White Walls

“Babe we should really get out of bed,” I murmured as I laid on my side beside John. I ran a hand through his hair, pushing it off of his fore head. “We have to go see your parents.”

“I don’t want to leave this bed.” John mumbled, his eyes fixated on the baby lying on top of his shirtless chest. Lucas was only in a diaper and was fast asleep on John’s chest, a natural state for him. He was only a few months old but the love in John’s eyes for him would have made you think we’d had him for even longer. I didn’t think it was possible to love a human more but each and every day I was proven wrong.

“I know and neither do I, but we’ve been cooped up in here ever since we got home from the hospital.” I sighed, caressing Lucas’ back, being considerate of the scars from his surgery.

“To be fair, I’ve been at therapy sessions and group meetings- you’re the one that hasn’t left this place.” John said as his eyes travelled around our relatively new home.

“Okay and who goes out to do the grocery shopping?” I scoffed, swatting his arm.

“You.” He mumbled, sitting up and cradling Lucas in his arms.

“Support his head,” I murmured, reaching out instinctively.

John’s hand beat me to it and a small smile tugged at my lips. “I got it.”

“Yeah, you do. You’re so good with him.” I said softly, sneaking in close to press an innocent kiss to his lips.

“That’s only because of the classes I took in rehab. And everything you taught me.” He shrugged, pushing the credit onto anyone but himself.

“It’s called instinct.” I stated, rolling my eyes at his selflessness. “It means you’re a good dad, John.”

He sent me a look before leaning forward to kiss me back. “You’re a good mom, Leighton. Thank you, for not giving up on me.”

“For better or worse.”

***

JOHN’S POV

“So how did it go with the songs?” Jared asked as he walked into the quiet studio. I’d asked him to meet with me earlier this morning, so we’d have time to talk. He kept me level-headed these days (like he always had) so I relied a lot on his advice and our deep conversations to guide me when I was struggling with something. He was probably the only person apart from Leighton and myself that knew so much about our relationship.

“Alright,” I nodded, “I uh, I’ve finished Visions.”

“Was that the one you showed us last week?” He asked, accepting the book as I fiddled around with the computer.

“Yeah, it’s kind of the second part of Four Words.” I explained, sitting back to wait for him to give me his thoughts. “I mean it’s a rough draft so-“

He held his hand up to stop me as he read. I guess my nerves were showing. I sat there in front of him playing with my hands, that couldn’t stop shaking. I think this recording process was even more nerve wracking than the last, which was saying a lot. Recording Forever Halloween was definitely the hardest emotionally and psychologically, but this new EP definitely challenged me now that I’d overcome all of that. It was exhausting, to say the least.

“You had me worried there,” Jared scoffed lightly, handing me back the book. “This one isn’t so bad, I think she’ll handle this one well.”

“You think?” I asked, looking up with a sigh of relief.

Jared nodded. “I like it. I’ve got a guitar part in my head for it already, dude.’

“That’s sad,” I laughed, shoving him playfully. It felt much better hearing that response from him and I couldn’t help but feel like that was one less thing I had to worry about now.

“So what about No Windows? That’s the one I wasn’t so sure about.” He brought up, sending me a knowing look.

I sighed and turned the page, before handing it back to him. “Just…god don’t judge me too hard.” I mumbled as he sat back to read the rest of what I’d come up with. This was the one that had been keeping me up at night.

“Yeah if I was Leighton I’d probably be crying by now.” Jared hummed, sending me a look. “I mean, ‘you can’t make me smile’? Really? You’re gonna break her heart, man.”

I cowered away, looking at my hands.

“John, you cannot call her stupid- or a child, my god. Dude, this is divorce material.” Jared sighed, dropping the book onto the table and sitting back with a sigh.

“I didn’t say stupid-“

“It’s the same thing.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Do you really think that matters?” He stressed, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know about this one man- it indicates that you guys are having trouble, or even worse, you’re going back to how you used to be.”

I winced at his revelation. Was I going back to how I used to be? I sure as fuck hoped not. I couldn’t go back there and I wouldn’t, for the sake of Lucas and Leighton. How did I expect to keep her as my wife one day if I couldn’t even keep my sanity?

“Look dude, if this is how you feel, by all means write it down, make a song out of it and record it, but maybe keep it in the archives. I just think that putting this negative shit out there, it’s not going to make your situation any better.” Jared said wisely.

He had a point there. But I was never one to curb my songs just because of the repercussions. I voiced this to him but he didn’t buy it.

“You’ve got a family now, man. You’ve got a son- when you have a kid you make your relationship work around that. You make it work for your kid. There’s no such thing as ‘breaking up’ with Lei anymore. There’s so much more than you two to think about.” He stressed. “Sure, Lucas isn’t going to understand your songs, but he’s going to understand that his dad doesn’t love his mom.”

“I do love Leighton,” I said firmly. “I love her so just…don’t say something like that.”

Jared raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? Than why are you writing songs like this?”

“I don’t know man, it’s how I feel.” I sighed, losing my patience. I didn’t know how to explain my fucking mind. I thought everyone got that when I broke down in the parking lot three years ago.

