White Walls

“Lu, eat all of it,” John murmured as he swallowed his own mouthful of pasta. Lucas wasn’t eating the same pasta as us, but a mac n’ cheese dish that was a lot more appealing for kids. “Daddy wants to see all of that gone.”

Jac sent me a smirk from across the dinner table. She’d always loved seeing the boys’ protective sides come out, especially John’s. She thought it was ‘adorable’ how fatherly they could be. Austin was no exception- even with an eleven month old, seeing him as a relatively new father brought back a lot of fond memories of John as a new father. Jac was right- it was adorable.

“Yuck yuck,” Lucas pouted, shaking his head and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Well with words like those, he’ll be writing just as well as his father,” Eric smirked.

John flipped him off when Lucas wasn’t paying attention before turning back to the mini-version of himself. “Lucas, eat your dinner please. Mama made it special.”

Lucas let out a dramatic sigh before picking up his spoon and shovelling the pasta into his mouth.

“Good boy,” John nodded, before returning to his own meal. I liked how he handled things with him-

That was before Lucas leant over and spat his food right onto John’s plate. My eyes widened and I looked across the table to see Eric trying not to laugh. He could be a bad example sometimes without even realising it.

John had had a rough day with Lucas, let alone week and I guess he took that as the last straw. He threw his fork down before looking down at Lucas. “Why did you do that?” He snapped.

“John,” I murmured.

“No, Lucas?” He pushed, “Answer me!”

Lucas frowned and looked away, crossing his arms once again. He did that a lot.

“Lucas!” John yelled.

Lucas’ bottom lip quivered but he didn’t respond.

“That’s it, you’re going to bed,” John scoffed, standing and lifting Lucas out of his chair.

Lucas started screaming as John took him down the hall, probably throwing punches at John too. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

“Terrible twos, we get it hun,” Jac nodded assuring me before I could apologise. “All kids are like that.”

“He’s just been really shitty to John recently,” I whispered, “He starts to take it personally.”

“Surely he knows it’s just a phase, right?” Eric insisted.

I shrugged. “This is the first time we’ve dealt with this- it’s new for the both of us.”

“Fair enough,” Jac nodded.

I heard John close Lucas’ bedroom door before he appeared through the doorway. “Everything okay?” I asked softly.

John nodded with a sigh, sitting back down beside me. “He’s over tired. He didn’t take a nap today so that explains a lot.”

I rubbed the back of John’s neck as he removed Lucas’ chewed up pasta from his plate. I know he was looking forward to a relaxing dinner tonight after a long week of the troublesome two year old. I felt bad that it’d been ruined with the saliva of what he sometimes liked to call the ‘demonic offspring’.

“Too bad he’s not old enough to get an accidental baseball to the groin, huh?” Eric joked.

John rolled his eyes with a smirk. “I know that worked in your family, more so to the head-“

“John,” I scoffed, elbowing him. “You would’ve thought you two had grown up by now.”

“You are right though,” John chuckled as he leant back in his chair, looking over at Eric. “As soon as he’s old enough for baseball, I get
my revenge on all this shit he’s putting me through.”

“That’s if he gets into baseball,” Eric pointed out.

“Of course he will; it’s in O’Callaghan blood.” John scoffed.

“So because he’s half O’Callaghan half Johnson he’ll half suck?” Eric smirked, bringing up my failure in the physical sports department.

“I will poison your food next time, Halvorsen.” I threatened. “I feel sorry for Jac, having kids who breathe through their mouth is going to be a nightmare.”

“Well I guess we’ll have to get used to it,” Jac teased, “I mean, that is the next step.”

John looked up, raising an eyebrow. “Next step?”

“What do you mean?” I pushed.

She draped an arm around Eric’s shoulders, exposing a large ring I’d only just noticed. She’d been using her other hand to eat and drink with, I hadn’t noticed she’d been hiding the other under the table in her lap.

My eyes widened at the size of the rock on the top of her finger. It was huge. I felt the thin ring around my neck and felt the jealousy radiate from John beside me. “You guys are engaged?!” I gasped.

“He asked me last night,” Jac laughed with a nod. “It’s taken so much not to call you as soon as it happened.”

“Oh my god congratulations!” I exclaimed, jumping up to hug her.
She embraced me with excitement as John and Eric hugged it out.

