White Walls

“Can’t I just take you with me?”

“No, John,” I chuckled, holding Lucas against my chest as I tried to coax John too actually leave. “It’s two weeks, than you’ll be home again. You need this, you need to tour.”

“Yeah but I need to spend every morning in bed with you two as well.” He hummed. “That’s more important- I don’t want to miss anything.”

“You’re not going to miss anything, babe. Look, right now he’s sleeping. Not missing a thing.” I smirked, leaning up to kiss him softly.

John reached out and caressed the back of Lucas’ head as he slept in my arms. I’d been trying to get him to go back to sleep since three am that morning, and instead of John going back to sleep and leaving me to put him back to bed, he stayed up all morning, even taking Lucas for a half hour before he had to get ready to leave. We’d only had Lucas for a few shorts months but I’d already decided that seeing John hold him to his shirtless chest on a cool Sunday morning was my favourite sight, hands down.

“I’m going to miss you so bad little man, yes I am,” John sighed, lifting him into his arms for one last hug as we lingered around the front door. “I’m gonna miss you too darlin’.”

“We’ll miss you too. I really wish you didn’t have to go.” I murmured, wrapping my arms around his waist as the familiar white van pulled up at the end of the driveway. “I’ve never hated my boss more.”

“I totally get how you feel.” John chuckled, kissing Lucas one last time before handing him back over to me. “God I’m gonna miss you more than I ever have before tour.”

“Well that’s a nice feeling for me,” I teased, kissing him again. “Now go before I realise what I’m losing for the next two weeks.”

“I love you, Johnson.”

“I love you too, O’Callaghan. Go.”

***

“And-and-and mama!” Lucas gasped over the breakfast table excitedly, “dada hit the ball so far! And Uncle Eric c-c-caught it with his face!”

My eyes widened as I looked over at John. “You didn’t…”

“It was an accident!” He insisted, before looking at Lucas. “Luke I told you- he didn’t catch it, he didn’t have his mitt up and it hit him. That’s why we always keep our mitt up.”

“Oh okay,” Lucas nodded simply. “But it was a g-good hit daddy.”

“Yeah,” John smiled cockily. “It was huh?”

I rolled my eyes as John sent me a smirk. “So you’re really liking baseball huh?”
Lucas nodded excitedly.

“Even more than baking with mommy?” John teased, squeezing my leg under the table. I froze in place, hoping he wouldn’t notice how you could practically feel my bones.

“Yeah!”

I pouted dramatically. “Don’t you love me anymore, Lukey?”

His eyes widened in alarm. “Yes I do!”

“How much?” John challenged.

“Super lots and lots!” Lucas insisted.

“That’s what I like to hear!” I chuckled, tousling his hair. “Alright mommy’s gotta get to work, you gonna be okay to take him to my mom’s?” I asked John.

“Yeah we’ll be leaving in a few minutes anyway,” John nodded, “hey Garrett called, said we’re all going out tonight.”

“Where to?” I asked with a slight frown.

“That new club downtown? Apparently there’s this Rolling Stones cover band that’s playing and he said they’re the best he’s ever heard.” He explained, sounding just as excited as I expect Garrett would have been when he shared the news.

“What about Lucas?” I murmured, nodding towards the little boy with his whole left hand in his cereal bowl. I wouldn’t mind seeing this cover band, but there was more to think about than just us two. “We can’t take him to a club. Also, it’s the middle of the week, it’s a Wed-“

“You don’t have work tomorrow, and I’ll ask your mom if he cans stay with them tonight. On our way into town we’ll take him dinner and pajamas and say goodnight to him. Works out fine.” John insisted, before reaching across to take my hand in his. He was beginning to sound a lot more domesticated these days. “I really think we should have a night together, darlin’.”

What, so I can forget about the fact that you stopped loving me last week?

“Yeah okay,” I nodded slowly, “We haven’t been clubbing in a while.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you in one of those dresses.” He winked.

I blushed, the lack of self-confidence seeping back in. “Uh yeah, I’ll see you later babe. Be good for grandma and grandpa baby.” I cooed to Lucas, kissing his cheek before leaving the table.

