White Walls

“Dude, you haven’t told him yet?”

I looked over at Jared, standing before me in his matching tux. “Does it look like I’ve told him? We didn’t want to ruin their day.” I shrugged, looking down at my beer. I couldn’t drink it, ever since she said those words. I hardly drank since Leighton ended our relationship last week. It’s been that long and she hadn’t made any kind of indication that she wanted to work things out. I thought this was all just to teach me a lesson. It wasn’t meant to last this long.

Everyday was killing me a little more inside.

“So you’re going to walk down the aisle with her? Pretend everything’s alright?” Jared mused. “Don’t you think that’s kind of…weird? Walking your ex down the aisle?”

“Look, she’s the one that didn’t want to say anything, alright? I’m pretty sure Tate’s the only one that knows. Apart from you and Parker.” I stated, sending him an accusing look. I didn’t like calling her my ‘ex’. That’s not a term I ever wanted to give the mother of my child.

“How do you know I’ve told Park-“

“I heard you guys talking about how bad you felt for me- thanks, but I don’t need your pity.” I scoffed.

He blushed, rubbing his neck awkwardly. “She’s emotional, I was just trying to keep up.”

“Anyway, I’d appreciate if you could just keep it to yourself, y’know? I don’t want to tell Halvo.” I sighed.

“You don’t want to tell Halvo what?”

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“Jac you look absolutely stunning,” I told her as we stood alone in the bathroom of the hotel room we’d shared last night. The plaza really was a beautiful place. “I…god I can’t believe it. You’re getting married.” I chuckled, fanning my eyes as they began to fill with tears.

“I know, I can’t believe it either.” She beamed, pouting when she saw me. “Aw Lei…”

“No it’s okay, I’ll be fine,” I laughed, waving her off. I hadn’t been this happy in a long time. Of course, I was pushing aside the whole break up thing, trying to get my mind off of it for one day so I could focus on the happiest day of my best friends’ life. “I’m just incredibly happy for you, babe.”

Jac wrapped her arms around me, pulling me in for a tight hug. “Thank you so much Leighton, for everything. You don’t know what it means to me. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“I’m just glad we got to do this together,” I chuckled, kissing her cheek as we pulled away. “We should
get out there, huh?”

Jac looked at her phone, checking the time. “Almost. God, I can’t believe I’m about to marry Eric.” She said, shaking her hands out. It’s ironic how I did the exact same thing after breaking up with John. Just shake it all off.

“Shit.”

“Okay but the words you need, are ‘I do’.”

There was a knocking on the door that indicated it was time to go out. Jac’s father appeared in the doorway with Ashley, Hilary and Parker behind him.

“I heard my little girl was getting married?” He chuckled, opening his arms.

“Is it time?” Jac asked, tearing up as she crossed the room to greet her father.

“It’s time.”

We had one last round of hugs, before we filed downstairs towards the kitchen. That’s where we’d be exiting from, straight down the aisle in the outdoor area of the plaza. Jac and Eric’s wedding planner was already there, lining up the boys. Apart from when he picked up Lucas, I hadn’t seen John for about a week. No real words had been said between us. And now we had to walk down the aisle together.

Always the bridesmaid and never the bride? Story of my life.

“Right, maid of honour? Maid of honour I need you next to the best man!”

I followed the wedding planners instructions as she moved on to get everybody else in order. I really regretted not telling Jac about me and John. I didn’t want to walk down the aisle with him at all. I didn’t even want to be near him because all I felt like doing was breaking down into tears. This whole break up was alien to me, and it felt uncomfortable. The fact that nobody knew made it even worse.

I stood by John, but didn’t acknowledge him. He seemed to understand the idea and didn’t say anything to me. He felt like a stranger standing beside me. When Jac and Eric first told us about the engagement, I would be picturing myself pretending it was my own wedding, with him walking me down the aisle, unable to stop the romantic in me. Now, I couldn't wait to get away from him.

“Alright! In three, two…one!”

