White Walls

“Wake up. John wake up.”

I groaned loudly and rolled over, pushing her hands away. “Leighton, quit it.”

“John…” she whined seductively, continuing to poke me. “Get up!”

“Leighton!”

I was forced to acknowledge her antics when I was flipped onto my back and straddled, my hands held above my head. “What?” I mumbled, trying to wake up. I’m not going to lie, I was kind of turned on by it all.

“If you don’t let me have my way with you, don’t expect to eat your cake later on.” She said devilishly in my ear. She created goose bumps on my bare arms and chest, only making me shudder.

“By cake do you mean-“

“Uh huh,” she cut me off, before attaching her lips to my neck.

Oh my god.

“Happy birthday John,”

Yes. Happy birthday me.

***

“Happy birthday dear Lucas-“

“And daddy!” Lucas cut in, interrupting our singing.

“Thanks buddy,” I chuckled, rubbing his back as we sat around the coffee table that morning. Well, it was almost midday due to our…late start. “Happy birthday, to you!”

He started giggling as Leighton peppered him in kisses, a sight I never grew tired of seeing. Her love for him really was something else.

“Blow out your candles baby boy!” Leighton cooed, pinching his cheek.
Lucas took a deep breath and blew out the three candles we’d stuffed into a cupcake we’d gotten the night before. He waited patiently for Leighton to remove the candles before shoving it into his face and throwing all table manners over his shoulder.

“Slow down bub,” she chuckled, pushing his hair out of his eyes before looking up at me with a smile.

She’d been in a light and calm mood ever since this morning, which I kind of didn’t expect because she usually fretted over things like parties- especially if we were hosting them.

I leaned over and kissed her, feeling especially passionate towards her today. I don’t know what it was, but I was feeling really thankful for the two of them but I don’t think it had anything to do with it being my birthday.

“Happy birthday,” she murmured softly, pushing my hair out of my face.

I was so content and satisfied and happy with how everything was between us. I feel like yeah, maybe we could take the next step. Maybe my mom was right- maybe all of those insecurities were ridiculous and I was capable of making the next move. Maybe the only thing holding me back was the fact that-

You’re still on medication. You’re still depressed. You still have issues. You still have to see a therapist. What makes you think you could handle a marriage when you can hardly handle a two-year old’s tantrum?

I was still me.

***

“So, how’re you liking twenty-eight?”

I let out a laugh as I took a sip of my coffee. “I don’t feel the arthritis so I think we’re good, man.”

Austin rolled his eyes and shook his head, taking a sip of his own coffee. I’d offered him a beer but he
declined, due to the fact that he was trying to stop drinking so he wouldn’t look so bad in court.

“And how’s the little dude? I haven’t seen him in a while.” He commented, sending me a look. Oh yeah, Leighton wouldn’t let Lucas near Austin after what happened at the work party. I tried to fight her on it but she pulled the ‘bad dad’ card and shut me up. If she didn’t feel comfortable putting our son in the hands of one of my good friends I wouldn’t make her feel uncomfortable, no matter how much I disagreed. These are the type of sacrifices I’d learnt to make.

“Uh he’s good,” I nodded awkwardly, not wanting to properly bring it up. “He’s out with Lei right now, they’re picking something up for tonight.”

“Oh yeah, the party I was uninvited to.” He nodded casually, looking at me over the top of his mug.

I sighed and sent him a look. “It wasn’t my decision, you know that.”

“Nah I get it,” he shrugged. “Leighton has the shits with me about what I said to her. Oh, and she doesn’t trust me with your kid after I almost dropped mine.”

“Dude, we’ve talked about that. You still haven’t apologised.” I pointed out.

“I’ve tried to call her but she just screens my calls. It’s not my fault.” He stated, raising an eyebrow at me.

“I’m not getting between that. I’ve got enough shit on my plate.” I scoffed, raising my hands in protest. “You need to fix the relationships you’ve damaged on your own.”

