‹ Prequel: Don't Give Up (On Me)
Status: Sequel to DGUOM!
White Walls
Miss You.
I’ve been out of hospital for a week.
I’ve been staying with Hilary for the few days, after my parents made me spend at least one night with them. I think it’s mainly because they felt guilty that they didn’t know I was going through all of this when really it was my fault for not telling them. It was a different story with them than it was to John, of course.
Speaking of, I hadn’t heard from him since the day I woke up and we had our conversation in the hospital room. It was hard talking to him now; it felt awkward and…structured. It made me uncomfortable and I could see the discomfort in his eyes without a doubt.
John had Lucas for the first few days, allowing me to get a hold of my bearings, before I took him for the rest of the week at Hilary’s. Yesterday Jac came over and ran me through all that I’d missed at work, helping me fall back into it all with ease. I was itching to get back into the normality of it all, even though I knew that would hardly be the case.
I mean, my hair didn’t even reach my shoulders. John’s hair was longer than my own. When I saw myself for the first time I fell to pieces in my mothers’ arms. I had a large gash under my left eye, from where my face collided with the glass shelf in my office. I had a few other scratches on my face but none of them as hideous as the one under my eye. I had stitches in my face.
But for the main part I was doing okay. I was on a lot of heavy medication now to help me get back onto my feet, to help with the physical pain and help me gain weight, to overcome the anorexia. It didn’t faze me all that much, that I was anorexic. I think it would have been worse if it was more psychologically based, but it wasn’t that deep, only physical. I was determined to over come this. I’d been treating myself like shit for too long- I had to put myself first for once.
I wasn’t about to feel guilty for that.
“La-la!”
I looked down and smiled at the little girl in my arms. Hilary’s daughter Alexandra was the cutest little girl I’d ever seen. She was constantly clinging to me, or trying to find me in the house. I think Hilary was starting to get a little jealous that Alex wanted to be around me so much. I didn’t mind though, Lucas was asleep at the moment so I could use the baby cuddles. I missed having him so little, so dependent on me.
“Close enough darlin’,” I chuckled, kissing the top of her head as we lazed on the couch while Hilary took a call in the kitchen. She didn’t have to tell me whom it was for me to figure out that it was Austin. He wasn’t supposed to be calling her, but he did every few days anyway. He claims it was to keep up on Alexandra, which would make sense, considering we just celebrated her first birthday two days ago and he wasn’t allowed to see her. It was just the girls and us, as we figured inviting all the guys would make it worse for Austin. They understood though, instead making individual visits through the week to see her on the condition that they all managed to ‘forget’ to tell Austin.
“Because Austin! That’s just the way it is!”
I sighed, playing with Alex’s dark curls. She had her fathers’ locks, that’s for sure. It must be hard for Hilary to see his eyes every day, regardless of the fact that he was no longer around. That was so weird to say about them; he was no longer there. Austin and Hilary were the last people on Earth that you’d expect all of this from. Divorce? Custody battle? No way- they were meant to last forever.
But I guess that’s what people probably thought of me and-
God I have to stop thinking about him.
“Dada…da,”
“Yeah baby girl, dada,” I murmured, twisting a curl around my finger. “Dada loves you.”
Poor little girl. I remember when Alex was really, really young, one of the first times I saw Austin hold her, and he was so careful with her, scared he was going to break her. He got nervous when Hilary would leave him alone with her, even just to go to the bathroom. He’d sit between the guys but he’d only focus on the tiny baby in his arms. Nothing could break that bond. He was so in love with her- my little girl, my little baby girl- yet she had no idea.
“So that was Austin,” Hilary muttered as she walked back into the room, collapsing on the couch beside me. She looked over at Alex and a smile tugged at her lips. “You talking to Aunt Lei-Lei? Hmm?” She cooed, poking Alex’s stomach.
“She was,” I nodded, lifting her up in front of us, causing her to giggle among other noises.
“While I was talking to your daddy, yes I was,” Hilary cooed, “he’s a mean boy, Alex. All boys are mean.”
“Hil,” I laughed, bringing Alex back down against my chest. “Don’t teach her-well, the truth I guess.”
“He’s a jerk, Lei. I should be recording our phone calls. Proof he’s not keeping to his word.” Hilary sighed, looking over at me. “I should be.”
“So what’s stopping you?” I asked, testing her. I already knew the answer.
“Him. What else?”
I nodded quietly, not sure what to say.
“I didn’t keep my word, I don’t see why he should have to.” She shrugged, sitting up and staring at the wall beyond the television.
I frowned, confused and already thinking the worst. “What do you-“
“In sickness and in health,” she said simply, looking down at her hands. She used to be brighter. “That’s what he was screaming at me when I told him I wanted a divorce. Sickness and health.”
“That’s not fair- he was being abusive. He shouldn’t have treated you the way he did- he slept with another woman.”
“Sickness and health.”
I know what she meant. Me taking the ring around my neck was the same promise she made on her wedding day. In sickness and in health.
