White Walls

“I just want to say that I’m extremely proud of you, son. I didn’t know you had it in you, but you’ve shown your mother and I that you’re capable of stepping up and taking responsibility. You’ve worked off your demons in rehab and you’ve transformed into a wonderful father for your new son. We couldn’t be prouder, John.”

“To John and Leighton,” my mother smiled, raising her glass as my father sat back down. I couldn’t think of a better way to Lucas’ one month. We said we weren’t going to be those parents who celebrated month-birthdays, but the first month for us was special and we wanted to spend it with family. So, we invited Leighton’s parents to lunch at the O’Callaghan family home. That way we brought together both of our families, even if it was just a lunch in the backyard.

“I’d also like to add in that we too are immensely proud of you, John,” Leighton’s mom smiled warmly. “We’re so excited to watch you and Leighton start your own family and can’t wait for the many years ahead.”

“Thank you, so much.” I nodded appreciatively as I looked at Leighton, who couldn’t look any happier as she played with Lucas’ tiny hand while he sat in the high-chair next to her. She was such a good mom to him already, and it blew my mind. There was nothing more beautiful than seeing her love for him. It was incredible. “But I wouldn’t be anything if it wasn’t for Lei.”

“Stop it,” she murmured, blushing. “I’m grateful to have you back and to have our family together. It means the world to me.”

I never imagined my family to look like this or to feel this loving and together. I was lost for words. It was truly an amazing thing and a bond I hoped would never break.

I was going to try my hardest to make sure of it.

***

“I can’t believe you’d just leave your family like that!”

I groaned, running a hand through my hair as I sat in my fathers’ office. “Dad, it’s not like that, okay? I didn’t choose to leave, Leighton made me.” I stated, for the fourth time. I’d stopped by that afternoon to pick up a bunch of papers about Lucas’ medical history. He was getting an injection during the week, like all the other kids, but it would require certain paperwork that for some reason had been sent to my family home instead of our loft. Leighton had told my mom about the break up who evidently told my dad. It wasn’t until now that I was faced with him, as I’d been trying to avoid him since it happened. I already knew what he was going to say to me and I didn’t need to hear it.

“And why did she do that? Hm? What did you do?”

Of course, it was all my fault. Well I mean it partially was, but I hated how he felt so comfortable as to always blame it on me.

“I don’t know, okay? She’s just not talking to me and she hasn’t been honest with me for a long time! I don’t know what went wrong!” I snapped, not wanting to give him the whole truth.

“Well your mother tells me it’s because you’re breaking your promises- are you drinking again? I swear to god if you’re a drunk, John. I didn’t bring you up to be abusive to your family! You’ll be going straight back to rehab if that’s the case!” He thundered. It made me wonder just how soundproof this office was, and if his colleagues could hear him.

“I’m not a fucking drunk!” I hissed, trying to coax him into keeping his voice down. “And I’m twenty eight years old for damn sake, you don’t control my life anymore!”

“Well it seemed like when I did you were a decent human being!” He threw back, pacing behind his desk.

“Oh please, you think if I don’t follow your orders I’m an asshole? If I followed what you said I’d be in that office over there, kissing your ass like a little bitch.” I muttered. I won’t lie, I was pissed off and when I was pissed off around my father, I swore like a sailor. He just made me so angry with how narrow minded he could get, because I was the total opposite of that. He didn’t usually comment on my language, because I got it from him. We never swore around mom though, she’d have both our asses if she heard us now.

“You’d be damn lucky to have a job here,” he scoffed, shaking his head. “You’d have a more stable income to support your family. You’d know what it’s like to be the main source of income, someone Leighton can rely on.”

I rolled my eyes. “You don’t know shit about what Leighton and I make.” I scoffed, although he wasn’t too far off, with our income it wavered. Seeing as the money the band brought in wasn’t a set amount for each tour, we could get more or less than the time before. Or a record could do better than the last, bringing in more than we expected. Hence the gold album. Usually I made more than Leighton did, but that’s because our industries were different. It wasn’t something we thought too much about. “I’m reliable.”

“Oh right,” he said sarcastically. “Is that why she broke up with you?”

I sat there for a moment, pondering the question. It hurt, that’s for sure, and I couldn’t help but get a little emotional over it. Why did she break up with me? I thought she loved me…you don’t do that to the people you love. And what did she mean it hurt to love me? That would have to be the worst break up line in the history of bad break ups. It sure as hell hurt the most.

“Maybe she’d be better off without you.” He muttered, shaking his head as he stopped behind his chair. “God knows she’s been through too much with you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I frowned, sitting up straighter.

“She should have just taken Lucas when she found out she was pregnant. You weren’t ready to be a father and you’re still not. Look at you. You haven’t learnt a thing about your relationship with that girl.” He scoffed.

