White Walls

“Hyper…hyper-what?” I frowned, unable to pronounce the word. Things were starting to slow down as she kept on speaking. It all felt too surreal.

“Hyperthyroidism,” Dr May explained, sending me a sympathetic look and handing me a brochure I didn’t look twice at. “Basically, it’s a disease that accelerates your metabolism and eventually, it stops you from gaining weight, something you’ve clearly started to do already.”

I blushed, but nodded. I knew I was losing weight, but I didn’t know it was now impossible to gain it back. “I mean I’ve noticed the few pounds, but I’ve always been just below the average.”

Dr May sighed, shaking her head. “Leighton I don’t think you understand how serious this is. This can cause you something called congestive heart failure. Have you heard of that before?”

I froze in my seat, slowly nodding my head. It only really set when she mentioned my heart. If my heart was fucked up I knew I was in trouble. Not only was it John and I that I had to think about, but Lucas was my main priority. I needed to be well enough to take him to school next year, or to get him out of bed every morning. There was so much I needed to be able to do, not just for Lucas but for work too. The company was only expanding- I had to be able to keep up with it all.

“If severe…you know what it could do to someone of your…health. That’s not something you want to risk, for the sake of your son.” She stated, sending me a knowing look.

My hands started to shake in my lap, so I moved then under my legs to sit on them. Death. Congestive heart failure could lead to my death. All because of some...some hypersomething.

“Hand tremors are a symptom of hyperthyroidism.” She nodded towards my poorly hidden hands.

“Great, I’ll never be able to feed my son again.” I scoffed, throwing them up in despair. “I can’t afford to have this…hyperwhatever- you have to have made a mistake, Dr May I can’t deal with this right now! It’s bad enough with everything else going on, I don’t need heart failure too!”

“Leighton,” Dr May stressed, leaving her seat to sit beside me, gripping my arm tightly. “Calm down, take deep breaths.”

I did as she said, feeling my eyes pool with hot tears. “I’m s-sorry. I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately.”

“I know sweetheart,” she sighed, rubbing my back. “You’ve been through a lot these past couple of years and you’re the last person that deserves this- but unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do but learn how to live with this. You can’t take it so negatively- given it’s not a positive thing, but you can’t let it bring you down. You’ve got so much to fight for, Leighton.”

I was just so tired of fighting, it was always me, fighting for everyone else. When was somebody going to fight for me?

“I don’t know if I can,” I whimpered, shaking my head pathetically. “I don’t know if I have it in me.”

“That’s nonsense,” she scoffed, sending me a look. “Are you the same girl that carried her son full term even when told it could physically harm her?”

I shrugged, wiping my nose on my sleeve. “Any mother would do that.”

“You were also twenty two and in one of the most emotionally straining relationships I’ve ever come across. Not to mention you run your entire department at work- you have so much you’ve achieved and so much to be proud of, Leighton. You’ve built a home for your family, a family that depends on you, a family that needs you. It may not feel like it all of the time, but they’d be lost without you holding it all together. You have it in you, Leighton- I wouldn’t doubt you for a second.”

I looked up at her, the words ringing in my ears. I’d said that to John the day we told my parents about me being pregnant. “I can’t let this disease get me- I have a son. Lucas is my whole life.”

“And we’re not going to let this disease get to you.” She said confidently, sitting up straight, forcing me to do the same. “You’re not going to let it. We’re going to switch around your medication and you’re going to change your diet to suit your metabolism. You’re going to get on top of this, okay? You can do this, Leighton.”

“You think so? I’m weak and frail.” I admitted, looking down to my stick thin limbs. “It’s getting harder and harder to hold Lucas.”

“And that’s exactly what’s going to push you to overcome this. You’re not living by this disease, you’re living with it.” She explained, gripping my hand tightly. “You’re stronger than what you give yourself credit for.”

I pushed my long hair behind my ear. “I’m going to do it. I’m going to get on top of this.”

“You’re not just doing it for yourself, you’re doing it for your family.” She smiled softly. “They need you.”
I’m going to be there the day Lucas steps into preschool to the day he steps out of college. I’m going to be there to watch him marry the girl of his dreams, and I’m going to be there to hold my first grandchild- and I was going to have the strength to do it. From now on I had to put my health beside Lucas at number one. They were my two main priorities, because without one, I wouldn’t have the other. My relationship with John wasn’t at the forefront anymore, and it sucked and I hated it, but it was the way it had to be right now in order for me to survive this.

I was going to be there to be a good mother for Lucas if it was the last thing I did.

