White Walls

“John, be serious about this!” She wasn’t very convincing as she giggled straight after her demand.

Maybe it was because I was kissing her neck instead of listening to her talk about wills and shit. I wasn't ready to talk about that stuff just yet. I needed to focus on this baby.

“I don’t wanna talk about this stuff, Lei.” I whined, closing my eyes.

“Well we have to! Your little boy is gonna be here in like, two weeks. We need to talk about what’s gonna happen if something happens to one of us.” She said frmly, covering my lips with her hand.

“Nothing’s gonna happen to us though, are you planning on leaving me?” I teased.

“As soon as he’s out.” She said, seriously.

I rolled my eyes, licking her hand so she’d remove it. “Lei this is morbid.”

“So? Be a man. What are you going to do if something happens to me in…two years? What are you going to do with Lucas?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. “I think you should think about getting financial help from-“

“Leighton,” I snapped, growing irritated. “I told you, we are more than financially safe.”

“Yeah but you don’t know what could happen. Funerals are expensive, John.” She sighed.

“Well it’s a good thing, you won’t have to worry about that until I die, eighty years from now.” I scoffed. “I told you, I’m dying first.”

“Baby you can’t control that,” she chuckled, bringing the forms onto her stomach. Well, our sons head, probably.

“I will do it myself if I have to, Miss Johnson.” I warned, kissing her cheek. “Why can’t we do this when he’s older? Nothing will happen to us.”

“Because if I don’t get on your back about this now, we’ll never get around to it,” she stated arrogantly. “Now come on. We’ve got our godparents sorted, but what’s gonna happen if-“

“I leave everything I have to you, all the money, valuables, possessions, everything is yours. Done.” I said simply with a shrug. “Now can we make out?”

She frowned, sitting up straight. “You’d leave everything to me?”

“Well duh, who else am I gonna leave it all to? I want you to have my money and I want you to have…well whatever you want, I guess.” I mumbled.

“But don’t you want your parents to have anything? Or your brothers?” She asked, a little surprised. I don’t know why, she should have expected I’d give everything to her. It was obvious, wasn’t it?

“I know you’d do something important with what I have, though. You’d probably put it all towards Lucas’ education or something.” I assumed.

“Well yeah, of course.” She nodded, leaning down to kiss me. “I want you to have everything I have too.”

“Then we’ve got it sorted,” I mumbled. “No more talking.”

“John,” she giggled, as my lips attacked her neck. “We have to fill out-“

I grabbed the papers from her hands and threw them over my shoulder. We had no time for paper work right now, just love. Lots and lots of love (and other stuff…)

***

9:03am, Friday Morning.

I woke up at the sound of a knocking on the door. I looked up to see Eric standing in the doorway, a sad smile on his face. I wiped my eyes on the back of my hand, my neck aching from my awkward position I’d fallen asleep in last night. I was exhausted, and fell asleep in the chair beside Lei’s bed with my head resting by hers.

“Hey man,” I croaked, my voice almost gone.

“You sound rough.” Eric sighed, entering the room, hands shoved into his pockets. “But at least you got some sleep, huh?”

“Yeah,” I nodded quietly, my eyes flashing back to Lei, hoping for her eyes to be open too. They weren’t, though, and my hope was dwindling. “She’s…been pretty much the same.” One of the numbers on the machine was lower than yesterday but I didn’t feel like bringing that up in case somebody said something I didn’t want to hear.

Eric nodded, his eyes softening as he looked over at her. “God I hope she’s into short hair, huh?”

I tried to go along with it to lighten the mood, but I couldn’t. I was empty.

“Jac’s in the hall with Lucas,” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Jared said he was upset last night because he was missing you two. He’s had a bad morning, wouldn’t stop crying in the car.”

My eyes watered and my heart ached as I stood. “Shit.” I followed him out into the hall where Jac was with my son, and took him in my arms immediately. “Hey bub, daddy’s here, it’s okay.” I murmured softly, trying to calm down his whimpers. At least he wasn’t bawling, I don’t think I could have handled that. I mean, I was barely handling this as it was.

“D-dada…” he sniffed, burying his face into my chest. “I w-want m-mama.”

I sighed, knowing I was going to have to tell him. He wouldn’t understand everything, so I’d have to translate it into three-year-old words. God, Lei was so much better at this than I was. “I know you do, Luke,” I murmur, sitting him down in the hall. “Look buddy, mommy was…she hurt herself, okay? She’s really sick right now.”

