White Walls

JOHN’S POV

I wonder what she was doing right now. Maybe I should stop by the offices and ask Tim how she’d been going, whether she’d taken any time off. We had a long conversation the other day about it all. I needed my friends. They were all I had to lean on right now. Usually when I’m going through something I lean on my girlfriend but I was single right now so that was no longer an option.

Single.

I absolutely hated the word. I hadn’t been single in five years. Like I’d told her before, Leighton was my first and only proper relationship. She was the only person I’d ever fallen in love with. I’d made it to twenty-eight years old and she was the only girl I could say that about.

And I’d found a way to fuck it up and tear apart our family, something I said I’d never do. Maybe my dad was right, Leighton should have left me the minute she found out she was pregnant. She would be so much happier without me. Sure, we had a good few years, but I wasn’t an idiot- I could sense that something was falling apart between us, I just didn’t know how to fix it. So, I did the only thing I knew, and ignored it.

“More coffee, young man?” The older woman behind the counter offered, holding up a steaming pot.

I gave her a small smile and pushing my empty cup forward. “Not so young anymore.” I chuckled honestly.

She narrowed her eyes as she poured my coffee. “What’s a gentleman like you doing moping about by yourself on a beautiful day like today?” She asked thoughtfully.

Was I moping? Did I look miserable? Were people looking at me?

“I uh, needed to clear my head.” I said, keeping it as brief as possible before I accidentally blurted out my life story to a complete stranger. I’d done that before, believe it or not.

“As they all do,” she hummed with a nod before leaving me and moving onto another customer.

I sighed and took a sip of my coffee. I winced at the taste, having forgotten to add sugar. This was how Leighton drank her coffee, whilst I added two tablespoons of sugar, a big step down from my usual four. She’d persuaded me a couple months ago to start having less and drinking less coffee because it was bad for me. I know she was only looking out for my health, but I survived partially on coffee every morning. After all, she was the one that took her big travel mug filled with twice as much coffee to work almost every day. I guess it was just a motherly thing she’d developed over the years, looking out for me.

She was so good to me.

Maybe she was right; maybe I shouldn’t have released the song. I know I should have at least told her about it. I guess it was just hard for me to comprehend, putting my relationship before the band. Back then the band was always my number one, just like Lei’s work was her number one. At the time that’s how it was, so that was why I gave the go ahead on the song. I didn’t know that three years down the track I’d have a kid, or still be with her. When Lucas came into it, that was when the band became my number two. My family was my number one.

I don’t know how I possibly lost track of that-

My thoughts were disrupted as my phone rang from inside my jacket pocket. I sighed and pulled it out, seeing it was Jared calling. I probably would have screened it if it wasn’t for the fact that him and Parker were looking after Lucas today. I’d picked my son up from Leighton when she rang earlier today because he wasn’t cooperating with her or something. He wasn’t treating her well, I knew that much. She’d tried to take part of her day off to spend time with him but ended up going into work anyway because he was screaming at her that he hated her.
It broke my heart that he was reacting like this because it wasn’t her fault. I was the one to blame here-

Fuck, I missed his call. Well, I guess if it was an emergency he’d call back-

I looked down at the phone in my hand to see his name flashing violently on my screen. My heart started to race. Maybe it was an emergency? I answered straight away this time, worried. “Hello?”

“Hey man, where are you right now?” Jared asked quickly. Oh god, he sounded like he was panicking.

Why was he panicking?

“I’m at a diner- what’s going on? Is Lucas okay?” I asked immediately, hardly giving him a chance to speak. My heart was racing overtime; I could hear the pounding in my ears.

“Yeah- shit dude it’s not Lucas, it’s Leighton. She’s in the hospital.”

***

As soon as I got to the hospital, I ran in through the doors and straight to the front desk, my hands shaking by my sides. Did I lock the truck? Fuck it, I don’t care. “Leighton Amelia Johnson? She was just brought in.” I said frantically, running a hand through my greasy hair.

“What is your relation to Miss Johnson?” The woman asked, looking up from her screen. She had no urgency about her, something I instantly despised.

