White Walls

Things weren’t good; we hadn’t spoken since I shut him down Sunday night. I’d returned home early Monday morning before heading to work straight away, just missing John in the shower.
It was now Thursday. The one day a week we both took off in order to spend time with Lucas. Together. A whole day together. It’s not like John hadn’t been home enough, he’d only gone into the studio twice this week because the boys had just about finished up on the EP. But yes, we hadn’t actually spoken to each other since Sunday night. The only things we’d said were about who was picking Lucas up from my parents or his parents during the week. That was it. He slept in his studio and I slept in our bed.

That was the way we did things these days.

So Thursday was the one day we had to suffer through silently so Lucas wouldn’t feel neglected.
When I made my way into the kitchen that morning, it was quiet. The whole house was quiet, which didn’t sit right with me. I’d checked on Lucas that morning to find he was still asleep, but got too much anxiety over checking the studio in case John was awake and I actually had to speak with him.

Pathetic, I know.

A note on the fridge caught my eye, and I made my way over only to sigh at the message.

Had to go into the studio. Wrapping the whole thing up today. Be back this afternoon.
John x

I rolled my eyes and ripped the note down, scrunching it up and throwing it in the bin. Okay, I was mad. I was mad that he blew off me and Lucas for the band. But, I was also relieved because it meant we wouldn’t have to see each other today. As long as he kept his word, I could handle today alone with Lucas. I just would’ve liked some sort of warning.

I don’t know what was going on with us. All I knew was that whenever I thought about him, I thought about that song. And when I thought about that song, I thought about the fact that at one point, he felt like he didn’t love me. Then it only lead me to think about everything that was wrong with me and what could possibly make him fall out of love with me.

The first thing that came to mind was the weight thing, obviously. I used to be a lot fitter and healthier when we first started dating. I wore a lot more form fitting skirts, dresses and cropped tops because they showed off my figure in a tasteful way. Then, after we had Lucas, I wore longer tops and such because I was a mom, and I had to remember that. I still dressed young (because I was) but in a more…conservative way, and it didn’t bother me- I liked it. I didn’t think it bothered John at all, and I know he’s not that shallow. I mean sometimes in the summer I broke out the old cropped top, but as of recently, I didn’t like to show skin, because showing skin meant showing prominent hipbones, or sharp collarbones. I also wore a lot more make up to hide the cheekbones and sunken eyes. It was just something I’d had to adjust to.

It wasn’t even the type of skinny that models are, it was the sick kind of skinny. I looked sick, and there was nothing I could do about it. I’d recently bought some new jeans because mine were too big, but all they did was make it more obvious that I’d lost weight. I mean my ass apparently looked ‘killer’ (Tate’s words, not mine) but I wasn’t seeing it.

John so far hadn’t said anything about my body so maybe he hadn’t noticed, which I guess was a little off putting considering we lived together and being my boyfriend you’d think he’d notice these kinds of things.

There was also the fact that maybe I’d lost my appeal. Maybe loosing weight and the nagging and the mom-mode just wasn’t attractive to him anymore. Maybe now that Lucas was a little older, me being motherly wasn’t a ‘beautiful experience’ and it was just mediocre. Maybe he didn’t like seeing what we’d look like if we officially settled.

So yeah, that’s where my head was at with the song thing. And when I thought about all of that, I felt like crying. And eating Ben & Jerry’s in order to gain weight.

Speaking of which.

I walked down to Lucas’ room, knocking lightly before going in. “Lucas? Baby are you awake?”

“Mama?” Lucas murmured, rolling over on his back. “Mama…”

“Hey baby, shall we go to the yummy food place and get a yummy breakfast?” I cooed, kneeling at the side of his bed and running my hand up and down his bare little stomach.

“Yes! Mama can I have waffles?!”

“You can have them with ice cream if you use the magic word.” I added, sending him a look.

“Please c-can I have w-waffles mama?” Lucas asked softly, unable to stop the little grin on his face.

“You most certainly can. Come on baby let’s get you dressed.” I said, standing up and lifting him out of bed. I dressed him quickly in a pair of jeans and a red t-shirt, before grabbing his milk from the fridge in the kitchen for him while I too got dressed.

“Mama where’s dada?” Lucas asked as he sat on the bed in our room. When John was touring or away at all, Lucas stuck to me like glue. He liked to be in the same room and he liked to know what I was doing. It was cute, in a way.

