White Walls

I laid on my parents couch with my son asleep against my chest. It was five am and my family had just been ripped apart. Leighton didn’t remember me and she didn’t remember our son. Her baby. He was the light of her life and she didn’t remember him.

I had to be escorted out of her hospital room because I started an argument with her doctor. He ended up taking me outside to calm me down, Jared by my side. I think he was there more so because he thought I was going to hit Dr Hackney. It’s not that I was mad at him, but when your life falls apart right in front of you, you tend to take it out on the closest people to you.

He explained to me that this was the least worst thing that could have happened to Leighton after the coma. Of course it was better than her coming out brain dead, or disabled, but she didn’t remember me. She didn’t remember Lucas, or any of her friends, our family. Everything we’d worked for, created- everything she’d created with her work. It was all gone.

Dr Hackney said it would be best for me to go home, and wait until they had any news, rather than stay at the hospital. He said I’d only scare her if I hung around. She wasn’t ready to be united with me and Lucas and while I understood that, it sure as hell hurt like a bitch.

So, I got Jared to drive me back to my parent’s house where I broke down in my mothers’ arms before holding my son as close to me as possible. How was I supposed to tell him that his mother didn’t remember him? She was his favourite person in the entire world. How was I supposed to break that relationship?

I didn’t know how to tell or what to tell him when he woke up in a few hours, but I wasn’t ready to tell him the truth until I fully knew what was going on. Protecting my son by lying to him? I’d do whatever it takes.

I looked down at the little mess of blonde hair resting on my chest. I couldn’t raise him by myself. I could hardly remember to take him for his haircuts, or injections. Sometimes I forgot to feed him, I forgot he needed to be watched constantly, I forgot he still wet the bed from time to time. These were things Leighton was prepared for at any given time. She knew the best things to give him to eat, she had techniques to make sure he was safe downstairs when she was working upstairs, she had a go-to routine for midnight disturbances when he was crying because he was so embarrassed for wetting the bed. She had all the solutions, I usually just stood by idly or waited for her instruction.

I was only a good father because she turned me into one. Without her, I’d be lost. I was just some shitty guy in a band who had been blessed with a girl and child he didn’t deserve. What I would do to take her place...give her back what she deserves.

“D-dada?”

I opened my eyes as Lucas began to tug on my sweater. “Yeah baby?” I cooed, my lips against his forehead. I wish he was a baby again.

“W-when I w-went out with Un-Uncle Havelo, he b-bought me b-boots like yours.” Lucas mumbled, eyes closed. He liked to wake me up quite a lot to tell me random things like that.

“That was nice of him,” I murmured, making a mental note to pay Halvo back.

“And we g-got burgers.”

“Did you get a milkshake?” I asked, knowing he would have. Caramel, to be exact.

“Y-yeah, I got a c-c-c-“

“Caramel.” I said slowly, kissing his forehead.

“Yeah,”

I nodded. “We can get milkshakes later today if you like.”

“Okay,” he smiled against my chest. “Can we go see mama? I miss her.”

I closed my eyes, forcing the tears back into my eyes. “Not tomorrow bub. Mama woke up but she’s a little sick at the moment. We can’t go see her just yet.” That’s it. That’s all I was saying about it to him unless I knew what was going on. I wasn’t going to scare him.

“Okay.”

He was three years old. Three. That was exactly the response a three year old should be having. I left it at that.

Three years old.

***

“D-Dada,”

I opened my eyes as I felt Lucas tugging on my shirt, again. This time it was brighter, and I could hear my mother in the kitchen. I looked over to see my father sitting on the other couch. “Hey bub.” I murmured, kissing my son’s forehead before sitting up.

“Daddy I’m hungry…” he drawled out.

“You want…what do you want?” I asked him. Don’t say milk-

“Uhm I don’t know.”

Three year olds don’t always know what they want. Leighton tried to tell me that time and time again.

“Alright well we’ll go get you some food, hmm?” I suggested, slowly sitting up. I ignored the presence of my father the whole time. I may be vulnerable and delirious right now, but I still hated his guts.

“Y-yes please.” Lucas mumbled, burying his face into my chest.

“John,” my father began as I stood from the couch. “I think we should talk.”