***
JOHN’S POV
“So dude, you at ease now that Lei’s out of hospital?” Kennedy asked as he sat down with a beer in hand. The guys had all come round to catch up as we hadn’t been around each other for almost two weeks. I had other stuff going on, they got that. They were now also aware that mine and Leighton’s relationship was over.
“Yeah man, much better.” I nodded quickly, my eyes falling on Lucas who sat on the ground almost in the middle of our circle, scribbling outside the lines of his coloring book. I used to get frustrated, as I’d tried time and time again to explain to him how these books work, but Leighton just said ‘let him be’ and that was the end of that.
They still made it to the front of the fridge.
“Even though y’know, she hates my guts, I’d rather have her healthy than in hospital.” I mused, playing with the label around my drink. It wasn’t alcoholic- I’d gone off that ever since she accused me of harming Lucas with the way I mixed alcohol with medication. She had a point.
“She doesn’t hate your guts, dude,” Eric sighed from his position on the ground beside Lucas. He’d been roped into coloring with my son, something both Jac and Leighton would make a big fuss about. Really, Eric was just taking one for the team. “You know she’s just still bitter over everything. She doesn’t hate you.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you’ve spoken to her? Were you there when she told me she never wanted to get back together?”
“Just give her time, dude. She’s not going to come running back to you the minute she gets out of a coma. And besides, you two hurt each other pretty bad.” Eric shrugged simply. Oh, because it was that easy, was it?
“Anyway, she’s living with Hil now while she recovers so I’ve got till she comes home to move out I guess.” I finished bitterly, wanting a change of conversation, and fast.
“So uh, the EP, that’s coming out soon.” Garrett stated, practically reading my mind. “Tim’s booked a show in Phoenix in a few days, by the way.”
“What? I wasn’t told about this.” I frowned, a little offended I’d been left out of a decision I was a pretty big part of.
“He figured you’d say no,” Pat threw in. “Talk to him about it. He says you need it, or something.”
Great, now my manager has pity for me.
“We don’t have to play any of the new stuff, but showing our faces in front of a crowd would be good- it’s been months since we’ve played a show.” Jared pointed out, and he was right, it wasn’t like us to go so long without playing a show.
“I think we should play the new stuff,” I said, looking around at the guys. “I think that’s exactly what we need to do.”
Eric looked at me from the floor, his mind ticking along with mine- he knew what I meant and he sighed but didn’t say anything. I know he thought it wasn’t going to work, hell I didn’t think it would work either. But I had to try. I wasn’t going to stop trying until I had her back, one way or another.
The guys hung around for a few more hours before I noticed Lucas was starting to grow restless without my attention. When he became a bit more of a handful, they started to get the idea and eventually all headed off home, leaving only myself, Eric and Lucas in the house.
“So you doing okay man?” Eric asked as we stood in the kitchen, waiting for Lucas’ milk in the microwave.
“I’m pretty sure we’ve talked about this at one point or another.” I muttered, staring at my reflection in the microwave.
“Yeah, but now that everyone’s gone you can actually tell me the truth.” He pushed, crossing his arms over his chest. His wedding band gleamed under the kitchen light.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I mumbled.
“Dude come on,”
I shrugged, looking away. “There’s nothing to say, man. She’s okay but she’s not here. That’s the reality
of it. I’m living in a house I don’t belong in anymore. She’s made it clear.”
“So when she comes back, is she moving out or are you?” Eric asked lightly.
“I’ll move out, and she can stay there with Lucas. It’ll be easier that way- for her.”
“If you need it, you can stay with me and Jac. You know she won’t mind.” He suggests with a shrug.
I winced, not keen on the idea. “I don’t know, you two just got married. She’ll want that time with you, y’know.”
“Well yeah but she wouldn’t mind- we’re all family y’know? We help each other out.”
“Thanks man, but I should really sort my own place out, or make up with my old man or something.” That was a lie. I wouldn’t be caving- it’s him that needs to make up with me.
“Alright,” he sighed with a nod, just as the microwave timer went off. “Well I’ll let you guys go. Just…call me if you need anything, okay? Anything at all man, you know I got’cha back.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I nodded, exhausted as he pulled me in for a hug. “I appreciate it.” I said, grabbing Luke’s milk and shaking the bottle as we walked to the front door, through the living room area. “Luke come say goodbye to Uncle Halvo.”
Lucas made his way to Eric, stumbling a few times to show how tired he was. When he got to him he all but collapsed into his legs.
Eric chuckled, leaning down and lifting Lucas into his arms. “You tired bud?” He cooed, giving him a hug. Lucas nodded, burying his face into Eric’s chest. “You look after your old man, alright?”
“I will,” Lucas whined, kissing Eric on the cheek before I took him. “Milky…”
“Yeah bub,” I murmured, walking Eric to the door. “Thanks man. I’ll see you soon.”
“Alright dude, call me if you need anything.” He said as he made his way out to his car, Lucas and myself staying by the porch.
“Tell the Mrs that the foods good!” I called out with a smirk, in regards to all the food Jac had left for us when Leighton was in the hospital. Eric knew that me and Lucas never got around to eating it, mainly because it was all extremely healthy ‘mom food’.