***

JOHN’S POV

“That’s it! There you go bub,” I cheered, as Halvo threw the ball to Lucas, who successfully hit it with the baseball bat. I mean if we were playing a real game it would have been a foul, but I was still proud of him for actually hitting the ball.

“I d-did it! Daddy I did it!” Lucas squealed, clapping his hands together.

I ignored the smirk from Halvo as I lifted Lucas into my arms, kissing his cheek. “Yeah you did little man!” He thought Lucas was more like his mother than like me, if you know what I mean. He preferred baking with her than playing video games with me, he squealed a lot, and there was also the Bambi thing. I mean it’s not like he played with Barbies, he just…liked to dabble in more feminine things from time to time, which was fine by me, so long as he wasn’t getting into Leighton’s make up any time soon.

“Dada I’m tired,” he whined, tugging on my shirt. I noticed his red cheeks and called Halvo in for a break. I didn’t blame the poor kid, we’d been going at it for a good few hours by now and I couldn’t help but feel the burn too. We walked over to where our stuff was and sat down on the grass. I spread my legs out and Lucas sat between my knees, waiting patiently for a juice box. Once I’d given him one,
I turned to my best friend to ask him about his big day.

“So have you guys set a date yet?” I asked curiously. We hadn’t had a lot of time to talk about his wedding, what with everything going on in between.

“Yeah…it’s uh…it’s in a few weeks.” He nodded casually.

My eyes widened. “Wait, what?”

“I just wanna marry her dude,” he shrugged simply. “I don’t wanna wait for months on end. I wanna make her my wife right now.” He whined, sending me a look.

“I get that,” I nodded slowly, “but a few weeks isn’t a long time to plan a wedding.” I pointed out, leaning back. “You’ve already got a lot going on in the studio.”

“Yeah but it’s going to be worth it.” He insisted. “I mean, you’re not the only ones coming up to five years. I’ve waited long enough and I want my cake.”

I rolled my eyes at his analogy. “How long have you known?”

“Probably a year after we started dating.” He nodded confidently.

“Shit dude, you’ve wanted to marry her for four years?” I scoffed, “Why are you only doing it now?”

“Well I was gonna ask a few years ago, y’know, when we went away for Christmas? But you kinda…y’know, had your meltdown and went into rehab. Jac had a feeling I was going to ask but she…let me off in a way because she knew I’d want to focus on my helping my best friend cope with everything.”

He shrugged, looking at his hands. We never really got this deep when we were younger so I guess nearing our thirties was the time to do that.

I mean that didn’t stop me from feeling bad for being the reason they weren’t already married. They waited for me. I was that much of a pathetic mess that I’d affected my best friends’ relationship.

“She’s good to you man. Don’t mess it up.” I murmured, punching him in the shoulder. “I know you won’t.”

“She knew I’d want you as my best man, so it’d help that you weren’t in rehab, y’know?” He smirked, trying to lighten the conversation. He was probably the only person that dared to make jokes about all that, which I was okay with, because he was my best friend and it was a way of looking past all of that.

“Yeah, yeah,” I scoffed. “So hey, are you guys letting Austin come to the wedding?”

“Oh yeah,” Halvo nodded, “Jac’s close with him. Her mom already rejected her invitation so I don’t want take somebody else away from her, y’know? I’ll just make sure he’s not on the same table as Hil.”

“Or booze.” I mused, looking over at him. “Lei’s not keen on him either.”

“Yeah I figured when he didn’t show up to your party. She must’ve scared him off real good.” Halvo snorted.

“No she just told him he wasn’t allowed to come.” I said simply. “She doesn’t want him around Lucas.”

“Oh shit, I had no idea Lei had those kind of balls.” He laughed, shaking his head.

“You have no idea, dude.” I chuckled, watching as Lucas crawled away from us with the baseball in hand.

“So what about you two, huh?” He pushed, leaning back on his hands. “Any…grown up plans in the near future?”

“You’ve asked me this before-haven’t you asked me this already?” I grumbled, rolling my eyes. “I’m pretty sure you’ve-“

“Well if you stop avoiding the question, I wouldn’t have to keep asking you, idiot.” He scoffed, leaning over to punch me in the shoulder.

“Dude fuck off,” I muttered, low enough to go unheard by Lucas, who was a good two feet away from us by now. “It’s not as easy with us.”

“That’s such a bullshit excuse man, you could have proposed so many times already.” He stated cockily.

“Right and how many divorces would that equal up to?” I scoffed, shaking my head.

“That’s why you don’t want to get married? You think it’ll end in divorce?” Eric frowned, his tone of voice too serious for my liking. “But it’s you and Lei, man.”