I grabbed my bag and headed out to my car, lugging another bag of samples and draft designs behind me. I really needed to go to the gym more because the weight of these bags was-

Oh. Right. It’s not that I’m weak, it’s because I have a fucking disease that won’t allow me to gain weight.

I threw my stuff into the backseat of my car before jumping into the drivers seat and exhaling deeply. Wow. I didn’t think walking down the driveway would tire me out so much. I groaned at the mere thought of going dancing tonight. Now it wasn’t just looking good for John, it was also the keeping up physically. We used to go out dancing a lot when we were younger, and we were still in our young years so I shouldn’t be slowing down just yet in his eyes. I couldn’t make it obvious that there was something wrong. I didn’t know how it was going to change the dynamic of ‘us’ and I wasn’t reeling to find out.

So, for the sake of ‘us’, he wasn’t going to be finding out anytime soon. I had too much pride to be the weaker one between us- not after all we’ve been through.

***

“So once we’ve got the approval on the intimates line from Tim, we should be good to head straight into production.” Tate explained, as she sat across from me in my office that afternoon.

“So are you going out tonight too?” I asked abruptly, sitting back in my chair.

Tate threw me a frustrated look. “Leighton!”

“What? Oh right, sorry…but are you?”

She crossed her arms and sat back in the chair, not answering my question.

I sighed, giving in. “Alright, alright I’m sorry. I’ve spent so much time recently with a three year old I’ve pretty much taken on his attention span. I’m sorry, I’m just…stressing.” I admitted, running a hand through my hair.

“I don’t blame you,” she mused, “Jac hinted that the dress fittings were a little…awkward for you.”

I frowned at her wording. What did Jac say? And who did she-I know people had their concerns, but was I beginning to become one of them? “What did she say?”

“Oh I just had lunch with her the other day because she wanted to know more about the Garrett thing I let slip last week, and we got talking about the wedding and she just mentioned that…you didn’t fit the size two.”

I froze as the last few words slipped out of her mouth, realizing just how noticeable my weight must be to my friends. “I think it was big sizing, and I’ve always been petite-“

“It’s still a fucking two, Lei,” Tate hissed across my desk, sending me a firm look. “You’re looking so much thinner than the start of the year, which I know can’t be good for your body, not with all you went through a few years ago, and with the pregnancy.”

“It’s just a metabolism thing,” I tried, forcing her to believe me. “You have nothing to worry about.”

“What has John said? Has he noticed?” She tested, crossing her arms across her chest.

“No, and don’t say anything to him!” I almost snapped. “I’m completely fine.” And not about to have a panic attack over this, deep breaths…slow, deep breaths.

“Leighton what is this really about?” She asked, narrowing her eyes at me curiously. “You’re acting really suspicious.”

“It’s all fine. Really.” I insisted with a sigh, not wanting to further the conversation into this newly discovered yet totally unchartered territory. I hadn’t even let Hilary know what happened at my appointment the other day and she was the one person I gave all of my secrets to. So no, it wasn’t ‘all fine’ but I currently didn’t have a choice on sharing the matter.

“Are you sure?” She pushed, clearly knowing better that I wasn’t being honest.

“Positive,” I nodded, faking the confidence act in order to try and sway her. “Now, let’s move on.”

Okay so maybe I was a little embarrassed, or ashamed about the disease. It just seemed like I was always hearing ‘poor Leighton’ this, and ‘poor Leighton’ that. I was so over being ‘poor old Leighton’! I’d suffered enough as it is when my closest friends knew what John was putting me through three years ago, and that felt like shit. I wasn’t about to go through that again, only with them pitying me for something I had.

Call me vain, but that was the truth.

I never used to be like this, I know that. But I’d changed a lot over the past few years since meeting John. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. For starters, I used to be a whole lot more independent than I am now. I didn’t rely on John as much as I do now. I made my own decisions and I had a schedule that didn’t revolve around medication refills or therapy appointments. I wasn’t so involved with the doctors of Arizona, per say.

But that all changed about a year into our relationship. God, I don’t even know how long it was until
everything changed. All I know is that it got really exhausting and angry when he first got diagnosed and sometimes (even these days) I find myself questioning why I never walked out before it all went downhill.

