White Walls

“If you’ll all please stand, we’d like to welcome, for the first time, Mr and Mrs Gibbs!”

With the assistance of John, I stood and cheered for the newly weds, as did just about everybody else in the room. Austin stopped Hilary at the door before pressing a passionate kiss to her lips, making sure to dip her for dramatic effect. She couldn’t help but laugh against his mouth as he brought her back up, cupping his face and staring into his eyes lovingly. I watched as she nodded at him, mouthing the words ‘I love you’ to him. They were so in love it hurt. Today was perfect. Everything had gone so well, and Hilary looked absolutely stunning. Austin hadn’t taken his eyes off of her the moment he saw her at the end of the aisle.

“They look so happy,” John chuckled in my ear before pumping his fist and cheering with Eric like they were at some baseball game.

“They’re going to be together for the rest of their lives,” I stated confidently, “I can already see it.”

“Of course they are,” John nodded in agreement. “That right there is true love.”

“You think we’d be good at that?” I asked, looking up at him.

A smile spread across his lips and he nodded with a smile. “We already are. Just ask the third wheel.”

“You know one day he’s going to hear you say that. You’ll be putting him through therapy as a consequence.” I teased, poking him in the chest as he kissed me quickly.

“God I can’t wait until he’s here,” John chuckled, placing a hand on either side of my bump. His favourite past time had changed to talking to and feeling my stomach. “Not long now, huh?”

“Not long at all.” I nodded as we sat down. “You think we’ll be good at-“

“Yes, Leighton,” John sighed, kissing my temple. “We’re going to be just fine. I’m feeling a lot better and we’re in a better place now. We’re ready for this.”

“You really think so?”

“Of course. We’re more than ready.”

“Dude we’re never gonna be ready for marriage,” I scoffed as I dropped onto Eric’s couch. “I fucking fuck everything up all the fucking time.”

“You do not,” Jared insisted, sending me a look as he sipped on his beer. “You just…”

I raised an eyebrow as he hesitated to finish his sentence. “Exactly. I fuck it all up. Things were going fine, and then she found out about the damn song and she fucking hates me.”

“To be fair, she was going to find out eventually.” Eric stated, looking over at me. “Jac knew it was a bad idea, she said you should have told Lei when you wrote it, gotten her to approve it.”

“And you never thought to tell me what the evil twin thought?” I asked sarcastically.

“Dude you know she hates when you call her that.” Eric said, rolling his eyes at me. “And I mean…she’s not wrong. Ultimately it is your fault-“

“Halvo,” Jared hissed, sending him a look. “You think he doesn’t know that?”

“I don’t know what to do, guys.” I sighed, playing with the label on my beer. I hated talking about all the shit I went through with Leighton to my best friends whose relationships were currently (and always) thriving. “She looked so hurt.”

“She thinks you don’t love her,” Jared pointed out. “of course she’s going to be hurt. Maybe she just needs time. Have you talked to Lisa about this? Maybe she can help.”

“Oh and that’s another thing,” I scoffed, rolling my eyes. “I came clean like Lisa told me to, telling Lei I was seeing her, and-“

“And who’s Lisa?” Eric asked, sipping on his beer.

“Jared’s marriage counsellor, I started going to her for advice. It was kind of casual.” I shrugged, before turning back to Jared. “She said I should talk to Lei about everything, come clean about seeing her, which I did, I told her it was for her, for us, but she was too stuck on the song thing that she didn’t give two shits about the counselling. She probably thinks I was screwing her too.”

“I’m sure she doesn’t,” Jared sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Girls are…they’re kind of…”

“Compliacted?”

“Fragile?”

Jared looked between myself and Eric and nodded, agreeing with our answers. “It takes time to figure out the way they work. With Parker, I know that we have a mutual understanding when it comes to most things. We know when to stop, and we know when the other needs their space. We hardly ever fight, we just talk things out.”

“That’s impossible, everybody fights.” I stated, not believing him for a second. I mean, I knew his relationship was pretty good and healthy, but I knew there had to be some sort of illusion to it all.

“Not us,” Jared shrugged lightly. “We got over that a while ago. We’ve been together since we were eighteen. We learnt that in order to survive the long run, we have to be mature about things. Fighting and arguing helps some people, gets the tension out which is good, but we don’t work like that. We get the tension out differently, we-“

“Make babies and have good marriages?” Eric smirked.