“Daddy’s at work, bub,” I said as I pulled a sweater over my dress, stepping out of the bathroom. “He’ll be back this afternoon, okay?”

“Okay,” Lucas nodded. “Can we play baseball in the park? Dada said he would take me today.”

He didn’t even tell Lucas he couldn’t go? Pathetic.

“Sorry Lukey, mama doesn’t know how to play baseball like daddy does. We can watch movies, though. And we can have those cookies mommy made. Or we could bake cupcakes.” I suggested, sitting beside him on the bed. Yes, I was now using my son’s sweet tooth to gain weight.

“And apple and peanut b-butter?”

Seriously? Damn my good mothering skills and healthy snacks.

“Of course bub, whatever you like. This is a special mommy and Lukey day, okay?” I chuckled, pulling him into my lap. “Are we ready to go?”

“Yes!” He giggled, clapping his hands together.

I stood and carried him out of my room and down the hall, grabbing my bag and his backpack along the way. It was just the two of us today, and I was going to make the most of it before he realized that family came before work.

***

JOHN’S POV

“That’s fucking amazing, guys,” Tim nodded as he stood in the doorway of the studio. “This is gonna be so good.”

“You think so?” I asked, rubbing the back of my neck nervously. This was our judging day, and it was always the most nerve wracking. Tim wasn’t afraid to let us know what he thought, which is something we appreciated but sometimes…it was more daunting than relieving.

“Seriously,” he agreed, “I think you’ve done a great job on this EP. It’s been a while since we’ve had something out but the hard work has clearly paid off. This is a great way to hold up anticipation for the next album. It’s so much more personal and I think the fans will love that. I just have one question.”

“Fire away,” Pat mumbled as he sat in front of the mixing board.

Tim turned to me. “Has Leighton heard it?”

I rolled my eyes, sending him a look. “What are you talking about?”

“I know she’s been giving me evils behind my back about that other song, that I green carded three years ago. I don’t want there to be anything on here that someone is going to hurt me for approving.” Tim admitted, raising his hands.

“No, it’s fine. She hasn’t heard it but I honestly doubt that she cares what I write about anymore.” I muttered.

“And if she hates any of it we’ll just say it’s about Tate.” Garrett smirked, thinking all of this was just hilarious.

“Oh the girl you’re too chicken to ask out?” Jared retorted, stacking his guitar against the wall before sending me a ‘Garrett’s a dipshit’ look. We sent those looks back and forward to each other most days, to be honest. Garrett liked to test me, was what it came down to.

“Fuck off I’m not chicken, I just don’t wanna hand over my man card like you pussies.” Garrett scoffed back.

“You’re out of the wedding!” Eric called from the back of the room, reminding us all that he was here. He was joking of course, but I didn’t mind that reality.

“Anyway, as long as it’s all okay, I’m happy with this. I think you’ve done a great job, guys.” Tim nodded. “Dirk will be coming down in a couple of days to shoot the cover art, and then we need to discuss with merchandise about new t-shirts and bundles and all that. We’ll be releasing this on CD and vinyl, sound good?”

Great, collaborating with my girlfriend who currently hated me.

The guys all agreed and we moved on to the meeting room, where we started discussing the usual stuff after finishing a record. Touring, promo, all that kind of thing. Eric usually sat in on this kind of stuff because…well to be honest I don’t actually know why he was here. Before Rocket got back together, we all felt kind of bad for him because he didn’t have a lot to do, so we got him to help us out on tours, in the studio, just basic kind of stuff to keep his mind off of the split. But now, having him around just kind of stuck. I mean he’s like a brother to all of us so it didn’t really bother us that he was here.

“Okay,” Tim sighed as he sat down at the head of the table. “I know everyone’s got a lot going on, especially you Jared with the baby, so I probably wouldn’t push a proper full tour until after he or she arrives. But in the mean time, I suggest we do a few shows around Arizona and Cali, just for promo. We can do in-stores and radio stuff, anything that won’t pull you guys too far away from commitments. What do you think?”

I think we could tour all the way to fucking Japan and Leighton still wouldn’t care.

“Sounds good,” Jared nodded. It really was just his approval we needed, considering he was the only one with the major commitment. “That should be fine, man.”

