White Walls

“I want you to- John! I’m trying to be serious!”

I ignored her hands pushing me away and continued to kiss her neck. I knew she liked it, she was just trying to be all serious because she wanted to have a ‘grown up conversation’ with me. It was a Sunday morning, where was the fun in that?

“John…” she whined, drawing my name out slowly. God, I loved the way it sounded wrapped around her tongue. She made it her own and it was the best I’d ever heard.

“What? Can’t we talk about this later? I’m in a not-so-serious mood right now.” I plead, moving my hands up and down her sides. She’s always been a small girl, but she was so built- feeling the ups and downs of her toned abdomen was one of my favourite feelings.

“No! This is important- John- oh god don’t do that to me, you know-“

“It gets you hot for me? Yeah I know.” I smirked, knowing how it made her feel. I knew a lot about her body and I saw it as one of my greater achievements.

“Please? Five minutes? Then we can do whatever you want.” She bargained, looking at me with her ‘serious face’. I thought it was pretty cute. Didn’t threaten me at all.

“Can we do-“

“Anything except that,” she snapped, her eyes narrowing at me as she knew what I was about to suggest. It wasn’t my fault, Eric had been going on about him and Jac- he was the one that told me to suggest it. Apparently not all girls were open to the same things in bed. Life lesson, folks. “Just listen to me, okay?”

“Alright,” I nodded, sighing dramatically. “Take it away, Johnson.”

She blushed as I looked over her, laying like a goddess beside me. She didn’t think she looked good in the morning but if you saw her, I swear to god she was one of the most gorgeous creatures I’d ever laid
eyes on.

I think I was falling in love with her. It was early, I know, but I had no doubt in my mind that this was the girl. My girl. She was it.

“Okay, I don’t want to freak you out, but I want you to meet my parents. They know I’m dating somebody and I want you to finally meet.” She said slowly. I knew it was important to her because she was close with her parents. She loved her mother and idolised her father- their opinion was something greatly valued by Lei. That’s why I would refuse to meet them, but I was scared shitless. If they didn’t like me, it was pretty much over for us.

“I can do that.” I nodded quietly, my hands beginning to shake. I slid them under my pillow to hide the nerves I got from just thinking about meeting her folks.

She sat up, turning to me. “If you don’t want to-“

“No, I do. I promise.” I nodded quickly. I couldn’t let her down. “I know how much it means to you- I’ll meet your parents baby.”

She sent me a look before reaching under my pillow and grabbing my hands. Lifting them to her lips, she pressed small kisses over the skin on my knuckles. “You don’t have to be scared. I know it’s daunting but I really think they’ll love you.”

“You think?” I murmured, looking her in the eyes. I never got nervous to look her in the eyes. They were the most beautiful set of eyes I’d ever seen. I know it could be the love in me talking, but I didn’t care at this point.

“I do. I wouldn’t lie to you, John.”

I believed her. It wasn’t hard to. Trusting her was so simple, something I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do so freely after my past. She made it easy for me.

“I know you wouldn’t darlin’. You pick a day and I’ll be there.” I nodded.

“Okay, how is next Sunday?” She asked, kissing my forehead as she laid back down next to me.

“Uh next Sunday I have plans to have my way with you in this bed. How’s Saturday?” I murmured, pushing my lips back to her neck, rising with anticipation.

“Next Saturday is good.” She giggled, pushing me lightly in the chest.

I let my lips wonder up the base of her neck, all the way up to her ear, before I took her lobe in my mouth something I’d just recently discovered she loved the feeling of.

“John…”

Waking up with her like this every day would be heaven.

***

I was woken the next morning to someone knocking wildly on my front door. With everything going on the past few days, I almost didn’t have the strength to answer it. I wouldn’t have, if it weren’t for Lucas pushing me continuously until I got out of our bed to go answer it. Apparently it was disrupting his sleep, and we couldn’t have that.

Eventually though, I surrendered to his kicks in my chest and climbed out of bed, giving him a little shove and pulling the comforter down bellow his feet- because two could play at that game and if I had to leave the warm realms of our bed, so did he.

I made it out to the front door and opened it slowly through a yawn, surprised to see Jac on the other side.

“Quick, get dressed, Eric’s waiting in the car.” She said upon entering my house, still in what appeared to be her pajamas underneath an oversized hooded sweatshirt. My best friend was a lucky man.

“What? What’s going on?” I frowned, confused. “Nice to see you too?”

She stopped, turning around to me, her eyes taking in my body like mine had taken in hers just seconds ago. I guess boundaries fade away when you’ve known someone for a few years. “Didn’t you read my texts? Listen to my voicemails?”