“I’m her-“

What was I? We were no longer together. All I was, was the father of her child. That’s as close as we’d get. But I guess in situations like this, anything is necessary.

“I’m her husband.” I lied. “I’m her husband and I need to see her.”

The woman looked at me like she didn’t believe me, but she let me through nonetheless. She didn’t give me a room number, saying everyone that had come in with her was waiting in the waiting room. That didn’t make me feel any better. Jared said she fainted at work and hit her head on the way down. That scared me, because there could be fatal injuries to her face or head.

When I got to the waiting room, I found Jared and Parker talking with Tim and Tate, and another guy I think was from Leighton’s work. Lucas was nowhere in sight and I was glad they didn’t bring him along too. He didn’t need to know what was going on just yet.

“John!” Tim called, looking over Jared’s shoulder as he spotted me.

Jared turned around and I nearly collapsed into him.

“W-where is she?” I demanded. “Is she gonna be alright? What happened?”

“John, calm down,” Jared said softly, a firm grip on my shoulder. I think he did that for support- emotionally or physically, it was doing nothing for me. I was way past calm when I realised it would take me twenty minutes to get to the hospital from where I was. Anything could have happened in that time. What if something bad happened to her?

She could have- no, I’m not going to bring that in to the universe.

I took a deep breath, for their sake. “Where is she? Is she okay?” I asked, my voice still panicked. No matter what I did, I wouldn’t be calm any time soon.

“She’s in surgery right now,” Tim explained slowly, “John…when she fell…” He hesitated, like he was stuck for words. It only made it worse for me. “She…”

“She what?” I pushed, my heart racing.

“She fell through a glass shelving unit. They’re operating on her skull, John.”

My legs buckled beneath me and before I knew it I was being placed in one of the shitty plastic chairs, unable to hold my own weight. This wasn’t just some clumsy fall where she’d come out of it with a broken arm and a few scratches. This was so much more worse- they had her skull open for fucks’ sake.
I dropped my head into my hands, feeling the tears fill my eyes. How could this be happening? Why was our world falling apart? Why us? Why her? She’s been through so much shit in this life, I don’t how she wasn’t broken yet.

“W-why did she pass out?” I asked, looking up with red eyes. I don’t care if I was crying in front of my friends- my only concern right now was the girl I loved. I couldn’t lose her.

“We don’t know, man. Whatever she was feeling or going through- she masked it well through out the day.” Tim sighed as he sat beside me, a hand on my back. “I just heard this loud crash and when Tate went into her office, there was blood and glass everywhere.”

God it was happening all over again.

“She had cuts all over her face,” Tate mumbled, sitting beside me. “All over her arms…the doctors said they’d have to do a few stitches to close some of the deeper wounds, but apparently she had a shard of glass in the back of her head. They took her in for surgery half an hour ago.”

“Oh my god,” I choked. “What if she doesn’t make it? I can’t- guys I can’t live without her- she’s my…we were supposed to-she’s Lucas’ mom, she can’t die-“

I was pulled into Tate’s chest, where I let it all out. I know I was being a pussy about it but I needed to break down. My chest was caving in and I felt like my throat was closing up and I was finding it hard to breathe. I was having a panic attack.

“Calm down babe, take it easy,” Tate murmured in my ear as she rubbed my back. Even though Tate and I hadn’t been on the same page ever since she betrayed Garrett, I really appreciated her being there for me. God knows I might have called her a few unnecessary names when I found out, so I sure as hell didn’t deserve her comfort. “She’ll be okay, this is Lei. She’s going to pull through.”

Although the words were comforting, I don’t know how much I could believe them. Not when my baby was alone in some operating room with a bunch of doctors working on such an intricate part of the body. One wrong move, and it could all be over.

My whole world was crashing down around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

***

A steaming cup of coffee was held in front of my face as I sat quietly in that shitty plastic chair, evaluating every aspect of my life that involved her. There were so many things I needed her around for, so many things I couldn’t do with out her. We were supposed to raise our son together. Even if we had to do it from separate houses on different blocks, we could still do it together.

