White Walls

Sometimes change is good, and for the best. But more often than not, even good change can be hard to handle. I’d learnt that the hard way over the past five years and it didn’t look like that was something that was about to change.

“Okay Hilary’s waiting for me, I have to go my babies,” I cooed, fixing my lipstick in the hall mirror before turning to John and Lucas who sat on the couch eating lunch. “Lucas, be good for daddy okay?”
I said as I walked over to them. I was going to Hilary’s for lunch this afternoon, leaving the boys home to themselves. It was probably good that they were going to spend that time together, in order to make up for what had happened the other day.

“You look gorgeous.” John murmured as I leant down to kiss him. I was only in a simple pink dress but I guess it was enough for him. I was wearing a jean jacket also, because I felt like my collarbones were too prominent and my elbows were too sharp. I didn’t want John to be able to tell there was something wrong-

“John!” I squealed suddenly, as he pulled me down onto his lap, placing his bowl on the coffee table. “I could have-“

“Oh you could have died, such a dramaqueen!” He laughed, kissing my neck and wrapping his arms around me. “Don’t go. Stay in with me and the baby.” John teased.

“I’m not a b-b-baby.” Lucas mumbled, playing with the teddy in his lap. His bowl was also on the coffee table, his habit of copying John showing through. I could tell John liked it though, and it sometimes made me wonder if we should have named him the sixth.

“Yes you are, you’re my precious little baby boy.” I pouted, pulling him into my lap. “I wish I could stay home with you two but I promised Hilary I’d go see her. She’s not doing too well.”

“I don’t blame her.” John nodded, patting my thigh. “Alright then, don’t be too long- and if you need me to pick you up, I can do that too, like if you drink-“

“Babe it’ll be alright,” I chucked, leaning down to kiss Lucas as I stood. “Be good for daddy Lucas, none of these tantrums okay? You do what he says.”

“Yes mama,” Lucas nodded, kissing me back. He liked to copy John and I so usually he’d just kiss us on the lips. I loved the feeling of his soft little lips on mine. I think John secretly did too, because they were such innocent little kisses from our little baby, whom was a full product of everything that we ourselves were.

I eventually said goodbye to them and headed out, closing the door behind me before running out to my car. She’d said to come to her place so she could put Alexandra to sleep for a nap on time and we could talk, instead of keeping her up if we were to go out for lunch.

It was a short drive over to her place, considering they didn’t live too far from us. When I got there, it was weird to see only her car in the driveway. Austin was almost always home, so I’d always have to park on the curb because of his car. I knew when I’d be going in that there would be an obvious absence of him around.

I took a deep breath before leaving my car and heading up to her front door, a bottle of wine in hand. I knocked and stood back, waiting patiently as I flattened out my dress. I was feeling confident about how I looked and I hoped it was enough for my weight to go unnoticed by Hilary. These constant comments from John were silently boosting my ego and I think I really needed that right now.

“Hey! Sorry about the wait.” Hilary greeted once opening the door, leaning across to give me a hug. She looked stressed, her ever so perfect hair, a mess. I could see this was really taking it’s toll on her too.

“No worries,” I insisted, following her inside. I closed the door behind me and made my way into the kitchen behind her, where I found Alex sitting in her highchair at the kitchen bench, making a mess of her food. “Hey baby girl!” I cooed, leaning down to kiss the top of her head. “How are you, cutie?”

She gurgled back at me, clapping her hands together.

“She’s getting so big,” I murmured, turning back to Hilary with the bottle of wine that she took happily. “I can’t believe she turns one next month.”

“I know it’s insane,” Hilary nodded, “do you ever feel like it’s going so fast? Too fast?”

“Oh all the time,” I nodded, rolling my eyes slightly at how much time was slipping away. “John thinks I’m just clingy, but you blink and they’ll be in college, y’know? That’s how it feels.” I accepted the glass she handed to me and took a sip. I wouldn’t be having much today considering I was driving home and it was only midday.

“Exactly,” Hilary agreed, putting a lid over her slow cooker and turning to me. “I mean she’s turning one. Look how much has changed, look how much has fallen apart.”

I sent her a look as she leant against the bench. “Don’t say that.”

“What? It’s true,” She stated, “we didn’t even make it to her first birthday.”

