White Walls

JOHN’S POV

She’d been distant all week. Ever since we went out last week to the club with everyone, she’d been less affectionate and a lot more quiet around the house. Or more so around me. I’d maybe tried to get lucky when we got home from the club, but she shut me down completely, and had every time since. It’s not like getting laid was a big deal to me, I was just trying to be intimate with her. She’d only kissed me a handful of times this past week, which wasn’t like her- it wasn’t like us.

Something was really bothering her but I couldn’t tell what it was.

Today being a Thursday and our usual day off, I decided I was going to sit her down at some point and ask her what’s going on, even if I had to drag it out of her.

At this moment in time, I was laying in bed, Leighton nowhere to be seen. Instead, Lucas took her spot, sprawled out beside me. I turned on my side and pulled him into my chest, draping my arm over his sleeping form to play with his soft blonde hair.

It would probably never sink in that he was half of me. I actually had a little dude who used my last name. Lucas O’Callaghan. He had my middle name too. Sometimes it all just became too surreal.

“Dada…” Lucas whined, his little hands turning into fists to grip my t-shirt.

“Yeah bub?” I croaked, my morning voice raspy.

“Hungry…” he whimpered, burying his face into my chest. He was so much like me and Leighton never failed to point that out. I wonder where Leighton was…there was no noise coming from the shower, so she wasn’t in the bathroom, and I couldn’t hear anything from the kitchen, so she must have gone out this morning. It didn’t matter really, I knew how to keep our son alive for the small period of time she wasn’t around. You could say it was like my second job.

“You want breakfast?” I mumbled slowly.

“Yes.” He whimpered, nodding profusely. Yeah, he was a lot like me in the mornings.

I sighed and sat up, waking myself up properly before I climbed out of bed. Stretching my arms out, I turned back around to see Lucas frowning at me. “What?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

“What’s that?” He asked, pointing to my left thigh.

I looked down to see my boxers revealed the inappropriate tattoo on my leg. My hand slapped down to cover it immediately before I looked around for my sweat pants. “Uh, that’s nothing, forget you saw that, okay?”

Lucas nodded before closing his eyes and burying his face into my pillow. I found my pants and pulled them on, mentally kicking myself. Leighton hated that tattoo (and to be honest I wasn’t immensely proud of it) and didn’t want Lucas to ever see it because she didn’t feel it was ‘appropriate for such innocent eyes’. I think I argued with some inappropriate comment about her and sex but that’s beyond me right now.

“Come on, I’ll make you breakfast.” I yawned, holding my arms out for him. Like a little monkey, he climbed up my arms into my chest, closing his eyes once again and hiding his face in my t-shirt. “You’re really tired huh?” I mused, making my way down the hall to the kitchen.

“Bad dream daddy,” he murmured softly.

“Bad dream? Why didn’t you tell me?” I frowned, looking down at him.

“I told mommy.” He shrugged.

Right, because she tells me everything.

“When did you talk to mom?” I asked curiously as I shifted his weight into one arm to open the fridge with the other. I was kind of hesitant about sitting him on the bench or on a stool at the bench because he was still waking up and slightly unbalanced. The last thing he needed was a cracked skull.

“Last n-night.”

I scanned the fridge for something to make for him. It was usually Leighton that did the cooking but she’d clearly gone out without letting me know so I guess it was up to me to figure it out. “What do you feel like?”

“Milky…” Lucas whined.

“What like in cereal?” I asked, looking down at him as he clung to my shirt like a koala.

“No warm milk-“

“You’re not a baby Luke, what you want me to put it in a bottle for you too?” I mumbled, grabbing the plate of cold pizza, leftovers from during the week.

“B-but mama says-“

“Yeah well she’s not here, and I’m saying that you need to eat something proper.” I scoffed. “You’re a big boy now, Lucas.” Cereal, he could have cereal.

“I want milk…” He whined, tugging on my shirt.

“Lucas,” I warned, sending him a look. “You can have cereal with milk.”

“I don’t want cereal! I want milk!” Lucas demanded, getting frustrated because he wasn’t getting his own way. God Lei must cave so hard with him.

“What about muesli? Or toast?” I offered, trying to distract him from throwing a temper tantrum. I’d had a few drinks with the guys last night and wasn’t in the best fashion for an argument with my three year old son.

“No! Milk!”

“Don’t you yell at me,” I snapped, setting the plate on the bench before setting him to stand on the ground, kneeling to his height. Leighton said that if I got down to his size he'd feel less 'attacked'. “You’re not a baby, only little babies get milk in a bottle like that-“

“Mama says I can!”