And sometimes, Lucas never even entered my mind.

***

By the time I left the office late that afternoon, we’d sent off the designs for Tate’s new line and I was currently in the process of going over the designs with Caleb for his line. We’d talked with Tim and expanded the idea, so that his line would be a whole new branch underneath the ‘8123’ group. He was ecstatic and enthusiastic for all of this, which kind of scared Tim and I a little, but at the end of the day, we knew we’d made the right decision.

I’d also gone through intern applications with Elijah, and we had four interviews prepared for Friday, out of which we’d pick a top two to be trained and taught by Elijah himself. We’d recently taken on a few more bands and photographers which meant more merch, meaning we needed a bigger and more attentive team to cater towards those needs. Now that Lennon had taken on the Lost Boys label and Jack and Layla were busy sorting the finances and the sending out of products, we’d decided it would be a good time to hire two more interns to work under Elijah. That way, everyone was happy.

“So I’ll see you tonight?” I asked Tate, as we walked out of the warehouse, leaving Caleb and Lennon to lock up as they decided to stay behind and brainstorm.

“Definitely, I need a night out to blow off some steam.” She mused, sending me a look.

“He still being an idiot?” I asked curiously.

“If by idiot, you mean himself, than yeah.” Tate scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Every time I try to bring ‘us’ up, he changes the topic or…shuts me up,” she muttered, crossing her arms. “He’s starting to piss me off.”

“Maybe you need to give him an ulta matim.” I suggested, stopping at my car. “Make him choose.”

“I think I’ve got more to lose than he does if I do that. I know what he wants, he just won’t say it.” She mumbled.

“And what do you think it is he wants?” I asked carefully, internally wincing as I understood what she was saying.

“He wants someone who can actually give him the future he deserves. He doesn’t want me forever, and that’s not his fault.” She shrugged simply, giving me a look. “Anyway, don’t stress about it, I’ll be fine. I’ll see you in a few hours, right?”

“Yeah, you will,” I nodded slowly, reeling with sympathy for her. God, she didn’t deserve this. “You still coming with Garrett?”

“Duh,” she chuckled, before getting into her car.

I rolled my eyes and waved her off before getting into my own and starting the drive home. I could never understand what went through Garrett’s head when it came to Tate. It’s like his love for her was bipolar- one minute he was distant and frustrated with her, the next…he was all over her. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in a while, but I think we were due for a catch up soon enough (okay so maybe it was just an opportunity for me to question his intentions with one of my closest friends).

When I got home, John’s truck was already in the driveway. I entered the loft quietly, to hear an old Prince vinyl on the record player in the living room. I found him at the dinner table with a bunch of bills and forms scattered in front of him. Over the past two years he’d taken on a lot of the financial stuff that I used to take care of. I was grateful to be relieved of those duties, but I think he was just satisfied because it gave him some sort of ‘upper hand’. I don’t know, he liked feeling like the ‘man of the house’, as any guy would.

“Hi babe,” I murmured, leaning down from behind to kiss his cheek. “What’s all this?”

“Money stuff,” he said simply, throwing me a displeased look. “Do you know how much bullshit our bank puts us through?”

“John, everybodies’ bank puts them through bullshit, it’s like…a thing.” I teased, placing my bag on the counter before grabbing a drink from the kitchen. “What time did you finish up at the studio?”

“Only two or three hours ago. I’ve kind of been letting all of this pile up, figured I should get onto it,” he shrugged, not bothering to look up at me. “Oh, I’m also opening a proper savings account for Lucas.”

I frowned, slightly irritated I wasn’t made aware of this prior. “What? We have an account for Lucas, with his college fund-“

“No this is actually in his name.” John explained, keeping his head down. “It’s like…to help him buy a car in fifteen years, help him move out or whatever, travel even.”

“Can we afford to do that?” I scoffed, shaking my head.

He raised his arm and pointed across the room, until my gaze fell upon a freshly saran-wrapped plaque that held a gold record above the familiar album artwork for the boys’ last album, Forever Halloween.