I turned back quickly, looking at Jac at the back of the line. She mouthed a ‘thank you’, before wiping at her eyes one last time. I couldn’t help but smile as I turned back around and faced the opening door.
But when John slid his arm through mine, my entire body went cold. I almost wanted to shove him off of me, but the doors were open and we were moving. Slowly we walked across to the beginning of the aisle, and walked gracefully down the trail of flower petals. I painted a smile across my lips, trying to avoid the eyes of John’s parents. Jenny held Lucas on her lap, which tempted me to look over.

But I didn’t. We just kept walking down the aisle.

It was all so bittersweet.

When we got to the alter, I was more than relieved to part ways. John removed his arm and moved to stand up beside his best friend, whose eyes were searching for Jac. I stood in my position, waiting as the girls made their way down the aisle, taking their positions beside me.

And then Jac came down the aisle.

She took everybody’s breath away with how unbelievably beautiful she looked. I glanced over at Eric to see the biggest smile on his face as his eyes filled with what I was assuming were happy tears. John was smiling too, gripping Eric’s shoulder and giving him a shake, as if to say ‘yeah man, this is real’. This was happening. Jac and Eric were about to get married.

When Jac finally made it down the end of the aisle, she kissed her father on the cheek before he went to sit down next to Eric’s parents.

Eric helped her up beside him, gripping her hand tightly. They looked so perfect.

Jac turned around, handing me her bouquet to hold, shooting me a wink in the process and I couldn’t help but smile. It was all happening, and I was so happy for them. They’d been waiting so long for this day to arrive and here it finally was.
I tried my hardest to push all of my selfish thoughts about my own problems aside, and focus on the happy couple in front of me. I tried so hard.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

***

The wedding was great, it really was. It was like something out of a Disney film, unbelievably beautiful and utterly magical. I couldn’t stop glancing over at the happy couple, who didn’t really seem to notice as they couldn’t stop looking at each other. Mr and Mrs Halvorsen. It suited them.

Eventually throughout the night, I migrated from the bridal party to a few different tables to talk to a few people, I hadn't seen in a while with Lucas at my side for most of the evening. Eventually he ran off to John, and I was left by a table by my lonesome self.

That is, until the groom approached me without his bride on his arm.

“Hey Lei, how you doing?” Eric asked, sitting beside me.

“Great wedding,” I praised, dodging the question. “You and Jac look so happy.”

“We are,” he chuckled with a nod. “It’s crazy, y’know? I’ve been waiting years for this day and it’s almost over. I just can’t wait to go home and call her my Mrs.”

“I know she’s been waiting a long time too.” I nodded, melting over his romantic attitude. Jac deserved this. She deserved this kind of love. I was so happy for them. “Good on you for finally asking her.”

“Sometimes when you want something, you just have to go out and do it.” He mused, nodding in agreement. “I guess like how you went out and broke up with John.”

I tensed up, not at all prepared for that. He told him? I thought we’d agreed not to tell them until after? I guess communication really was lost on John. Of course this would happen, of course he’d tell his best friend and leave me to fend for myself, making me look like the bad guy, the heartbreaker.

“I didn’t know it was going to turn out like that-“

“Bullshit,” he was right, it was. “You always know when you’re going to end a relationship. Sub-consciously you always have that feeling, Lei.”

I sighed, unable to disagree with him. “It had to happen, Eric. He wasn’t doing anything to change his drinking, and the song-“

“That song is three years old, Leighton. He doesn’t feel like that anymore.” Eric pushed. He’d never really been a guy to worry about boundaries, apparently.

“It’s not that, it’s more the fact that he lied to me about it for so long. That hurts, okay? Call me pathetic but it hurts. He could tell everybody else that he didn’t love me, but he couldn’t tell me?
He betrayed me, after all I did for him- after I supported him, and let him be apart of his sons’ life. I didn’t deserve that, Eric.” I stated firmly, finally taking a stand for myself. I wasn’t going to let people try and convince me that I just needed to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’.

That wasn’t fair on me.

Eric nodded, sitting back in his seat. “You’re right. I’m sorry, I guess I’m just…I still can’t believe you guys aren’t together anymore. It doesn’t feel real, y’know?”

“Trust me, I know.” I nodded. “But I feel so…”

“Free?”