Jared rolled his eyes at Eric and this time it was my turn to punch him.

“Don’t interrupt, I need all the help I can get.” I shot at him, before turning back to Jared. “But I’ve been with her for five years. Don’t you think I should have figured it out by now?”

“I’ve been with Parker nine years and didn’t figure out that she can’t stand conflict until two years ago.”
Jared shrugged, like it was nothing. “It takes time.”

I sat back, my mind reeling. “But me and Lei…we need to fight, to get that tension out. We keep things bottled up and then eventually we come clean-“

“You don’t come clean,” Eric scoffed, cutting me off. “You have breakdowns. You make yourselves
sick over each other, man.”

“He’s right,” Jared said quickly, before I bit Eric’s head off. He could be really blunt sometimes and it pissed me off because a lot of the time his statements weren’t true. Although this one was- according to Ghandi on my right. “That’s not healthy, John. You two can avoid these sort of arguments if you’re honest with each other. If you’d told Leighton you were seeing Lisa, it’d be different. She’d probably want to go with you and you could do it together. If you’d told her about the song, she’d have told you what she thought, and whether or not she wanted you to release it.”

“But I don’t let my private life interfere with my professional life- you know that man, Lei doesn’t get to pick and choose what goes on the album, and I felt that the band needed to take that step and get a little more personal.” I pointed out. “Music is the one thing I’m good at, and I’m too protective over it.”

“But when it’s hurting the people you love, don’t you think you should take a step back and look at what you’re doing?” Jared asked.

“What are you saying man?” Eric frowned. “It’s a fucking good song. If I wrote that and wanted to release it with Rocket, sure, Jac’d kill me. She wouldn’t want that out in the public for people to assume it’s about her, but it deserves to be heard because it’s a fucking great song.”

“I’m not saying you should sacrifice every song for her, or any at all, but if you were open and honest about what you’re saying about her three years ago, you wouldn’t be in this mess.” Jared stated finally.

“Dude you wonder why you always go through this shit with her, it’s because you’re not honest.”

“Me? She’s the one that didn’t tell me she knew about it. She heard me singing it in my studio weeks ago and never told me. She thought I’d just written it.” I explained, downing the rest of my beer before placing it on the coffee table in front of me.

“Coaster,” Eric groaned, nudging me with his foot.

I rolled my eyes and did as he said, knowing Jac would have it out for me if I left rings on their glass table. We no longer had glass tables, they freaked Leighton out and brought back bad memories.

“I don’t know what’s going on with Leighton,” Jared said, raising his hands in defence. “I’m sure she won’t appreciate me butting in with advice for her. The only person that can get her to be more honest is you. You have to make her believe that she can trust you enough to always open up and be honest with you, man. The only way to do that is for you to be honest. Sit her down and explain everything. Even if she doesn’t want to hear it, she needs to. It’s the only way you two’ll survive.”

I ran a hand through my matted hair, reminding myself to get it cut soon. I was kind of blown away by all of the advice. I’d only really come over to bitch about how shitty my life was right now and how I hadn’t seen my son in about two days, but hearing what Eric and Jared had to say (mostly Jared) really set things straight for me. I could make this all better, I could go home right now and spend time with my family, prove to Leighton how much I loved her, I just had to get off of my ass and actually do it. I’d been wimping out on her for years, and it was now or never. Did I actually love her? Of course I did, Leighton Johnson was my everything, she was more than just my girlfriend, she was my family. My father raised me to protect and provide for my family but I knew that without protecting them, providing for them meant nothing. This was Leighton and Lucas- they were my world and if I wasn’t careful, my world could be taken away from me just like Austin’s was.

I had to try and make things right again.

“I’m going home.”

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

John: when are you coming home? I miss Lucas :/

I rolled my eyes and put my phone back down on the couch. “Sorry, continue on.”

Hilary sent me a sympathetic look. “If you want to call him, you can. Hell if you want to go home and not spend another night with me you can.”

“No,” I shook my head. “I told you I was going to support you, Hil. That’s what friends do.”

She pouted at me, wrapping her arms around me. “Leighton you’ve been amazing these past few days. I really appreciate you staying with me and Lucas has been nothing but a ray of sunshine, but I’m sure John will be missing you guys.” She reasoned.

“I’m not keen on seeing him right now,” I shrugged, sending her a knowing look. She knew all about the song and what John had said. I’d vented to her a lot over the past two days so she was completely up to speed with what was going on. “We need this space.”