“Yeah but our relationship isn’t as stable as everyone else’s okay? I’m on medication and mood stabilizers- it’s not that I don’t think we’ll last, it’s that there’s pressure to be like everyone else. You think Jared is on anti-depressants? Or Tim is on mood stabilizers?”

“God he needs to be,” Eric scoffed, sending me the typical; ‘our manager sucks’ look. “I get that, dude. I get that with all your history you have a lot at stake but sometimes you have to take that risk in order to move forward. Don’t you think Lucas is gonna ask why his parents aren’t together like everyone elses?”

“Well if you all don’t have kids he won’t question it.” I shrugged ignorantly. I was starting to become more and more confident with this step forward and it only scared me because no matter how ready I thought I may be, what Austin said at the party was still ringing through my ears.

It all changes, man.

“Look man, I’ve got faith in you guys. So does everybody else- you know Leighton wants this man she puts so much into raising Lucas- and Jac’s been saying that she’s been really stressed out lately, maybe she wants this a lot more than you think.” He suggested.

Oh, so he knew what my girlfriend wanted? I guess I understood what he was getting at, but it frustrated me that he seemed to know more about Lei than I did, or that she told more stuff to Jac than she did me. I mean yeah, I haven’t seen her in a while because I didn’t come home last night but that didn’t mean she had the right to tell private ‘us’ things to her friends the second I left the house. I mean it’s not like I told Eric private…

“So what else did she say?”

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

Medication may cause reactions/side effects such as irregular nose bleeds, sensitive bruising, vomiting, dizziness-

I shut down the screen and dropped my head into my hands. There was no way I would be able to hide all of that from John. He’d start to notice something was up when our nose bleeds begin to follow the same cycle. I ran a hand through my hair as I left my desk to head down to the kitchen. I could do this. I was going to start the medication tomorrow and store it in my top drawer, a drawer that John didn’t necessarily frequent- a drawer that not only held secret medication, but secret engagement rings for men.

Yes okay, I was still a little bitter. I mean how could I not be? I woke up that morning thinking I’d be engaged by the end of the night. I should be in the honeymoon phase right now for crying out loud.
But no, instead I had to overhear my boyfriend’s wonderful song about how much he didn’t love me. I really picked a charmer.

“We’re home!”

I looked up as Lucas came running in through the front door, shortly followed by John. We hadn’t spoken since last night when he took Lucas to his parents for dinner and never came home.

“What time do you call this?” I asked lightly, gripping the bench for support. I was so exhausted after today, all I really wanted to do was go to sleep. Oh, did I mention I now had to record all of the key events of my illness? I now had weekly visits booked for my doctor, so she could monitor all of me progress. All we needed now was Lucas’ foot doctor to discover and diagnose some crazy illness and we’d become a ‘special case’ family.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he murmured, coming in to kiss me on the cheek as Lucas jumped up and down in front of me, trying to get my attention.

“Hey darlin’,” I cooed, lifting him into my arms and kissing his forehead. I soon sat him on the bench after becoming too heavy to hold in my arms only thirty seconds later. “What did you do today Lukey?”

“I hit a baseb-ball mama!”

“Did you really?” I gasped, putting on an excited front for Lucas. He seemed ecstatic to be doing something John was as equally as passionate about. It was a no-brainer that he’d grow up with a love for the sport- he had the same look in his eyes at the slight mention of it.

“He hit so many balls, I’m so proud of you, Lucas.” John chuckled, ruffling Lucas’ long wavy hair. It seemed we were all due for a haircut sooner rather than later.

“It was so much fun.” Lucas beamed, smiling widely at us. His crooked little smile melted my heart, the warm feeling that I’d been lacking all day finally returning. I was always so taken back at the fact that there were now two people in the world that could give me that feeling.

Well, one was starting to slow down in that department.

“Hey bub why don’t you go on down to the bathroom and get ready for a bath?” John suggested, lifting Lucas down from the kitchen bench. “I’ll be there in a sec- don’t touch the taps okay?”

“Okay daddy.” Lucas nodded, before skipping down the hall.

I watched John, who watched Lucas until he disappeared into the bathroom before turning to me. “How come you didn’t come home last night? You didn’t even call me.” I stated, crossing my arms as I leant against the kitchen bench.

“I figured we needed more space. I took Lucas over and my mom fixed him something right away. I wanted to give you more time, and then I ended up falling asleep on the couch with Lucas. By the time we got home, you would have been at work.” He explained slowly, resting his hands on my hips. Usually I liked that, but now…it felt so foreign.