“Do I look like someone who checks their phone when they should be sleeping?” I asked sarcastically. “You woke us up.”

She looked at me, with an expression that read ‘you’re unbelieveable’. “The hospital called- Leighton
went into a coma last night, her heart failed and they tried to revive her but she wasn’t strong enough so they put her back under. She’s critical, John.”

***

Sometimes in life you will become faced with what feels like one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever have to make in life. Sometimes you’ll know in your head what you have to do but you know for the sake of your heart you have to go against what you know is right.

Like when your ex-girlfriend is pretty much on life support because her body is so weak and the doctors start telling you to consider turning off her machines. And you know that you should think about what’s best for her, but you know you won’t be able to survive one night without her beautiful face on this planet. That’s when you start listening to your heart instead of your head. I know I should agree with the doctors, but I don’t. Because I know Leighton. I know she’d want that fighting chance- she’d want to see her son one last time. Neither of us are that good with goodbyes but she does them anyway.

That’s the type of strong Leighton Johnson is.

“I don’t think you should turn the machines off.” I said firmly, crossing my arms as we stood outside Leighton’s room. I almost guarded the door- like I could stop them from going in and turning off my girl.

“John, I know this is hard to take in, trust me, it is for us too,” her father said gently, “but we’ve had a lot of time to think about what’s best for her. This is our daughter, and we don’t want her to be in pain anymore.”

“He’s right, John. We knew you’d fight us on this but we think this is for the best.” Her mother intervened, wiping her eyes with a tissue.

“I’m sorry but if you think turning her machines off is for the best I don’t think you really know your daughter at all.” I spat, feeling the lack of medication take over. I shouldn’t have said that. I knew by the way Eric was shooting me glares from behind her parents.

“Excuse me?” Her father frowned, stepping forward. “And who are you to accuse us of not knowing Leighton? You’re the one that broke her heart!”

I deserved that. But I also didn’t know when to stop, so…

“She has a son, if you’ve forgotten! Don’t you think you owe it to him to give his mother a chance?! Leighton wouldn’t want this! She’d want to live!” I threw back, my voice getting louder. “I can’t believe you’re actually thinking about ending her life!”

I ignored the look I got from Eric this time. I knew what he was thinking. You were so gonna do the same thing, dude.

Yeah, I was, okay? She was my fucking girl, she was what kept me going. I couldn’t raise Lucas without her. He deserved more than that, more than me.

“I don’t think you have any say with Leighton anymore-“

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I scoffed, clenching my fists by my sides. “I have every right to make this decision! I’m the father of her child! She’s my-“

“Ex.” Her father said coldly. He was just as mad as I was, I could tell. It’s times like these I wish someone would come to my rescue. Halvo? You read minds bud?

“Steven,” her mother said firmly, touching her husbands’ arm. “John, you’re emotional right now and I understand that, but you need to calm down. We want you to be apart of this decision, but you’re making that incredibly hard right now.”

Where’s my mom? I needed to break down- I felt sick.

I took a deep breath, leaning against her door as I ran my hands over my face. They were right, I wasn’t making this any easier for them. More often than not, she kept me grounded. She kept me level-headed, and that was what I needed right now.

“Mr and Mrs Johnson, I think he just needs some time,” Eric sighed, coming to my rescue. Finally. “This is as hard for him as it is for you.”

“And who are you?” Steven asked, a frown on his face.

“My wife is Leighton’s best friend.” Eric explained. “I’m John’s best friend. I’ve been with the two through the whole split,” that was a lie. “I know how hard it’s been for the both of them and I know that they’ve got a lot to fix when Lei wakes up, but John is willing to make things right, if not for Leighton than for their son.”

Leighton’s mom looked at us with sympathetic eyes. “We need some time to think. We’re going to go down to the cafeteria, but if you get any news let us know dear?”

“Yeah of course,” I mumbled, failing to make eye contact as she gave me a hug. I didn’t want to see the
glare from her father. I used to get on so well with them. Now our relationship was permanently hindered.

Once they’d gotten to the elevator, I collapsed into a chair beside my best friend. “Thanks for that.”

“If I didn’t step in you would’ve bitten his head off. Not a good look, man.” Eric joked, trying to lighten the mood. It didn’t work, but I appreciated the effort. “You don’t really think they’re going to turn her machines off, do you?” He asked, looking over at me.

I sighed, shrugging. “I have no idea. The final say is theirs, so they might. I just can’t let them do that, y’know? I’ve got too much to fix with her. I need to fix our relationship, propose, have more kids, move house, buy a family car- dude I want all of that with her and it’s taken me this fucking long to finally realise that. What if it’s too late to have that? What if I have to find that with someone else? I can’t give Lucas a stepmom, man.”