Eric rolled his eyes and nodded, sending me a look that told me he was getting the same thing at home. He gave a wave before getting into his car.
“Alright bub let’s get you into bed, hmm?” I murmured, kissing his cheek as I closed the front door behind us. “You tired Luke?”
“No,” he whined, even though he was in his pajamas and looked more than ready for bed. “Can I sleep with you dada?”
“Yeah,” I sighed, flicking the lights off as I made my way to mine and Lei’s room, his milk bottle in hand.
“That’s alright bud.”
He muffled a response into my chest as I climbed into bed once changing into more comfortable attire. I knew I’d be up for a while once starting this bottle, until he fell asleep. I’d seen Leighton do it countless times, falling asleep long after I had. “Daddy’s just going to watch tv in here but you fall asleep when you’re tired, okay?” I told him as I propped myself up against the headboard, cradling him comfortably in my arms.
“Okay,” he whined, making grabbing hands for the bottle. I will admit that sometimes I thought he was too old for this, but when I actually held him in my arms, all the ‘rules’ of parenting just slipped away because right here, right now, I was holding my son. Everything would be okay until the last drop of milk left this bottle. Then I’d start worrying again.
“Tomorrow I have to drop you off at Aunt Hil’s okay bud? But I’ll see you in a few days.” I murmured, feeling my eyes water pathetically as I thought about having to drop him off to his mom. Shit. This wasn’t okay.
He mumbled a response as he concentrated on drinking his milk. He was probably too tired to get a grasp on what I was saying. It didn’t really matter, anyway. Lucas probably didn’t care where he went, as long as he was with either myself or Leighton.
I watched him carefully, keeping an eye on his intake. Sometimes he drank too fast and the milk would end up coming back up and all over whoever was feeding him. I’d never been a fan of those moments. Leighton didn’t mind, being a mom. I don’t know what it was, I’d just never been keen on my sons’ up-chuck all over my chest. One time he even did it all down my shoulder and back when I was out talking to fans. He was really small then, so I didn’t get too mad obviously, it was more embarrassing than anything.
Sometimes it felt weird, when it was just me and him. I’d think back to a couple years ago, back before
I’d met Leighton and how I was just a regular dude that went to the bar every few nights with friends, suffering through hangovers together in order to play the next show. I remember going to ball games with the guys and just getting up to no-good shit. Now I was at home with the baby. Everything had changed so drastically within a few short years, and I don’t know if it was for the better or not. Maybe this was the way it was all supposed to work out. Maybe I’d just fucked up what could have been something short of a happy ending.
Whatever it was, I sure as hell was paying for it now.
***
The following morning, I was awoken by a nudging in my side. I knew whose cold little hands they were and I was trying my hardest to ignore them. I rolled over onto my side, only to groan as I rolled on top of Lucas’ empty bottle. Leighton always made a point out of putting those away before we went to sleep. I can now understand why.
“Daddy…”
“Yeah bud?” I sighed, rubbing my eyes before wrapping my arm around him and pulling him closer to me for warmth. “What’s up?” I yawned.
“I need food.”
I groaned loudly, causing him to giggle into my chest. “You’re a little monster!”
“No I’m just hungry daddy!” Lucas giggled, finding it hilarious. Of course he did- he loved winding us
up.
“You’re a hungry little monster is what you are,” I chuckled, “Jeez Luke, you couldn’t let me sleep for five more minutes?”
“Mommy always gets up to give me food.” Lucas whined, tugging on my arm. “Please?!
“That’s because she’s a better parent than me,” I mumbled, sitting up. “You go to the kitchen, okay? I’ll be there in a second.”
“Okay,” Lucas nods excitedly, before running down the hallway.
I take a deep breath before going through my top draw for my medication. I grab the container and dry swallow the pills I’d been neglecting for the past week. It was going to make me sick because I hadn’t been taking them consistently but that was just the price I’d have to pay.
Throwing the container back into the draw, I got out of bed and made my way down the hall to the kitchen, where I found Lucas trying to pull the fridge open. He looked so much like me, in nothing but his shorts. Obviously a much younger version of me, but me nonetheless. I don’t know why it is, but I seem to be appreciating him a lot more than before. Maybe it’s because Leighton isn’t here, and I’m suddenly realizing that it is hard work raising a child by yourself, the way Leighton would when I would be on tour. It makes me appreciate her a lot more also. I guess they were right when they say ‘you don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone’. I just hated that it took me so long to figure it out. I thought I’d realized how much I need Leighton when I went through all of my shit earlier on in our relationship, but I guess I hadn’t. There were things I’d missed, things I should have appreciated and noticed before that are only coming up now. This girl risked her life, loving me. I should have noticed that a lot sooner.
The only thing I can do now, is risk mine for her. I would be forever in her debt.
***
LEIGHTON’S POV
I woke up in the middle night to crying. For once, it wasn’t my own. I climbed out of bed when I realized it wasn’t Alexandra, it was Hilary. I could faintly hear her in the kitchen, sniffling and whimpering.
“Hey,” I whispered, flicking the lamp on as I entered the room. I looked at the clock and winced. It was two am. “You okay?”