“You’re not happy?”

“I’m depressed, what can I say?” I mused. “Depression only lets you be happy for so long.”

Jared nodded understandingly. “All I can suggest, is that you talk to Leighton about how you feel before any of these songs leave this studio. You don’t want her overhearing them before you have a chance to talk.”

“It’s just hard sometimes because of Lucas. Am I…am I a bad person because I miss the old days?” I asked quietly, ashamed to even look at him. “Before Lucas was around?”

Jared sighed, and I felt a hand grip my shoulder tightly. “Of course not dude, it’s completely normal. It doesn’t mean you love him any less. To be honest I’m not surprised you’re saying this after what happened last week.”

My head shot up. “Oh god, don’t even start with that. That was humiliating.”

“Dude, it’s the terrible twos.” Jared chuckled. “Can’t say I’m looking forward to it, though.”

I narrowed my eyes, somewhat surprised by his words. “What do you mean…”

A smile graced his lips. “Surprise?”

My eyes widened. “You sly dog…”

“Hey, at least we got married first!” He laughed.

“Oh god congratulations,” I laughed, pulling him in for a hug. “Holy shit, man!”

“I know, that’s what I said!” He exclaimed, although the smile on his face told me otherwise. He was stoked for this baby and I knew he was going to be an awesome father. Hell, he was a better dad than me and he didn’t even have a kid yet.

“When did you find out? You didn’t say anything on Saturday!” I said, shoving him as I sat back in my chair, revelling in his good news.

“We wanted to wait until she was officially eight weeks,” Jared shrugged, “just to be safe. But yeah, I’m gonna be joining the dads’ club.”

“It’s not as glamorous as it looks.” I smirked.

“Oh because you make puke and tantrums look glamorous.” Jared scoffed.

“Well hey we should get a beer to celebrate.” I suggested. “I know Lei is gonna freak when she finds out.”

“God you should have seen Parker,” Jared chuckled, shaking his head. It was obvious he was trying to downplay his own excitement, a typical move of his. “She started crying. At first, I thought she didn’t want it.”

“Oh bullshit, you two are going to be amazing parents- you’ve been ready for this since our first sex ed lesson.” I joked, nudging him. “But seriously man, I’m so happy for you guys.”

“Thanks man, I am too.” He chuckled happily.

Hopefully this wouldn’t give Leighton any more ideas about having more kids.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“I’m home! Lei-“

“Lucas is sleeping!” I whisper-yelled as he came into the kitchen. I could see him over the railing of my upstairs work area. “You’re home early.” I said softly, my focus returning to my screen in front of me. I wanted to spend time with him, but I really had to get through all of this work. It was a Monday and I was working from home today, which actually meant I needed to do my work, regardless of who else was home.

“Yeah me and Jared got through three songs today.” He nodded, stopping halfway on the stairs to maintain eye contact in our conversation.

“That’s great babe.” I mumbled, pushing my glasses further up my nose as I squinted at the screen. My eyes were beginning to hurt after looking at this damned screen for the past three hours.

“Yeah…so uh, have you spoken to Parker recently?” John asked, sounding a little deflated with my response. I felt bad for my lack of conversation but I needed to get this work finished for Tim by the end of the day. There was so much going on at work for me but I still felt it was important to be around for Lucas, even if that meant I was entertaining him from my desk all day.

“Not since Saturday.” I shrugged. “Why?”

“They’re expecting.”

I looked up immediately, my eyes widening at his words. “A baby?”

John nodded, a smile pulling at his lips. “Yep.”

“Oh my god!” I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth to cover my smile. All plans of focusing on my work went out the window as I ran over to John to engulf him in a hug. “Oh my god Jared and Parker are having a baby!”

He let out a laugh as he wrapped his arms around me. I’d missed that laugh- it felt good to hear that genuine laugh. “It’s crazy, isn’t it?”

“I can’t believe it.” I nodded, leaning up to kiss him. “I mean it’s about time, but it’s still a huge surprise.”

“They’re so ready for it though,” John nodded, “I mean you could tell he was excited about it.”

“They’re going to be such good parents,” I sighed happily, leaning up to kiss John. Okay, maybe it was the lingering jealousy from Eric and Jac’s engagement announcement that had me kind of…jealous of these guys too. It wasn’t that I necessarily wanted another baby, it was simply that they were married first, they’d done it all in order. I still felt an unexplainable dissatisfaction because we were only still ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’. Even after five years and a baby.

Call me selfish, I couldn’t help it.

“So we’re going out tonight to celebrate, just to the bar.” John stated, pulling away to head downstairs. “That okay?”

“Yeah that sounds good,” I nodded, sinking back into my chair as I watched him disappear.

“Cool. I’m gonna go wake the little man up, I need a player two for Halo.” He mumbled to himself before he completely disappeared from my eyesight.

And there I was yet again, left with that stupid empty feeling as I sat with the jealousy of my best friend’s joy and happiness.

It seems not a lot has changed over the past three years.