“Congratulations dick head,”

“Whataya say we have a double wedding? Go halves on the bill?” Eric scoffed. “But thanks dude.”

“We are not ever having a double wedding,” Jac scoffed as John hugged her. “It’s not about anyone else but me.”

Eric threw his hands up. “Of course, dear.”

I laughed as I kissed his cheek. “Get used to it babe, that’s the rest of your life right there.”

“I can’t wait,” Eric murmured before kissing Jac as we all sat back down.

“So how the hell did you afford that?” John asked curiously, crossing his arms as he leant back in his seat. He was so much like his son.

“I didn’t know so many people were keen on the Rocket reunion.” Eric chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. “Come on, you know how good touring is these days. 81’s booming.”

That’s true, we were bringing in so much in the merch department.

“Well it’s gorgeous,” I commented, taking Jac’s hand to examine the diamond. “Biggest I’ve ever seen.”

“Yeah I thought it was fake the first time I saw it,” she chuckled, leaning over to kiss Eric again. I don’t even want to think about how intimate they got last night. “We were at the diner we always go to and he just gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him,” she smirked. “So cute.”

“Took you long enough. I figured you would’ve done it ages ago.” John admitted.

“Like you can talk,” Eric scoffed, kicking John under the table. “Where’s her ring?”

“Right here,” I threw back, lifting the ring on the chain before dropping it beneath my shirt.

“It’s her call,” John shrugged. “Anyway, anyone want another drink?” He asked, as he stood.

We all shook our heads as John went to the kitchen and Eric and Jac made out a little more. But I sat there alone and confused about what he’d just said. My call? What was that supposed to mean?
It was up to me?

Jac and Eric left a few hours later, claiming they had breakfast with their parents to tell them the news. We congratulated them again before they left, but I could tell it put a weird vibe between John and myself. I closed the front door and migrated towards him in the kitchen, where he cleaned the dishes. I have to say, I didn’t think I’d ever see him so…domesticated. Even with a child

A child who was now asleep after his little tantrum.

“So I didn’t see that coming,” I mused as I came up behind him.
John nodded. “I thought he was going to do it when they went to Europe. First Austin and Hil, then Jared last year- now Halvo? Of all people?”

“Aw come on, it’s cute. He found the one.” I pouted, wrapping my arms around his waist and kissing his shoulder blade. “So did I.” I saw the blush creeping up the back of his neck so I pressed my lips behind his ear. It was a weak spot on the both of us.

“No, you found a ‘mean daddy’ according to Lucas,” John mused. “He told me I was meaner than you.”

My jaw dropped. “I am not mean!”

“Babe you make him eat fucking bananas,” John scoffed, turning around to me. He absolutely hated bananas and thought they were repulsive. “Oh, and that baby food when he was a first born? Come on-“

“He doesn’t even remember! And that’s because he was a baby!” I claimed, smacking him in the chest. He was just being mean now. Ha, I guess Lucas was right.

“Made me puke,” he smirked, “oh and it didn’t stop him from puking on you-“

“You’re literally acting like a twelve year old,” I scoffed, “and you know what twelve year olds don’t get?”

“Sex?”

I blushed. “Exactly. So goodnight, O’Callaghan.”

“Oh come on,” he chuckled, pulling me into his arms. “What if I made you another O’Callaghan?”

Wait, what?

“What?” I murmured.

“I’m sure you want another one running around, huh? A girl this time?” He teased.

Okay, so that wasn’t a proposal. Well, not the one I wanted anyway. For some reason I felt relieved and disheartened at the same time. Did he not want to marry me? Was he trying to distract me with kids instead? But it didn’t make sense- looking after your own human beings is a whole lot more serious then marrying somebody. Didn’t he want to secure everything with marriage? I know I sure did. I mean come on, he was turning twenty-eight this year, it was time to settle. Did he think he was going to find someone else? Oh god, he did.

“No way,” I shook my head. “Not for a while please.”

“Aw, no mini-Lei’s?” He smirked.

“I don’t want to go through that nine months again. That was hell.” I scoffed. “I mean it was worth it but no thank you. Maybe in a year or two.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty satisfied with how Lucas turned out,” John chuckled, “I’m happy with just one.”

“You handled him well before,” I put in with a small nod. “I know it’s hard having to discipline him in front of people but you did good.”