She didn’t answer, just proceeded to cover her face and cry.
I sighed and sat in the chair beside her, my eyes widening as I realized what she was doing. There were albums and loose photos and notes and- she was crying over him. “Hil…”
“Don’t, I know it’s pathetic,” she sniffed, grabbing another tissue. “I know what you’re going to say.”
“I’m not going to say anything- it’s not pathetic Hil, I don’t blame you for…crying.” I mumbled, rubbing her back. I’m not gonna lie, I was confused. She’d held up such a strong ‘hate’ for him, it was weird to see her so weak about him.
“Shit,” she muttered, pushing their wedding photos away from him. “It seems like such a waste now- I thought we were going to last, Lei.”
“We all did,” I mused, flipping through the photos. It was hard not too; they were gorgeous. I remember seeing them for the first time after they came home from their honeymoon, I was instantly jealous. Hilary looked amazing (obviously) and Austin knew how to clean up pretty well. I also remember talking about them a little too much with John and he threatened to tell Austin I had a crush on him if I didn’t shut up about it. I think he was just jealous too- maybe that he wanted his own wedding photos.
“But I wanted this- I know that this was for the best, y’know? For Alex, anyway.” She sighed, shaking her head.
“Are you regretting it?” I asked quietly, knowing it had to be more than that. They were always honest with each other. Always. She wouldn’t do this if she wasn’t sure about it. Sure, she didn’t want a divorce, but she needed it. She couldn’t live with him, share his last name or raise her daughter with him anymore. He’d made it too difficult, too hurtful.
“No,” she sighed, grabbing another tissue. “I’m not regretting it, just thinking about it too much. I miss him so much, Leighton.” The last of her words came out quiet, like she was afraid he’d hear her.
“I know you do,” I sighed, pushing her hair behind her ear. I was still jealous that she could do that and I couldn’t. My hair was too short and I hadn’t been able to get used to it. “I know how you feel- missing someone you feel like you shouldn’t. It’s only normal.”
She looked over at me. “You don’t have to miss him. You can fix things with him.”
“I know,” I nodded softly. “But we’re so much more complicated than that.”
“Just…don’t give up, okay? Don’t cut him off like I did with Austin. You guys have so much going for you, I know he’s fucked up and so does he, but if you want things to work out you have to let him fix it.
He needs that chance, Lei.”
I sighed, hating how it’d turned on to me so quickly. “It’s not like I don’t know that. I’ve given him so many chances over the years, Hil. He blew the last one and I don’t know if ‘fixing things’ is something I want to do right now.” I admitted guitily. I know what she was saying. I shouldn’t throw away something I have the chance of fixing. She couldn’t just walk up to Austin’s door and take him back, because he was sick, sick. He needed to heal for himself and for his family before he came back to his wife and daughter. John on the other hand, just needed to grow the fuck up and finally admit to himself that we have a son to raise and that his family needed to come before his career. I understood that for him it would be a hard transition, after being on his own for so long and not having to put anyone else before himself. But it’s been three years, it shouldn’t be this hard.
“I understand babe,” she sighed with a nod. “I just hope you two can work things out in the long run, y’know? I want to be there when you’re six months pregnant in your wedding dress.” Hilary sniffed, closing her photo album.
I let out a laugh. “Let’s see how the next six weeks go before we talk about all that.” I let out a deep breath. “But in the mean time, I think we should get you back to bed. You’ve got a meeting with your lawyer tomorrow and I have to be up early for Lucas.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” she said as we stood, heading back down the hall. “Thanks for everything Lei.”
“No worries babe, we’ve gotta stick together.” I chuckled, giving her one last hug before watching her return to her room. Alexandra still slept in her cot beside Hilary and Austin’s bed. Austin hadn’t slept in there for weeks. Even when they were fighting, they still slept in the same bed.
We didn’t.
I was getting lonely, no matter how much I didn’t want to admit it.
I missed him.
***
JOHN’S POV
Taking Lucas to Hilary’s was hard for me. First of all, it felt like we were divorced and I only got my kid on the weekends, because I was the one that fucked up the marriage. It felt like I couldn’t be trusted with my child. I hated that fucking feeling. It shouldn’t be like this, we shouldn’t be living apart and Leighton shouldn’t be living with Hilary to help her get back on her feet. I should be doing that. I did nothing all day now that we’d finished the EP, I had all the time in the world to look after my girl, my family.
The second part was feeling like I wasn’t welcome. Like Hilary looked at me the way she looked at Austin. Was I as bad as Austin? I mean I wasn’t mentally sick (well, not as bad as I used to be) and I hadn’t been meddling with infidelity, but I felt like I’d done a lot worse by Lei. I’d hurt her the only way we knew how to hurt each other- we fucked with each other’s hearts, and that hurt a hell of a lot more.
But all I wanted to do now was put it all to rest and move on. I wanted to fix things, fix us. It was about god damn time I gave her exactly what she wanted and better yet, what she fucking deserved. She deserved so much better than this and it’d taken me so long to figure it out but I was ready. I was ready to do it all, if she’d have me. I just wasn’t sure she did.