“I’m sure Lucas misses him,”

That was true, just this morning he was asking when we were going home to see John. I’d told him ‘soon’, but that could only work with him for so long. Maybe she was right, maybe two days was long enough.

I sighed, leaning back on the couch. “Maybe I should take Lucas home?”

“I should probably learn how to shower by myself,” Hilary joked, referring to last night how I sat on the bathroom floor talking to her whilst she was in the bath. “Hey maybe Alex is still at that age where she wants to bathe with me.”

“I wish Lucas was still that little, he’s growing up too fast,” I whined, looking over at the two as they sat together on the floor, playing with blocks. Lucas absolutely adored Alex, he was so careful with her and always looking out for her. Austin used to say he never had to worry about Alex when she’d get to the teenage years because he knew Lucas would be there to beat all of her ex-boyfriends up for him.
“Cherish this time while she’s still young enough to let you do anything with her.”

“Are you kidding? I’m going to be a mess when she turns one,” Hilary chuckled. “Maybe I just want tell her what a birthday is and hope she doesn’t age.”

“Way to mess up your kid, part one,” I laughed, shaking my head. “But on a serious note…what’s going
to happen for her birthday? That’s only a week or two away. Are you going to let him see her?”

Hilary shrugged. “I don’t know, he’s not allowed to by law until he does all that rehab stuff. I mean I was thinking about letting him see her for an hour because it’s her first birthday, y’know? But I really have no clue. I don’t know if I want to share that with him anymore. Not after what he did to us.”

“It’s hard to grasp on what he did,” I admitted, running a hand through my hair. “Him cheating and all. It’s like he’s a different person.”

“He is, he’s completely changed.” She nodded. “I’m starting to think that maybe I just haven’t noticed until now. He cheated on me before we had Alexandra, how could he start off her life with infidelity? It
just doesn’t make sense.”

“You know he loves her, though.” I said carefully.

“I know,” she sighed, nodding. “It’s just hard to believe right now. I know this divorce technically ends our relationship, but there’s so much shit ahead of us.”

“Mama!” Lucas whined loudly from the mat.

We looked up to see him struggling with a block the Alexandra was trying to put in her mouth, while he clearly wanted it for his building structure.

“Lucas, give it to her,” I warned. “You need to share.” He was sweet as pie to Alex, but he was protective over his blocks…even if they weren’t technically his.

“No mama I need it!” Lucas claimed, tugging hard on the block.

“Alex, don’t put that in your mouth.” Hilary scolded, getting up and walking over to her little girl who started crying as she was lifted away from Lucas. “Oh come on bub, you need to go down for a nap. I’ll be back in a sec.” She said over her shoulder as she disappeared down the hall.

I got up from the couch, slipping my phone into my pocket before making my way over to Lucas. “Hey buddy, we’re gonna head home now, okay?”

“But I’m building, mama.” Lucas whispered, focusing on the blocks.

“Don’t you want to go home and see daddy?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “You can play with your blocks at home. Or you can draw if you like. Or we could bake cookies?”

“Daddy says I not bake cookies because it’s g-girls.” Lucas pouted, looking up at me with a sad little face. His grammar was terrible but I understood what he was saying. Just John being sexist and making our son feel bad about what he likes doing. Jerk.

“Well we’ll just have to bake big heart-shaped cookies with pink icing, won’t we?” I teased, poking his stomach as he obliged and began to pack away the blocks.

“Yes!”

“Make sure you bring me some of those.” Hilary chuckled as she walked back into the room.

“We will Aunty Hilly!” Lucas beamed, running over to her and hugging her.

“Thank you little man! Thanks for keeping me company, you know I’m gonna miss you!” Hilary gushed, lifting him into her arms and kissing his cheek. “You be good for mommy, okay?”

“I’m always g-good.” Lucas giggled, lying through his perfect little teeth.

“I’m sure you are.” Hilary sighed, handing him over before hugging me too. “Thank you so much for everything, Lei. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’re sure you’re going to be okay?” I pushed, sending her a firm look. “Because we can stay another night if you need us.”

“No, you go. I’ll be fine. I think the time to myself will be good. Self-reflection, all that crazy stuff.” She
chuckled, pulling me into a hug and kissing my cheek. “I’m positive, okay?” She stated, knowing I’d only ask again.