I sighed, looking at Alex. She was so naïve to her parents’ troubles and I could only hope it stayed that way until they figured it out. “You never know what could happen.”

“I think it’s pretty obvious what’s going to happen, Leighton.” She murmured, turning back to the stove.

“What do you want to happen?” I asked, curiously.

Hilary ran her hand over Alex’s short baby hair. “I want him out of the house. I think I even want a divorce.”

My eyes widened. I knew she was upset with him, but I didn’t know she wanted that. “You’re sober, right?” I asked in confusion. “You understand what you’re saying, don’t you?”

She nodded. “I do. But he’s a drunk, just like his father. I’m not having someone like that around Alex- there’s a reason he doesn’t speak with his dad, Lei.” She explained. She was doing what was best for Alex. I couldn’t ever see Austin hurting Alexandra, but then again I thought I could say that about John and myself three years ago. “As much as he hates it, he’s exactly like him.”

“Don’t you think a divorce would only make things worse for him?” I asked, “I mean it could make things worse and push him to drink more.” Personally I didn’t agree with her. If John turned into a drunk, I’d take Lucas away from him and force him back to rehab- I wouldn’t leave him, I’d help him. I don’t think leaving Austin was enough to push him to stop. Alcoholism wasn’t easy to give up, and clearly it was in his genetics.

“If he’s still the Austin I know,” she said softly, “if he’s still Alex’s father it’ll be a wake up call. He knows that I love him, but he also knows that we put Alex first, no matter what that means for us. He still slept with someone else, Lei. I can’t forget that.” She sighed, shaking her head.

“Do you think you could work through that?” I asked honestly. I’d forgotten about that part- the cheating only made it that more complicated. “I mean you could try couples’ counselling.”

“To be honest I think I just need time to reconsider our whole relationship.” She sighed, heading back to the cooker to turn it off and dish out our food. It smelled amazing- that was something else she was good at; cooking. She usually did the majority of the cooking at our Christmas or Thanksgiving gatherings. “He’s changed over the past few months, Lei. So much has changed- he used to just call me randomly during the day to tell me the stupidest and sweetest things. Now he doesn’t talk to me at all. He never used to drink around Alex unless I was with them and even then it was only one beer every now and then- now? He hasn’t put her to bed in months because he hasn’t been sober enough to.” She said, hissing the last part across the bench, as if Alex would understand.

“Tim was really losing it the other night.” I murmured, looking down at my meal she’d placed in front of me. She sat beside me next to Alex so she could keep an eye on her. “He was scared for Alex.”

“So was I,” Hilary nodded, looking over at her little girl. They’d named her after Austin’s sister Alexandra and I can’t help but notice how much their daughter actually looked like Austin and the women in his family. “I just remember him taking her from my arms and pushing me away- he’s never held her like that, Lei- he’s always been so protective and cautious, but…he just seemed like he didn’t give a damn if he dropped her. That hurt more than the cheating did.”

“Well it would,” I nodded, “no matter what, the kids always come first- when me and John get into arguments, we don’t let it come between us for the sake of Lucas, you don’t realise the things you do
for them.”

“Your whole life changes before you even notice.” She mused, nodding in agreement. I couldn’t help but
notice how…down she sounded about admitting to that. “I love my baby girl but I miss the days where…”

“It was just you guys?”

“We were in love.” She said simultaneously, pushing the food around on her plate with her fork.

My eyes widened. Maybe they had fallen out of love. Maybe getting back to where they were was harder than I thought.

“He slept with somebody while I was pregnant.” She stated, her voice shaking slightly. “He won’t even tell me who or why. He just kept saying sorry, over and over again.” She winced as she went through it all in her head. “He’d been acting weird for a long time, the past few months he’s been drinking more and more- we don’t sleep in the same bed and haven’t for the past four months,” she admitted, a blush rising to her cheeks. “He only told me a few days before the party. Since then we hadn’t spoken. We lived together but we didn’t speak unless it was about Alex.”

“Was he drunk when he told you?” I asked.

Tears filled her eyes as she shook her head. “He was completely sober. I knew something was up because he’d put Alex to sleep and sat me down right here to tell me. He just said ‘you’re going to be upset and you’re going to hate me but I’m going to be honest with you right now’, that’s the one time I’ve hated him for being honest with me- that’s the only time I’ve ever had that kind of emotion for him- it hurts to hate him, Lei.” She sighed, wiping her eyes.