“Let’s not talk about my failing marriage for five seconds. How’s it going in the studio?” Austin asked, changing the topic quickly. I could tell it was hurting him- all of the shit with Hilary. He didn’t like to show it too much (unless he was drunk), but what he’d told me the other night, proved just how willing he was to make things right with her, if only she was willing to give him a chance.

“It’s going alright,” I nodded slowly, accepting the request of a different conversation. “We’re lingering over a few songs, but we’re getting through it.”

“Yeah I was talking to Garrett. He said you wrote a mean song.” Austin smirked, sending me a look.

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head as I finished off my coffee. “Shut up, it’s not a mean song. Garrett’s being a dick about it because he’s having issues with Tate.”

“At least he didn’t call her stupid.” Austin pointed out.

“I didn’t say stupid! I said naïve!” I claimed, resisting the urge to hit him. “It’s not necessarily aimed towards Leighton, it’s…”

“Leighton’s the only girlfriend you’ve ever had.”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “I don’t know man, I’ve had a lot in my head the past couple of months and this is how I get it out…some of this stuff is exaggerated, some of it is old, some of it is-“

“Honest?”

“Therapist.” I said quickly, shaking my head.

He just stared at me. “Huh?”

Oh. That was a me and Leighton thing.

“Never mind. Anyway, it’s going well in the studio. We’re stuck on a tune for Visions, but it should be-“

“John!”

My head shot up as I heard Leighton’s voice through the loft. I heard Lucas’ feet run out towards the back door, where he slipped out and ran over to me with a smile on his face. I noticed he didn't stumble with his footing or his words, bringing a proud sense of relief to me.

“Dada the lady at the shops gave me a lollipop because it’s my birthday!” He exclaimed, holding it up in my face.

I lifted Lucas into my lap, setting my mug aside. “That’s awesome Lukey, did you say hello to Uncle Austin?”

“Hello!” Lucas giggled, before holding his lollipop out for me to unwrap.

“Hey little man, happy birth-“

“John why is-“ Leighton stopped at the door, her eyes narrowing when she saw Austin sitting across from me. I guess that answered ‘why is that asshole’s car in our driveway?’.

“I was just leaving,” Austin stated, standing from his chair and brushing himself off. Unfortunately he took Lei’s not so subtle hint.

“Dude you don’t have to-“

“Yes he does, Hilary’s coming over soon. You need to be gone.” Leighton mumbled, crossing her arms stubbornly.

My eyes widened. “Leighton.”

“I’ll show myself out,” Austin said, waving it off. He walked over and held his fist out, to which I pushed mine out, fist bumping his. “Happy birthday guys, I’ll see you soon man.”

“Thanks man.” I nodded.

He held his empty mug out to Leighton, who took it with a scowl. “There was no alcohol in that, by the way.”

“Wouldn’t doubt you for a second.” Leighton responded sarcastically.

“Always a pleasure, Johnson.”

With that he was gone and I had a pissed of girlfriend staring me down. Lucas was too busy with his lollipop to notice (or care). I hated that he called her that so obviously. It’s not like I didn’t have people telling me I should have changed her last name by now. It’s not like I didn’t pick up her hints, along with everyone else’s.

“Leighton that was rude.” I stated, wrapping my arms around Lucas.

“Mama so r-rude.” Lucas frowned, even though he had no idea what we’d just been saying, considering he hadn’t been listening.

“Lucas,” I scolded, shaking my head at him.

“He can’t be here when Hilary is. It’s as simple as that.” She stated firmly, like I should know better.

“All I’m saying, is that you didn’t have to speak to him like that. I don’t blame you for not liking the guy, but you could have spoken to him a little nicer.” I said carefully. Women were like grenades sometimes, one wrong move and it all blows up in your face.

Leighton was no exception.