“Awesome,” Tim nodded, clapping his hands together. “I’ll talk to Moose about booking a few shows and radio gigs, and we should be good to go. I was thinking October or November, that way you get Christmas off.”

The meeting went on for a few more hours before we headed back to the studio to listen to the record again, something we always did. This part of the process was crucial for us- we were perfectionists so listening to the record we were about to release a hundred times over was completely normal and routine for us.

But the whole time I had somebody else’s words in my head.

It’s like I don’t even know you…

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

Leaving Lucas’ room, I closed his door softly behind me. He was exhausted from our day together. After going out for breakfast, we went to the park for a little while before going to visit Parker. I hadn’t seen her a lot as of recently, and I really wanted to know how she was going with the pregnancy. I’d also maybe tried to find out whether they were having a boy or a girl, but she kept that secret pretty well.

When we got home, we watched a few movies and played a few video games before he finally passed out on the couch. I was feeling pretty tired myself and planned on going for a nap while he did.
I’d almost made it to our bedroom when John arrived home, with Eric in tow. Neither of which sounded particularly sober. Maybe the half-empty carton of beers under Eric’s arm was what gave it away.

“Baby! I’m home!” John sung out, his voice wavering before he hiccupped.

I cringed, making my way out to the living room. “Can you keep it down? Lucas is asleep.”

“Oh sorry,” John nodded, his words slurring together.

“You got him drunk?” I asked Eric, unimpressed.

Eric’s eyes widened and he shook his head quickly, indicating just how drunk he was too. “Never!”

“Don’t drink too much…the bachelor party is tomorrow night, in case you’ve forgotten.” I scoffed, ushering them towards the back door so they could sit on the deck.

“Y’wanna drink baby?” John asked loudly, talking over the top of me.

“No, I’m good. I’m looking after our son.” I said through gritted teeth. It’s almost like he’d forgotten all about him.

John sent me a look before I shut the back door. If he was going to be an ass, I’d be one right back. Only I’d do it without setting a bad example for our kid.

Jerk.

***

I ended up calling Jac at seven, asking if she could come and pick Eric up. They’d only continued to drink as the afternoon wore in, even when I’d told John that Lucas was up from his nap. He said he’d see him later, which probably meant when Eric left, but Eric didn’t leave until after I’d put Lucas to bed, so Lucas had to go a whole day without actually seeing or speaking to his father. There was no way I wanted Lucas to see John like this.

He wasn’t even a raging drunk idiot, it was more slurring, and stupid comments. John wasn’t normally an aggressive drunk, only when his medication got mixed with the alcohol. So apparently, he’d skipped out on taking his medication today.

Once Jac had picked Eric up, I tidied up the kitchen, from the dinner I’d made for only Lucas and I. I didn’t feel the need to cook for John when he was being an ass.

I looked out through the back door to see John was still sitting outside on the back deck, a beer in hand. I don’t think he was planning on coming in anytime soon which didn’t bother me, I just didn’t want to have to be making sure he didn’t choke on his vomit when he finally decided he couldn’t drink anymore.

I was tired, exhausted.

I sighed and grabbed the tea I’d made myself, along with the last plate of cookies from the fridge. I wasn’t overwhelmingly hungry but I knew I should try and bulk up, like my doctor had been telling me. Maybe the sugar rush would keep me up long enough for me to finish extra work I’d taken on. We had interns starting next Monday and I wasn’t as ready for them as I would have liked to be.

I placed my things in my room before going back to the back door. “Are you planning on coming in anytime soon?”

I heard him sigh deeply before taking a sip of his beer. “We’re not sleeping together, so what does it matter?”

“Excuse me?” I frowned. “You think I’m going to sleep with you when you’re being a jerk?”

“I mean in the same room, Jesus Leighton.” He snapped, turning around to face me. “I’m allowed to fucking drink with my best friend, alright? I’m not a child and I don’t need you sending my friends home whenever you please.”

He made it out like I did that all the time. I didn’t, and that made me mad. I was usually pretty lenient when our friends would come over for drinks and he knew this. “You know I don’t do that. I don’t treat you like a child John, you just act like one.” I shot back.

“Oh, I’m the child?” He scoffed, placing a hand on his chest. “I’m the child?”

“Well clearly. You prefer to get drunk with Eric instead of say goodnight to your son- who you haven’t seen all day.” I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest. “You’re just like Austin, really.”