***

JOHN’S POV

It’s not like I didn’t notice the way Leighton was acting tonight. She may have been putting on a happy faced front, but underneath I could tell she didn’t want to be here. She preoccupied herself with Lucas in her lap, as he told her about anything and everything he could think of. She didn’t mean to be antisocial, but I knew that all this wedding and baby talk was only putting emphasis on where we were in our lives.

Was it so wrong that I liked being happily unmarried? I had Lucas and I had Leighton, shouldn’t that be all that mattered?

I don’t think it helped that Jac was asked to be the godmother.

It’s not like Leighton expects these things, but I know that she wants them. And why not? She works hard for them. She deserves the biggest of rings on her finger. She deserves to make me her husband. I just don’t deserve to make her my wife.

I snap out of the self-loathing and guilt when I feel Lucas crawl into my lap. Leighton excuses herself to go to the bathroom, Hilary following. I assumed they went to relieve Hilary of any emotional distress she was going through considering Austin was down the other end of the table by the guys. Even though they were going through some hard shit, she didn’t make a huge deal about him being here. Alexandra was at her moms apparently so Hilary had no issue with him as long as he kept his distance and didn’t speak to her. It looked like he was keeping his word, which was good of him, yet I could see him cracking with the rotten looks from the girls every few minutes. I mean I know he deserved it, but it was petty and I really felt for the guy-

“John,”

I looked up at Parker, who’d called my name and successfully pulled me out of my head. “Hmm?”

“Is she okay?” She asked softly, leaning across Jared who sat beside me.

“Who, Leighton?”

She nodded.

“She’s fine, why wouldn’t she be?” I frowned, leaning closer to Jared to talk to her quietly.

“She didn’t look well, she looked sick- she’s kind of thin. You guys are still eating properly, aren’t you-“

“Park,” Jared chuckled, rubbing her back to ease her questions. “She’s fine.”

“Sorry,” she mumbled, blushing at her outburst.

“It’s okay,” I chuckled, playing it off casually. “It’s the motherly instincts preparing for the baby.”

“I hope so,” she murmured, sitting back. I could tell she didn’t believe me, so I was thankful Jared was between us. Was I looking thin? I didn’t think so. I’d been going to the gym with Austin to get on top of myself physically, so I’d been getting fitter, not thinner. Her words left me waiting impatiently for Leighton to return so I could get a proper look at her, to see if what Parker was saying was true.

What was taking her so long in there?

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“Hilary…are you sure?” I gulped, trying not to let the tears escape my eyes. I couldn’t break down in front of her. Not over this.

She nodded firmly, sensing the tears and fanning at her own eyes. “It wasn’t an easy decision, but it’s what needs to happen. I just need to know that I’ve got your support.”

“Yeah of course,” I nodded softly, pulling her in for a hug. “I…wow. I didn’t think this day would ever come.”

“Neither did I,” she admitted. “So I need you in court in a few weeks. I don’t know the date for sure, but I need a witness as to what happened at the party. He’s already refused to seeing her when I’ve said so I’m taking him to court.”

“Does he know?” I asked curiously, “he didn’t look like a man that knew he would be getting taken to court by his wife.”

“Soon to be ex-wife.” She murmured.

My eyes widened. “You’re filing for divorce too?”

She sent me a look. “It’s not like I haven’t warned you. And yes, I am. I’m finding it really hard to love him right now and I don’t feel like trying when I have all of this anger towards him. All I want to do is be a good mother. That comes before being a good wife to that bastard.”

“That’s understandable,” I nodded, giving her a firm hug. “God I’m so sorry Hil.”

“It’ll be okay,” she sighed, “as long as I’ve still got all of you and my little girl, I’m going to be fine, Lei.”

“Ugh you’re so positive and you’re so strong. You’re right, we’re going to be fine. Of course I’ll be there.” I said, pulling away and wiping my eyes.

“Just like I’m going to be there for your doctors’ appointment tomorrow morning.” Hilary nodded, sending me a knowing look.

“Seven thirty, I know.” I mumbled, hoping she’d forgotten about that. I really wasn’t in the mood for more prescriptions or bad news. What I had was enough.

“It’s for your own good- and John’s, and Lucas’. It’s for the good of your family, Lei. You’ll be thanking yourself for this.” She pushed, knowing I was hesitant about going.

“I just…I don’t want to have to hide more medication from him, or have him find out about all the appointments.” I mused, looking towards the mirror and wincing at the prominence in my collar bones I covered them with my jacket, inspecting my body for any other visible bones. I guess sex would be off the cards until I put more weight on, if that did happen. Maybe I should ask for medication that would make me put on weight…

“I know how you can solve that. Tell him..”

I knew that morally she was right, hell she was right in every sense of the word, but I just couldn’t do that. It wasn’t that easy. He’d come so far and things were going so well between us. Damaging what we had worked so hard for didn’t seem like a good option right now. Especially not when his and Lucas’ birthday was right around the corner.

So that’s why when I went back out to my seat, I pushed a smile on my lips and greeted John with a kiss, letting him know I was fine.

We were fine.