White Walls

“Darlin? What are you-“ I’m stopped short at the sight of her. She looks absolutely stunning. She’s only in a mint green night gown, her blonde hair cascading down her back. She looks uncomfortable as she tries to bend over to grab a book from her desk, her extremely pregnant stomach getting in the way of that.

She looked up at me quickly, raising an eyebrow. “What are you staring at?”

“Just the gorgeous mother of my child.” I smirked, making my way into the room and wrapping my arms around them. “I love you.”

“You’re such a dork,” she laughed, kissing my cheek. “If only your fans knew what you were really like around me, Mr I-Knocked-Up-My-Girlfriend.”

“Oh come on, it was funny,” I pouted, in reference to the way I announced her pregnancy. I’d posted a picture a few weeks ago of Leighton and her baby bump with the words ‘I knocked her up’ below. I thought it was funny but everyone seemed to think other wise. I didn’t really care what everybody else thought, I was on my way to a better mental health and my beautiful girlfriend was pregnant. Why should I care what they thought?

“To you maybe, but I’m the one your mother called. You forget that she sees these things, John.” Leighton said, almost scolding me. I think I was gonna find her firmness with our child hot as hell. I don’t know how we were supposed to parent together when all I wanted to do was-

“John!”

“Sorry, what?” I blushed, coming back into reality. I really liked my reality.

“I said, we should go to bed. We have another appointment tomorrow morning. You made us late last time because you slept in and didn’t wake me up.” She said simply, tugging on my hand as she pulled me down to our bedroom.

“Me? That was all you!” I scoffed, attempting to smack her ass but she grabbed my other hand before I could. How she knew I was going to do that, I’ll never know.

“I know you, O’Callaghan. I know you all too well.”

“You wish,” I smirked, going in for a kiss from behind.

“Not so fast jerk- you might act completely innocent but I know your game- you’ll get me double pregnant if you don’t watch out.” She teased, grabbing my wrists and pulling me in front of her. I swear she’s only gotten stronger during her pregnancy.

“Double pregnant?” I laughed, shaking my head at how ridiculous she was. “Don’t you mean twins?”

“You really don’t know how babies are made, do you?” Leighton scoffed, kissing me quickly. “Get into bed. Don’t make me count to three, O’Callghan.”

“Go ahead and make me.”

***

John: it would mean a lot to me if u came to the show tonite.

Lei <3: idk if that’s a good idea.

John: I need to see u

I winced at that message and deleted it, deciding that it would be inappropriate of me to say something like that to my ex. I sighed, dropping my phone onto the leather couch beside me.

“You alright man?” Kennedy asked as he looked over at me. It was just the two of us in the dressing room backstage, with the rest of the guys helping the tech guys load our equipment onstage. Kennedy had done his earlier, and I didn’t really have anything to set up. I left the technical stuff to Pat, because he seemed to know what he was doing with all the mics and he thought I’d just fuck it up. I probably would, so he was right on that one.

“Leighton’s probably not going to show up tonight.” I mused, sending him a look.

“You don’t know that-“

“She doesn’t think it’s a good idea. In Leighton terms, that means she’s not showing up.” I scoffed, shaking my head.

“Well, can you blame her?” Kennedy asked, raising an eyebrow at me. “I mean she’s still pretty fragile, physically speaking. Going to a show might not be best for her.”

“It’s not like she’d be in the crowd, she’d be side stage, away from all of that.” I stated, like it was obvious. She always stood side stage, no matter what.

“Maybe she doesn’t want to hear you singing shit about her, now that she knows there are negative songs about her too.” He pointed out, provoking me.

I rolled my eyes. “I wouldn’t invite her to the show if I was going to sing shit about her.”

“Yeah but dude does she know that?”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “No, she probably doesn’t. I’ve lost her trust.”

Lei <3: can’t. Lucas has a temp.

Great.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

I know I could have gone to the show tonight. I know I could have sucked it up and gone to see what he had to say. I could have listened to the new songs they’d been working on- the same very songs that had been taking my partner away from me.

He was all about the fucking music. I loved that about him; don’t get me wrong. The only thing was he was brutally honest in his songs, and sometimes I wasn’t ready to hear the truth.
Tonight would be a perfect example of that.