Since she found out she was pregnant, she told me ‘we’re stronger together than we are apart’ and I’ve never forgotten those words. I guess it’s what gave me the idea that one day we’d get back together, that it was inevitable. It was us; me and her. I couldn’t do this life without her- she had to know that.

I accepted the cup of coffee as Tate sat beside me, pushing the three empty cups from her seat before doing so. I was running on coffee to keep me awake and sane, as it had been four hours since we got here and we’d had no word on how the surgery was going.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, looking down at my hands.

“It’s alright,” she nodded quietly.

I looked around the room, to see some of our friends waiting with us. Jared was here, but Parker had gone home to see Lucas, who she’d left with her sister when they came here. Thankfully they understood that I couldn’t see him right now because I wanted to wait until I knew Leighton was going to be okay. I didn’t want him worrying just yet.

Tim was also here, keeping a close eye on me. The guy that had accompanied him had turned out to be Caleb (I didn’t recognize him through all the tears that blurred my vision) but he went home an hour ago, which was understandable. Garrett had showed up to bring us food (and probably to see Tate too) and he even managed to slip me a flask of whiskey, which I was responsibly adding to my coffee to keep me awake and alert. I probably didn’t need it but I wasn’t taking any chances.

Leighton’s parents were here too, but I let them have their space. I was going off of the idea that they didn’t know about the split, because they still treated me as one of their own.

I told my own parents as well (well, just my mom- I still loathed my father), but said I’d give them an update when I heard anything. Basically we had a lot of people on call, most of our friends, family, everyone. Hilary too was on her way, which I guess was good for Leighton, considering they’d gotten a lot closer through Hil and Austin’s divorce and probably our split.

“Eric and Jac are coming home early.” Tate spoke up, more so to the wall in front of us. I’d been staring at it for the past two hours.

“They shouldn’t…it’s their honeymoon.” I sighed, although understanding why they would. The four of us were a tight group.

“You know Jac and Lei are like sisters,” Tate nodded softly. “They tell each other everything.”

“Then I’m probably gonna get my ass kicked when they get here.” I mumbled, looking back down at my cup in shame.

“What? Why?” Tate frowned, looking over at me. “This wasn’t your fault.”

“No, for the break up.”

“You…you guys broke up?” She asked hesitantly.

I froze, my eyes widening. Don’t tell me Leighton hadn’t told anyone. Oh god if she was keeping this all to herself…

“She didn’t tell you?” I asked, surprised.

“No, she didn’t. You broke up with her? John…”

My head shot up. “I did not break up with her, she broke up with me.” I said firmly. “I’d never do that. She was the one that called it quits.”

“Shit, how long?” Tate asked, sitting back.

“I think almost two weeks. We’re not living together anymore, I’ve been staying with Jared and Parker.” I explained.

“I’m so sorry,” she sighed, placing a hand on my leg. “I had no idea…she didn’t say anything to me.”

“That’s Lei for ya,” I chuckled painfully. “It was probably a pride thing.”

“Sounds about right.” She nodded slowly.

“John!”

I looked up to see Hilary walking in, frantically a mess. “Hil,” I murmured as I stood. I hadn’t seen her in a while. Without sounding like a dick, she looked terrible. I’ll put it down to the divorce, though.

“Oh my gosh, how is she?” She asked, pulling me in for a tight hug. I knew for a fact that Hilary knew about our break up. She told Austin who called me up yelling at me, claiming I wasn’t supposed to fuck up my relationship too. It was a brutal call, but nothing I didn’t already know. Apparently he was going through some sort of cleanse, so I let him off the hook.

“We don’t know yet, she’s been in surgery for over four hours,” I sighed, the fear coming back to me. My confidence was wavering as the time went on.

“Shit,” Hilary swore, a hand to her forehead. “She fainted, didn’t she? Shit.”

“Miss Leighton Amelia Johnson?”

We all looked up, rushing to approach the doctor that came out with what we presumed to be information about Leighton.

