White Walls

“G’ma!”

Jenny beamed as she opened the door to us, opening her arms for her second grandson, who lurched forward from John’s arms and into his grandmother’s. It had been a tiring Saturday yesterday; after Lucas and John’s tantrum, I put Lucas down for a nap and found John in our bed, trying to clear his head. I sat down and talked him over how we were going to punish Lucas, and how we would go about punishing him in the future. I told him that if he ever felt his anger rising to a six or higher, (yes, I was making him use an imaginary scale) he’d let me handle it. This was secretly my way of making sure he didn’t get too close to the edge and lay a hand on Lucas. I couldn’t see him doing it, but you don’t know with someone on this much medication.

I was just glad it was a Sunday and we were going down to the offices to hang out. Usually we took Lucas with us, but we definitely needed a babysitter in order to refresh ourselves for the coming week. It was hard being as young as we were and cutting out just about every other socializing event because we couldn’t find a babysitter.

I knew John needed the break too, and I was relieved he was going to get it. He’d been in such close proximity with Lucas’ constant bad mood, it was starting to rub off on him. Which in turn, had rubbed off on me.

“Oh hello my sweet child,” Jenny cooed, kissing his cheek. “How is my favourite little man?”

“See I was always the favourite, so of course my kid is going to be the favourite grandchild.” John said smugly, kissing his mom on the cheek before walking in.

I sent Jenny a look and greeted her with a hug. “Thank you so much for taking him tonight.” I sighed gratefully. “We really needed this.”

“I know you did sweetheart, and it really is no problem at all. Jay and I love looking after the kids.” She said with a smile. It was strange to think that only three years ago she was constantly nagging us about starting a family.

“And this little terror loves his grandma and grandpa, huh? Don’t you my little rugrat?” I cooed to Lucas, who just gave me a funny look.

I rolled my eyes playfully and followed John into the kitchen.

“Leighton, John, how are you both?” Jay asked, as he gave both myself and John a hug.

“Good, good,” John nodded, “how are you feeling pops?”

Jay nodded positively as we made our way into the living room. I could smell Jenny’s amazing cooking from here and felt my stomach rumbling with desire. “I’m doing much better, son.”

A few months ago, Jay had had a stroke. We didn’t know about his bad health until John got a call from Ross saying that their father was in the hospital. This was in the middle of the night mind you, so we were half asleep already thinking the worst. Thankfully it wasn’t as serious as our worst thoughts made it out to be and he was okay, he just had to watch himself from now on.

“That’s really good to hear,” I nodded, glad he was feeling better. I couldn’t imagine losing him. He was a big part of our family, like my own father was.

“And how’s the little one?” Jay asked as Jenny sat beside him with Lucas in her lap.

“He’s been a nightmare,” John scoffed, sitting back into the sofa, putting his arm around my shoulders. “It’s the terrible two’s, so he’s been having all sorts of tantrums.”

“You were just as bad, mind you,” Jenny tutted towards John. “Running down the street naked, hitting the little girl next door.”

“Aw, did someone have a crush?” I teased, poking him in the ribs.

John blushed. “I did not-“

“I do believe your first kiss was with the Mason’s daughter,” Jenny nodded, “you were about five?”

“Oh come on, that’s not a real first kiss.” John scoffed, waving her off. “Has Ross or Shane been round?”

“Ross and Jules are over visiting her parents in Florida, and no, Shane isn’t back from his trip yet.” Jenny said, shaking her head. “Oh that reminds me, it’s his twenty first soon. We’re throwing a party for him so you two will need to clear your schedules once we’ve got the date sorted.”

“Twenty one? Just yesterday he was our little high school graduate!” I pouted, grabbing John’s hand.
“He’s getting so old now!”

“And just think, he’s only a year younger than you were when I got you pregnant with Lucas.” John smirked.

“John Cornelius,” Jenny scolded as she played with Lucas’ blonde wavy locks. “Don’t you dare go putting thoughts into his head. He doesn’t need to follow either yours or Ross’ footsteps, you hear me?”

I blushed, as did John. Jenny had always wanted her sons to get married before they had children (and sex, but that was doomed from the start). She wasn’t upset that Lucas and Jonah had been born out of ‘wedlock’, but she would have preferred we been married first, just to solidify our relationship. She was alright with Ross now that he was married, but she was constantly bugging John and myself about it, warning us that we ‘better not have any more surprises before we married’. She was a very conventional woman, something John liked to challenge with nearly every aspect of his life.