Her tears tugged on my heart and I pulled her in for a hug. “God I can’t imagine what you’re going through babe.”

“I mean just putting Alex out of the situation for a moment, it hurts me, y’know? He cheated on me. Now it feels like the last eleven months have been a lie, it’s like every happy moment we’ve had as parents has been fake to him.”

“I’m sure it hasn’t though,” I insisted, “you know he loves Alex. He probably thought he could put it behind him and never have to tell you. I guess his vow to be honest was too big to ignore.”

“But that’s the thing,” she frowned, sniffing slightly. “Honesty has always been our thing. If it was too big to ignore- how could he cheat in the first place? How is that possible?”

“I honestly couldn’t tell you,” I sighed, pulling back. I downed some of my meal, an attempt at settling my stomach. I’m not gonna lie, I was nervous for what I was going to hear. “I’m so sorry Hil.”

“At the end of the day though, whatever I decide is for the good of my daughter. It’s not just cheating, it’s the drinking too. You saw him at Tim’s, he was a monster- I’ve never been ashamed to be his wife. Not once in our marriage or our relationship have I been ashamed of him. Now…god I can’t help but think I’ve made a huge mistake with him.” She murmured sadly.

“You didn’t make the mistake, Hilary. He did.” I said firmly. “All you did was trust him, he fuck-messed it up.” I said, stopping myself in front of Alex.

Hilary chuckled a little. “You’re just like him, you know he has a sailor’s mouth. He’s always accidentally doing that in front of her too.”

“So you’ve kicked him out?” I brought up carefully.

She nodded with a sigh, taking a sip of her wine. “I can’t spend time with him and I don’t want him around Alexandra. Not until he gets sober.”

“Are you going to fight him on custody?” I asked, a mouthful of meat. God she was such a good chef.

“I’m going to talk to him when I see him next, tell him that he’ll see her when I says he does. If he can’t accept that, I’ll take him to court.” She nodded.

“I never thought I’d hear you say that,” I admitted, running a hand through my hair.

“I never thought he’d tell me what he did.” She said simply, pushing her half eaten plate away.

“You’re taking care of yourself, though?” I murmured.

She sent me an ‘are you serious’ look, eyeing me up and down. “You’re joking, right?”

I bit my lip, looking away quickly. “I-“

“Am losing weight again? Yeah, I’ve noticed.” She interrupted. “Oh and let me guess, John still doesn’t
know.”

This time it was my turn to send her the ‘are you serious’ look. “Why would I tell him? He’s got enough on his mind as it is-“

“He’s always going to have that on his mind, Leighton. You know that. His illness doesn’t cancel out yours. Your health matters too.” She said firmly, before turning away to wipe Alex’s face.

“I know that,” I sighed, “but I can deal with it by myself.”

“I wouldn’t call dropping weight like it’s nothing dealing with it,” she mused, “I mean, I still haven’t had time to tone my body after having Alexandra.”

“I can’t help my metabolism- look if it’ll get you off of my case, I’ll book an appointment with my doctor.” I scoffed. “You’re invited.”

“Well thank you, I’ll be there.” She said smugly. “I’m sure John must be noticing.”

“Not really,” I mumbled, kind of surprised he hadn’t really picked up on it yet, apart from the chest thing. I voiced that to Hilary and she couldn’t help but squint at my chest. She was just like Austin.

“Y’know what I think he might be right,” she stated, looking up at me. “You used to fill that dress out more.”

I frowned, looking down at my chest. “It’s that noticeable? Great, they were my best feature.” I muttered, crossing my arms. “Look, I just don’t want John thinking about it now, or worrying. I want him to be done with the recording and enjoy his and Lucas’ birthday. It’s not fair to dump it all on him then- it’s his twenty-eighth.”

“Oh speaking of which, I don’t think me and Alex will be able to make it,” Hilary winced, pulling her daughter out of her high chair and into her lap.

I sent her a look. “You cannot ditch me at my babies’ party. I’m going to need your help!” I cried dramatically.