The only thing I was sure about, was that I missed the fuck out of her.
I’ve been staying with Hilary for the few days, after my parents made me spend at least one night with them. I think it’s mainly because they felt guilty that they didn’t know I was going through all of this when really it was my fault for not telling them. It was a different story with them than it was to John, of course.
Speaking of, I hadn’t heard from him since the day I woke up and we had our conversation in the hospital room. It was hard talking to him now; it felt awkward and…structured. It made me uncomfortable and I could see the discomfort in his eyes without a doubt.
John had Lucas for the first few days, allowing me to get a hold of my bearings, before I took him for the rest of the week at Hilary’s. Yesterday Jac came over and ran me through all that I’d missed at work, helping me fall back into it all with ease. I was itching to get back into the normality of it all, even though I knew that would hardly be the case.
I mean, my hair didn’t even reach my shoulders. John’s hair was longer than my own. When I saw myself for the first time I fell to pieces in my mothers’ arms. I had a large gash under my left eye, from where my face collided with the glass shelf in my office. I had a few other scratches on my face but none of them as hideous as the one under my eye. I had stitches in my face.
But for the main part I was doing okay. I was on a lot of heavy medication now to help me get back onto my feet, to help with the physical pain and help me gain weight, to overcome the anorexia. It didn’t faze me all that much, that I was anorexic. I think it would have been worse if it was more psychologically based, but it wasn’t that deep, only physical. I was determined to over come this. I’d been treating myself like shit for too long- I had to put myself first for once.
I wasn’t about to feel guilty for that.
“La-la!”
I looked down and smiled at the little girl in my arms. Hilary’s daughter Alexandra was the cutest little girl I’d ever seen. She was constantly clinging to me, or trying to find me in the house. I think Hilary was starting to get a little jealous that Alex wanted to be around me so much. I didn’t mind though, Lucas was asleep at the moment so I could use the baby cuddles. I missed having him so little, so dependent on me.
“Close enough darlin’,” I chuckled, kissing the top of her head as we lazed on the couch while Hilary took a call in the kitchen. She didn’t have to tell me whom it was for me to figure out that it was Austin. He wasn’t supposed to be calling her, but he did every few days anyway. He claims it was to keep up on Alexandra, which would make sense, considering we just celebrated her first birthday two days ago and he wasn’t allowed to see her. It was just the girls and us, as we figured inviting all the guys would make it worse for Austin. They understood though, instead making individual visits through the week to see her on the condition that they all managed to ‘forget’ to tell Austin.
“Because Austin! That’s just the way it is!”
I sighed, playing with Alex’s dark curls. She had her fathers’ locks, that’s for sure. It must be hard for Hilary to see his eyes every day, regardless of the fact that he was no longer around. That was so weird to say about them; he was no longer there. Austin and Hilary were the last people on Earth that you’d expect all of this from. Divorce? Custody battle? No way- they were meant to last forever.
But I guess that’s what people probably thought of me and-
God I have to stop thinking about him.
“Dada…da,”
“Yeah baby girl, dada,” I murmured, twisting a curl around my finger. “Dada loves you.”
Poor little girl. I remember when Alex was really, really young, one of the first times I saw Austin hold her, and he was so careful with her, scared he was going to break her. He got nervous when Hilary would leave him alone with her, even just to go to the bathroom. He’d sit between the guys but he’d only focus on the tiny baby in his arms. Nothing could break that bond. He was so in love with her- my little girl, my little baby girl- yet she had no idea.
“So that was Austin,” Hilary muttered as she walked back into the room, collapsing on the couch beside me. She looked over at Alex and a smile tugged at her lips. “You talking to Aunt Lei-Lei? Hmm?” She cooed, poking Alex’s stomach.
“She was,” I nodded, lifting her up in front of us, causing her to giggle among other noises.
“While I was talking to your daddy, yes I was,” Hilary cooed, “he’s a mean boy, Alex. All boys are mean.”
“Hil,” I laughed, bringing Alex back down against my chest. “Don’t teach her-well, the truth I guess.”
“He’s a jerk, Lei. I should be recording our phone calls. Proof he’s not keeping to his word.” Hilary sighed, looking over at me. “I should be.”
“So what’s stopping you?” I asked, testing her. I already knew the answer.
“Him. What else?”
I nodded quietly, not sure what to say.
“I didn’t keep my word, I don’t see why he should have to.” She shrugged, sitting up and staring at the wall beyond the television.
I frowned, confused and already thinking the worst. “What do you-“
“In sickness and in health,” she said simply, looking down at her hands. She used to be brighter. “That’s what he was screaming at me when I told him I wanted a divorce. Sickness and health.”
“That’s not fair- he was being abusive. He shouldn’t have treated you the way he did- he slept with another woman.”
“Sickness and health.”
I know what she meant. Me taking the ring around my neck was the same promise she made on her wedding day. In sickness and in health.
***
JOHN’S POV
“So dude, you at ease now that Lei’s out of hospital?” Kennedy asked as he sat down with a beer in hand. The guys had all come round to catch up as we hadn’t been around each other for almost two weeks. I had other stuff going on, they got that. They were now also aware that mine and Leighton’s relationship was over.