She looked at me and sighed, walking over to us and leaning down to kiss me. “I’m sorry. It’s your birthday. He’s your friend.”

“I get that you’re uncomfortable around him and I don’t want to push anything, but maybe you should answer his calls every now and again.” I hummed, sending her a look.

“Ring ring!” Lucas squealed, lifting his hand to his ear, as if he was on the phone.

“He frustrates me,” she mumbled, rolling her eyes. “He hurt Hilary- he’s changed something in her John, and I don’t like that.”

“He slipped up- he’s trying to fix it though.”

“She doesn’t want-“ she stopped, shaking her head. “I don’t want to talk about that on your birthday.”

“Babe-“

“No,” she said firmly, lifting Lucas into her arms before sitting on my lap. “We need to talk about my wittle baby turning three!” She cooed, kissing Lucas’ forehead.

“Mama I-I big now!” Lucas cheered, clapping his hands together excitedly. I couldn’t help but laugh at his attitude. I was relieved Leighton pulled us out of that conversation and put the focus on Lucas. She was right; if we wanted to talk about this, we could do so later. Today, we were focusing on Lucas (well, Lei preferred the term ‘my babies’). I won’t lie, I was feeling a little sentimental towards Lucas turning three. He was my only little man and it seemed like he was growing up too quickly. I was starting to appreciate these younger years a lot more when I remembered how my teens went- I was not yet ready to deal with a teenage me.

“Too big,” I mumbled, kissing the top of his head. I threw back a laugh and looked up at the sky, unable to help getting a little teary.

“Aw…” Leighton pouted, “Is daddy getting sad?”

Daddy. It never got old.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“The party is here!”

I looked up with a laugh as Jac and Eric came through the front door, having let themselves in. A smile
spread across my lips as they came in, Jac too laughing at how ridiculous Eric was. “Hey guys, come on in.” I chuckled, greeting them with hugs before they moved on to greet Hilary.

“Where’s my birthday bro?” Eric called, placing a carton of Budweiser’s on the kitchen bench, along with a slim package that I assumed was a few records.

“Down there with Alex and Lucas.” I said, nodding towards the living room area where John sat on the rug, playing with Alex and Lucas.

“Dude I bought you this beer so we’re drinking early,” Eric declared, grabbing two cans and heading over to John. I was okay with him drinking tonight, it didn’t bother me. I myself was planning on having a drink or two, something to calm these damn nerves.

I only had one thing on my mind. By the end of the night, there was the possibility I could be engaged. To say I was nervous would be an understatement- but I had a good feeling about this, a really good feeling.

John looked over with a questioning look but I shot him a wink, letting him know it was okay. We hadn’t talked about the drinking that much because it wasn’t that big of a problem, and I didn’t feel like he was going to go down the same road as Austin. We were okay on that front, and I felt like we were
going to be okay on the rest of them too. We were finally going up.

I could only hope we’d stay that way.

***

8.42 PM, and the party was in full swing. The music was loud (enough not to damage little ears), people were having a good time, and everything was going to plan. John may have had a drink or two, but he still kept in mind that it was also Lucas’ birthday and we needed to stay level-headed enough to keep an eye on him.

I was constantly greeting family and friends, whilst trying to make sure drinks were refilled and food was on time. It was a tough feat but I managed to keep it together with Hilary by my side. She figured I was just stressed out because I wanted everything to be perfect.

That was partly true.

It was also partly true that I was nervous about later on, when the party was over and everyone had gone home, when John and I would finally be getting some time alone. To say I was nervous would be an understatement-

“Boo.”

I jumped slightly at the voice in my ear, apparently I had a lot more nerves than I thought.

“Sorry babe,” John chuckled in my ear as he wrapped his arms around my waist. “I’ve hardly seen you tonight.”