Eric sat back, looking surprised. I would be too. “Shit dude- I didn’t think I’d ever hear you say any of that.”

“You don’t think I’d ever get married?” I asked, rubbing my jaw before crossing my arms.

“Not really,” he shook his head. “I knew Leighton would want it but I didn’t think you would. She’s changed you- she really has.”

“Fuck- you know I said I’d never let a girl-“

“No it’s good, you needed that.” He cut in. “You were a little bit of a jerk back then. But now you’re better- you need everything that’s happened- you needed this love with Leighton, you needed the challenge with your depression and you needed Lucas. You needed all of this man, it’s made you a better person.”

“And I managed to fuck it all up.” I scoffed, shaking my head. “Typical.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t have the chance to fix it when she wakes up- even if you don’t get back together dude, you can fix things with her.” Eric pushed. “For Luke.”

I sat back, mentally exhausted. I should have taken my medication this morning. “Why are we having so many grown up conversations?”

“Because we’re fucking twenty-eight, man.” He chuckled, nudging me. “It’s about time for these.”

We sat in a comforting silence, as I let every single possibility or outcome for Lei go through my mind. I felt so hopeless; unable to protect her. That was my job and I couldn’t even do that for her.

Maybe she would be better off.

***

Two Years Ago

“John! Oh my gosh John get the camera! Hurry up!”

I rushed for my phone, bringing up the camera app and switching it to video before pointing it at our little man as he took his first steps towards Leighton. “That’s it Lukey!” I encouraged, the smile on my face so big I’m sure it reached my ears.

“Come on, you can do it!” Leighton beamed, holding her hands out for him. “John look!”

“I am,” I laughed, absolutely in love with the smile on her face. “I can’t believe he’s finally doing it.”
Lucas took a few more steps before falling into Leighton’s arms, a giggling, happy mess. He was such a bubbly little boy. We cheered for him as Leighton proceeded to cover his face with kisses- even without make up she looked absolutely stunning. I stopped recording the video and set my phone down, before crawling across the carpet to embrace the two in my arms. I was so happy right now- I never thought I could feel this sort of happiness.

“That was so good Lukey!” I cooed, kissing the top of his head before kissing Leighton as well.

“Who’s our clever little boy?!” Leighton gushed, wiping a tear from her eye.

“Lei…” I chuckled, rubbing her back.

“Oh shut up,” she laughed, nudging me lightly. “I can’t help it.”

“Aw it’s okay,” I laughed, kissing her cheek. “I understand- he’s getting big-“

“Don’t you dare!” She whined, covering her face. “You’re going to make me cry even more!”

“Aw babe,” I couldn’t help but laugh as I pulled her in for a hug. I may have had dry eyes, but I was without a doubt feeling exactly the same. What was next? He’d be getting dressed by himself, feeding himself- hell he wouldn’t even be sleeping in our room soon enough. He’d be off to college in the blink of an eye at this rate. “Let’s home school him, let’s just keep him in our bed for the next eighteen years.” I mumble into her hair.

“I agree. Definitely.” She nodded frantically, looking down at the blonde haired little boy between us. He looked so much like us, it was crazy. “You’re a little looker, aren’t you, huh?” Leighton cooed, a smile growing on her lips.

“Yeah, and he knows it.” I teased, poking him in his chubby little stomach.

“Of course he does, he gets his good looks from his papa,” Leighton smirked, shooting me a wink. Oh the things I would do to her if he wasn’t in the room…

“That he does.” We both knew that was a lie but I went along with it for the ego-boost, something I needed nothing of.

I was beginning to cherish these moments with Leighton and Lucas, new fresh moments I never thought I’d had the chance of experiencing. Being fresh out of rehab with a baby was always going to be a lot for me to handle, but Leighton had been more than accommodating to the changes and what I was going through personally. She was my rock, and I knew I could always rely on her. But she’d really outdone herself with the support she gave me. I didn’t expect her to be as loving as she was, or as caring, but here she was, teaching me the greatest love you could have. I wouldn’t have been as half as a good a man if it wasn’t for her. She’s invested so much in me and I’ll be damned if I gave up on her.
She fought for me, and I wouldn’t stop fighting for her, no matter what it took.

***

Closing Leighton’s door behind me, I made my way down to the cafeteria where her parents said they’d be. Eric waited behind in Leighton’s room, as somebody always had to be in there with her- if not one of us then a nurse or member of the staff. Leighton could wake up at any given time before she was pulled medically from her coma, and if the breathing tube was left in her mouth for too long while she tried to breath on her own, it could choke her. She was constantly being watch by somebody. It was nerve-wracking just leaving her room.