“Alright,” I nodded, as she walked us to the car. “I guess I should get this little rugrat home to his father.” I mused as I strapped Lucas into his car seat in the back.

“If you’re not ready to talk to him, don’t Leighton. You’re not obliged to forgive him anytime soon. But whatever you do, don’t milk it out- you’re not exactly being honest with him either.” Hilary stated. “How are you feeling these days?”

I closed the car door before opening my own door and throwing my bag on the passenger seat. “I’m doing okay. A few dizzy spells, but so far it’s alright. I think I’m doing okay.” I nodded confidently. Well, until I noticed Hilary’s grimace. “What?”

“You’re looking a lot thinner these days, Leighton. Especially in the face; your cheek bones are really prominent.” Hilary sighed. “Have you spoken to your doctor about that?”

“We’re working out a new medication plan. Right now I just have to eat in bulk.” I murmured, looking at myself in the car window, only to see right through and have Lucas making silly faces at me. “I don’t realise that I must look different to other people than what I’m feeling.” I admitted. “I don’t feel like I could run a marathon, but I do feel pretty good with my health.”

“As long as you’re working on it.” She nodded, giving me one last hug before I jumped into the car. “Call me if you need anything, alright?”

“Will do, and you too.” I said, giving her a wave as I reversed. “I’ll talk to you soon!”

I began the quick drive home, dreading facing John yet kind of relieved I was letting Hilary have some time to her self. I knew that she’d be needing that soon, after she was finished (for the most part) getting out all of her anger and frustrations about Austin.

“Mommy can we still bake cookies?” Lucas asked from the backseat. “I’m hungry.”

“Of course bub,” I nodded, looking at him in the rear view mirror. “We’ll get home and get you changed into your messy clothes and then we can bake them, sound good?”
“Yes!” Lucas nodded excitedly. “We can make some for daddy too!”

The smile dropped from my lips slightly, but not enough for him to notice. “Y-yeah, of course bub.”

“Mama?”

“Hmm?”

“Why was aunty Hilly sad?”

I raised an eyebrow, surprised he’d even picked up on that. Most kids his age wouldn’t notice the feelings of adults, they’d only want to construct block buildings and play in the sandpit. But Lucas was special, as I’ve always known. I guess telling him the real reason wouldn’t be a big deal. It’s not like he was going to go and spread it amongst all of his little park friends. “Did you see that Uncle Austin wasn’t there when we were staying with Aunt Hilly?” I asked slowly, allowing him time to figure out what I was saying and respond clearly.

“Where was he? Was he on a holiday?”

Aw…my poor little innocent baby…

“No baby. Aunt Hilly and Uncle Austin got what’s called a divorce. It means that they aren’t married anymore. Aunt Hil won’t have the same last name anymore and Uncle Austin won’t live with her and Alexandra. Do you understand what I’m saying?” I asked softly. I didn’t think I’d ever have to explain what divorce was to a three year old. But then again, I didn’t think I’d have to explain depression to a two year old either.

I watched him in the mirror as his little mind worked over time to figure it out. “W-why did they get a d-divort?” Lucas asked with a frown. “That means Alex won’t see her daddy. Why is Uncle Austin not liv-living with them?”

“Lucas, you’re a little too young to fully understand this all, but Uncle Austin hurt Aunt Hilary. You don’t need to know how, and you shouldn’t ask them, but they’re not…they don’t love each other like they used to. They’ve changed. So Aunt Hil’s a little sad about that right now, okay?”

There was a silence as I rolled down the streets, nearing our home.

“Lucas?” I prompted, my returning to the rear-view mirror.

“Will you and dada get a divort?” Lucas asked sadly, his lips pulling into a pout. “I don’t want dada to go away mama…”

“He’s not going anywhere darlin’,” I cooed, wishing I could do nothing but pull him into my arms. “Me and daddy aren’t married, we can’t get a divorce.”

“Why not married?” He frowned in confusion.

I sighed. “Not everybody gets married, Lucas.”

“Do you not love daddy like Aunt Hilly loves Uncle Austin?”

Oh trust me, I’m pretty sure we felt the same about our men right now.

“It’s different Lucas, every body is different. Not every body has to get married to show how much they love each other.” I explained, full knowing I sounded like a total hypocrite.

“So you and dada not get married?”