“Yeah man, much better.” I nodded quickly, my eyes falling on Lucas who sat on the ground almost in the middle of our circle, scribbling outside the lines of his coloring book. I used to get frustrated, as I’d tried time and time again to explain to him how these books work, but Leighton just said ‘let him be’ and that was the end of that.
They still made it to the front of the fridge.
“Even though y’know, she hates my guts, I’d rather have her healthy than in hospital.” I mused, playing with the label around my drink. It wasn’t alcoholic- I’d gone off that ever since she accused me of harming Lucas with the way I mixed alcohol with medication. She had a point.
“She doesn’t hate your guts, dude,” Eric sighed from his position on the ground beside Lucas. He’d been roped into coloring with my son, something both Jac and Leighton would make a big fuss about. Really, Eric was just taking one for the team. “You know she’s just still bitter over everything. She doesn’t hate you.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you’ve spoken to her? Were you there when she told me she never wanted to get back together?”
“Just give her time, dude. She’s not going to come running back to you the minute she gets out of a coma. And besides, you two hurt each other pretty bad.” Eric shrugged simply. Oh, because it was that easy, was it?
“Anyway, she’s living with Hil now while she recovers so I’ve got till she comes home to move out I guess.” I finished bitterly, wanting a change of conversation, and fast.
“So uh, the EP, that’s coming out soon.” Garrett stated, practically reading my mind. “Tim’s booked a show in Phoenix in a few days, by the way.”
“What? I wasn’t told about this.” I frowned, a little offended I’d been left out of a decision I was a pretty big part of.
“He figured you’d say no,” Pat threw in. “Talk to him about it. He says you need it, or something.”
Great, now my manager has pity for me.
“We don’t have to play any of the new stuff, but showing our faces in front of a crowd would be good- it’s been months since we’ve played a show.” Jared pointed out, and he was right, it wasn’t like us to go so long without playing a show.
“I think we should play the new stuff,” I said, looking around at the guys. “I think that’s exactly what we need to do.”
Eric looked at me from the floor, his mind ticking along with mine- he knew what I meant and he sighed but didn’t say anything. I know he thought it wasn’t going to work, hell I didn’t think it would work either. But I had to try. I wasn’t going to stop trying until I had her back, one way or another.
The guys hung around for a few more hours before I noticed Lucas was starting to grow restless without my attention. When he became a bit more of a handful, they started to get the idea and eventually all headed off home, leaving only myself, Eric and Lucas in the house.
“So you doing okay man?” Eric asked as we stood in the kitchen, waiting for Lucas’ milk in the microwave.
“I’m pretty sure we’ve talked about this at one point or another.” I muttered, staring at my reflection in the microwave.
“Yeah, but now that everyone’s gone you can actually tell me the truth.” He pushed, crossing his arms over his chest. His wedding band gleamed under the kitchen light.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I mumbled.
“Dude come on,”
I shrugged, looking away. “There’s nothing to say, man. She’s okay but she’s not here. That’s the reality
of it. I’m living in a house I don’t belong in anymore. She’s made it clear.”
“So when she comes back, is she moving out or are you?” Eric asked lightly.
“I’ll move out, and she can stay there with Lucas. It’ll be easier that way- for her.”
“If you need it, you can stay with me and Jac. You know she won’t mind.” He suggests with a shrug.
I winced, not keen on the idea. “I don’t know, you two just got married. She’ll want that time with you, y’know.”
“Well yeah but she wouldn’t mind- we’re all family y’know? We help each other out.”
“Thanks man, but I should really sort my own place out, or make up with my old man or something.” That was a lie. I wouldn’t be caving- it’s him that needs to make up with me.
“Alright,” he sighed with a nod, just as the microwave timer went off. “Well I’ll let you guys go. Just…call me if you need anything, okay? Anything at all man, you know I got’cha back.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I nodded, exhausted as he pulled me in for a hug. “I appreciate it.” I said, grabbing Luke’s milk and shaking the bottle as we walked to the front door, through the living room area. “Luke come say goodbye to Uncle Halvo.”
Lucas made his way to Eric, stumbling a few times to show how tired he was. When he got to him he all but collapsed into his legs.
Eric chuckled, leaning down and lifting Lucas into his arms. “You tired bud?” He cooed, giving him a hug. Lucas nodded, burying his face into Eric’s chest. “You look after your old man, alright?”
“I will,” Lucas whined, kissing Eric on the cheek before I took him. “Milky…”
“Yeah bub,” I murmured, walking Eric to the door. “Thanks man. I’ll see you soon.”
“Alright dude, call me if you need anything.” He said as he made his way out to his car, Lucas and myself staying by the porch.
“Tell the Mrs that the foods good!” I called out with a smirk, in regards to all the food Jac had left for us when Leighton was in the hospital. Eric knew that me and Lucas never got around to eating it, mainly because it was all extremely healthy ‘mom food’.
Eric rolled his eyes and nodded, sending me a look that told me he was getting the same thing at home. He gave a wave before getting into his car.