“I can’t believe he spat his food at me,” John laughed, shaking his head as he shut the water off and dried his hands. I looked at them.
I wanted a ring on his finger too. I wanted to be able to call him my husband. “Little shit that he is.”

“Come on,” I laughed, pulling him out of the kitchen and down the hall to our bedroom. “We’ll talk to him tomorrow, it’s Saturday so we’ll both be there.”

“He listens to you a lot more than he listens to me,” John pointed out. “That might help.”

“That’s only because you’re his dad and he thinks you’re so cool,” I stated, closing the door behind us. “His daddy’s a rockstar.”

“I want to get him onstage one night,” John said, pulling his shirt over his head. “Like, introduce him properly.”

“I think everyone knows about him babe,” I stated as I got changed into pajamas before climbing into bed. “A lot of your fans follow me on Instagram and I post pictures of you two all the time. They’ve known about me for years- they knew I was pregnant and they know you’re a dad.”

“I know, but he’s never been onstage.” John said, “that’s a big thing for me- I want him to grow up knowing how these things work and I want him to know about what I do for a living.”

“He knows you’re in a band,” I mused, unlocking my phone, shamelessly perving on him as he got changed in front of me. “He’s seen you guys play hundreds of times.”

“You think he likes what I do?” John asked as he climbed into bed next to me, his arms around my waist as he watched me check my Instagram account.

“Of course he does,” I nodded, “he loves going out on tour to see you.”

I updated my feed to see Eric and Jac’s announcement, and a few other posts. I really was happy for them. Was I a tiny bit jealous because they were going through the stages the conventional way? A little bit. Maybe it was just because we never planned on having a baby or weren’t ready at that point. It definitely wasn’t great timing, but we never regrated having Lucas.

“So what about this, huh?” He mused, glancing at the post of the extravagant ring.

“I’m happy for them,” I shrugged, looking up at him. “Aren’t you?”
John nodded. “Of course, he’s my best friend, but I think the ring is a bit obnoxious.”

I rolled my eyes. There was definitely a hint of jealousy. “Oh come on, it’s not a bad thing.”

“She’s going to get mugged and it’ll be all his fault. He should’ve gone for something smaller.” John scoffed arrogantly.

“What, as small as mine?” I threw back without thinking.

He looked at me, half hurt and half pissed off. He rolled his eyes and let go of me, rolling over so his back was facing me.

“John-“

“Goodnight Leighton,” he muttered, reaching over to shut off his lamp.

I felt the frustration course my body as I rolled over, away from him. I didn’t mean it, I was just annoyed that he wasn’t happy for his best friend. So what if Eric could afford a bigger ring? I loved the size and look of mine. I wasn’t jealous of Jac because my ring suited me- it was perfect for me. I shouldn’t have said that because I knew he was in a mood and winding him up would only make things worse.

Just because it’s been a few years since that downward spiral, it didn’t mean he was out of the woods from depression. He’d always have it, and I had to learn to deal with that. I’d also have to learn how to keep my mouth shut. That was a bad habit of mine- always feeling the need to wind up my boyfriend when he was in a bad mood.

Meh, I’ll deal with it in the morning.

***

Big mistake.

When I woke up, John was smoking on the door step yet again. I guess it was just something he did every day in order to calm his anxiety and balance his moods. Since being on heavier medication the past few years, he’d needed time to himself now and again in order to stay level headed. Having a kid was a lot harder on him than me because of his condition and I could respect that. He didn’t love Lucas any less and he wasn’t any less of a father, but it did challenge his emotions, sometimes good, a lot of the time, bad.

I came out behind him, taking a seat on the step above the one he had claimed. He undoubtedly heard me, but didn’t acknowledge me as I sat down. He was still annoyed with me, obviously.

I reached out and caressed one of the newer scars on his left hip. It was from a few months ago, when he was walking around the house without a shirt on and got his hip on the corner of the kitchen bench. Since then we’d had the corner sanded down so Lucas wouldn’t hit his head.

He didn’t even flinch.

“I’m sorry about last night,” I murmured. I didn’t care if I was caving- I owed him an apology. “I didn’t mean it- you know I love the ring.”

“I know,” he nodded softly, exhaling from his cigarette. “I mean you’re right though, it’s a tiny ring.”

“Is that why you were bitter over their engagement?” I asked softly, rubbing his shoulder.

He shrugged. “It’s embarrassing. That ring- what it holds is embarrassing. God the way I proposed to you back then was embarrassing.”