“Okay,” I nodded quietly, looking down at his hands. I could have put a ring on there by now.

He sighed and pulled away, leaning against the fridge across from me. “What happened last night Lei? Were you stressed from work? Is that why you snapped?”

Oh that’s right, we were fighting before he left. I was so caught up in his dying love for me that I’d completely forgotten the fact that we were in the middle of an argument.

“You were two hours late,” I stated simply, looking up at him. “It’s not fair that I’m the one always working from home and you’re coming home later than you promised.”

“Alright, you’re right,” he nodded slowly, not making eye contact. “I said seven and I should have-“

“You said six. I expect you home by six, John. Seven is too late. You’re lucky Lucas was even up by then.” I scoffed, shaking my head.

“I can’t help late studio days.”

My eyes widened with anger and he looked like a deer caught between headlights. “Are you seriously still using that excuse?” I snapped at him.

“I-“

“Garrett goes home at six, why can’t you?!” I yelled, feeling my hands shake- well tremor, as Dr May so professionally put it. God I couldn’t wait to take my medication.

He flinched at the tone of my voice, looking back down at his shoes. “I’m sorry. I’ll talk to the guys and I won’t stay behind later than six.”

“And you need to spend more than just the weekends with Lucas. At least a full day during the week so he doesn’t actually forget who you are.” I scoffed, turning away from him to get a start on dinner.

“He’s not going to forget who I am,” he scoffed, clearly just as annoyed with me as I was with him. “I spent the whole day today with him, don’t speak to me like I’m neglecting my son.”

“I didn’t say that-“

“No but you meant it.”

No I kind of feel like you’re neglecting me more than our kid.

“Daddy I’m ready!”

He sighed deeply running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry about yesterday, okay? I’m trying, I really
am.”

“Okay,” I said quietly. “What do you feel like for dinner?”

I didn’t get an answer; he just walked down the hall, too frustrated to talk to me. I leant my head against the refrigerator door, unable to help the tears that filled my eyes. How did we get like this? I mean it was nothing new, we were just falling in to what we were three years ago. But this time, I felt like it was me that was falling apart.

***

Day One with medication and so far, I felt okay. A lot better than last night anyway. It probably had something to do with the fact that I was at a dress fitting with Jac, Hilary, Parker and Ashley, trying on bridesmaid dresses for the wedding in a few weeks.

I’d tried to bring Lucas along with me, but he was gone before I’d even woken that morning. Turns out John had taken him to his parents’ for the day while he went to the studio. I mean that was good that he was using his initiative, but I would like to see my son before I went to work every morning, if it wasn’t too much to ask.

“Okay guys, I’m pretty sure this is the one,” Jac called from the dressing room.

“Well hurry up and show us!” Hilary demanded, sipping on her champagne, given to us to indulge on as we tried dresses. She was surprisingly okay with all of this wedding business, which I didn’t think would be possible considering she was in the middle of a divorce.

Jac emerged from the dressing room in one of the most stunning dresses I’d ever seen. She looked amazing, so much so that I found myself tearing up just at the thought of what this dress meant.

“Y’know the silence is making me doubt this dress.” She prompted, looking at herself in the mirror. “I mean I can try on another-“

“Don’t you dare- Jac this dress is amazing,” Ashley said, her voice wavering. “It’s perfect.”

“Definitely,” Parker nodded in agreement. “I wish I wore this to my wedding.”

“You guys really think so?” Jac asked slowly, her eyes finding mine in the mirror. She gave me a ‘be honest’ look and I couldn’t help but lose control over the tears in my eyes. “Aw Lei…”

“You’re actually getting married, I can’t believe it,” I chuckled in disbelief, standing and walking over to her to pull her in for a hug. “I’m so happy for you babe.”

“Don’t, you’re gonna make me cry.” She whined, covering her face and causing the girls to laugh. “We’re pathetic.” She laughed.

“This is definitely the one,” I laughed, wiping my eyes as we pulled away. “No more- this is it.”

“Hopefully it’ll be the only one I have to buy,” she murmured in my ear. “Now let me see the bridesmaids dresses!” She said, clapping her hands.

I winced slightly as I walked into my designated changing room. I found my easily, considering it was the smallest sizing out of the four, with Parker’s being the biggest because she was pregnant and all.

Mine was the size 2.

To think that I was going to need to get it taken in didn’t worry me as much as it should have. If I worried, I’d have a panic attack, which could lead to a heart attack and possibly my death. The same goes for the whole ‘having a boyfriend that doesn’t love me’ thing. I wasn’t accepting it, I was just…putting it aside for now.