“I don’t think so,” I scoffed, lifting Lucas into my arms. “Luke, say goodbye to Grandpa.”

“Goodbye-“

“John.” He pushed, standing to accept Lucas’ hug.

“I don’t have anything to say to you.” I shrugged simply, taking my son back. “We need to go.” With that I left him in the living room and met my mother in the kitchen. “Ma, Luke and I are going.”

She turned around, eyes red. “Oh so soon?”

“We’ve been here all night, ma,” I sighed, rubbing Lucas’ back. “This one’s hungry and I need to get home.”

“Jared’s or Leighton’s?” She asked softly. I hated how she called it ‘Leighton’s’. It was true, but I hated it. Right now it was nobody’s.

“Leighton’s.” I mumbled.

“Oh sweets, you can stay here- you know I’d prefer you here.” She pleaded, rubbing my arm affectionately. “I’ll make you breakfast.”

“Waffles?” Lucas piped up, only listening when the word ‘breakfast’ was involved.

“Mom, we need to go.” I sighed, shaking my head. She knew about my argument with dad and she wanted us to make up. “I need to call the hospital to find out how she’s doing and then I’ve got to see my doctor and her doctor and sort out the bills and- it’s just a lot to handle right now. It’ll be easier for me if I’m at home.” I explained, the stress only increasing as I vocalised the list of things I had to worry about.

“Well leave Lucas here, we’ll look after him another night.” Mom said, lowering her voice.

I felt Lucas’ arms tighten around me. Tears filled my eyes. “I need him right now.” I croaked, coughing to hide the waver in my voice. “It’s better that he’s with me.”

She nodded understandingly, no matter how much she wanted me to stay. God I wanted to stay, but I couldn’t. I had to go home. I had to sort everything out. “Okay…well call me if you need anything. I’ll make you some meals if you need them.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it,” I nodded slowly.

“And don’t worry about Leighton’s medical bills. We’ve got it covered.”

I sighed, sending her a look. “Ma-“

“Nonsense, she’s my daughter- she’s a part of this family. Just like you are.” She said firmly. One day, I’d be able to cover my families bills.

“Thank you,” I mouthed, pulling her in for a hug. “Luke say goodbye.”

“Goodbye Grandma.” Lucas whined, pouting slightly.

“Goodbye my sweet little boy,” she sighed, kissing his cheek. “You look after your daddy, okay?”

“I will,” Lucas nodded firmly.

We soon left my parents’ and I called in to Eric, who was apparently at the hospital. He said he had to go in for an appointment himself, and asked me if he wanted to check up on Leighton. Him and Jac were the only ones I told about Leighton’s progress, but I know they’d told everyone else. Jared probably told Parker, who’d no doubt told the girls. How did I know? I had frozen meals on the kitchen counter at home. I’d given Jac and Eric a spare key when we moved in a few years ago, so I assumed it was Jac that was bringing the meals and cleaning the house. I appreciated it, I couldn’t cook very well and didn’t want Lucas to be eating shitty food just because Lei wasn’t here to make him dinner each night.

Eric said he’d come around to talk after he was done at the hospital, which gave me time to shower and change. Not that there was much for me to change into, I’d taken almost all of my clothes over to Jared’s when she kicked me out.

When I got out of the shower, I found Lucas asleep in our bed, on Leighton’s side. I sat down beside him, rubbing his back. I needed her to come out of this- I needed her to be okay. She had to recover. I don’t know if it was possible to start all over again.

“Mama’s gonna be okay, kid.” I whispered, kissing his cheek before leaving the room. How I wished that was the fucking truth.

***

“Jeez man, the girls really went crazy on the food,”

I rolled my eyes as I handed Eric a coke, sitting across from him at the kitchen bench. “You think? I only gave that key to you guys for emergencies.” I scoffed.

“Oh come on, you know you can’t cook for shit.” Eric mused, sending me a look as he cracked open his drink.

“Anyway, what’d you hear at the hospital? How is she?” I pushed, desperate for a good answer.

Eric winced, rubbing the back of his neck painfully. “Not good man, her doctor thinks it’s almost definitely permanent, that she won’t get her memory back. You never know with the brain. They also think there might be some like, deeper damage.”

