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry about yesterday, Lei.”

“Caleb could hear everything you know,” I pointed out, “you need to apologise before we move forward with your position.”

He nodded understandingly. “I know, and I’ll do that as soon as we’re finished here. I guess it was just my turn for a break down huh?”

“These walls have heard worse,” I mused, trying to lighten the mood. “You’re…you are looking after yourself, aren’t you?” I asked gently, rubbing his knee.

He looked down at his hands again. “It’s been difficult without her.”

“I guess the whole town knowing what happened doesn’t help either?” I sighed sympathetically. It was foreign to me how someone you thought loved you could do something so wrong to you. How they could betray you to that extent was beyond me. Although me and John had our break downs and our arguments, I could never see him doing anything like this to me. Never.

“Oh god no,” he chuckled, shaking his head. “I thought I was going to marry this girl. I don’t know how I’m going to survive in court but I’ll manage.”

“If you ever need help or just want somebody to talk to, we’re all here for you.” I dropped in seriously. “You know that, right?”

He exhaled and nodded. “I do. Thank you Leighton. It means a lot that you’re so understanding.”

“Well if I wasn’t you’d all be talking about me on your lunch break.” I teased, standing with him. “Give me a hug, you idiot.”

He let out a weak laugh and hugged me back. “I’ll go apologise to Caleb now.”

I nodded, pulling back. “You do that. And hold on Elijah, it’s going to get better, I promise.”

He sent me a smile before heading out, approaching Caleb in order to apologise to him. It felt like a huge worrying weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was so thankful that had gone so smoothly. I guess I knew deep down it would, because Elijah was normally a calm and collected kind of guy, but we all needed to let off some steam sometimes.

We just need to breathe every once in a while.

***

I sat back in my chair nodding my head as the demo of our latest song filled the studio. I was really liking the way this EP was sounding and I was feeling incredibly proud of the songs we’d been writing.

“Maybe b-bring in the verse…here,” Pat threw in during the bridge.

“Oh yeah that’d be sick dude,” Garrett nodded. “Definitely bring it in earlier.”

They all looked at me expectantly.

“No yeah I’m on board with that,” I nodded, looking up from my feet where Lucas sat, with some random teddy bear. If he was in a good mood it didn’t take a lot to distract him, although I could sense he was getting bored when he kept tugging on my jeans. “I definitely get what you mean.”

“I think we’re just about done with Lovely Sad then.” Pat commented as he rearranged the track. “Which brings us to…”

I groaned as they all looked at me. “I know…”

“Dude, you’ve been holding off on this song for a while.” Jared commented, sending me a look.

I shrugged, rubbing the back of my neck. “It’s…I don’t know, it’s kind of like how These Four Words was for me.”

Okay now their looks turned to worry.

“Not like that,” I said quickly, assuring them. “Not like that, but...”

“Is it about Leighton?” Garrett asked, sinking back into the couch. “Like Four Words was?”

I shrugged and nodded. “They’re always about her in some way or another.”

“Well dude if she can handle These Four Words, she should be able to handle No Windows.” Kennedy assumed. He was right. She should be able to handle this after handling one of our most successful singles being about how I ‘didn’t love’ her.

That is, assuming she’d heard the song.

I hesitated on an answer. “I uh…I didn’t tell her it was about her.” I mumbled, pulling my leg out of Lucas’ grasp.

“She had to have had some idea. You guys were struggling back then.” Garrett pointed out. It’s funny how much we know about eachother’s relationships no matter how much I wanted to keep private.

“She uh, kind of hasn’t heard it.”

I really didn’t like all these looks I was getting. The tugging on my jeans wasn’t helping either.

“How the fuck has she not heard it?” Garrett frowned.

“Dude!” I snapped. They knew not to cuss in front of Lucas. Luckily he missed it.

“Sorry,” he blushed, “but come on, that’s ridiculous that she hasn’t heard it before.”

“I gave her a studio copy of the album that didn’t have the song on it and I’ve never played it live if she’s been at a show.” I explained. “I didn’t want to hurt her.”

“You’re an idiot.” Pat scoffed, “Like seriously?”

I threw him a look. “It was easier than admitting that that was about her.”

“But No Windows is about her too, there’s not going to be a way around this- she’s going to find out about it.” Kennedy stated.

“D-dada I wanna see m-m-mama,” Lucas whined.

“We’ll see her in a few hours,” I mumbled to him before turning back to the guys. “I guess I was hoping by the time she finds out about Four Words, it’ll have been a while so she’ll know I don’t feel that way anymore.”