“Well I’m saying no! You need to eat!” I shot back just as quickly. “You won’t eat at all with the rate you’re going!”

“I w-want mommy!” Lucas whimpered, before bursting into tears. He tried to pull away from me but I wouldn’t let him. I wasn’t going to let him run off like this. He was still waking up so he was still a bit-

“What’s going on?” Leighton asked as she walked through the front door, dropping her bag on the bench to lift Lucas into her arms. She struggled a little but secured her footing, cradling him to her chest.

“He’s cranky, he’s still waking up,” I tried, but she cut me off in disbelief.

“It sounded like you were yelling at him- why would you yell at him if he’s still waking up?” She snapped, rocking him and shushing him to get him to stop crying. “What is this about?”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “He wanted milk for breakfast, like warm milk but I told him no-“

“Why would you tell him no?” Leighton frowned at me, like it was an absurd suggestion.

“Because he’s not a baby and he needs to eat a substantial breakfast.” I stated, as if she were an-

“He’s allowed to have milk in the morning for Christs’ sake John.” She hissed, maturely replacing the ‘f’ word for ‘Christ’ in this situation. “It’s calcium. That’s a good thing if you didn’t know.”

“Leighton, that’s not enough-“

“He’ll eat when he’s ready, his body doesn’t work the way yours does- what were you going to feed him cold pizza?” She scoffed, her eyes landing upon the bench.

“We can’t be telling him different things all the time! I’ve already said no.” I hissed, holding my arms out for him. “I’ll deal with this-“

Lucas screamed at me and clung to Leighton who gave me a look before going to the fridge for his milk. He always sulked to his mom- every time I tried to follow any type of parenting book or tried to make any firm decision, he hated it and stuck to her like glue. One look at those eyes, (my eyes) and she was taking his side. It was two against one. Always.

“Right, good idea.” She muttered sarcastically.

My anger excelled at the doubt in my parenting. First she was making me re-read the books, and now she was changing my words in front of him? Of course she was the one he woke up when he had nightmares, of course she was the one he asked when he wanted something, because he knew she would definitely say yes. Well he needed a little tough love or he was going to end up spoilt and ungrateful, courtesy of his mom. She was taking away my authority- I was no longer ‘man of the house’.

Yeah well we’ll see about that.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“Page forty six, we’re supposed to work together, be a team.”

I looked up in annoyance as he shoved the book in my face. “I’m working-“

“What you did this morning wasn’t cool, Leighton. I had it under control.” John said firmly, dropping the parenting book on my keyboard and crossing his arms as he stood in front of me. I’d just put Lucas down for his afternoon nap and thought I could get an hour at least of paper work done so I’d be more prepared for tomorrow. We were interviewing interns tomorrow so I wouldn’t have time for much else.

I rolled my eyes. “I came home to him in tears and you yelling at him- it wasn’t even nine o’clock and you’d already upset him. I was handling the situation you ‘had under control’.” I retorted, pushing the book aside.

“There was no need for that. I’d already said no-“

“He’s allowed to have-“

“This isn’t about the fucking milk Lei!” He shouted waving his hands about in frustration. He was becoming less and less appealing by the second with all of this arguing. “It’s about the fact that you turned on me! I had a valid reason, it’s not like I just woke up with the urge to be an asshole! I wanted him to eat something, because what he wanted wasn’t going to do anything for him, I had a valid fucking reason from the book and you just screwed that over to play his favourite.”

I raised an eyebrow at his last word. “You think I’m his favourite? You think that’s why I did it?”

“Well why else? What, you just wanted to make him stop crying? You have an issue with me you want to fix with getting our son to hate me?” He scoffed, pushing his hair back. “Let me in on it, Lei.”

“My valid reason is that milk is good for him and he’s still a little boy whose body doesn’t work like yours. He can’t be forced to eat. He’ll eat when he’s ready.” I stated simply and calmly. I wasn’t in the mood for a screaming match like he appeared to be. “I don’t have an ‘issue’ with you.”

Not one I want to talk about, anyway.

He stepped back, appearing to have calmed himself down. “So…so what do we do when we have different…opinions?” He mumbled.

“Next time I’ll go with yours if you’ve said it first,” I nodded, admitting I should have supported John and not told Lucas different when a reasonable decision had been made. “But you had to have said something to make him cry, John. You need to be more understanding to his emotions. They’re not as developed as yours or mine.”

Or damaged. Or numb. Or worn out.

He sighed, dragging the chair from the corner over and falling into it. “He never likes what I tell him, and he gets upset because he doesn’t get his own way.”

“Kids do that, you just have to stay firm and mature about it.” I shrugged, turning back to my computer screen. I didn’t like all of this attention on me. It made me feel vulnerable.