“B-but she’ll be okay? We h-have to teach her b-baseball, daddy.” Lucas mumbled, looking down at the
bear he’d brought with him.

“I don’t know, Lucas. I don’t know if mommy will be okay. She’s really hurt.” I explain. “They had to do a big surgery on her, so we don’t know if she’s going to be okay yet.”

His lip quivered, his eyes filling with huge tears. Oh no. If he was going to start crying, I’d start crying, and that was not a good look. “I w-want m-mama…”

“Hey bub, I can take you to see mama,” I said softly, wiping the tears from beneath his sad little eyes. “She’s in a coma, okay? Which is like a big sleep, so she can’t talk or wake up right now.”

“O-okay,” he nodded, before clinging to me tightly as I stood. I rubbed his back, standing there for a moment to calm him down. Looking over to where Eric and Jac sat, I could see they didn’t look as hopeful as I needed them too. For some reason Eric looked like he was at peace with it all, prepared, almost. Jac looked numb, emotionless. They looked like they knew what was going to happen, like they were coming to terms with it.

“You guys don’t have to stay.” I mumbled as I rocked Lucas back and forth in my arms.

“Not going anywhere.” Jac mumbled, shaking her head. Eric sent me a look confirming her statement. I guess marriage really did turn them into one solid unit.

I leave them in the hall before heading back into Leighton’s room with Lucas in my arms. Instantly, he hid his face back into my chest, not wanting to look up. “Hey bub, it’s okay to be scared.” I cooed, rubbing his back.

“I d-don’t wanna see m-mama hurt.” He whimpered quietly, breaking my heart.

“I know buddy,” I sighed. “You don’t have to see mommy if you really don’t want to.”

“Can you tell her I love her?” The way he asked me almost shrank him in my arms. It’s like I was holding a tiny baby instead of a growing three-year-old. He sounded so small, so scared.

“You can tell her that, bub.” I encouraged, kissing his cheek.

“I can’t. I told her I h-hated her. Can you tell her I don’t h-hate her?” He whimpered in shame.

“Lucas,” I sighed, sitting down beside Lei’s bed. “Mommy knows you don’t hate her. She knows you were upset and you didn’t mean those words.”

“No she doesn’t! She thinks I don’t love her!” Lucas exclaimed, pulling away and looking up at me with scared eyes. “I yelled at mama!”

“Lucas it’s okay,” I murmured, trying to soothe him. “Mommy knows, okay? It’s her job to know- mommy knows you love her.”

“But we have to tell her more!” He sniffed, wiping his nose on my shirt. I didn’t even care at this point; I probably looked and smelled just as bad anyway. “So she’s ha-happy when she wakes up d-daddy.”

“Buddy she might not wake up,” I sighed, keeping my arms tightly around him. Maybe if I hugged him hard enough I wouldn’t feel the pain anymore. “That’s the thing. We don’t know-“

“Why not?!”

“Because that’s just how it is, Luke,” I choked, trying my best to be strong for him. “It’s not fair, but that’s how this is.”

“D-dada I don’t w-want m-mama to be hurt.” He whimpered, before bursting into tears, falling to tiny little pieces in my arms.

I couldn’t help but crack right down the middle.

***

12.36pm, Friday Afternoon

It was quiet. All that could be heard were the beeping of the machines keeping Leighton going. I sat in her room alone, like I’d asked to be this morning. It was ironic to think that yesterday I didn’t want to go in her room but now I didn’t want to leave her side. I don’t care if the sight of her hurt, I wasn’t going to let her go through this alone.

Eric and Jac were still here, they were outside the room talking in hushed voices they didn’t think I could hear. At one point they were talking about my mental stability only to then discuss starting a family. If they put off their own happiness because of me again, I’d have to have a firm conversation with him.

“I just don’t think we should leave him, y’know? If she doesn’t wake up, I think he should stay with us, or we should take care of Lucas while he grieves-“

“Grieves? Babe I don’t think he’s gonna survive Lei not waking up.”

Well, they weren’t wrong there. Half of me was preparing myself to be strong for my son, and to pull through for the worst of it; if she never woke up. But then the other half, I was making promises with the devil that if she goes; I go too.

I was attached to her. She’s a huge part of me, whether I liked it or not. That’s why this whole break up has felt numb- because the idea of parting with her doesn’t seem like a possibility.