My eyes widened. I couldn’t believe how wrong he was. “I’m a good father!” I exclaimed, standing up in anger. “I’m a fucking good father! Leighton leaving me has done nothing to me as a father! I’m still there for my son and I always will be!”

“What, now that you’ve been kicked out of the family home?” My father retorted. I don’t know what my mother saw in him, but I wasn’t a fan. Not one bit. “I’m not saying this to be an asshole John, I’m being realistic. You need to think about your life and where you’re at. You’re almost thirty and you’re still unmarried, you have a child out of wedlock and your relationship with his mother is a failure. Your career is anything but stable and-“

“Don’t forget the part where I was sexually abused as a child and my parents didn’t notice a thing.”
Finding out what breaks your fathers’ heart is and will always feel like shit. I wanted to retract the sentence as soon as it left my mouth. But I couldn’t, I’d already fucked up. Again.

“Get out.”

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“Lucas! Baby please!” I sighed, standing in his door way. I had a half hour until I was going to be late for work and it may have sounded like a while but with the rate we were at this morning, it didn’t seem like a lot of time at all.

For starters, he wasn’t getting out of bed.

“N-no! Go away!” He screamed, pulling the covers over his head.

I sighed, walking in and pulling them down to the end of his bed. “Lucas, get up. Now.”

“No!”

“You can’t keep fighting with me, it’s naughty!” I scolded, biting my tongue on the words that really wanted to spill out. This wasn’t John. I could cuss at John, but not at my son. “Get up. Come on, we’re going to get you dressed and to Uncle Jared’s. Now.”

“No! Go away!” He squealed as I lifted him out of bed. I wasn’t impressed with his behaviour one little bit and it was starting to piss me off.

“You’re getting up, Lucas. Don’t test me.” I warned, gripping his arm as I reached over for his clothes.

“No!” He cried, trying to hit me as I held his arms away from my face.

I was so sick of that word. I grabbed him forcefully and made him stand still in front of me. “Don’t talk to me like that, Lucas. You’re supposed to be a big boy. Is this how big boys behave? Or are you being a baby? Huh? Are you a baby?”

“Not a baby!” He screamed in my face.

That’s it.

“Right. We’re going. You’re not having breakfast until you see daddy. You can go in your pajamas for all I care.” I scoffed, standing up and pulling him behind me, my grip tight on his arm. On our way out to the car, I grabbed his packed back and my own. He was staying with John and Jared today, and then I’d be getting him again tonight to take home. I just needed the space today, he was doing my head in and if I heard him scream at me one more time, I was going to snap at him.

I ignored his words as I strapped him into his backseat, slamming the door behind me before running back to my front door to lock it.

“Five minutes of silence, please.” I begged, looking up at the sky. “You’ve dealt me a really shitty hand, all I ask for, is five minutes today.”

Please.

***

JOHN’S POV

I can’t believe how much of an asshole I was. I hated this person I’d turned into, and what was the worst of it, was that I hadn’t realised. I hadn’t realised it because it didn’t feel any different to what I used to be like three years ago.

That was the worst part.

So that’s why I was mentally kicking myself as I sat in my truck, stopped at the top of Jared’s lawn.
I hated myself. Fuck the medication. I wanted to feel the depression- I deserved it. Let it fucking take me now. My parents would be so much better off without an asshole like me. My father was right in every sense of the word.

I’d never been suicidal and I’m not saying I was going to crash my truck into the side of my best friends’ house, but I’d never been this close to the dark side. It was tempting, and I fucking loathed it and loved it all at the same time.

But then I remembered back to when I was seven.

When I was keeping that ugly secret from just about everyone that I knew and loved. When I never thought I would find a love like Leighton. When I never thought I’d have kids of my own. When I never thought I was worth it.

All I wanted was my father to tell me I was going to be okay. Because your mother’s heart is so much easier to break than your father’s heart.

I wasn’t going to put Lucas through that feeling. If Leighton didn’t want me, fine. Understandable, she deserved better. She deserved a better love. My love wasn’t good enough and I’ve known that for the past twenty years. But my son deserves a father and I wasn’t going to take that from him.

That’s why I was fighting this. For him; even if he didn’t know it.

I looked up when I saw Leighton pull into Jared’s driveway. She stopped and dropped her head into her hands. I looked into the backseat and frowned when I realised that Lucas was screaming his head off at her.

Bad morning, I knew what that was like.

I got out of my truck and approached her car, knocking on the window. She looked so exhausted, so fragile. She needed a break and his nonsense wasn’t giving that to her.

She opened the window, looking down at her lap. “Just take him. I’ll be back later.”