But I had to go talk with her parents, I had to talk them into keeping her here, if it was the last thing I did. She’d spent the past few years fighting for me, telling the two most important people that I was the man she wanted to spend her life with, raise her child with- it was now up to me to tell them the exact same thing, let them know that I was worth their daughter’s love.

My hands shook as I found them in the far corner of the cafeteria, talking passionately over cups of coffee. I didn’t need any coffee this morning, the constant panic and frustration was enough to keep me going.

I made my way over to them, pulling out a chair as they welcomed me to sit with them. I sat slightly more closer to Leighton’s mom, considering her dad was still giving me the evils. Yeah, he wasn’t my biggest fan.

“John, how are you holding up sweet heart?” Her mom asked me softly, a hand on my arm.

“I’m doing okay. Better. I uh, I’ve calmed down- I’m sorry about before. I shouldn’t have lost it like that. You guys didn’t deserve that.” I admit, running a hand through my unruly hair. I really needed to get it cut. Or tie it up at least. I didn’t really have time to wash it, what with looking after Lucas full time and running between home and the hospital. I probably was the last person good old Steve wanted with his daughter.

“We understand the pressure and the emotions you’ve been under,” she nodded sympathetically. “This has been hard for us too.”

“I know,” I nodded, “and I’m really sorry for what you guys are going through as well. I couldn’t imagine that…which is why I feel you should give her a chance. I know you want this to be over, and you don’t want to see her like this, but I need you to let her keep going. I know she can pull through this.”

“John…the doctors said she had a slim chance of pulling out of this coma by herself. If they do it, there’s a strong chance her heart will fail completely. It’s only putting her through my stress. Her body isn’t strong enough for that.” Her mother explained painfully. I knew all of this- I’d spoken with Dr Hackney over and over again- I knew this.

“I know, okay? I know that. But this is what she’d want. She’d want us to give her another chance, let her fight for her son. She’s been fighting for me for years- it’s her turn now. We can’t…we can’t give up on her, I promised her I’d never do that.” I sighed, running a hand over my face. “I’ve let her down too many times, I can’t do it again. I’ve got so much to make up for with her.”

“What do you mean by that?” Her father cut in, eyes narrowing towards me. This felt like an interrogation.

“I…I want to marry your daughter,” I mumbled, looking down at my hands. I didn’t think that at twenty-eight years old I’d be talking about this with her parents. “I want to fix our relationship, earn her trust, make her happy…then I want to marry her, put her first, like she deserves to be. I want a family with her- she’s the only one I can ever picture that with. Please, let me make it up to your daughter- I promise I will spend the rest of my days doing so.”

“John, if we were to give the decision to you,” her mother began, holding her husbands hand for support. She looked over at him and he nodded. “If we were to let you decide, do you promise to do what’s best for her?”

“Absolutely,” I nodded firmly, sitting up straighter. “The rest of my life is devoted to doing what’s right for your daughter, Mr and Mrs Johnson- I need her to be around for her son. Lucas needs her more than he needs me- please, let me give her this chance.” I don’t think I could have asked in any other way- I know this was hard for them, I know all they wanted was for Leighton to be at peace, for her to be out of pain, but I knew she could pull through this. I knew Leighton was a fighter- this pain would be worth seeing her son again.

“Alright,” her father nodded, looking at me. “Alright, whatever your decision, we’ll support it. We may not know our daughter as well as you do,” he paused, sending me a look I winced at, “but we do know that had you two still been together, she’d want her life to be in your hands. We’ve never seen anybody love her so passionately, the way she deserves. Sure, you’ve fucked up, but we all have. You spend the rest of your life making it up to her, and you’ll be proved man, John. I…god as hard as this is, I trust you.”

Wow. I loved him more than I loved my own father right now.

“Thank you,” I choked, feeling the tears stream down my face as I got up to hug them both. “Thank you so much, you don’t know how much this all means- you’re not just saving Leighton, you’re saving me, Lucas- you’re saving our whole family.”

It was an emotional encounter, with Leighton’s parents. This definitely wasn’t a light topic to discuss. It also wasn’t easy making the promise to make it up to Leighton, to fix everything. I’m not saying I wasn’t strong enough to do it or that but I knew it was going to be a lot of work, with however Leighton came out of this coma. Her memory could be even worse, or she could have brain damage. It wasn’t going to be easy, I knew that much. But I’d do whatever it takes. I couldn’t not.

She was my girl.