I shrugged. “Basically, yeah. He was starting to suffocate me. It was making me sick.”

“I can tell.” Eric mused, eyeing me up and down. “You don’t look like you’ve been taking care of yourself enough.”

“Oh, thanks.” I scoffed.

“You know what I mean,” he said, sending me a look. “You’re really thin- I don’t know how John hasn’t noticed it before.”

“It’s a metabolism thing.” I shrugged, waving it off.

“At least now you’ve got more time to focus on getting yourself better.” Eric mused, reaching out and rubbing my arm. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

“I’ll be fine, thanks Eric.” I said softly. “You should get back to the Mrs.”

A smile broke out across his face, making me envious of Jac in an instant. “God I love that girl. I’ll never get tired of hearing that.” He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck as he stood. He kissed my cheek before standing. “Thanks for everything you’ve done for Jac and I.”

I watched as he walked back over to Jac, who lovingly dragged him onto the dance floor, wrapping her arms around him. How much I longed for what they had was ridiculous. Why was it so hard for us? Why were we always put through so much shit? It wasn’t fair.

“Hey loner, you planning on being sociable anytime soon?” Hilary asked as she sat across from me, raising an eyebrow. She’d decided against bringing Alexandra to the wedding, because she didn’t want Austin around her. He was pissed but there was nothing he could do about it.

“What do you mean? Did you not just see me socializing with the groom?” I piped up as I took a sip of my champagne. It was only my second glass so far. I’d noticed that John hadn’t had a drink in his hand since the reception started.

“Where’s your man? And where’s Lucas? I can’t get over his little suit.” Hilary chuckled, sipping on what appeared to be coke. Come to think of it, she hadn’t been drinking either. Was I the only one here drinking? Was I slowly going insane?

“He’s not my man.” I said quietly, looking down at my hands.

Hilary frowned, not getting it. “You guys have a fight or something?”

I looked up at her. “He’s not my man.”

Now she seemed to get it. Maybe I could make a game out of it, finding different ways to tell people, aim for different reactions. Test how disappointed they were in me for failing to hold it all together. Keep a tally to see who was on who’s side.

“You guys broke up? Lei, I’m so sorry.” She sighed, reaching over and placing a hand on top of mine. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

I sighed, shrugging. “I don’t know. My head has been elsewhere the past week. I’ve been falling behind with work, my son hates me, I practically live alone now. It’s the only thing that’s been going on in my mind, it’s nice to…have people that don’t know. Because that way they don’t pity me.”

“I don’t pity you.” She pointed out. “I’m on your side, I hate John too.” She looked over at me for a moment. “Do we hate John?”

I let out a laugh. “At the moment, we do. We shouldn’t, but we do because we hate all boys. Except Eric. He’s marrying Jac, so he’s safe.”

“Yeah I like him. And Jared, he’s having a baby with Parker.” Hilary added.

“But we don’t like Garrrett. We don’t like Garrett at all.” I teased, shaking my head.

“Oh no, not him.” Hilary mused, scrunching her nose in disgust. “No way.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, her loyalty admirable.

When her laughter subsided, she went back to the sympathetic look and the pity. “Are you okay? I know things weren’t going great between you two, but I didn’t know they were this bad.”

I shrugged uncomfortably. “It’s been building up. We just have two much between us and staying together wasn’t helping me. I need space and breaking up with him was my only option.” I explained quietly.

“Not figuring things out?” Hilary suggested lightly.

“I feel like…I feel like we’ve never had a proper break. Sometimes I get the feeling this should have happened a long time ago.” I winced through my confession. It was true. Maybe I was just side tracked from our unhealthy relationship because of everything that was going on, with his breakdown, his rehab, our baby. We never got a chance to actually breathe. Maybe that’s what I was doing now.

“I understand,” she nodded. “It sucks, but I get it. It makes sense. Maybe you’ll get back together down the track or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Whatever the outcome may be, you’ll have my support and you know the others will support you guys too. It’s going to be okay Lei.” She assured, pulling me in for a hug.

I only hoped she was right.

***

JOHN’S POV

I watched as Leighton spoke with Hilary, obviously telling her about us. It wasn’t hard to tell, considering Hilary would sneak a glance over at me every few seconds and look angrier than what she seemed to be before.