That was all she said before she wound her window back up. I didn’t even get to say anything to her. But if she didn’t want to look at me, or speak to me, I wasn’t going to upset her further and force her to do that. I was done breaking her.

She was too fragile for me to fuck around with anymore.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

When I got to work, I wanted to cry. Having a bad start to the day only assured a bad rest of the day. It didn’t help that there was a bunch of paperwork on my desk to be filled out for shipping and handling.

“Jack!” I called, as I walked into my office, dropping my bag on my chair. He was in my office within five seconds. “What’s all this?”

He frowned. “All what?”

“Why is there paperwork from shipping and handling on my desk?” I asked, sitting down behind my screen and logging in.

“Because you haven’t filled it out?” He questioned, clearly confused.

“It shouldn’t be mine to fill out. You’re head of that department, don’t you think it’s about time you started filling them out? Honestly, it’s not that hard.” I scoffed, letting my bad mood get the best of me.
“You should pick up a bit more responsibility around here.”

“Sorry, I was just getting a coffee. I packed three thousand orders yesterday, I didn’t get a break and I didn’t get home until eleven. But no worries boss, I’m on it.” He shot back, picking up the stack of papers and leaving with a second glance.

I sighed, cursing myself for being a bitch. I shouldn’t be taking it out on-

“Hey boss!” Caleb greeted as he walked into my office. “Tim’s coming down to do some stuff for the interns and Elijah so I was thinking you could come with me to the Sample Shed. I need to look at samples for my line and I figured-“

“What, you need someone to hold your hand?” I scoffed, my eyes burning at the brightness of the screen.

“I…I guess not.” He nodded awkwardly. “Sorry for bothering you.”

When he turned to walk away, I sighed and called out his name. He turned around to look at me with a questioning look.

“I’m sorry,” I sighed, dropping my head into the support of my hands for the second time that morning. “I keeping acting like a bitch to you guys. I’m sorry.”

“Is everything okay?” He asked quietly, walking in and closing the door behind him. “Is it Lucas?”

“You could say,” I shrugged. “It’s only fair though. He’s mad at me because I broke up with John last week.”

Caleb’s eyes widened. Oh. I hadn’t really told anyone around here about that. I don’t even think Tim knew, unless John had told him. I really needed to keep up with who I was telling these kinds of things.

“It’s not a big deal,” I said quickly, keeping my voice down. “And don’t tell anybody, especially not Tate.”

“Isn’t she your best friend?” Caleb asked, surprised.

I retreated, sitting back. “Well yeah, but…I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. I’m over that.”

“But Leighton, it’s a pretty big thing to go through, especially when you’ve got a kid and you’ve been together for so long.” Caleb pointed out softly. “I don’t know how I’d be able to get out bed every day let alone come to work.”

“Well when you’re in charge of so much here, you don’t have a choice.” I shrugged. “Plus, I’m fine. I don’t need time off. It’s better if I just focus on work and my son.”

He nodded slowly, not looking convinced. “Alright. Sample Shed later?”

I nodded. “Of course. Sounds good. Also, can you tell Jack that I’m sorry for being a bitch.”

“Yeah, no worries Lei,” Caleb chuckled as he left my office, closing the door behind him.

Dropping my head into my hands, I sighed deeply. I promised myself I wasn’t going to let this affect my job. I should have expected that Lucas would hate my guts for making John leave. Apparently kids seemed to remember broken promises a lot more than their parents did. I only hoped that he’d get over it soon enough because I don’t know how much more I could take. I wasn’t strong enough for his stuttering words of hate, even if he didn’t know what they meant or how much they could hurt. I didn’t have someone here to tell me he didn’t mean them. And that was all my fault, so I had no choice but to suck it up and get on with my day.

Even if that meant breaking down a little when nobody was watching.

***

JOHN’S POV

“So Jay just had a go at you?” Jared asked, somewhat surprised.

I shrugged, nodding as I watched Parker play with Lucas and his blocks in the middle of the living room. I told him to take it easy on her because her baby bump was growing quickly and soon enough she wouldn’t be able to bend over as much. It was weird, seeing a normal, healthy pregnancy. Leighton was sick a lot of the time and didn’t start showing until late. She really had been through a lot of shit.

“You know how he gets.” I mused, rolling my eyes. “I mean…I retaliated and said…something stupid and now he hates me.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t hate you, John,” Parker said, sending me a caring look. “He just wants what he thinks is best for you.”

“He accused me of being a drunk, and he basically said I was unreliable and not good enough for Lei.” I stated, sending her a look. “He thinks my career is a load of-“ I stopped myself quickly, before accidentally cursing in front of my son. “He made a list of all of my failures.”