“Fuck,” I cursed, running a hand over my face. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“I’m so sorry dude,” Eric sighed, biting his lip. “It’s horrible. It’s the last thing you two need.”

“The worst part is that she doesn’t remember Lucas,” I said with a pained expression. “Our relationship comes second, it always does, because theirs comes first. Lucas is always first, y’know? And now…Jesus Christ, she doesn’t even remember him.”

“They said she could be taught it all again, reintroduced.” Eric pointed out. “Online, it says that patients with memory loss can be re-educated on their past.”

“It won’t be the same. She’ll love him because she’ll think she has too; not because it comes natural. Their mother son bond is destroyed.” I said, feeling myself getting choked up.

“Not to mention her friendships. Jac is really distraught over it all. Everyone is.” Eric admitted, his hopeful attitude dropping. “It’s going to be so hard recreating those relationships.”

“Tell me about it,” I sighed, “I found an engagement ring in her draw- do you know how hard it’s going to be bringing that up?”

Eric looked up, shocked. “She was going to propose to you?”

I shrugged and nodded awkwardly. I didn’t deserve it, I could see it in his eyes. “It’s a mens engagement ring. She was going to propose to me but my guess is she heard the fucking song and changed her mind. She didn’t want to marry me anymore.”

“Fuck dude,” Eric sighed loudly. “Fuck- you’re god damn cursed.”

I let out an emotionless laugh. He couldn’t be closer to the truth if he tried. “You got that fucking right.”

We sat in a depressing silence for a few moments, me basking in my sucky life while Eric sipped on his drink. I was okay with the silence for a while, but of course heavy-breathing Halvo broke it up.

“So how are you doing? Mentally?”

I winced but decided to be completely honest. He was my best friend, afterall.

“I haven’t been taking my medication- but only because I keep forgetting. It’s not intentional.” I explain quickly.

“Yeah,” he nodded slowly. “But you’re looking after yourself? You’re being mature about it?”

“Yeah man,” I nodded. “I realise that in the old days I would have probably gotten drunk and not given a shit about myself but I have Lucas y’know? I have to be a fucking adult for him. For now, anyway.” I shrugged, the deep dark pit in my stomach making it’s appearance once again.

“I’m glad you’re seeing that man,” Eric sighed thankfully. “You know he needs you.”

“Can you just- if Leighton doesn’t get better, you’ll- you’ll be able to look after him too, won’t you?” I asked weakly, looking down at my hands.

“Well yeah of course, whenever you need help-“

We sat in a weird silence as he suddenly realised what he was saying.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” He snapped angrily, leaning over the bench to shove me in the shoulder. “You hear me? If she goes, don’t you fucking follow her- I love her and I know you do too- but don’t you fucking go too you understand me? Don’t be a fucking asshole.”

“I don’t think I can do it alone Eric, she’s more than half of me- you know I’ll never be able to do a good job for Lucas. I’m weak without her- you and Jac would be better off raising him if Leighton can’t do it- I’ve been trying to tell myself I’m a good father but you fucking know I-“

“You’re a fucking great father you jerk,” Eric seethed, shaking his head. “Screw what your old man or anyone else has ever said- you’re good to him, John. Not me, not even Jared could do a better job at raising Lucas. He’s your own flesh and blood- don’t you dare leave him without a mom and dad.”

“I’m not saying I’m gonna kill myself if she dies but fuck man, I can’t do it by myself!” I snapped, running a hand through my hair. I knew I shouldn’t have brought it up. Alright, I hadn’t planned a way out, and I hadn’t put much thought into how I’d ever go about ending my own life but right now, not knowing that she was going to make it, not knowing if my son would have a mother, was absolute torture for me. So sue me if I was feeling a little overwhelmed with how the rest of my life was supposed to turn out. Sue me if I was thinking about taking the back door out.

“Well fuck you!” Eric hissed, leaning across the bench. “Me and Jac might possibly never be able to have kids of our own because of me so don’t you dare tell me you’re going to give up on your own son- he’s three and fucking scared right now- if you break his god damn heart I’ll never forgive you!”

My eyes widened at his anger. I felt kind of exhausted after that. I certainly did not know that he was feeling that way. More so I didn’t know he couldn’t have kids with Jac. Now I felt like an ass. I was a jerk and I hated myself more than ever.