He nodded quietly in response.

“And you’re right, we need to be more of a team.” Now leave me alone. “We’re working on that.” Sort of.

“Are we? I don’t feel like we are.”

I internally groaned at the thought of a deep conversation. I was not in the mood for this. It all seemed so fake with him, knowing how he really felt. He must be some kind of crazy con man because if I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought he was trying to fix this for the sake of ‘us’. I didn’t know what ‘us’ was any more.

“We are.” I mumbled.

“We don’t talk as much as we used to. I feel like you’re keeping things from me.”

I would’ve responded with a sarcastic comment stating the obvious, but my hands were shaking too much under my desk for me to be able to formulate one without giving away the fact that I was freaking out. Did he know? Did he find the medication? Or worse…did he find the ring? Oh my god he found the ring.

I looked at him and he just raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Is there stuff you’re not telling me? Or anything you want to tell me?”

No. No. No. No. No. No.

“I’m not keeping anything from you,” I said firmly, rolling my eyes for emphasis. “Why? What are you keeping from me?”

Actually who was that girl at the bar you were talking to? I’d like to know about that.

“I’m not keeping anything from you.” He said confidently. “You’re the one that’s been distant.”

“I have not been distant, I’ve been busy.” I threw back quickly.

“Speaking of which, where were you this morning?” He asked, subconsciously changing the topic. Oh right, because I'm the one that should be accused of-

“I had to pick up this paperwork from the office.” I was at a doctor’s appointment.

“But it’s our day off.” He frowned. Oh right, I forgot my day revolved around you.

Wow I really needed to stop talking shit in my head to him.

“I’ve fallen behind because I’ve been taking Lucas in everyday while my parents have the flu. Considering you never took him to get his flu shot, I’ve had to look after him at the office.” I pointed out, bringing up yet another possible thing for us to argue about.

“You need to come with us, he’s more calmer when you’re there.”

I wonder why.

The conversation was beginning to bore me to the point where I turned away from him and continued on with my work. It’s not that I didn’t care about my sons’ health, it’s that it seemed so typical between John and I that I could easily turn off to autopilot to talk to him. Eventually I just started tuning out and he disappeared off to his studio a short time after.

Probably to write more songs about how much he didn’t love me.

***

JOHN’S POV

I wonder if she could sense how pissed I was right now. Eventually she stopped listening to me and put all of her attention towards her work. I left the room (she barely noticed) and headed down to my studio to fix up a few demos and get out any new stuff I’d had in my head as of recently. There were a few songs we wanted to release for a deluxe version of Forever Halloween, to celebrate the fact that the album had gone gold. I was still in disbelief that that had actually happened, it was completely surreal.

The fact that I’d successfully diverted Leighton from ever hearing These Four Words was also unbelievable. I won’t lie, I’d gone to ridiculous lengths to make sure she never heard the song, but it proved to be worth it. Hopefully when/if she heard it she wouldn’t think too much of it because it was a few years old or something.

I mean right now I could care less because I was so over the way she was treating me, I almost wanted to send her the link to it. But no, I restrained myself and left the demo of the song with the rest of them on my desk, not about to ruin our relationship with it.

I heard Lucas whining from his bed, indicating he was awake. I sighed and stood, heading down to his room, shutting the door to my studio behind me. Last time I left it open, he attacked the walls with those stupid pens. I didn’t need a repeat of that.

“Hey bub,” I cooed, opening his door carefully and making my way over to him. “You want up?”

He looked up at me, hair a mess and arms stretched out for me. I lifted him up and into my chest, wrapping my arms securely around him. “You sleep okay?”

He mumbled a ‘yes’ into my chest, his little legs wrapping around my torso.

“You want teddy too?” I asked, kissing the top of his head as I rocked him in the dark.

“Yes.”

I picked up his bear and handed it to him before leaving the room. “You wanna watch a movie with daddy?” I murmured softly as we walked out into the living room. “Mama’s working.”

“O-k-kay.” He nodded, closing his eyes again.

“Lucas if you’re still tired you can go back to sleep.” I chuckled, taking a seat on the couch.

“I m-missed you d-dada.” He stuttered through his sleepiness, melting my heart in the manliest of ways possible. “I w-want hugs.”

“You can have hugs whenever you want, bud,” I mumbled, grabbing the remote and flicking the TV on. It’s not like I was getting hugs from anyone else lately. “Daddy’s sorry about before Luke, I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“It’s ok-kay daddy,” he yawned, eyes still shut. “I will n-next time.”

“Okay buddy,” I chuckled, kissing his head as I reclined, Lucas on my chest. “You just go back to sleep.”