“I’ve been trying to keep this party afloat,” I chuckled, reaching up to kiss him quickly. I’d ditched the heels for tonight, choosing to go barefoot as well. It seemed everybody else had done the same, leaving a pile of shoes by the back door. “I’m sorry I’ve been-“

“You’re doing a great job, no need for apologies,” he murmured, kissing my forehead. “Just promise me a dance later?”

“I can do that,” I smirked, kissing his cheek. He’d caught me during the off second I didn’t have Lucas in my arms, as. “But right now I need to make sure nobodies’ thrown up in the bathroom and that the cake Hilary picked up was the right one.”

“I love it when you talk mom to me,” he teased in my ear, planting a kiss just below.

“Not here…” I groaned, pushing him away slightly. “Babe seriously your parents- my parents are here.”

“Fine,” he huffed, squeezing my hips, “I’ll meet you in the kitchen later then, I’m expecting that dance, Leighton Johnson.”

“And you will get it,” I laughed, kissing him again quickly before I headed inside, where I found Hilary in the kitchen, taking a call. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop as I checked on the cake (which was thankfully what I had ordered) and made sure everything was in order, but when I had a feeling I knew who was on the other line, I became curious.

“I get that- that has nothing to do with me so don’t expect my sympathy…I didn’t do anything so don’t you dare start accusing me of- well fuck Austin, no wonder she feels like that!” She snapped, trying to keep her voice down as she noticed me in the kitchen. She mouthed a ‘sorry’ at me, and I gave her an ‘it’s okay’ nod before heading down the hall to the bathroom. I could sense she wanted to be alone and I didn’t want to push it any further.

I headed down the hall to give her some privacy, considering it sounded like an intense phone call and I didn’t want to interrupt.

Of course, I made the mistake of walking into the bathroom when it was perfectly obvious (or so I thought) that nobody was using it. I mean who shuts the door when they’re in the bathroom? But to be honest I wasn’t surprised when I found Garrett and Tate making out against the shower.

They were startled upon my unannounced entrance, as was I on their secret hideaway. I was also kind of grossed out because his hands were up the skirt of her dress and hers were dangerously close to the buckle of his belt holding his already tight jeans together.

I raised an eyebrow as they rushed to make themselves decent. “Why bother? We’ve been friends for years.” I shrugged casually. Unfortunately I was all too comfortable with walking in on my friends.

Tate rolled her eyes. “It wouldn’t hurt to knock-“

“It wouldn’t hurt to lock a door- let alone close it!” I retorted, crossing my arms. “Is my party too much of a bore for you young, free lovers?”

“It’s hard to keep up with the old age.” Garrett smirked, wrapping his arms around Tate from behind.

“Yeah Nickelson? Step out from behind your girlfriend, we’ll see how tough you are then.” I scoffed, causing him to turn red.

“Alright, alright, we’ll go mingle.” Tate chuckled, taking Garrett by the hand and pulling him out of the room behind her. Like that wasn’t obvious what he was trying to hide. “We just might get lost on the way to the backyard.”

“I don’t care, just stay out of my little boys’ room!” I called, before closing the door behind me. I heard them laugh and couldn’t help but laugh too. It was hard to believe we had passed our early twenties and were heading towards the latter years. We’d all grown up a lot over the past few years and I couldn’t help but feel incredibly grateful for making it through them with some of the best people I know.

That included John.

I honestly don’t know how my life would have turned out if I hadn’t met him that day at the offices. It’s crazy to even think about what would have happened with us if I hadn’t taken the job from Tim, or even gone in at all that day. What I felt for him was indescribable- he was my backbone, and in a way, I liked to think I was his. I mean without eachother, we wouldn’t have created the most amazing thing to possibly ever happen to us.

“And that’s why you’re proposing to him tonight,” I told myself quietly, taking a deep breath as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. “Because you love him and he loves you and maybe he just needs that extra push.”

And you’re also going crazy, talking to yourself in the mirror.

I sighed and fixed my hair before heading back into the kitchen, to find Hilary moving about, now off the phone. “Hey, hope I wasn’t interrupting anything before.” I said nonchalantly.