Plus, it was raining, a storm was brewing, and my baby had a cold. I preferred to snuggle up in Hilary’s guestroom with him and a hot cup of tea, watching whatever her cable gave to me through this shit
storm weather.

Hilary herself was out, visiting an old college friend who lived twenty minutes away and hadn’t seen Alexandra in a few months. With the way she detailed her plans, it almost made me think she was just creating an elaborate plan to go see Austin. Turns out he’s spending the week at the clinic and wasn’t allowed visitors. I believed her.

So it was just Lucas and I; in this big old house made for a family that had fallen apart in the kitchen, over tea and infidelity. I hadn’t left this bed all day, and it was nearing three PM. I was just too comfortable in the warmth of the thick comforters with the heat of a sniffling little body beside mine. These were the moments I lived for. I know I’d come home once or twice to see John doing the same thing with him. My favorite was when I’d see him feeding him his milk, looking so gentle and fatherly. It was an intricate moment only my eyes had witnessed.

I knew that I’d have to put Lucas to bed early tonight and get a start on the work Tate had left me when she visited again yesterday. I wasn’t keen on the catch up, but I was itching to get back to work. Anything would be better than constantly being watched by Hilary as I ate.

Yes, she did that. I didn’t blame her.

My phone started blaring on the bedside table to my left. I looked over and sighed as it read ‘Jac’. I hadn’t been in contact with her for a few days so I knew what this was going to be about.

“Hello?” I mumbled, keeping my voice down because Lucas was asleep beside me.

“Hey babe, it’s me.” She replied softly. “How are you?”

“I’m doing okay. What about you?”

“Yeah, good. Hey listen, are you going to the boys’ show tonight?” She asked carefully, going straight for the answer she already knew.

“Why would I?” I scoffed, climbing out of bed and making my way downstairs to the kitchen. “I have no reason to be there.”

“Oh come on, you know he wants you there.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to go. I don’t have any desire to go see him.” I muttered. “And how awkward
would it be if I was standing side stage, watching my ex-boyfriend sing? Huh? Everyone would think ‘what the hell is she doing there’.”

“You know that’s not true. Come on, Lei. Don’t exclude yourself from the group because of him.” Jac sighed, like I’d brought this all on myself.

“I’m not excluding myself, I just don’t want to see my ex- is that so hard to understand?” I stressed, “Lucas is sick anyway. It’s mental outside, Jac. He’s not well.” I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

“That’s understandable I guess, you want me to bring dinner around to you guys?” She offered, like the greatest friend that she was. She knew when to quit, which is what I appreciated most.

“No we should be okay, I might just get pizza or something. Thanks though.” I murmured as I began making a coffee.

“Okay. And how are you doing? Health wise?”

“Good, actually. I’ve put a few pounds on over the past week so I’m reaching my targets.” I explained, actually quite happy with myself. I was determined to reach my goal of a healthy weight, even if I was a
few pounds heavier than I used to be before I was sick.

“That’s great Lei, I’m glad to hear. Well I should go, me and Eric are heading out before we go to the show, but come round for dinner with Lucas one night, okay? I’ve missed you.” She chuckled.

“Sure will. Thanks Jac.”

“No worries babe, take care.”

I hung up and placed my phone down on the bench. Why did she want me to go to the show tonight? She knew where I was with John and how I felt about him. Why would she push it further?
Something didn’t add up.

***

JOHN’S POV

“She’s not coming babe,” Jac sighed as she sat beside me on the couch in the green room. Eric followed
her in, giving me a weak smile. “I tried to persuade her but she wouldn’t budge. Apparently Lucas is sick.”

“Yeah I didn’t think it’d work,” I mumbled with a shrug. “Thanks anyway.”

She offered a sympathetic smile. “You doing okay?”

“More or less,” I nodded. “I just would have preferred her here is all.”

“You know it was a long shot, man.” Eric pointed out, grabbing a beer from the table and sitting on my other side. “She’s stubborn- just like you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Jac I’m not keen on your new husband.”

“Don’t worry, he’s only the first one.” Jac teased, nudging me with her shoulder. “You just worry about putting on a good show, okay? Lei just needs time.”