I pulled the curtain across behind me and winced at the reflection in front of me.

“Come on I want to see them!”

I rolled my eyes and pulled my dress over my head before slipping the pale pink dress on. It didn’t look that bad. I mean, I’d need to get almost half of it pinned and taken in at the back, but it looked okay from the front...if you squint and don’t look directly at my chest.

I heard the rest of the girls leave their changing rooms so I followed, hiding slightly behind Hilary, who was much taller than I was.

“Oh my god, I love them,” Jac gushed, covering her mouth. “You all look so gorgeous! And they fit well too- Park you’ll need to get yours altered depending on how much you’re showing by the time of the wedding, and Lei, you’ll need to try the size down.”

“Yeah I’ll also need a chair at the alter,” Parker smirked as she turned to the mirror. I was so jealous of how they all filled out their dresses. They were flattering dresses, don’t get me wrong, but for some reason Ashley, Parker and Hilary’s dresses looked a lot better on them than mine did on me. They were classy form-fitting dresses with a sweetheart neckline. Except Ashley and Hilary were about a size 6-8, with Parker at a 10, so it showed when the 2 I was wearing was slightly too big. “It should be okay, I won’t be showing too much.”

“God, I don’t want you messing up the photos.” Jac teased, shooting her a wink before turning to the rest of us. “Lei? How do you feel about yours?”

“I uh…I think it’s okay. Maybe I’ll get it taken in a little.” I suggested, holding the fabric from the back.
“I really think this size is okay.”

“Nonsense, Donna!” Jac called, summoning the shop assistant who was assigned to her appointment today. “Leighton over here needs the next size down.”

“Oh yes dear, and what size did you have on?” ‘Donna’ asked with a warm smile.

“I uh…a two.” I murmured, hoping they wouldn’t hear-

“No way, that’s a two?” Hilary scoffed, yanking the tag up to look for herself. “Oh wow, you’re not lying.”

“I’m afraid a two is the smallest size we have in the store.” The woman explained.

Cue awkward silence as everybody realises how disgustingly thin I am.

“I’ll get it taken in.” I said quickly.

“Yeah that should work.” Jac nodded with an awkward smile. “We’ll take them, thanks Donna.”

“No worries Jacqueline, just let me know when you’re ready to have them wrapped up.” Donna smiled before leaving the room.

“Leighton how on Earth is that a size two?”

Here we go…

***
JOHN’S POV

“I’m home!”

I looked up from where I was sitting on the couch with Lucas to see Leighton come through the door
with an oversized bag from the store I assume her dress fitting took place. “Hey darlin’, how was your day?”

“It was alright,” she shrugged from the kitchen. “I had to cram most of my work before lunch before I could go to the fitting, but it all worked out in the end.”

“And how did the fitting go?” I pushed, trying to get more out of her. She was starting to shut me out a bit after our fight, always acting distant, which I assumed was a result of me breaking promises and not coming home on time. So I was trying to make it up by picking up my slack and actually sticking to my word. Giving her more attention couldn’t hurt either.

“I have to get my dress taken in.”

Wow, thanks Lei.

“Mama grandma t-teached me how to write my n-name!” Lucas cheered, lifting up the piece of paper I’d only just stopped gloating about. It was a big achievement, what can I say?

Leighton looked up, her eyes widening as she rushed over to the couch. “Let me see!”

“Here!” Lucas giggled, handing the paper to her as he jumped up and down on the couch, dangerously close to falling into my lap.

“Oh my gosh, Lukey this is so good!” Leighton gushed, lifting him into her arms for a hug. I watched as she struggled, like he was almost too heavy to hold. It was weird, he weighed almost next to nothing, being a smaller kid. “I’m so proud of you! Daddy, aren’t you so proud?” She cooed, kissing Lucas on the forehead.

“Of course,” I nodded. “I think we should go out for ice cream after dinner, as a reward.”

She smiled softly at me, rubbing my arm. “I think we should too.” She leant down and kissed me on the cheek. “Mama’s going to take a shower, Lukey you help daddy with dinner, okay?”

“Okay mama,” Lucas beamed, dropping down beside me on the couch.

I watched as Leighton walked into the kitchen to stick the piece of paper onto the fridge, before grabbing her bags and heading down the hall to our bedroom. She was definitely a lot thinner than I realised. But her legs also looked really toned, so maybe it was a good thinner? Clearly I was back on her good side and I didn’t really have the desire to mess it all up again by asking the wrong questions.

She was fine. Leighton was perfectly fine.

***

I couldn’t even fill out the fucking dress.