It made me sweat. I didn’t want to be painted as the bad guy here. It wasn’t like that.
I’m not an idiot though, I knew how it was. I knew it was partly my fault. I kept breaking my promises with her, not coming home on time and failing to fulfil each of those commitments with her and Lucas. I know I’ve fucked up, but I’m only human. I always put a hundred and ten percent into the band and our music and she knew that. It was a part of who I was; I couldn’t change anything about it.
I loved that part of me. I loved having that passion.

But I also loved her.

Hearing those words that she was finally giving up split my heart in two. I was broken without her. I wanted to raise our son together, not drop him off at my parents for her to pick up so she wouldn’t have to see me. I never pictured myself as a father, or a family man, but I certainly didn’t expect to be raising a child alone.

I wasn’t going to let that happen. I was going to fix this, no matter how long it took.

She was my girl, and I wasn’t going to give up on her.

I sat down beside Jared, slamming my still-full beer down on the table. “Who the fuck is that guy?”

Jared looked up, away from Parker’s growing baby bump. The two were off in their only world and considering nobody else was sitting around them I thought it would be perfectly alright of me to crash their little bubble and lay my problems on them.

“What?” Jared sighed, sending me a look.

“That guy that’s talking to Leighton,” I scoffed, nodding over to where Leighton stood across the hall, smiling as she spoke to some guy in a suit. “He’s totally talking her up, man. What a fucking jerk.”

“Someone’s jealous,” Parker mused, raising an eyebrow at me. “Also, don’t cuss around the baby.”

I rolled my eyes. “Baby can’t hear you yet.”

“How would you-“

“I’m Leighton’s baby daddy, nothing more apparently.” I muttered through gritted teeth.

Jared scoffed. “You know that’s not true. That guy she’s talking to is Eric’s cousin. He’s married, you idiot.”

Oh. Well that was okay then.

“Still.” I mumbled, looking down at my bottle and pushing it away. “It’s me she should be talking to like that-“

Parker snorted, cutting me off ever so rudely.

Both Jared and I looked over at her, surprised.

“You have a lot of fixing to do before she’s talking to you like that again.” Parker stated. “You know it too. You don’t just have to step up as a boyfriend, you have to step up as a life partner.”

“A life what?” I frowned. “You mean like a husband?” I looked between the two. “Is that what I need to do? Propose? Will that make her forgive me?”

Jared rolled his eyes. “If you propose to her right now you’ll lose her for good. What Parker means, is that you need to show her you’re a fucking man and you won’t fuck up again. You have to actually be there for her.”

“I can do that- I’ve been trying to do that, she just won’t let me in. She claims I haven’t been truthful, but I feel like she’s going through something she won’t talk to me about.” I confessed, rubbing the back of my neck.

“It must be something stressful,” Parker nodded in agreement. “She looks so thin.”

I looked over at her, as she held Lucas in her arms. He looked so much bigger, but I think it was because Lei’s arms were thinner, or her waist was smaller. They were right, she was so much thinner. It didn’t look right. “Why won’t she tell me what’s going on?”

“Because she doesn’t trust you.” Jared stated simply. “Which is where you start. You have to rebuild her trust.”

“So what do you two suggest I do?” I mumbled, looking at them for answers. If there was anyone I should be asking, it would be those two.

“Give her space, for starters,” Parker nodded. “The rest is up to you. How you choose to fix things is completely up to you.”

How I chose to fix things?

I had no idea. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, and I knew that one wrong move could permanently keep us apart. I'd never really given much thought to me and Leighton breaking up, because I never thought it was something that could happen to us. I guess you could say I've been feeling kind of numb as of lately. I didn't believe her words. But when she failed to talk to me the past week, I grew worried. It started to feel all too real and it gave me an anxiety attack.
Two, actually. While I slept in Jared's guest room each night, I pushed myself deeper and deeper into a chronic panic, my palms sweating and shaking as I imagined what it would be like to lose Leighton for good. That wasn't something I could risk. I couldn't lose her.

I just didn't know how to save us before it was too late.