“Dada?”

“Hmm?” I murmured, flipping through the channels.

“Can I have some milk?”

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“Thank you, we’ll be in touch.” Tim nodded as he walked the last interviewee out. I had good feelings about her.

I sat back and sighed in relief. “Thank gosh that’s all over.”

“That was a lot less painful than I thought.” Elijah admitted, shuffling his papers together. “I liked that last girl, she seemed like she was ready to take it all on.”

“Yeah I think we should give her a call back.” I nodded in agreement as I filled my bag. “What’d you think, Timothy?”

“Definitely getting a call back.” He nodded. “And the first guy too.”

“Oh yeah, he was great,” I said, “really uses his initiative. He’s friendly too.”

“Yeah I think that’s because you’re the only girl here.” Elijah chuckled, sending Tim a look.

I rolled my eyes, however flattered by the off chance that I was still appealing in the eyes of the opposite sex. “I think we’ll be okay with just the two.”

“I will go through the training with you on Monday Elijah, and we’ll call them Monday morning.” Tim explained. “So how are we feeling about it?”

“First guy and the last girl, for sure.” I nodded confidently, looking between the two. “They stood out for me. Everyone else between was just blah.”

“I agree, they left the best impression and they seem like the best options for the future of this company.” Tim nodded with the agreement of Elijah. “I see big things for us all, and I believe this is the way for us to achieve those things.”

“I also just want to say thank you,” Elijah spoke up hesitantly, “I know I was a jerk a few weeks ago and I know we’re past that, but I am sorry and I really owe you guys for giving me another chance. I promise you, I’m not going to let you down this time.”

“That’s good to hear,” I smiled softly, placing my hand on his shoulder. “You’re going to be a great mentor for these guys and you’re going to do great things for 8123. It’s just a matter of time and patience.”

“Lei’s exactly right man, it all happens for a reason.” Tim added wisely. “Everything has it’s reasons.”

I left Friday’s meeting with a load off of my shoulders, just in time to enjoy the weekend without all of these worries. We knew who we wanted on board and we knew the direction in which all of the projects were going. A Rocket To The Moon were the next band to have an acoustic set at the store, and would soon be releasing a new EP. Aside from the new merch to assist the new release, we also had a new band to bring onto the label, and we were meeting with them during the week to discuss their merchandising. It was only going to get busier but I felt better knowing we were more organised and had everything under control.

I finished off the day with a late lunch with Tate, catching up on eachother’s lives outside of work. We didn’t see a lot of each other outside the office, unless it was a group get together of sorts. She’d told me all about her night with Garrett and how she thought things were finally progressing considering they weren’t drunk when they went home together.

When I finally got home that night, I found John asleep on the couch with Lucas sitting between his legs, watching TV. John looked exhausted, and I didn’t blame him- apparently they’d had a busy day with a bunch of interviews and press things for the new EP which they’d almost finished.

To say it was raising my anxiety levels was an understatement. During my appointment on Thursday, my doctor had gone through breathing exercises to get me into a calmer state of mind. It would take a while for them to become effective, but I wasn’t totally saying no to them.

After all, it was my heart on the line.

***

JOHN’S POV

When I woke up that night, Leighton was home and in the kitchen making dinner. Lucas was washed
and in his pajamas on the couch across from me watching TV. He didn’t really know what he was watching, considering it was the news and all but he happily sat through it, his favourite part being the car chases.

I got up off the couch and greeted Leighton in the kitchen, her reception feeling a tad warmer than how it’s been the past few days.

“Hey darlin’, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to crash on the couch-“

“It’s okay,” she shrugged simply, turning away from the stove to give me a kiss. “I understand.”

I sent her a small smile as I ran a hand through my hair. “How was your day?”

“Busy, but good.” Well, it was better than one worded answers.

“That’s good. Free weekend?” I asked curiously, hoping we’d be able to spend some quality time together. Last weekend she was booked up and I think that was her way of avoiding me.

“I’m going with Jac on Saturday to check out a few things for the wedding. Maid of honour duties.” She mused, sending me a look. “But it should only be a couple of hours. You?”

“I uh, I have a therapy session. It’s a morning thing.” I nodded. “I’ll be home by eleven.”

“Good, because I need to leave at eleven thirty.” She nodded quickly; satisfied my mental health commitments seemed to have fit into her schedule accordingly.

“So we have Sunday then.” I sighed, wrapping my arms around her small frame.

“We have Sunday,” she confirmed quietly. It was with that tone of voice that I knew. She knew. We both knew.

We were so empty.

***

I wonder if he felt it too.