“Lei, I can’t go if Austin’s going to be there. He’ll most likely be drinking and I want to bring Alex but it’s just not a good idea-“

“Austin’s not invited,” I frowned, like it wasn’t obvious enough.

She raised an eyebrow. “He isn’t?”

I shook my head with a shrug. “It’s not just what’s going on with you two- well it mostly is- but he still hasn’t apologised for what he said to me. He humiliated me in front of a lot of people.”

“I’m sorry about that,” she sighed, “he can be crude when he’s drunk.”

“Don’t apologise. I’m sure John wouldn’t want him there either.” I stated, waving it off. “I don’t want people getting drunk- it’s still Lucas’ birthday too.”

“You’re right.” Hilary nodded. “Knowing this, I promise we’ll be there, if not earlier to help set up.”

“Thankyou,” I chuckled, “I appreciate it.”

I know it was hard for Hilary to go to group events without Austin and I know she was just as embarrassed because almost everybody knew about what had happened. Apparently when she’d told her own mother, she was criticized for ‘putting her heart before her daughter’. I guess her mom must have missed the part where Austin was a drunk, or the fact that he’d cheated.

We had a good talk over the bottle of wine, but I made sure not to go too deep because before I knew it, I’d be unable to drive home. When I finally did get home though, it was around two thirty, meaning Lucas should be down for a sleep. I quietly made my way in to the loft, closing the door behind me, checking it twice out of habit. Putting my keys down on the kitchen bench, a smile pulled at my lips as I heard John’s voice coming from his studio, accompanied by the piano.

He’d gotten a lot more confident with that particular instrument over the years and I was incredibly proud of him for overcoming that fear. We were lucky with his recovery, even though he was still on medication for his two illnesses. He could be suffering with a lot more mental and psychological damages from his experience as a seven year old and quite frankly he may not have even made it through his teenage years. I was forever thanking God for my blessings to have a moderately healthy boyfriend and an amazing little boy.

I made my way down the hall, stopping in to check on Lucas. I closed his door quietly, before heading towards John’s studio. “Babe?” I called out in advance. He stopped singing and the piano came to an abrupt end as I opened the door.

He turned around in his chair and gave me a weak smile. “Hey darlin’. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I figured Lucas would be asleep so I didn’t want to wake him,” I said softly, entering the room and walking over to sit in his lap.

He threw his notebook across the desk and wrapped his arms around my waist. “How was Hilary?” He asked softly, kissing my shoulder.

“She wants to divorce him- she’s pretty certain,” I sighed, kissing his temple.

“Shit, I spoke with him earlier and told him everything would be okay.” John mumbled.

I frowned, pulling back. “Austin was here?”

John shook his head quickly. “No I rang him, to see how he was doing. Apparently nobody has called him after the other night. To be honest, I feel sorry for him. He’s got nobody.”

“Isn’t he staying with Tim?” I asked.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean Tim is talking to him.” John shrugged, kissing my cheek. “He’s a mess, Lei.”

“I don’t have sympathy for him,” I mumbled, moving my hands to his hair. “You need to wash your hair tonight, babe.”

“I need to colour it too.”

I nodded quietly and leant against his chest. I needed to tell him. I needed to tell him about the medication and the weight I’d lost. I needed to be honest with him-

I became distracted when his lips found my neck. “John-“

“Can I just say, you look really good right now. I mean you always do, but I don’t think you get enough credit for how good you look, baby.” He smirked, his hands wandering.

He thought I looked good. He hadn't called me that in a while. Baby.

“John-“

“M’just saying, for a mom…damn.” He chuckled.

I rolled my eyes playfully, swatting his shoulder. If he was happy with how I looked, he didn’t necessarily need to know what I was going through. Maybe I’d tell him when he started to notice, because I really didn't want to shatter this bubble and ruin it for him. If he couldn't see it and he thought I looked good enough to be this...intimate so often, I certainly wasn't about to shatter that concept.

“You’re going to be a bad influence with a mouth like that.”

“On who?” He smirked, biting at my earlobe, sending shivers down my spine.

“I-I don’t know…” I groaned, burying my face into his neck. My train of thought was derailed the
moment his lips started moving. I definitely wasn't going to be bursting any bubbles right now.

I think I’ll pass on what happened next.