“Don’t you dare,” he hissed, standing up immediately, his stability questionable. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

“What? It’s the truth! You’re doing what he did!” I exclaimed.

“For your fucking information, I was the one that slept with Lucas in his bed last night when he had a nightmare. He was calling for you but I was the one that went to him. I sang to h-him and I stayed with him the entire night.” He slurred angrily.

Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel guilty. You didn’t hear him, don’t feel guilty.

“You’re not the only one who does that. At least I keep my promise and spend the day with him.” I said.

“I’m not dealing with this right now,” he stated, raising his hands. “I’m not going to stand here and let you talk to me like I’m a bad parent because I can’t take all the time in the world off to spend with Lucas. We’re not all that lucky!”

“And you think I can?! I still have to do a full days’ work every Thursday night! I fall behind just to take days off for Lucas!” I yelled, getting angrier and angrier by the second.

“Oh I’m sure you do! Oh it must be so hard having a job and being a girl! I'm sure you know exactly what it feels like to do real work!” He mocked crudely.

I was not up for sexism. Whether it was about being a woman or about what activities my son should partake in. I would never be in the mood for sexist jokes or remarks- doesn’t matter who makes them.

“Who are you?” I choked, looking at him in disbelief. “You’ve turned into a real jerk, John. I don’t know how much more I can take.” I scoffed, before heading inside, closing the door quietly behind me.

Normally I would’ve slammed the door behind me but I didn’t want to wake Lucas.
At least I thought about our son.

***

She was right. Who the fuck was I?

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

When I woke up Friday morning, I had a splitting headache and a bad feeling in my stomach. It didn’t take long before I was down the hall and on my knees in front of the toilet, emptying the contents of my stomach out. I heard the TV on and John and Lucas’ voices from the kitchen, so I guess John was making him breakfast. I however, couldn’t even think about food when I was throwing up whatever entered my body as food.

It was probably too many cookies. Eating in bulk really didn’t sit well with my stomach.
I exhaled deeply before coughing a few times. I flushed the toilet and moved to the sink to wash my face. I frowned when I noticed the red water circulating the sink. Looking up at myself in the mirror, I was shocked to see a John-style nose bleed running down my face. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” I mumbled, reaching for the tissues.

“Lei? You alright?!” John called as he came down the hallway.

I slammed the door with my foot, applying more pressure to my face. “Fine!” I yelled back.

“Look Lei, I’m sorry about last night,” he sighed against the door.

I rolled my eyes, ignoring his apology.

“And you’re right, I should have kept to my promise. I’m gonna have more days off now that we’re done with the EP- so I’ll make it up to him-“

“I don’t care for this conversation right now.” I spoke through the door. At least I was being honest. And polite, I was being polite as well.

“Leighton,” he sighed. “Come on-“

“John, I really don’t care.” I snapped, grabbing another tissue before opening the bathroom door. “Drop it.”

His eyes widened. “Shit are you having a-what happened?” He asked, alarmed.

“Nose bleed. I’m fine. Let me through.” I mumbled, struggling to push him aside. I was a lot weaker than I remembered.

“Babe-“

“Get out of my way.” I said firmly, sending him a glare. I didn’t like when he called me that. Not anymore. It did nothing for me.

He stepped aside silently, letting me past. I shoved through, making sure to close our bedroom door behind me. I let out a shaky breath before moving to get dressed for work- which wasn’t easy when I was holding a mass of tissues to my face.

Somehow, I managed to get into a dress and a sweater, before sliding my feet into a pair of boots. It was hard doing my make up, but I managed to clean up most of the blood and get some gunk on my face to make me look somewhat presentable.

I finally left our bedroom, lugging my bag behind me. I was not in the mood to work, but I had no choice. Tim was in with me all day because we were training Elijah for the interns on Monday.
When I got out into the kitchen, I could see John was doing his best to hide his hangover from Lucas as he made him breakfast. Did I mention that Lucas was sitting on his shoulders and both of them were shirtless?

All I could hear was Lucas’ giggle and John whispering things to him as he cut up various fruits for him. I won’t lie, John was usually pretty domesticated in the kitchen when it came to making food for Lucas.

“Okay, I’m going now.” I declared, lugging my bag onto my shoulder.