“Whatever dude, that’s your mess.” Garrett declared.

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Anyway, give me some time with this one. I’ll figure it out.”

“I think we should move onto Raining in Paris, that’s my favourite,” Jared commented, “we should definitely go ahead with what we were talking about yesterday.”

The boys revised Paris from what we’d changed in our last session, but I was still stuck on those two songs. Was Leighton going to hate me once she realises that song was about her, if she ever heard it? Surely she’d understand that it wasn’t necessarily me falling out of love with her.
It gave me the worst kind of anxiety and the worst part was, I couldn’t talk to her without breaking her heart over it.

“D-dada I’m bored,” Lucas whined loudly.

I sighed, pulling him onto my lap. “You need to keep quiet Luke, we’re working.”

“N-no you’re not- y-you’re just talk-talking.” He mumbled.

“Lucas,” I warned, sitting him on my knees before immersing myself in the conversation.

“Dude if you need a break, we get it.” Jared said sensitively.

I shook my head, much to Lucas’ dismay. “No it’s fine.”

“We’re going to leave you the demo of Room With No Windows so you can sort that out,” Garrett said, “but we’ll re-track Paris today, hopefully get it finished midday tomorrow.”

“Awesome,” I nodded, balancing Lucas on my knees as I reached for the notebook in front of me. “I’ve also been working on this last one.” I said, chucking the notebook to Kennedy. “I don’t have a name yet.”

“I thought we agreed on four songs.” Pat mused, raising an eyebrow.

“It can’t hurt,” I shrugged.

“Dada…” Lucas whined again, this time tugging on my shirt.

“Lucas,” I snapped, shoving his hands away, to which he retaliated by hitting me. It was on the chest so it didn’t hurt, but I was still angered. The guys look surprised, a few of them hiding smirks. They thought Lucas showing me attitude was hilarious because I went all dad mode on him. Mind you I probably would have been the same if it was Kennedy or Jared with their kid, but actually being the one with the kid, I didn’t find it entertaining at all. “Lucas I’m warning you- you’ll be in big trouble if you don’t stop acting like this.”

“Y’know you should’ve called, Lydia’s off today,” Kennedy threw in. “She could have taken him.”

“I didn’t want to put anyone out,” I mumbled, standing and carrying him over to an empty chair by the corner. “Sit still for half an hour and then we’ll take a break, okay?”

He frowned at me and crossed his arms angrily.

“Okay? Lucas answer me. Tell me you’re going to be good-“

“Shut up!” He yelled.

My eyes widened. “What did you just say?” I scoffed.

“Sh-shut up!” He fired again; clearly he had guts like I did.

“That’s it.” I muttered, lifting him up. “You’re in big fucking trouble.” I snapped, heading for the door of the studio. I heard a few of the guys gasp, like they wouldn’t have expected me to cuss in front of him. To be honest I shouldn’t have.

“Dude-“ Garrett tried.

“I’ll be five minutes,” I threw at them before dragging Lucas into the hall. I was so over his shit. I didn’t deserve to be humiliated by my two year old in front of my bandmates. “What is wrong with you?! Why are you being like this!?” I yelled, hoping to scare him a little.

He burst into tears at the get go and tried running away, but I grabbed his arm tightly to stop him from going anywhere. “L-let g-g-o!” He cried, using his other tiny hand to shove me away. I never thought I’d be fighting a little boy in a corridor outside the studio. I should never have brought him with me. This was definitely the last time.

“Lucas,” I barked, kneeling in front of him. “Answer me!”

“Y-you’re s-s-o m-mean!” He sobbed. “I w-w-want m-mommy!”

“Do you really think mommy would want to see you when you’re like this?” I scoffed, “No, I’m not going to take you to her when you’re being a baby.”

“M-n-ot a-a-a b-b-aby!” He screamed, his stuttering getting worse.

“No? Then why are you throwing a tantrum?!” I snapped. I’ll admit, I’d forgotten to take my medication- the mood stabilizer, so I was probably overreacting slightly. Not a lot, but a little.

“I said. I w-want. Mommy!” He yelled, throwing a hand out to my face. He caught me in the eye and it stung with pain.

“Fuck!” I hissed, covering my eye with one hand and using my other to yank him forward. “You don’t hit!”

Jared poked his head out. “Dude, what’s going on?” He hissed, keeping his voice down.

Lucas struggled out of my grip and ran behind Jared’s legs, screaming and crying.