“How did you retaliate?” Jared winced, knowing that when my father and I got into it, we really got into it.

“I reminded him that him and my mom didn’t notice what happened to me as a kid.” I mumbled, rubbing the back of my neck in shame.

“John…” Parker sighed, shaking her head. “You have to learn how to control your emotions. That’s something they’ll probably never forgive themselves for.”

“I know,” I sighed, nodding in agreement. “But I couldn’t help it. I was just so mad.”

“Because of what he was saying?” Jared asked.

I shrugged. “It was all true. I’m not good enough for her and if my dad can see it, well that’s gotta mean something.”

“Dada, hungry…” Lucas whined, looking up at me.

“What do you want bub?” I asked, leaning forward on the couch.

“Uhm…apple pie!”

“Do you wanna go to Waffle House?” I suggested, opening my arms for him.

“Yes!”

“You guys wanna come?” I asked, looking over at them.

“Definitely,” Parker scoffed, “Cravings.”

“I thought that was only peanut butter covered pickles.” Jared asked with a confused frown.

“Parker that’s disgusting,” I laughed, standing up with Lucas in my arms.

“Oh shut up,” she muttered, getting up from the floor and hobbling out of the living room, Lucas trailing after her because he loved the feeling of being needed.

I felt a firm hand on my shoulder, one that had become all too familiar over the past ten or more years. I looked over at my best friend, the wise one, not the smart ass.

“You are good enough for her, you know that, right? You just fuck up a lot and get your priorities mixed up.” He said softly, keeping his voice low. “You’re not a bad guy.”

Oh, right. We’re happily married with another baby on the way.

Not.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“Hey this is Jac, if you’re trying to reach me, I’m on my honeymoon with my gorgeous husband, so
don’t bother calling me until I’m-“

I sighed, not bothering to leave a message after the beep. I hung up and dropped my phone down onto my desk. Ever since returning from mine and Caleb’s trip to the Sample Shed, I couldn’t help the lonely feeling as I sat alone in my office. I definitely need somebody to vent to tonight and my three-year-old son who currently had it out for me just wasn’t going to cut it.

I’d called Hilary earlier, but she had to decline my offer to organise some sort of meeting with Austin and their lawyers. Apparently when you divorced your husband you had to split things like money and property. I can’t see him wanting all of their money because Hilary had to take care of Alexandra, but I could definitely see him being difficult about it. To my knowledge they hadn’t spoken since the court hearing because he’d been in and out of rehab and special clinics so much.
I guess it was good to know he was trying.

I decided against calling Parker, feeling that wouldn’t get me very far when she would only be going home to see the very person I wanted to cry about. Oh and she couldn’t drink, so there was that.
Lydia again wasn’t someone I think even knew about us breaking up (unless John had told Kennedy, who had passed it on). Plus, I feel like she’d be on his side. We weren’t as close these days- not because there was bad blood, but because we just didn’t see each other as much.

The last person I could really turn to, would be Tate. She was always on my side, no matter what. We were always the one each other turned to when we wanted to complain (well, bitch) about our significant other. We were that comfortable with each other I knew she’d have my back.
When the clock hit six, I gathered my things up and left my office, to find everyone doing pretty much the same. I stopped at Tate’s desk, noticing she seemed unusually happy about something.

“Hey, are you free tonight?” I asked, slipping my phone into my back pocket. I was really counting on-

“I wish I was babe, but I have plans with Garrett,” she responded, throwing her things into her bag in such a rush I thought she was going to knock me out. “I’ve got good feelings about this.”

“Oh, that’s cool,” I nodded, “good luck then.”

“Thanks, I’ll call you tomorrow with the details.” She winked, giving me a quick hug before walking out with the others.

I looked around the empty warehouse, feeling the loneliness overshadow me. Was this what my life was going to consist of now? I know it was selfish to think that everybody would be able to drop everything for me, but…I needed my friends right now. It turns out keeping this all to myself wasn’t doing me any good. It was getting harder and harder to deal with. I hadn’t even told my parents, for crying out loud.
I headed out to my car after locking up the warehouse, jumping when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I slipped it out and felt my eyes fill with tears at the message from John.

John: the kid is kicking up a stink about going home. I’ll keep him here for the night, make things easier. night x

My own son didn’t want to be around me. I didn’t want to be around me. I needed somebody who wasn’t going to judge me and who wouldn’t mind getting drunk with me tonight. Preferably nobody that knew the ins and outs of what was going on in my private life.

But my list narrowed down to just about nobody. They were all too busy and I guess I’d just have to get used to that. I was the one who broke up with him, their friend. I was the bad guy here. So, I guess I didn’t deserve their comfort. Looks like it was just me and Jack tonight.

Daniels, that is.