“Jeez, chill out mom,” John chuckled. “Me and Lei aren’t having anymore kids and I doubt Shane will even want any.”

“Oh you’re not?” Jenny frowned. “Leighton I thought you wanted to try for another?”

Okay so maybe the last time I’d visited Jenny I’d gone on about how I wanted another kid, but since then and since the other night, my mind had changed. John clearly didn’t want any more kids, and I wasn’t going to push him into what he didn’t think he’d be able to handle.

John looked at me. “Wait, you do?”

I blushed, embarrassed we were even talking about this. “I uh- I mean, I did, but I’m happy with just Lucas.” I assured, an awkward smile gracing my lips. I know John was dying to push it further but I was just glad he kept it in in front of his parents.

We moved on from that topic and caught up with what Jenny and Jay had been up to since the last time we’d seen them. Eventually lunch was ready and we moved to the dining table to eat, and my high expectations of Jenny’s food were met yet again. It definitely put my cooking attempts to shame.

This however, didn’t seem to phase Lucas, as he began to play up, refusing to eat his food once again.

I heard John sigh beside me, his knuckles turning white as he gripped his fork. He was exhausted, and it was beginning to show on his face. I put my hand over his, and felt it relax. “Switch seats with me,” I murmured, “let me deal with him.”

John nodded quietly, and stood, allowing me to slide over, swapping our plates as I did so.

“Everything alright?” Jenny asked, raising an eyebrow at us.

“He’s been like this all week.” John sighed, nodding down towards Lucas.

“Come on bub,” I said softly, rubbing his back. “Why don’t you want to eat?”

“Yucky f-food,” Lucas pouted.

“Yucky?” I gasped dramatically, “Lukey, it’s grandma’s cooking! Grandma’s cooking is the best cooking!”

“Better than d-daddy’s,” Lucas shrugged to himself before looking at me. “Not hungry mama.”

“I don’t care bub, you need to eat. Do it for mommy?” I pouted, tickling behind his ear. Apparently it was a weak spot for all of us.

He let out a dramatic sigh before doing so.

I kissed the top of his head before sending John a smirk, which he playfully rolled his eyes at before kissing my forehead.

“Thank you,” He murmured in my ear.

“You just gotta stay calm,” I murmured in his.

He nodded quietly before taking my hand under the table.

It was all about the balance.

***

We left Lucas at John’s parents later that afternoon and John practically had to pull me away from the little boy. Lucas was still in a mood with John after we made him clean the studio walls (he didn’t do a very good job, being a two year old so me and John had to go back when he was asleep and go over it) and John didn’t mind, to be honest. Lucas didn’t say goodbye and John was just glad to get away from the tantrums he’d been facing for the past week. Lucas wasn’t always this bad, and John wasn’t always this intolerable.

But three years of challenged emotions was starting to get to him.

John tried to say goodbye to him, but didn’t push it. Lucas was quite moody himself, and could be quite temperamental sometimes so we tried not to be too overwhelming or pressuring- well, I tried. John snapped a lot easier than I did which was something we both knew he needed to work on.

We got into John’s truck and he sighed as we pulled out of the driveway.

“I’m still pissed about the studio, but I really hope he doesn’t burst into tears once we leave,” John said as he started off down the driveway. “I can’t have my little man crying over me.”

Oh how ironic that would eventually come to be…

“He’s not going to burst into tears, babe, he just needs space.” I insisted, now beginning to worry after that statement.

“He’s two years old, he shouldn’t need space.” John mumbled, stopping at a red light. “I know I was harsh on him…but Lei maybe we shouldn’t go out tonight. Maybe we should spend the night with him-“

“No, John.” I said firmly. “We need this space too. I know it’s not ideal to need space from your kid but our circumstances are different and you especially need the night off to refresh your mind. You can’t be screaming at Lucas anymore. It’ll only hurt you both.”

He nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, you’re right. Fuck, I’m so bad at this.”

“You are not- you’re still learning. We’ve only been doing this for almost three years. It’s a learning process.” I reminded him.

“Then why are you so good at this?” He scoffed. “You’re younger than me and you know more about it than me.”

“Last week I had to call my mom and ask her if it was okay for Lucas to still be using his pacifier.” I stated out. “And remember on his first birthday? I didn’t even know if he was allowed to eat cake.”

“Even though I’d been feeding him cake for months before,” John chuckled with a nod.

“See? We have our weaknesses babe, but we do have our strengths to balance us out, which is what you need when you’re raising a child.” I advised. He should know this, I brainwashed him with the baby books every time I visited him in the rehab centre.