My eyes widened, shooting back to a smiling John. “You’re not serious…”

He jumped up and rushed over to lift me up, spinning me around on the spot. “We went gold, baby!” He confirmed.

“Oh my god John!” I squealed, pressing my lips to his, over and over again. “I can’t believe this! I’m so, so proud of you! Congratulations!”

“I’ve known for a few days but we weren’t allowed to say anything until it was all finalised by the RIAA. But…yeah, we went gold!” He laughed, kissing me back, ever so passionately. “It’s also why we’re going out tonight, we want to celebrate with everyone.”

“This is insane,” I chuckled, pulling him in for a tight hug once my feet were firmly on the ground. I won’t lie, that made me dizzier than it should have. I only hoped he didn’t notice how much lighter I was since the last time he did that. “I can’t believe it babe…you deserve it.”

“That means a lot, coming from you,” he murmured into my neck as he rubbed my back. “I’m sorry I’ve been so stressed about the new EP…I guess you can now see why we drive ourselves crazy over this.”

“Don’t apologise for doing what you love, babe,” I sighed happily, kissing him again. “I get it…so…how many albums is that exactly?”

“A shit ton.”

“A shit ton?”

“Times ten.”

***

I looked terrible. I knew it, he knew it, they all knew it.

We’d gotten to the club shortly after seeing Lucas at my parents’ house, where we found the rest of the group around a large bar table to the side. I winced internally when I realised it was the type of table you stand around, meaning no seats for when I could hardly hold myself up because I was so weak now. I flinched when I felt John’s hand on the small of my back.

“You look hot,” he murmured in my ear.

I blushed and nudged him, but inside, all I could think was liar. Liar. Liar. Liar. It was a lilac coloured mini dress, with cut out detail on the back. At the time I bought it, I was in a lot better shape, actually being able to fill out the dress properly. Now, you could see how sharp my shoulder blades and collar bones were. I didn’t look thin, I looked weak, and maybe paranoia was a side effect of the medication, but I couldn’t help but feel like they all knew it too.

When we got to the group, there were cheers in congratulations and drinks raised in the air, along with hugs and kisses of the sort. Hilary was there too, sitting by Jared and Tim, who both looked dateless tonight. She came over and greeted me, wrapping her arms around me.

“Stop freaking out, you look gorgeous.” She murmured in my ear.

“I’m not freaking out-“

“It’s written all over your face, babe.” She whispered, before pulling back with a reassuring smile before going to hug John in order to congratulate him. The night cruised on and John ordered us a few drinks as we waited for the band to start. We’d both (as of recently) cut down on our drinking, so tonight was a one off. I’d claimed I’d stopped so it wouldn’t tempt him to mess up his medication. In reality, my reason mirrored his reason.

“Okay I’m gonna make a toast,” Tim declared, raising his very manly beer. “It’s been a long road for Forever Halloween, and it hasn’t been easy in the slightest, but you all made it out alive and gave the world a fucking good album and that’s all that matters!”

The guys cheered enthusiastically, proud of their success from all of the hard work.

“It’s crazy how long you’ve toured off of this album and how many doors it’s opened. You guys deserve all of this- the most hard working group of guys I’ve ever met,” Tim chuckled, “here’s to the next EP and all of the albums after that. Congratulations guys, I’m the proudest fucking manager ever.”

To that we raised our glasses and cheered for the boys, who couldn’t wipe the grins off of their faces. John kissed my cheek as he wrapped his arm back around my lower waist, his breath heavy down my neck as he murmured quietly into my ear.

“I only made it because of you, babe.”

***

We hadn’t gone dancing in a really long time, or just had a great night out with our friends because everyone was so busy (getting married or pregnant, but whatever) and it was harder to find a time where we were all together. The cover band was amazing and really set a good vibe for the rest of the night. Most of the people in the club were on the dance floor without a care in the world if they looked utterly ridiculous (which they did, and most of them were my friends).

Hilary took the place of Parker, who was home resting. Apparently this pregnancy was taking a lot out of her, even in the early days. Although it was good seeing Hilary smiling and enjoying herself, because she deserved it after all the crap she’s been going through. Austin wasn’t here, obviously. I assumed it was because he was trying to avoid the temptations of drinking.