“Alright bub let’s get you into bed, hmm?” I murmured, kissing his cheek as I closed the front door behind us. “You tired Luke?”
“No,” he whined, even though he was in his pajamas and looked more than ready for bed. “Can I sleep with you dada?”
“Yeah,” I sighed, flicking the lights off as I made my way to mine and Lei’s room, his milk bottle in hand.
“That’s alright bud.”
He muffled a response into my chest as I climbed into bed once changing into more comfortable attire. I knew I’d be up for a while once starting this bottle, until he fell asleep. I’d seen Leighton do it countless times, falling asleep long after I had. “Daddy’s just going to watch tv in here but you fall asleep when you’re tired, okay?” I told him as I propped myself up against the headboard, cradling him comfortably in my arms.
“Okay,” he whined, making grabbing hands for the bottle. I will admit that sometimes I thought he was too old for this, but when I actually held him in my arms, all the ‘rules’ of parenting just slipped away because right here, right now, I was holding my son. Everything would be okay until the last drop of milk left this bottle. Then I’d start worrying again.
“Tomorrow I have to drop you off at Aunt Hil’s okay bud? But I’ll see you in a few days.” I murmured, feeling my eyes water pathetically as I thought about having to drop him off to his mom. Shit. This wasn’t okay.
He mumbled a response as he concentrated on drinking his milk. He was probably too tired to get a grasp on what I was saying. It didn’t really matter, anyway. Lucas probably didn’t care where he went, as long as he was with either myself or Leighton.
I watched him carefully, keeping an eye on his intake. Sometimes he drank too fast and the milk would end up coming back up and all over whoever was feeding him. I’d never been a fan of those moments. Leighton didn’t mind, being a mom. I don’t know what it was, I’d just never been keen on my sons’ up-chuck all over my chest. One time he even did it all down my shoulder and back when I was out talking to fans. He was really small then, so I didn’t get too mad obviously, it was more embarrassing than anything.
Sometimes it felt weird, when it was just me and him. I’d think back to a couple years ago, back before
I’d met Leighton and how I was just a regular dude that went to the bar every few nights with friends, suffering through hangovers together in order to play the next show. I remember going to ball games with the guys and just getting up to no-good shit. Now I was at home with the baby. Everything had changed so drastically within a few short years, and I don’t know if it was for the better or not. Maybe this was the way it was all supposed to work out. Maybe I’d just fucked up what could have been something short of a happy ending.
Whatever it was, I sure as hell was paying for it now.
***
The following morning, I was awoken by a nudging in my side. I knew whose cold little hands they were and I was trying my hardest to ignore them. I rolled over onto my side, only to groan as I rolled on top of Lucas’ empty bottle. Leighton always made a point out of putting those away before we went to sleep. I can now understand why.
“Daddy…”
“Yeah bud?” I sighed, rubbing my eyes before wrapping my arm around him and pulling him closer to me for warmth. “What’s up?” I yawned.
“I need food.”
I groaned loudly, causing him to giggle into my chest. “You’re a little monster!”
“No I’m just hungry daddy!” Lucas giggled, finding it hilarious. Of course he did- he loved winding us
up.
“You’re a hungry little monster is what you are,” I chuckled, “Jeez Luke, you couldn’t let me sleep for five more minutes?”
“Mommy always gets up to give me food.” Lucas whined, tugging on my arm. “Please?!
“That’s because she’s a better parent than me,” I mumbled, sitting up. “You go to the kitchen, okay? I’ll be there in a second.”
“Okay,” Lucas nods excitedly, before running down the hallway.
I take a deep breath before going through my top draw for my medication. I grab the container and dry swallow the pills I’d been neglecting for the past week. It was going to make me sick because I hadn’t been taking them consistently but that was just the price I’d have to pay.
Throwing the container back into the draw, I got out of bed and made my way down the hall to the kitchen, where I found Lucas trying to pull the fridge open. He looked so much like me, in nothing but his shorts. Obviously a much younger version of me, but me nonetheless. I don’t know why it is, but I seem to be appreciating him a lot more than before. Maybe it’s because Leighton isn’t here, and I’m suddenly realizing that it is hard work raising a child by yourself, the way Leighton would when I would be on tour. It makes me appreciate her a lot more also. I guess they were right when they say ‘you don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone’. I just hated that it took me so long to figure it out. I thought I’d realized how much I need Leighton when I went through all of my shit earlier on in our relationship, but I guess I hadn’t. There were things I’d missed, things I should have appreciated and noticed before that are only coming up now. This girl risked her life, loving me. I should have noticed that a lot sooner.
The only thing I can do now, is risk mine for her. I would be forever in her debt.
***
LEIGHTON’S POV
I woke up in the middle night to crying. For once, it wasn’t my own. I climbed out of bed when I realized it wasn’t Alexandra, it was Hilary. I could faintly hear her in the kitchen, sniffling and whimpering.
“Hey,” I whispered, flicking the lamp on as I entered the room. I looked at the clock and winced. It was two am. “You okay?”
She didn’t answer, just proceeded to cover her face and cry.