“I’m Dr Hackney, I operated on Miss Johnson. I take it you’re all family and friends of hers?” He asked, looking between us.

“We’re her parents,” Mrs Johnson nodded eagerly.

“I’m her…partner.” I mumbled, feeling awkward about the term.

“Alright, I’m going to give you all a run down on what happened and her condition. Keep in mind that she is still in a critical condition,” he warned, before continuing on. “It is to our understanding that Leighton fainted this afternoon as a side effect to her condition of hyperthyroidism,” her what? “and during her fall she came in contact with a glass shelf. Obviously she has acquired many cuts and bruises over her exposed skin, along with intense head trauma. We had to take her in to emergency surgery because there was quite a large shard of glass towards the back of her head, which is extremely dangerous for her spine.”

Oh my god.

“We almost lost her during the surgery but we’ve managed to keep her breathing- with the help of a ventilator. As of right now, Leighton cannot breathe by herself.” He explained painfully.

Each word was like a knife cutting into my chest. I was panicking and the room was getting smaller. This couldn’t be happening. She couldn’t breathe?

“H-how? Why not?” I asked, my voice coming out shaky and unstable.

“Are you aware of Leighton’s condition?” He asked.

I frowned. What the fuck was that about? She’d never once mentioned hyper…whatever it was. I had no clue what he was talking about.

“Yes,” Hilary nodded, surprising us all. “I know about it.”

“Well it would seem that as a factor to that, Leighton’s heart isn’t as strong as we’d hope to be. Congestive heart failure is a big risk with her illness, and with Leighton’s weight, she is certainly a lot weaker. She’s borderline anorexic.” He explained slowly. Heart failure? Anorexic? How the fuck didn’t I know about all of this? How did Hilary know about this before me?! I was her boyfriend! I was more than that, and she didn’t think to tell me about it?!

“W-what does this all mean?” Leighton’s father asked. It was in his eyes I could see that his world was crumbling too. His only child, his little girl…

The doctor sighed and I wanted to strangle him. “We’ve had to put Leighton into a medically induced coma. Right now her heart rate is dangerously low. If we were to take her off of the machines, her organs will begin to fail and her heart would quite frankly, stop. As she’s also unable to breathe on her own, it makes our job harder. The next twenty-four hours will be very touch and go, if you will. If Leighton wakes up, there’s a high chance she will come out of the coma with brain damage. That could be either mental or physical disability or memory loss. But that’s if she wakes up. There is a chance she may never wake up in a state like this. Her body is more than exhausted. Right now we’re just waiting to see what happens next.”

There was not a lot that came after that. All I remember was white noise and people calling my name as I fell to the floor, a total wreck. Tears were escaping my eyes and I felt like I was having a panic attack again on the floor of the waiting room. I could hardly breathe; my legs went numb, my whole body went numb. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest- I could physically feel the pain. Not Leighton. Not her. This wasn’t fair; she didn’t deserve this. I deserved this- god what I would do to take her place right now. I would do everything in my power to trade place with her. She deserved a long and healthy life, raising Lucas and being happy. If anything, I was the one that deserved this pain and suffering. God knows I deserve it.

Don’t hurt her/

***

I sat outside of her hospital room for an hour. Her parents went in first, her mom an absolute mess. I know I’d be the same when I went in. I couldn’t imagine something like this ever happening to Lucas.
I’d called him earlier, telling him ‘mommy’s at the sick place’ because he wouldn’t understand what a hospital was. He asked if she was going to be okay. I just lied and said yes. I had no idea how she was going to be. When he told me to tell her how he’d help with the cookies next time, I told him I had to go. I couldn’t hear it anymore- it was just too much. He might never see his mother again and the last time he did, was when he told her he hated her.

I even let Hilary go in before me with Jared, and then Tim and Tate. I couldn’t bring myself to see her. I don’t think she’d want me to see her either. She kept her health problems from me for so long, why would she want me to see her at her worst? I made Hilary tell me everything she knew, from the inability to gain weight to the heart problems. I can’t believe Leighton wouldn’t tell me about something like this. Heart failure- she didn’t tell me about heart failure. We could have done so much more for her, but now she was lying in a hospital bed with the support of a machine.