“I don’t know, maybe one day we will, maybe soon. Who knows.” I shrugged, going back to the promise we made a few weeks back. It seemed like a lifetime ago now. With all of this crap about the song, it’s like we’d only been set back. I don’t know how long I could keep doing this- we weren’t progressing anymore, that much was obvious.

We pulled into the driveway of our loft and I got Lucas out of the car, following him up to the front door with our overnight bags. I didn’t really give John a choice in the matter and he didn’t stop us from going.

“Daddy!” Lucas called as we entered the loft.

I lingered behind, checking the lock on the door twice- anything to prolong seeing his face.

“Lucas!”

Or hearing his voice.

I turned around to see John scoop Lucas up into his arms. “Hey.” I greeted flatly.

“Hi,” he replied, looking up at me. “You staying tonight?”

“Yeah, we are. Hilary seemed fine, just needed a little alone time.” I shrugged, before heading into the kitchen.

“That’s good. Tim said that Austin’s been a mess ever since he got let out of court. Apparently they had to have security guards between him and Hil because he was trying to talk her out of signing the papers, after the judge already deemed them divorced, which apparently is an offence he could be punished for.” John explained, leaning against the kitchen bench with Lucas in his arms. I hated how he was acting like nothing had happened between us. I know for Lucas’ sake we were trying to be civil, but I still hated it.

“I guess you can’t blame him. When the judge called it he looked like he was going to break down then and there.” I mused, going into the fridge for something unhealthy to indulge in. Maybe we should make double the amount of cookies in a normal batch. Then I could take them to work and-

“So are we going to talk now?”

My eyes shot straight to Lucas, who was playing with John’s hair. He needed a haircut. “You’re really going to bring this up in front of him?”

“Are you going to talk to me?”

“No.” I said firmly, turning back around.

“Luke go play in your room for a sec, okay? Daddy needs to talk to mommy.” John said softly, setting Lucas down.

I gripped the handle of the fridge tightly, my knuckles turning white. How dare he. I didn’t want to talk to him as it was and he thought that sending Lucas away was going to change that? That jerk-

“Okay, now talk to me.”

“Oh demanding me to talk to you, way to win me over.” I scoffed, growing frustrated. How was it that I lived with a three year old and a musician and had no junk food in the fridge?! Processed foods…maybe the cupboard would have something…

“Leighton for fucks sake,” he sighed, sitting down at the kitchen bench. “We need to fucking talk- Jared said-“

“Oh great, yet another person that knows about our problems.” I scoffed, looking through the pantry for something to eat. My god it’s like we hadn’t gone grocery shopping in weeks! “Do we have any food at all in this god damn place?!”

“Well who am I supposed to talk to? You won’t talk to me, you don’t want me seeing Lisa, Eric can give me fuck all unless it’s about his marriage- I have nobody! I sure as hell am not going to my parents. You have to hear me out, Lei.” He sighed.

I slammed the cupboard door, spinning around in anger. I probably shouldn’t have, because I almost
lost my footing, having to grip the bench for support. John seemed to notice.

“Lei-“

“Don’t you dare demand me to listen to you! I’ve taken so much shit from you recently, John! I’ve put so much into ‘us’ only to get nothing from you! I finally…” had the guts to step up and propose “I finally stepped up in our relationship, put so much more into it only to fucking hear that damned song! How am I supposed to feel knowing you’ve kept that from me for three years?!”

“Baby, you know where my head was at, you know how we were back then,” John stressed, “you know I was fucked up. I wrote a song and I put it out there. It was the only way to get through that, you know that’s how I do things.”

“Oh, you write shit about how you don’t love me and let the whole world know without even thinking to tell me? Is that how you ‘do things’?” I croaked, feeling myself choke up at the end.

“Lei you’re not listening to me.” He said softly.

“You didn’t even tell me,” I whimpered, mentally kicking myself for being so weak. I could hardly see because of the tears in my eyes. “We’ve been together for five years and you didn’t tell me. It’s like I don’t even know you, and that’s what hurts the most.”

“Leighton…” he said sadly, reaching out for me.

I shook my head, stepping away from him, out of his reach. “I can’t deal with this right now. I’m staying with Hil tonight- I’m leaving Lucas here with you and I’ll be back in the morning. Just please, don’t call me, don’t talk to me. Tell Lucas I said goodnight.” I said quietly, before grabbing the bag I just brought home and heading right back out the front door, leaving John behind.

I don’t know how much more I can take of him putting cracks in my heart.