“You’re right, god you’re so good at being a mom.” He scoffed, shaking his head. “You should let Mr.
and Mrs. Custody Battle know about this.”

I smacked him on the arm. “Don’t John, their marriage is falling apart.”

“Yeah, because they weren’t ready to have kids. Just because you get married, doesn’t mean you’re ready for that. And the same goes for the other way round.” He ‘stated’. I didn’t agree at all. If you were ready for kids I thought you’d be more than ready for marriage. I mean I thought we were ready for marriage and had been for the past three years.

“Oh come on, they were ready. They waited after they got married.” I threw back. “They’re great parents individually.”

John looked over at me. “You think that’s it? Maybe they just weren’t meant to be great parents…together?”

Oh shit. I hadn’t even realised what I just said. Was that true? Were they better off as parents without the marriage and the relationship? No, of course not. That didn’t make sense because they were perfect together. I guess now I was beginning to realise why she kept saying it was ‘complicated’ between them. Now that there was a baby involved and they were legally bound, they couldn’t just break up.
They had to work out their issues before they ran away from each other.

“I really don’t know,” I sighed, looking over at him. “Let’s not talk about that though, I don’t even want to think about them splitting up.”

“Yeah you’re right,” he nodded. “You know what we can talk about?”

“What’s that?” I hummed, playing with the ends of my blonde hair. I’d recently put green towards the ends to amuse Lucas one day when I was home with him. It’d gotten longer now too, almost reaching my waist. I’d decided to grow it out and was glad I did because the change was good for me. John had also lightened his hair and it definitely made his eyes stand out more. He’d cut it too, so it was shorter than the shoulder length mop he’d been sporting when he left rehab. They didn’t have access to a groomer in there so he hadn’t been able to cut it. Personally I think he enjoyed that hairstyle but I made sure it was gone before Lucas was here because I knew he’d regret it when he saw the photos years from then.

“We can talk about what my mom said earlier,” he mused, “about you wanting to have another kid- I thought you said you didn’t want that.”

“At the time when I was talking to your mom I was in the mood for another baby and I was going to bring it up with you. But then I had a change of heart. Maybe in the future we could have another kid, I’m just not so sure about right now.” I explained, assuring him that there was no issue or misunderstanding.

“But I’ll be thirty in two years,” he pointed out. “You sure?”

I nodded. “It’s not even on my mind babe, trust me.”

He nodded slowly. “Okay, I trust you.”

Sometimes it just helped to hear those three words a little more often than I already did.

***

JOHN’S POV

“Dude, Lucas’ mom is looking hot tonight,” Eric teased before taking a sip of his beer.

I looked across the backyard of the 8123 building and nodded my head a I found her standing with the girls. “Of course she does,” I threw back playfully. “She always does.”

She honestly did look amazing tonight. She claimed she just ‘threw something on’ but that didn’t do her justice. She looked stunning in her knee length dress and wavy hair. She made my heart race like the early days and a fire start in my stomach…and certain other places that made me want her even more.

“See that’s what I don’t get,” Garrett stated, raising his beer to me. “She’s hot now, but how could she still be hot when she was pregnant? I know they always say pregnancy is a beautiful thing, but how is that possible when they’re always crying, puking and screaming at you?”

“And this is why you, my friend, will never have kids.” Austin scoffed as he walked up, catching the end of Garrett’s question. I guess the fact that his on/off relationship involving a girl that couldn’t physically have kids had slipped Austin’s mind. “You won’t understand it until you experience it.”

“What pregnancy?” Garrett scoffed, alright maybe he was a little drunk.

“No, when your girl is pregnant, asshat,” Austin groaned. We couldn’t help but laugh at Garrett’s naivety. “there’s just something…beautiful about the fact that this girl you love is carrying your child, a child that will turn out to be the most important thing in your life- for the rest of your life.”

“I think I’ll stick to the godfather role.” Eric murmured, “Babies freak me out- I mean Alex is cute and so was Lucas, but I hated holding your kids.” He admitted.

“You’re perfectly fine with Lucas and he’s still only a toddler.” I pointed out, rolling my eyes at him. I knew I should’ve given Tim godfather duties.

“Yeah but that’s because now he can support his own head.” Eric scoffed, downing the rest of his beer and taking my empty bottle. “You want another dude?”

I looked over at Leighton, who seemed to be nursing her own beer. I figured she’d be driving us home like she usually did so I didn’t say no to his offer. When he left, I took the chance to grill Austin about his marriage. With that comment, it sounded like things were back on track with them.