“Dada…”

I looked down to see Lucas stirring in my arms. He’d cried himself to sleep, unfortunately. I rocked him back and forth in my arms, trying to get him to calm down a little. It was the whimpers and the little sniffles that hurt the most.

“Yeah bub?” I murmured, kissing his temple. I missed holding him like this. I get that I wasn’t the best dad in the world, and that I’d toured a lot in his younger-er years, and that I probably put more into the band than my family, but I did miss the little things that normal guys got to experience with their kids. I didn’t get a lot of time to hold him when he was a baby, or just enjoy those slow mornings where nothing would get done but you’d be holding this crazy little kid, so it didn’t matter if the house was a mess or the washing never got done. Because he mattered. The rest of it didn’t.

From now on I was going to put more effort into enjoying and appreciating those kinds of moments. But if I had to do that alone, as a single father because Leighton didn’t make it, I don’t think I could do it. I couldn’t go on enjoying what she’d never get to feel again. She deserved to feel it a hell of a lot more than I did.

“I wanna go home,” he whispered quietly. “See-seeing mommy makes me-me sad.” He admitted, almost ashamed.

“That’s okay bud, you can go home.” I nodded.

“I want you to come too.” He said sadly, reaching up and placing a tiny hand on either side of my face. I couldn’t send him back to Jared’s, or home with Eric and Jac. I knew I had to be with him right now. He needed me, I wasn’t going to leave him.

I looked over at Leighton, who continued to lay still beside us. It was a Friday, she’d be at work, doing what it is that she does best. But the last time she went to work, she fainted. Seems like she was doing a pretty good job at this too.

“Yeah okay, we can go home,” I sighed, pulling him into my chest for a tight hug. “But daddy will have to come back to stay with mommy tonight, okay? You can stay with grandma and grandpa.”

“Okay,” Lucas nodded softly.

I nodded and stood, walking over to Leighton’s bed. I leant over and kissed her forehead, before rubbing her arm softly. “I’ll be back later babe.” I murmured. Walking out of her room, Eric and Jac looked up from their ‘deep and meaningful’ make out session. I guess they were making up for their shortened honey moon.

“Everything okay?” Eric asked, a slight blush on his cheeks. He never got embarrassed about hooking up with Jac. He told me too much, to be honest. I guess when you get married you get…some sort of dignity.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna take Luke to my parents for a little bit. I’ll come back tonight though, stay here.” I explained. I didn’t want them to think I was just leaving her.

“Yeah okay,” Jac nodded softly, standing. “Do you mind if we sit with her?”

“Go for it,” I nodded. “But you guys know you don’t have to stay all day. I’m sure you-“

“I want to be here,” Jac interrupted a little more firmer. Eric sent me a ‘let her be’ look from behind Jac and I finally understood. It wasn’t just me that was losing someone, it was so much more than that. Jac and Hilary were her sisters almost. Then there was her parents, Tate and Tim, everyone in her work place. Leighton meant so much to so many other people besides myself, and I hadn’t realised because it always felt like she was only mine, just mine and Lucas’. It was touching, in a way.

“Stay as long as you like.”

Lucas and I left the hospital, not saying much to each other as I drove to my parents’ house. I glanced in the rear view mirror to look at him in the backseat of my truck. “You hungry bud? I can get you something to eat.”

He shook his head quietly, keeping to himself. I sighed, hoping he’d be okay. I couldn’t imagine losing my mother. He and Lei had such a special bond, one that I’d never be able to compare too. I felt like a failure trying to match her parenting.

We soon arrived at my family home, and I was more nervous than anything. I hadn’t seen my parents since I had that blow out with my old man. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door, something I hardly ever did. But these days I didn’t feel like I deserved anything, not even being a welcomed guest in my family home.

The door opened a few moments later, and I was greeted with a sympathetic smile from my mother.

“Hi sweets, come in.” She said softly, pulling me and Lucas in for a tight hug.

“Hey ma,” I choked, feeling the emotions rise as my throat began to close up.

“Oh darling,” she sighed, rubbing my back. “Let me take little Lucas to grandpa and then we can talk okay?” She nodded, taking Lucas out of my arms. “How are you, my little man?” She cooed as she walked into the living room while I made myself comfortable at the kitchen table.

My mother returned and headed straight for the kettle. “Coffee, sweets?” She asked softly.

I nodded, looking down at my hands.

“I’m sure you’ve had plenty of that over the past day and a half, hmm?” She asked, looking over at me.
I nodded again, too weak to say anything.