I sighed and sat in the chair beside her, my eyes widening as I realized what she was doing. There were albums and loose photos and notes and- she was crying over him. “Hil…”
“Don’t, I know it’s pathetic,” she sniffed, grabbing another tissue. “I know what you’re going to say.”
“I’m not going to say anything- it’s not pathetic Hil, I don’t blame you for…crying.” I mumbled, rubbing her back. I’m not gonna lie, I was confused. She’d held up such a strong ‘hate’ for him, it was weird to see her so weak about him.
“Shit,” she muttered, pushing their wedding photos away from him. “It seems like such a waste now- I thought we were going to last, Lei.”
“We all did,” I mused, flipping through the photos. It was hard not too; they were gorgeous. I remember seeing them for the first time after they came home from their honeymoon, I was instantly jealous. Hilary looked amazing (obviously) and Austin knew how to clean up pretty well. I also remember talking about them a little too much with John and he threatened to tell Austin I had a crush on him if I didn’t shut up about it. I think he was just jealous too- maybe that he wanted his own wedding photos.
“But I wanted this- I know that this was for the best, y’know? For Alex, anyway.” She sighed, shaking her head.
“Are you regretting it?” I asked quietly, knowing it had to be more than that. They were always honest with each other. Always. She wouldn’t do this if she wasn’t sure about it. Sure, she didn’t want a divorce, but she needed it. She couldn’t live with him, share his last name or raise her daughter with him anymore. He’d made it too difficult, too hurtful.
“No,” she sighed, grabbing another tissue. “I’m not regretting it, just thinking about it too much. I miss him so much, Leighton.” The last of her words came out quiet, like she was afraid he’d hear her.
“I know you do,” I sighed, pushing her hair behind her ear. I was still jealous that she could do that and I couldn’t. My hair was too short and I hadn’t been able to get used to it. “I know how you feel- missing someone you feel like you shouldn’t. It’s only normal.”
She looked over at me. “You don’t have to miss him. You can fix things with him.”
“I know,” I nodded softly. “But we’re so much more complicated than that.”
“Just…don’t give up, okay? Don’t cut him off like I did with Austin. You guys have so much going for you, I know he’s fucked up and so does he, but if you want things to work out you have to let him fix it.
He needs that chance, Lei.”
I sighed, hating how it’d turned on to me so quickly. “It’s not like I don’t know that. I’ve given him so many chances over the years, Hil. He blew the last one and I don’t know if ‘fixing things’ is something I want to do right now.” I admitted guitily. I know what she was saying. I shouldn’t throw away something I have the chance of fixing. She couldn’t just walk up to Austin’s door and take him back, because he was sick, sick. He needed to heal for himself and for his family before he came back to his wife and daughter. John on the other hand, just needed to grow the fuck up and finally admit to himself that we have a son to raise and that his family needed to come before his career. I understood that for him it would be a hard transition, after being on his own for so long and not having to put anyone else before himself. But it’s been three years, it shouldn’t be this hard.
“I understand babe,” she sighed with a nod. “I just hope you two can work things out in the long run, y’know? I want to be there when you’re six months pregnant in your wedding dress.” Hilary sniffed, closing her photo album.
I let out a laugh. “Let’s see how the next six weeks go before we talk about all that.” I let out a deep breath. “But in the mean time, I think we should get you back to bed. You’ve got a meeting with your lawyer tomorrow and I have to be up early for Lucas.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” she said as we stood, heading back down the hall. “Thanks for everything Lei.”
“No worries babe, we’ve gotta stick together.” I chuckled, giving her one last hug before watching her return to her room. Alexandra still slept in her cot beside Hilary and Austin’s bed. Austin hadn’t slept in there for weeks. Even when they were fighting, they still slept in the same bed.
We didn’t.
I was getting lonely, no matter how much I didn’t want to admit it.
I missed him.
***
JOHN’S POV
Taking Lucas to Hilary’s was hard for me. First of all, it felt like we were divorced and I only got my kid on the weekends, because I was the one that fucked up the marriage. It felt like I couldn’t be trusted with my child. I hated that fucking feeling. It shouldn’t be like this, we shouldn’t be living apart and Leighton shouldn’t be living with Hilary to help her get back on her feet. I should be doing that. I did nothing all day now that we’d finished the EP, I had all the time in the world to look after my girl, my family.
The second part was feeling like I wasn’t welcome. Like Hilary looked at me the way she looked at Austin. Was I as bad as Austin? I mean I wasn’t mentally sick (well, not as bad as I used to be) and I hadn’t been meddling with infidelity, but I felt like I’d done a lot worse by Lei. I’d hurt her the only way we knew how to hurt each other- we fucked with each other’s hearts, and that hurt a hell of a lot more.
But all I wanted to do now was put it all to rest and move on. I wanted to fix things, fix us. It was about god damn time I gave her exactly what she wanted and better yet, what she fucking deserved. She deserved so much better than this and it’d taken me so long to figure it out but I was ready. I was ready to do it all, if she’d have me. I just wasn’t sure she did.
The only thing I was sure about, was that I missed the fuck out of her.
♠ ♠ ♠
>.<