“So how’s Hilary?” I asked, once Garrett had gone off to find Tate and probably hook up with her. Or get high with her. Either one.

Austin let out a frustrated groan. “She’s such a bitch these days. God she makes me feel like I don’t even have a right to see my own daughter.”

“But you guys are still living together, right?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, we don’t want Alexandra to get confused.”

“But doesn’t it make you unhappy?” I frowned.

He shrugged. “If it were you and Lei, would you leave her? Would you be able to handle touring and being a single dad?”

“I think stability is more my issue,” I mused, “but me and Lei aren’t married so it’d be easier- I mean I couldn’t ever leave her but…”

“It doesn’t matter if I’m not happy. I made a commitment to her that I have to come through on.” He said simply, skulling the rest of his beer. “I kind of wish I hadn’t asked her to marry me and we’d just done the same as you two because God, everything changes man. Everything.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair before looking at his beer. “I’m getting another. I’ll catch you later dude.” He nodded, patting me on the shoulder.

As he left I was left to my own thoughts, basking in my own mind. Sometimes that could be a dangerous thing. But I couldn’t help but feel confused after that. Of course I’d thought about marrying Leighton, and not just to humour my mom. But now? Everything changes. Not a lot had changed between me and Lei, just that we had a lot less time for ourselves and more of our money went to our son, but that was a given. I mean it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. But would marrying her be a bad thing?

God I remember the day she told me she was pregnant, it changed my life for the better. Maybe marriage would do the same?

“Hey darlin’,” I murmured, pulling her into my arms. It’d been two weeks since I’d seen her because she couldn’t make last weeks’ appointment. She’d said she was sick but I had my doubts about that because she didn’t ever miss a session, even when she was sick.

“Hey John,” she sighed, wrapping her arms around my waist. She sounded exhausted so I pulled her down to sit on the single bed I’d been sleeping in for the past three months. I didn’t realise I was going to be in here for so long so I’d gotten quite used to sleeping alone. “How are you?”

“I’d rather ask you.” I stated. “You look exhausted babe. What’s going on?”

“I’ve been really sick lately,” she admitted, “like, bedridden sick.”

It sucked that I couldn’t be home to look after her. If I could, I don’t think I’d do much help. I was currently in the most gruelling stage of my recovery and was dying for a drink too. I think it was better that she was sick without me there- if I was home she’d probably never get better.
Neither would I, I suppose.

“That’s not good,” I pouted, rubbing her stomach as she sat beside me. She did it to me sometimes to subtly check whether I’d been losing weight. “You been throwing up-“

I stopped and started down at her stomach. It was so…firm, and rounded- I felt that beneath her sweater. I looked up at her and she was biting her lip with worried eyes. Her expression softened as my eyes filled with tears.

“Seriously?” I croaked, my voice raspier than normal.

She nodded softly. “You’re okay with that?”

“Okay? Darlin’ this is more than okay- we’re having a baby.” I whispered, kissing her passionately. Was I scared out of my mind? Of course I was. But I knew we didn’t have a choice, we had to have this baby. I know she’d want to keep it and even though I was scared and not one hundred percent excited about it, if it made her happy then I’d learn to be. This was her time now. We’d spent so much time on my problems now I wanted to focus on her happiness and what she wanted. I had to learn to put her and
the baby first.

We were gonna be okay.

“John!”

I looked up as Leighton and Eric stood in front of me. I took the beer from Eric and a kiss form Leighton. “Sorry, I was just-“

“Day dreaming?” Leighton giggled, wrapping her arm around my waist underneath my t-shirt. She seemed a lot looser than I thought she’d be. It didn’t really matter I guess, I’d call us a cab if I had to.

“Yeah,” I chuckled, kissing her forehead before taking a sip of my beer. “You all right?”

She nodded quickly, kissing my jaw continuously. “Halvo got me der-unk.”

I glared at him, but he only smirked at me.

“You’ll thank me later bud,” he teased, before walking off to find Jac, probably.

“You wanna go-“

“Go to the bathroom? Sure.” She nodded quickly, pulling me with her through the back door of the offices. Okay that was not what I meant, at all. But hey, we hadn’t had time for us in a long time. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

“Babe,” I chuckled, as she pulled me through the hallways, not caring that she was dragging me into walls. “You’re not thinking straight-“

She turned around, throwing me a more than sober smirk. My eyes widened. “You really think I can get
drunk off of two beers?”

“I should have known better,” I nodded, kissing her passionately as she pulled me into Tim’s office.

I really hoped he wasn’t attached to that desk.