“Oh no it’s fine, just him.” She mumbled, waving it off. “Don’t worry about it. He sounded kind of drunk on the phone.”

“That’d be good evidence for custody,” I mused lightly, only stopping when I realised how horrible that sounded. “Sorry, that was insensitive.”

“Don’t be,” she shrugged, “you’re absolutely right.”

“You okay?” I asked carefully, moving the cake onto a tray. She’d been quiet ever since she got here, but I hadn’t had the time to ask what was wrong.

“Some days I wake up wanting to forgive him, but I know in my heart this is what I need.” She said softly, looking at her hands. I felt my heart twist when I noticed she’d stopped wearing her wedding ring. I couldn’t help but notice that Austin still wore his. I wonder if he knew this.

“You could just get separated-“

“We’re all or nothing.” She spoke firmly, shaking her head at me. “That’s how we’ve always been and this doesn’t change that. I have no desire to fix things with a drunk cheater. It’s Alex over Austin. Always.”

“How are you so strong?” I scoffed, shaking my head in disbelief. She’d always been so independent, no matter how in love with Austin. It was kind of amazing to see how she’d managed to do that after all these years.

“He’s changed, I haven’t. I’m not strong babe, he just got weak.” She smiled sadly, ending the conversation there. That and the fact that John stumbled his way through the back door.

“Someone’s a little drunk,” I chuckled, walking over to help him to the bench.

“Hils do you mind if I have a moment alone with the birthday boys’ mom?” John smirked, wiggling his eyebrows.

Hilary let out a laugh. “Take all the moments you need, but speeches start soon so don’t be too long.”
She teased as she walked past us towards the door. She gave me a reassuring pat on the arm, her way of telling me that she was fine and I could stop worrying about her. I wouldn’t, but I’d try.

Or I could distract myself with the nerves of a proposal.

“Where’s Lucas? I haven’t seen him for almost an hour.” I frowned, my attachment to my little boy growing obvious.

“He’s with Jared and Parker, asking them crazy questions about the baby,” John laughed loudly, before pushing his lips onto mine. “Now I believe you owe me a dance, babydoll.”

“Oh god, don’t call me that,” I laughed, shaking my head. He really was a big old dork.
He wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head, sighing deeply, yet happily.

“Thank you for all of this. And thankyou for making it special for Lucas.”

“You don’t need to thank me.” I murmured, feeling myself getting emotional. “I’d do it all in a heartbeat.”

“I know you would, God I know you’d do it all over again.” He chuckled, pressing his lips to my forehead. “You’re fucking amazing, Lei.”

It was moments like these that made the idea of proposing seem like the easiest thing in the world.

***

JOHN’S POV

She was so fucking thin. I don’t know how it took me so long to realise this. I mean it was bordering on unhealthy- I could literally feel her hip bones protruding perfectly into the centre of my hands. She looked so goddamn beautiful but she also looked skeletal and I didn’t know whether that was because of the stress or whether she was going through something she wasn’t telling me about. I hoped to God it was the first and that she wasn’t keeping things from me.

Her dress was sleeveless and had thick straps, but they did little to hide her collarbones, so sharp I felt I could cut myself on them. How had I noticed her body so thin? We’d been getting a lot of alone time as of recently, meaning we had a lot of time to get intimate so I should have noticed something was up.

I just didn’t know how to tell her without offending her, or hurting her feelings. Girls were weird with emotions and I didn’t want to fuck hers up- not tonight.

So, I left it.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“Happy birthday, dear John and Lucas! Happy birthday, to you!”

John leant down over the table with Lucas in his arms, allowing him to blow out the thirty-one candles that covered their shared birthday cake. Everyone cheered, causing Lucas to beam with excitement, clapping his own hands and looking at me with a huge smile.