“Oh honey,” she cooed, making her way into the seat beside mine. I remember the days when I’d only be as tall as her waist, and always be looking up at her. Now I towered over her and it seemed she was the smaller one. It made it harder to feel protected by her, like I had to protect her and myself. I don’t know if I could do that. She rubbed my back like she did in the hall, and like she used to when I was little. I was always close with my mother growing up.

“Ma, she could die,” I murmured, my eyes turning glassy to the point where I couldn’t see out of them. “This time tomorrow Lucas might not have a mom anymore. I could be raising him alone for the rest of my life.”

“If that happens, you won’t be alone, darling,” she sighed, holding my hands on the table. I missed all of the pet names she used to call me. I hated them as a kid, but now I’d do anything to go back to those days. “you’ll have your father, your brothers, you’ll have me, and you’ll have Eric and Jac- everybody else that makes up your family. You won’t be alone in the slightest, John.” She said firmly.
“Remember that.”

“I could be sleeping alone for the rest of my life, ma.”

“John I know I raised you better than this,” she said, leaving me at the table to make my coffee. “You need to stay positive. There’s a chance she might wake up.”

“Yeah, with brain damage. Either way, Lucas won’t have a mom. She’ll be too sick to look after him- if she comes out of this mentally or physically disabled, I won’t be able to do anything for her. I can’t, ma.” I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

“I know it’s hard, baby. But you’re going to be okay. You might not be for a while, but you will be okay- you will survive this. You can’t be thinking negatively. You owe your family so much more than that.”
She said firmly, lifting my mug and bringing it back to the table. She sat beside me again, turning back into my safety blanket. “Right now she’s alive, don’t treat her like she’s not.”

I got what she was saying, and she was right. I needed to keep it together. Emotionally of course, because about five seconds later I broke down in her arms like the pussy I was. Leighton was always right. We were stronger together than we were apart. I know that was probably unhealthy for a relationship, but it worked for us. It was then that I knew we had to change that. When she got out of that hospital and when she got better, I was going to make a change in our damn relationship.

And yes, I was aware that technically we had no relationship.

***

12:02am, Saturday Morning.

Still nothing but the beeping of her machines; the worry and panic on the doctors’ faces was enough to tell me how this was all going to end up. I was still trying to keep it together but they were making it hard, coming and going every half hour to do more tests and amplify her medication.

“You’ve gotta make it, babe.” I sighed, holding her hand as I sat beside her bed. “I’m going to help you, make you better when you wake up. I’m going to fix every single thing I’ve broken with you, Lei. I’m going to make everything better, I promise.” I whispered, pressing my lips against her forehead. “You
just have to wake up.”

Please wake up.

I sit by her side for another few hours before I head home, back to our house. I was wide awake, and needed the fresh air. I also needed cigarettes. I knew I had a pack left in my bedside table, a pack I’d forgotten to take when she kicked me out.

When I got back to our house, I decided to have a quick shower, in order to change and refresh myself before heading back. The doctors said they wanted to talk with me tomorrow about the ‘next step’. I knew what that meant, they wanted to cut of Lei’s fucking life support, the only machine keeping her alive.

That was when it got really intense. I bottled it up of course, trying to look strong in front of them, even though I was dying inside. I’d never have the guts to actually make that decision, so I don’t know why they were going to bother with me. The nurses should have been able to pick up that weakness in me. God knows everybody else could probably see it.

Going into our bedroom made me nervous, as I hadn’t been back here for almost a good couple of weeks now. I didn’t want to see if she’d erased me completely from her life. I know it would be hard with Lucas as a constant reminder, but it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t try.

I was relieved to see everything to be as normal, the only stuff missing being the things I’d taken with me. That and the photo of us on her nightstand was faced down. On the floor. She had her reasons; I supported them because I probably deserved it.

The bed was still unmade, her pajamas on the floor. Well, my jersey and a pair of incredibly small shorts. God I’d do anything to be laying in bed beside her as she wore my jersey. I just wanted to go back to a time where everything was good, and we were alright.

I sighed deeply, making my way to my nightstand to retrieve the smokes I was sure I’d left behind. It didn’t surprise me that they were gone. Either Leighton had smoked them all out of stress or she’d simply binned them in spite of me. Well, it wouldn’t really be in spite, she tended to throw out a lot of my cigarettes or joints, as a way of getting me to quit. She never asked me to quit, but she was fond on dropping the hints.