“It’s not your fault babe, I was the one that ruined it.” I pointed out.
“We don’t need to get into this-“

“No I think we do,” he nodded, looking down at his feet. “I’m sorry for snapping. It’s the medication- and I know you hate that excuse, but I’ve been taking the high dose as of recently and it’s just…it’s a lot more full on then before.”

“You didn’t tell me that,” I frowned, “Did your doctor tell you to do that?”

He nodded. “Dr. Adams said to take more because it would be more effective.”

“Okay,” I nodded slowly, “is everything okay?”

“I think so,” he sighed, throwing his cigarette into the ash bin and leaning back, finally making eye contact with me. “I’m going through some shit in my head, and…I’ll try not to let it interfere with us.”

“You can tell me these things, you know that,” I assured.

“I gotta call therapist on some things darlin’,” he murmured, “I know my depression gets to you too and I don’t want you to have to go through therapy again.”

“I’ll respect that you want to keep some stuff personal,” I nodded, squeezing his shoulder, “but remember we go through these things…as a family now.” I reminded him as I stood. “Speaking of which, I’m going to wake up Lucas for breakfast. You coming?”

“Yeah in a sec,” he nodded, turning back to the quiet street in front of us.

I nodded and headed back to the front door, only stopping when my name was called. I stopped and turned around.

“I love you Lei,”

“Love you too babe.”

***

“Lucas I swear to God you better get your ass in the bathroom!” I hear John yell from downstairs.

I sighed into the phone. “Hil I’m really sorry, I have to go.”

“It’s okay,” she sniffed, taking a deep breath. “He’s going to be home soon with Alex so I should get dinner sorted.”

“Is she staying with you two tonight?” I asked curiously. The past few weeks Austin and Hilary had been dropping their little girl off at Hilary’s parents’ house while they stayed home and…well, fought. Their marriage was beginning to go south and this was the third time she’d called me this week in tears over him.

“She is yeah, she’ll sleep in our bed with me. He can get fucked and sleep on the couch for all I care.” She scoffed. “Anyway, good luck with Lukey. I’ll see you on Sunday night, yeah?”

I nodded into the phone. “Will do babe, see you later.”

“Bye Lei,”

We hung up and I felt bad for leaving her when she needed to vent. When Tate and I were going through our non-speaking phase a few years ago, I remember how hard it was to keep my mouth shut at work, when really, all I needed was someone to talk to. I also remember how hard it was to live with John when I felt like our relationship was failing. I’d felt so alone those few months and not having anyone outside of my relationship to talk to really made it difficult for me.

I was about to go back to work, when I heard the yelling from downstairs. I sighed and got up from my desk, jogging down the stairs to find John grabbing Lucas by the arm, as Lucas tried to run away from him, tears streaming down his face.

“I’m losing my patience with you!” John yelled, his face red.

“John, calm down,” I snapped, “he’s two years old- he doesn’t understand you yelling at him.” I pulled Lucas out of his grasp and kissed his forehead. “It’s okay baby, calm down.”

“Leighton have you seen what he’s done to my fucking studio?” John seethed. “He drew on the walls with one of your fucking markers-“

“Don’t cuss in front of him,” I said, glaring at him. This was why John needed extra help in the disciplining department. He lost his cool way too quickly due to the constant mood changes. “That’s not how you raise a child.”

“Mama,” Lucas sobbed, clinging to my neck.

“He doesn’t deserve to be comforted when he’s done something like this, Lei. You’re too soft on him- give him to me.” John demanded, opening his arms. Lucas saw the gesture and screamed into my chest, leaning away from his pissed off father.

“John you’re scaring him,” I hissed, rocking Lucas slowly. “It’s okay bubby, you’re okay, shh,”

“You know what? Fine. If I don’t know what I’m doing- you deal with it. God I can’t wait to get back into the studio and get away from his shit.” John muttered, before heading down the hall to his studio, slamming his door behind him.

Something bad rose in my stomach as I stood there alone, gently swaying to calm my crying boy down. I couldn’t help but feel like this was only the beginning of another downward spiral. What got to me the most, was the memories from three years ago- back then it was only the two of us so he took it all out on me, he physically and emotionally hurt me.

I hated to even think it- but I didn’t want that to happen to Lucas.

I really thought we’d gotten through that. I really thought we were going to be okay.