“I…”

“Don’t,” he sighed, shaking his head. “I don’t want you feeling sorry for me. I didn’t mean that, man. I don’t hate you I just- I can’t see you like this, man.”

“You can’t have kids?”

“I’m fucking infertile, man.” Eric chuckled bitterly. “After all of this, I can’t give her the one thing she wants most.”

“I’m so sorry man,” I mumbled, feeling like a complete asshole. Of course, when I’m talking about taking my kid for granted, my best friend tells me he can’t ever have kids of his own. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Eric insisted. “I just…figured you could use someone else’s bad luck to take your mind off of your own.”

“Can we just…forget what I said earlier?” I asked through a wince. “I…I just don’t know how to handle it all.”

“You and me both,” he sighed, shaking his head. “Shit man. Just yesterday we were joining the fucking little league.”

“Can you believe that was twenty years ago?” I scoffed, running a hand over my face.

“If you can make it through your depression, you can make it through this, man.”

I looked over at him, and it was only then that I saw the stress lines around his eyes. It was only then that I saw he wasn’t smirking like he usually was. He was suffering too. We were getting older and we were dealing with the shitty parts of life. I had to keep in mind that I wasn’t in it alone- but god it felt like it. I know it must seem like I was extremely bipolar about all of this, but that’s exactly how I’d left my depression take over. It was just so hard doing this without her.

***

“Dada c-can I see pic-pictures?” Lucas asked me that afternoon as we sat at the kitchen bench, eating sandwiches. After sticking his tongue in every dish Jac and the girls had brought over, he’d finally decided he wanted a plain cheese sandwich, crusts cut off. Usually I couldn’t be bothered to do that, but his mom didn’t remember him so I gave him a break.

“What pictures do you want to see?” I asked, swallowing a mouthful of my own sandwich. I preferred the bread with the nuts in it, but Leighton liked to please our son and started buying the really unhealthy white bread. You’d think she was trying to gain-

Never mind.

“Pictures of you and mommy,” Lucas chirped, food falling from his mouth. “At your wed-wedding.”

“Me and mommy haven’t had a wedding, bud.” I told him as I reached across the bench to wipe his mouth.

Lucas frowned. “Why not?”

I shrugged. “We’re not married, bud. You know this.”

His shoulders slumped, a pout pulling at his lips. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah bud,” I nodded, rubbing the back of my neck. “I’m sure.”

“Why?”

God I hated that question. “I don’t Luke, not everybody gets married, whether they have kids or not.”

“Why?”

“It’s just the way it is…you see Uncle Austin and Aunt Hil? They got married but now they aren’t. It’s not something everyone wants to do.”

“But they wanted to.”

“Yes, but then their love just fell apart. It happens bub.” I shrugged, not knowing if he was understanding what I was saying.

“Like you and mommy?” He asked sadly.

I sighed, nodding. “Yeah Luke, like me and mommy.”

His lip quivered and he rested his cheek on the bench. He was so weird. “Can you fix it daddy? Mommy is sad.”

Shit. “Yeah bub. Daddy’s sad too.” I admitted. God if only he knew the extent.

“You will be happy if you live here again. I like when you live here. This is our home.”

“I know Lucas,” I mumbled, reaching over and running my hand through his hair. “I want to, but mommy is angry at me, she has a right to be.”

“Why? Did you make her sad?”

“Yeah,” I nodded simply, hoping he’d stop asking me questions. “Alright-“

“She cries daddy.”

My head shot up. “What?”

He shrugged. “Mama cries after she tucks me in. She eats a lot of ice cream and she doesn’t let me have any.” He pouted, shaking his head sadly.

I made her cry? That was a new type of low. “What do you do when she cries?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “Do you ask her if she’s okay? Or why she’s crying?”

“No, I’m too scared. She gets angry at me if I get out of bed.”

“You know that’s only because she’s mad at me, right? She doesn’t mean to take it out on you, Luke.” I told him.

He looked up at me. “Mommy said that too.”

Of course she did.

“Dada?”

“Hmm?” I mumbled.

“Mama said you hurt her because you gived up on her.”