I walked around the bed to her side to see if they were in her nightstand. I pushed my way through random knick knacks and accessories for my pack, hoping they’d be in here.
But they weren’t, instead my fingers found something else- a small velvet box.

Oh shit.

I pulled the dark blue box out of the draw and with shaking hands I opened it. There was no doubt it was a men’s wedding ring. Holy shit. She was planning on proposing. To me. A sick feeling began brewing in my stomach as I began putting it all together. She’d obviously changed her mind about asking me as of recently, but she did plan on asking me at one point and that warmed my heart. But only for a second because as soon as I went into that mind frame, the thought of her barely hanging on in the hospital bed made my heart break. I’d hurt her so much that she didn’t feel like marrying me anymore, and now I couldn’t make it up to her and ask her because she might not wake up.

This was all my fault.

***

3.17am, Saturday Morning.

I was sitting idly beside Leighton’s bed, holding her hand when I felt her move. I’d taken the engagement ring I bought for her years ago and placed it on her ring finger earlier after returning to the hospital and calming myself down a little. I was still in shock after finding that ring because of the gesture behind it, but mainly because I was scared shitless over the fact that I wanted to ask her the same question. I was more than ready to marry this girl.

My eyes shot up, focusing on her hand in mine. It was a light squeeze, followed by a tug. Within a matter of seconds she was stirring in her ‘sleep’. I turned to the door, shooting out of my chair. “Jared! Jared get a doctor!” I yelled, before turning back to Leighton. She began struggling against her tubes, eyes still closed. “Jared!”

I caressed her forehead, trying to calm her as her lip began to quiver. “Hey baby, it’s okay,” I whispered, leaning down to kiss her cheek. “It’s alright, you’re okay.”

“Mr O’Callaghan, I need you to move aside,” Leighton’s doctor, Dr Hackney demanded upon arrival. He had a few other nurses and doctors with him, all ready to take action. It scared me, to be honest. I didn’t want to let go of her hand, especially not when she started to choke. “Quick, get the tubes out of her mouth, she can’t breathe.”

“John, man, come on.” Jared mumbled, trying to pull me towards the door once I was shoved out of the way by a nurse. “Let’s get out of their way-“

“N-no, I can’t leave her,” I hissed to him, turning back to Leighton. “Is she okay? What’s going on?”

“Alright, she’s breathing,” Dr Hackney nodded once they’d finally removed her breathing tubes. “Her heart rate is slower than what we’d like but she’ll be okay, Jones keep an eye on her, a very close eye. This girls’ heart needs close attention.”

“So she’s going to be okay?” I asked, my heart nowhere near the pace Lei’s must be right now. My hands were shaking, chest was aching.

He held a hand up at me, silencing me. I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Leighton? Leighton can you hear me?”

Please.

She struggled, but muffled some sort of response, her eyes opening slowly. I watched as they glanced around the room, frightened as she tried to place her location. She looked so different with short hair. It was easier to tell that she was underweight.

“Alright Leighton, I’m Dr Hackney, I’ve been working on your case. You were in an accident a few days ago where you hit your head, you’ve been in a coma since. Do you understand?” He asked slowly and softly, as not to overwhelm her.

She nodded, wincing in pain. “W-why-“

“Like I said, you’ve hit your head so we had to operate, that’s why you’ll be feeling that pain, do you understand?”

Another nod, more pain.

“I want you to talk to me, Leighton. Try not to move your head.”

I was almost expecting her to nod again. “Leighton-“

Her eyes shot over to me, but went blank as she looked back at her doctor. “I-I…”

Dr Hackney looked between the two of us, a pained expression across his face. “Leighton? Do you know who this is?” He asked, placing a hand on my shoulder, encouraging me to step forward. I almost couldn’t do it, not without Jared’s strong grip on my back, pushing me closer.

“Hey baby,” I choked, so relieved she was okay. I went out to grab her hand but she pulled away from me, like I was burning her skin. “I-Leighton...”

“Leighton? This is your…” he looked over at me. “Husband?” He mouthed.

“Boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend, Leighton do you know who this is? You have a son with him- tell me sweetie if you don’t remember.” He said softly.

I wasn't ready for this. Please God, not this.

Tears filled her eyes as she shook her head. “I-I d-don’t.”

I nearly passed out right then and there. There was no relationship between us. We were gone.

Just like that.