She can’t breathe on her own.

I might really lose her. As I sat outside her hospital room, I let it finally sink in. I could lose Leighton- for good. This wasn’t like the break up. At least broken up she’d still be in my life. But the possibility of Leighton dying? I don’t think I could survive that. I don’t think I could raise Lucas by myself after losing such a huge part of me.

I threw my empty cup of coffee in the trash can beside me, wiping my eyes to try and keep myself awake. It was almost midnight and I was still at the hospital. Leighton’s parents had decided to go home only an hour ago, and I didn’t blame them. Being here was too hard on them. It was hard on me too, but I felt like I deserved the pain, so I stayed.

Hilary wanted to stay with me, but had to get home to Alexandra. She said she’d be back in the morning though, and I even gave her my house keys (well she stole them from me) so she could get clothes for Leighton and I. I’d probably left clothes somewhere in the house, if Leighton hadn’t discarded them already. As for Jared, I let him go back to Parker, considering she was looking after Lucas by herself and because she was pregnant, it probably wasn’t easy.

So here we were, Tim, Tate, Garrett and I, stretched out over a couple of shitty chairs, waiting for…something to happen.

“You two should go home.” I said, looking over at Garrett and Tate. Tate looked exhausted, leaning her head on Garrett’s shoulder. “Get some sleep.”

“No, I want to stay.” Tate said, her eyes struggling to stay open.

“I’ll call you first thing in the morning if there’s any progression.” I said, my voice cracking.
Tate hesitated.

“Go home, Tate. You need to sleep.” Tim sighed, sending her a look. “I’ll need you to take over for Lei in the warehouse.”

“Yeah, okay,” she nodded softly, slightly out of it. “Okay. Take care. Both of you, you hear me?” She said firmly, more so to me. She stood, cupping my face. “I mean it, don’t…don’t do something stupid and get yourself hurt. She’ll need you when she wakes up.”

“I won’t,” I murmured, looking her in the eyes. They were empty. She looked back at me, as if to say, she’s going to wake up.

“Good,” she nodded, kissing my cheek before giving Tim a hug. I said goodbye to Garrett before it was just Tim and I, one of my oldest friends, sitting outside the room of my barely-there girlfriend.

“Shit,” he breathed out, shaking his head. “Go in there, man. Go see her.”

I felt my hands shake. The anxiety was building up. I felt like such a failure, not going in there to see her, but at the same time, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go in there and see her hooked up to all of the machines. It was too hard.

“Y’know…if you wanna…cry, I won’t tell anyone.” He offered carefully.

“I don’t need to cry. It’s not going to help anything.” I mumbled, looking down at my hands. “Ashley probably wants you home.”

“Oh right, I’m going to leave you here by yourself,” Tim scoffed, sending me a look. “Right.”

“I’m capable of looking after myself.” I claimed stubbornly.

He rolled his eyes and didn’t answer.

We sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes before I asked the question that had been eating away at me for the past few hours.

“Does she really look as thin as they say she is?” I asked, my voice breaking once and for all. I was done. I was weak. This was hurting far too much. All I wanted to do; was hold her in my arms, but I was too scared I was going to break her.

Tim nodded hesitantly. “Yeah, man. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. She’s sick, dude. When she wakes up she’s going to be taking a lot of time off to recover- not just from the fall, but from the weight loss too.”

“Shit,” I whimpered pathetically, looking up at the ceiling so the tears wouldn’t threaten to fall. “Dude, they said she might wake up with brain damage, or she could be…fuck, she could be disabled. I don’t know how to look after a disabled girl!”

Before I knew it, I was breaking down in my best friends’ arms, like the weak man I was. I hated being this emotionally vulnerable. It took so long to finally do that with Leighton, because she was the only person I trusted and loved well enough to be that open with. I couldn’t ever picture myself opening up to another woman or falling in love with anybody besides her.

It was Leighton…that’s all there was to it.