“You don't look too good,” John frowned. “What was with the-“ He pointed to his nose, instead of saying it in front of Lucas.

“I’m fine. I’ll be home at five. I won’t see you until tomorrow baby boy,” I cooed as I approached the two. John brought Lucas down and held him in his arms so I could kiss him goodbye. “Be good for grandma and grandpa, okay?”

“Okay mama I love you!” He squealed, kissing my lips dramatically.

“I love you too bub.” I chuckled, ruffling his hair. I turned to John. “Will I see you before you go to Eric’s bachelor party?”

“Will I see you before you go to Jac’s bachelorette party? I’ll want to see you but I doubt you want to see me.” He retorted.

“Do you have to be a jerk about everything?” I asked quietly, narrowing my eyes at him. We couldn't have one conversation without his sarcastic remarks.

“Mama…” Lucas pouted. “That’s a n-naughty word.”

“I’m sorry baby,” I cooed to him, kissing his cheek. “I’ll text you I guess.” I mumbled to John. I said my goodbyes before heading to the front door, eager to get out of that house.

“I love you!”

Yeah, whatever.

***

“Leighton! There’s my favourite…merchandising…department…lady.” Tim welcomed, falling apart towards the end. “How are you?” He asked, walking over to me.

“Not in the mood for a bachelorette party, if that gives you any sort of idea.” I sighed, sending him a look.

“I heard your boy got the groom drunk,” Tim mused as he followed me to my office. Thankfully we were the only ones here because I didn’t need somebody overhearing that conversation.

“That is not a conversation I am willing to have.” I warned Tim. “To anybody.”

“Leighton,” Tim sighed, falling into the chair opposite my desk. “I just want to say- before we start
work, that I’m sorry I never said anything about These Four Words. I felt like it wasn’t my place, professionally or personally.” He explained slowly.

“No I understand,” I nodded softly. “I was just trying to find somebody besides John to take it out on.” I admitted sheepishly. “At the end of the day, I can’t help if he doesn’t love me.”

“You know that’s not how it is, Lei.” Tim said, sending me a ‘you know better’ look. “He was in a bad place.”

“It seems like that’s all we’re ever in.” I mumbled as I began to grab my work from my bag. “It’s always bad shit, Tim.”

“Everyone goes through it though. We all have our shit- I mean look at Hil and Austin. She found out her husband cheated on her, and he has a drinking problem. Then she got a divorce. Not exactly a walk in the park.” He shrugged. “Then Garrett. His girlfriend cheated on him with my brother and now he’s too scared to ask her out again.”

Well, that’s true. It was reassuring to remember that other people had their problems, as bad as that sounds.

“I don’t know if it beats a bad feeling.” I mused, looking over at him. “The bad feeling.”

“Oh not that feeling,” Tim winced. “Are you sure you’re not reading it all the wrong way?”
I shook my head. “It’s been hanging around me for a few days. It’s only been getting worse. All I have for him is anger these days. It’s tiring.”

“Do you think…no, nevermind,” he murmured, shaking his head. “Let’s get stuck into-“

“What?” I asked quietly, eyeing him suspiciously. What was he going to say? I think I already knew what he was going to ask.

“No it’s nothing, it’s not my place to ask. Really Leighton.” He insisted.

I sent him a ‘I’ve known you too long’ look. “Really, Tim.”

He sighed in defeat. “Do you think you and John could use a break?”

I won’t lie and say I’ve never thought of that. “S-sometimes, yeah.” I admitted. “But then I think about Lucas and I want him to have a normal family.”

“Well sometimes you have to put your happiness first. Especially in a situation like this.” Tim pointed out wisely. I really wish I had him as an older brother growing up. I could use advice like that on a daily basis. Maybe it would’ve made me a much better person than I am today.

I took Tim’s advice into thought as he left my office to go upstairs and make us each a coffee, promising to bring something unhealthy from the fridge. I needed all the energy I could get today, considering I had a hard night ahead of clubbing and inappropriate gifts. Don’t get me wrong, I was totally looking forward to going out tonight to celebrate before the wedding next weekend, but I couldn’t shake the bad feeling inside of me that kept eating away at every last thought I had. What if we both came home drunk? What if something happened? What if we did or said something we’d regret? I know that would mean he’d have to come home at all, but it still worried me.

I’m just going to say it; I was worried for our relationship. This was the breaking point.