I sighed, knowing I’d done more than scare him.

Jared lifted him into his arms, trying to calm him down. “I suggest you call Leighton and sort this out man. Look at him.”

I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to look at his scared little face.

“I’ll be five minutes.” I sighed, standing and heading out through the back door, phone in hand.

I needed to let off this steam and taking that out on my kid in front of my friends and band mates clearly wasn’t a good idea.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

I thanked everyone for their work today before heading out to my car. I guess my days were just a series of ups and downs emotionally. John had called me two hours ago, rambling on about how the stress was getting to him and he shouldn’t be around Lucas when that happens. I panicked but he calmed me down as he told me what had happened at the studio.

I was all for disciplining Lucas when he was being naughty, but I went about it differently than to how John went about it. For example, I didn’t scream at our son so much so that he burst into tears and wanted to run away. John could get loud (being a vocalist) without realising and he often yelled that little too much that was enough to scare Lucas. He didn’t mean it and I knew his heart was in the right place, but it was beginning to become a worry if this kind of thing was happening.

I got home before John did, so I used that time to shower and start preparing dinner. I know he’d want to calm down in his studio and I was willing to do that. I actually wanted to have a talk with Lucas about being more sensitive towards his father in hopes of actually changing his behaviour.
Whilst I was in the kitchen, I heard the door unlock and went to greet my two distressed boys, frowning when I only saw John.

“He’s in the car, he won’t let me touch him.” John sighed, clearly exhausted. I noticed the scratch above his eye and my own widened. It was even starting to swell.

“What happened?” I gasped, reaching up to touch it.

“He lashed out at me. God it was embarrassing Lei, all the guys could hear- he told me to shut up. In the studio.” John scoffed, his anger rising. “I took him out and-“

“Shh, calm down,” I murmured, kissing him softly. “Go get some ice and I’ll grab him. I’ll speak with him.”

“Thank you,” He sighed, kissing my forehead before handing me his keys and passing me.

I headed outside to his truck, to find Lucas strapped in and still crying. I unlocked the truck and opened his door, my heart breaking as he reached out for me.

“M-mama!” He sobbed, making grabby hands for me.

“Hey baby,” I cooed, unstrapping him and lifting him out of his chair. I held him tightly as I locked John’s truck up and headed inside. “Calm down, c’mon it’s okay, you’re okay.” I told him gently, rocking him as
I closed the front door. “You’re alright darlin’.”

“D-dada-d d-a-da-da m-mean,” he whimpered, soaking my tank top with his tears.

“No he’s not bubba, he just got mad at you today. Come on you want some milk? Will that calm you down?” I asked, taking him into the kitchen. “Hey baby?” I cooed, sitting him on the bench and pushing his hair off of his face.

When he saw John by the refrigerator he screamed and wrapped himself around me, clinging onto me for dear life it seemed. Although still mad at him, John seemed hurt by his actions.

“Hey come on now Lucas, you’re a big boy aren’t you?” I murmured, prying his hands away from me. “You’re okay, don’t be silly.”

“N-n-o d-d-dada.” He sobbed.

“Can you get his milk?” I asked John quickly, before returning to my son. “Lucas? Lucas I want you to stop crying, and take a deep breath for me. Can you do that for mama?”

It took a little while, but eventually his crying slowed down and he was just taking shaky breathes with the occasional whimper.

“Come on baby, you don’t need to cry in front of mommy and daddy.” I pouted, rubbing his back. “You’re a big boy, aren’t you?”

“D-dada called me a b-baby.” He whimpered.

I shot John a look as he handed me Lucas’ milk in a sippy cup. I handed it to Lucas and tucked his hair behind his ear.

“You were acting like a baby at the studio.” John said firmly, as he held a bag of frozen peas to his face.
That seemed to anger Lucas and he covered his ears, pulling his ‘angry face’ at John.

“Hey come on now,” I sighed, pulling his hands away. “Don’t be mean to daddy. Look at what you did to him today- John show him.” I said, ushering to John’s face.

John hesitantly pulled his hand down to show his swollen eye.

“Good.” Lucas frowned.

My eyes widened. “Lucas!”

“I’m going to take a shower.” John sighed, before heading off down the hall.

I turned back to Lucas, feeling sympathetic for John. I was now beginning to understand Lucas’ shitty behaviour. “Lucas that wasn’t very nice. You really hurt daddy today.”

“He h-hurt me,” Lucas mumbled, taking sips of his milk.