“I just wanna say thank you to Lei and Hils for making tonight happen,” John called over everyone, his voice slurring but strong enough to impress his parents (and mine). “And Lei, for giving me the craziest three year old I could have asked for.” He laughed, lifting Lucas onto his shoulders. “Lukey say thank you.”

“Thank you mommy!” Lucas squealed, causing everyone to laugh.

I fought back happy tears as John walked over and kissed me, as the party went back into it’s regular swing. “Happy birthday babe. And you too, little man.” I chuckled, looking up at Lucas.

“Happy birthday daddy,” Lucas smiled, attacking the top of John’s head with kisses.

God I just wanted to ask him then and there.

But I didn’t, instead I composed myself and spent the rest of the evening by the side of my boys, enjoying every moment of one of the best days of the year. John was right about feeling thankful on a day like today. It only proved just how good I had it, and how lucky we all were to be here. Things could have been so different if I’d broken my promise and given up on John, or if he’d given up on himself. We may not have the family that we do or the lives we live now. It put the struggle and that pain we experience back then into perspective. It was worth it in the end and if it meant getting the result we did, I’d do it all over again.

So maybe me proposing meant more to me than just wanting to get married. Deep down I knew I had more in mind than wanting to make things ‘official’ with John, or for Lucas’ sake. I wanted to do something that wouldn’t ever make him doubt my love for him. He’d been knocked down so many times the past couple of years but he always got back up on his feet. Seeing his strength over and over again reassured me that Lucas would grow up to be just as strong as his father, and that was all I could ask for.

***

“Yes I’m sure mom, I’ll tidy it in the morning,” I chuckled, leading my parents to the front door. My mom had insisted she help clean the backyard and the kitchen, and normally I would have accepted, but right now I had one thing on my mind and one thing only. Lucas was asleep and John was in his music room, having said goodbye earlier before throwing something down for a song.

There couldn’t have been a more perfect time to ask.

“Well if you need some help just call darling,” she pushed, sending me a motherly look. “I can’t expect you’ll be in perfect health tomorrow morning.” She hummed, catching on to the few drinks John and I had had.

I blushed. “We’ll be fine, really. You guys should get going.” I hinted, as we said goodbye at the door. I didn’t see them as much as I saw John’s parents, so I got why their goodbyes were a little longer than Jenny and Jay’s.

“Take care darling. We love you.” My father murmured before falling my mother out to their car. I waved goodbye before shutting the door as their car disappeared down the dark street. It was nearing one am, an earlier finish than I’d originally thought, considering our past parties used to carry on into the late hours of the morning.

Before we had kids, obviously.

I sighed happily, strangely content with everything even though the backyard was a mess and the kitchen bench was littered with empty cans and paper plates. I think it was because Lucas was sound asleep and the only noise heard was John’s, stumbling along with the piano. He’d muttered something about an idea for a song he’d been working on and had to at least record a rough demo in order to remember it the following day.

I made my way down the hall, my hands shaking slightly because of the nerves. I slipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out the small black box that contained his ring. It wasn’t cheap so it had been securely placed at the back of my top drawer, covered by my things but not too well that I forgot where it was or couldn’t find it, only well enough so he wouldn’t accidentally come across it. It really was a beautiful ring. It was a thick silver band with a cool design etched into it, something that really suited him. It was perfect for him.

I checked on Lucas first, making sure he was still sleeping comfortably and hadn’t woken up with John’s music. I smiled as I looked down at him, asleep with a little smile pulling at his own lips.

I went to leave his room but stopped at the door. I could hear the piano from the music room and couldn’t help but frown at how morbid it sounded. I attempted to shrug it off and headed for the room, but stopped dead when his voice mumbled through his words.

I could barely hear them, but they were there, and they made my blood run cold.

These four words don’t come easy…I don’t love you.”

I slipped the ring back into my pocket and raised a hand to my mouth as I passed the music room to get to our room.

I can't believe how fucking wrong I had been.