The band mostly played slow covers, occasionally changing things up with a few fast tunes. I took advantage of that, as it was easier to lean against John than it was during the faster songs.

“I’m gonna go get us another round of drinks.” He stated, kissing my cheek before leaving me at the table. “Hil, you want anything?”

“No I’m good, thanks.” Hilary smiled politely.

John nodded and walked over to the bar, giving me a moment to talk to Hilary.

“So, how did the doctor’s appointment go?” She asked inquisitively.

I winced before answering, knowing she’d make a huge deal out of it. “I uh…I’m not as…ok as I thought,” I admitted, rubbing the back of my neck.

She frowned. “I can’t hear you, come with me.” With that, she got up and pulled me across the dance floor to the bathroom. I looked over to see John standing with Eric at the bar, in some sort of drunken conversation.

Hilary pulled me down the hall to the bathroom, which was thankfully empty. She leant against one of the cubicle doors, arms crossed. “Okay, go.”

I sighed, running a hand through my long hair. To be honest, it probably did me a favour, the way it covered my collar bones. Made me look less…sick. “I have hyperthyroidism.”

Hilary frowned in confusion. “Hyper-what?”

“It’s a disease that affects my metabolism. It’s borderline impossible for me to gain weight, requires a fuck load of medication, and could trigger heart failure.” I explained, my voice shaking. It was only just sinking in how big of a deal my health was, and how badly in shape it was.

“Heart failure…but that could-“

“I know,” I whimpered, fanning my eyes as they started to well up with tears.

“Leighton I’m so sorry,” she murmured, pulling me in for a hug. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m still letting it sink in,” I admitted, “I’m trying to ignore it, but it’s hard.”

“That’s the worst you could do,” Hilary stated, rubbing my arm as she pulled back. “What did John say about this?”

I tensed up, looking away. “I uh-“

“You can’t be serious- Leighton!”

“I know, okay? I know what you’re going to say but I don’t need to hear it. Telling him would only make him stay for pity.” I mumbled bitterly.

“I honestly don’t know how you two have last longer than me and Austin.” She scoffed, shaking her head. “Maybe you heard him wrong and he’s thinking about asking you to marry him. Maybe he wants more kids- Lei you have to talk.”

“What, and risk everything? I have a son to think about.” I stated, crossing my arms tightly. “I love Lucas and I’d do anything for him. If that means ignore what I heard for the sake of our relationship, than so be it.”

I told myself every day that he didn’t really mean it, which motivated me to keep it going and try harder. Sure, I had a kind of loathing for him as of recently, but I always managed to remind myself what he’d blessed me with.

“I can’t force you to tell him, but he’s going to find out eventually Leighton.” She warned. “Don’t wait until it’s too late, because you might lose more than you think.”

I know she wasn’t trying to be vicious about it, she was just looking out for me. The wanting to come to my appointments, and always letting me vent to her, it showed she cared and it proved how good a friend she was. It also made it hard to believe how Austin could do what he did to her.

And yeah, she had a point about what she was saying and I know that I had to tell John. But it all came down to the pride thing and not being strong enough to look after Lucas. I didn’t want the pity from everyone and I didn’t want Lucas thinking there was something wrong with me. It was nothing I couldn’t handle.

I just had to keep telling myself that.

I told Hilary we’d pick this up another time and she understood, getting the hint that I didn’t want to talk about it right now.

“Alright, I’ll meet you back at the table.” She nodded softly, giving me a tight hug before disappearing into one of the stalls.

I left the bathroom in order to make it back across the dancefloor to our table, which I could see was occupied by a few of our friends, but John was nowhere in sight. I frowned as I scanned the floor for him, coming to no success.

I tensed up as my eyes set upon him at the bar. He was talking with an older woman, laughing at something she was saying. There was the smallest ounce of jealousy in my bones, but I don’t think that was what set me off.

I think it was more so how good they looked together. She may have looked a good five or six years older than him, but they looked like a proper couple, enjoying a night out. She was fit, healthy and gorgeous.

She was everything I wasn’t and that sent my heart rate into a frenzy.