“Daddy didn’t hurt you, he was telling you off for being naughty. You don’t say ‘shut up’, that’s bad words Lukey, you know this.” I scolded. “When you behave naughty, you get told off.”

“He sc-scary.” Lucas said quietly.

I caressed his cheek. “He doesn’t mean to be scary- Lucas, daddy gets really sad sometimes, and when he gets sad, he can go into a bad mood, which means he doesn’t want to deal with you being naughty. He’ll be a bit meaner or scarier but he doesn’t mean to. Daddy loves you, he just shows it differently.” I explained, the best way I could. It was tough explaining depression to a two year old. I never thought I’d have to.

“I don’t like the way he loves me.” Lucas pouted.

That broke my heart, like, big time.

“Lucas you shouldn’t say that,” I said, feeling myself get choked up as I stood in front of him. “He’s doing the best he can. Your daddy needs a lot of love to be happy. So it’s up to me and you to give him that love.”

“But mama he hurt me.” Lucas frowned, holding his arm out.

My eyes widened when I saw the slight bruising on Lucas’ left arm. I know John hadn’t meant it, but it still hurt to see. “Daddy did that?”

“He grabbed m-my arm, b-but uncle J-Jared saved me.”

What exactly happened today?

“I’ll talk to daddy about that, okay?” I nodded, kissing his forehead. “Let’s you get you ready for dinner-”

“I’m not hun-hungry mama.” Lucas said, shaking his head.

I raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

Lucas nodded, letting out a yawn. “I’m t-tired.”

“Alright sweetheart, lets get you ready for bed then. You can talk to daddy in the morning okay?” I said as I carried him down to his bedroom. I needed to talk to John about those bruises, and it seemed like we needed to go back over his parenting skills. This could not be happening.

I changed Lucas into his pajamas and tucked him into his little bed, kneeling beside him to kiss him goodnight. “Your daddy loves you Lucas. Don’t forget that.” I whispered.

“Loving daddy is hard.”

I bit my lip. “It isn’t baby. You just have to be understanding to his feelings. He doesn’t…he doesn’t feel the same way you and me do.” I said, wondering if that made any sense to him.

“Oh okay.”

I guess it did.

“I will love him harder then.” Lucas said through a yawn as he closed his eyes.

“I love you so much Lucas,” I sighed, kissing his forehead. “Sleep well baby boy.”

“Lah y-you mama.” He murmured, before falling to sleep.

I kissed him again before leaving his room, leaving his door slightly open like he had it every night. I leant against the wall and let out a deep breath.

I can’t believe I thought these emotions were gone once he left rehab.

***

JOHN’S POV

When Leighton joined me in bed after dinner, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She only wore my ASU sweatpants and a cropped top, but she was the most gorgeous human being I’d ever seen. Even with the messy hair and the thick framed glasses. I couldn’t believe I’d been calling her mine for what was coming up to be five years. I didn’t deserve someone so…stunning. It was hard to even believe she gave me an even more perfect son.

“What are you looking at?” She chuckled, climbing into bed beside me.

“You.” I admitted bashfully.

She rolled her eyes playfully before sitting cross legged and turning to me. She had a pile of books in her hands and I groaned loudly. “We’re doing this, John.”

“Can’t you just tell me how to do better?” I sighed lazily as I laid down.

“No. We’re going to analyse the situation and find out ways to improve your parenting and self-control when it comes to discipline. I’m not going to be the one who yells at him while you watch. We do this together or you don’t do this at all.” She said firmly.

That was something she’d always said to me. From when I’d freak out about having a baby to when I’d let my illness get in the way of taking responsibility. If we didn’t do this together, I wouldn’t get to do this at all. There was no half-assing being a parent to our only child.

It wasn’t that Lei didn’t have faith in me, because she did. She believed in me when I went to rehab and when I began to learn how to deal with memory triggers and phobias I’d developed over the years. So far I was doing well on the PTSD front, and I was proud of myself. I never thought I’d be so reliant on my girlfriend and I never thought I’d ever have a kid, but I was beginning to accept my life the way it was.

It was hard at the start when I had to learn that my family came before the band, after so many years of non-stop touring and partying. But I learned to do it and I learned to love it. Lucas was the light of my life, even though it was hard to believe most of the time. I was still as young as he is at heart and I was still as stupid as I was when I was a teenager, but I was also wiser as an adult, as someone who beginning to understand how the real world works.

And that’s a lot to get used to, and it could put me into severe panic attacks, but when I stopped every now and then, it got better. Lei had faith in me.

We just need to breathe every once and a while.