“Yeah, I know.” I sighed, pulling my phone out of my pocket. It was taking everything for me not to just dial her number. I just wanted her here- I knew what I wanted to say and I wanted her to hear it. It was important that she heard me -it was about time she did. I was really riding on her to show up tonight so I could let her know exactly what I felt.

I could just see her after the show. If I didn’t tell anybody, they wouldn’t try and stop me. I couldn’t hold out any longer and I had to do this in person. If I was being really dramatic about it, our future together depended on it.

My sanity depended on it. I had to talk to her, that was the bottom line.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

Lucas didn’t crawl out of bed until seven pm that night, finding me in the kitchen as he clumsily made his way out of the bedroom with his blanket and teddy in tow. It was a sight that made my heart swell.

“Hey baby,” I cooed, bending down to lift him into my arms. I was getting much better at heavy lifting considering I’d put on a little bit of weight and have been reaching my weekly targets. I know it was still early days, but I felt good about my progress so far. “Did you sleep okay?”

He nodded quietly, wrapping his little legs around my waist. “Teddy said to wake up.”

“Did he?” I chuckled, kissing Lucas’ chubby cheek. “Do you feel better?”

He nodded again, before sniffling. “But my nose hurts.”

“Okay bub, well mommy will make you some dinner, hmm? Does that sound good?” I cooed, poking him in the chest until he giggled.

“Can I have mac-mac-macaroni?” He asked with pleading eyes.

“Of course you can, little man.” I nodded, kissing his cheek once more before setting him down. “Go into the living room and mommy will it for you, okay?”

“Okay,” Lucas beamed, before making his way into the other room.

My smile faded as he left my sight and my eyes began to water. Was this what it was going to be like
now? Was I going to have to raise him like this for the rest of my life? The way Hilary did? Alone?
I hated the thought of it but at the same time, I couldn’t even stomach the thought of sleeping beside him anymore. He made me feel so conflicted- I hated that because it made loving him even harder. Was I supposed to feel this much guilt over loving him?

“Mama!”

I looked up suddenly, just in time to catch Lucas as he stumbled into my arms. “What is it, bub?” I asked. Nothing seemed to be wrong with him.

“Mama it’s raining!” He gasped dramatically.

I rolled my eyes playfully. “It’s been raining all day, Lucas. You’ve just been sleeping through it.” I laughed, shaking my head at him.

“But mama! Dada isn’t inside! He’s in the rain!”

I frowned. “What?”

“Dada is singing in the outside!” Lucas explained, as if I didn’t already know. “What if he gets sick?”

Oh.

“Luke, he’s singing inside. He wouldn’t be singing outside if it’s raining.” I told him. I often found myself the voice of reason living in a house with two imaginative men. “Daddy’s fine.”

“Oh okay,” Lucas nodded, like he suddenly didn’t have a care in the world. “When are we going to see him sing?”

“We’re not bub,” I said firmly, shaking my head. “You’re sick. I don’t want you getting worse.”

“But we never miss daddy’s singing.” Lucas pouted, knowing exactly which moves to pull on me.

“That’s because you’re always healthy. Right now you’re not Lucas. We’re not going tonight.” I repeated.

“But you can go- daddy is sad when you are not there, mommy.”

I looked away uncomfortably. “Daddy’s fine.”

“He gets really sad mommy. He was super sad when you were sleeping for a long time.” Lucas sighed.

“Lucas, things with mommy and daddy are different now, okay? Leave it alone, please.” I sighed, scooping him up in my arms and carrying him into the living room. “Sit on the couch and wait for me to make your dinner, okay?”

“Okay,” he whined, collapsing back into the cushions. I headed back into the kitchen and stopped against the fridge, just behind the wall and out of his sight. I ran a hand through my short hair and let out a shaking breath.

I couldn’t let these feelings in. I only knew what was going to happen next.

***

JOHN’S POV

“Arizona how are you tonight?!”

I stood back from the mic and clapped my hands above my head as the screamed back at me, loud enough so that I couldn’t hear the rain outside the venue. I understood that they wouldn’t be here. Lucas was sick; she wouldn’t bring him out in the rain. Also, she didn’t love me; she wouldn’t subject herself to this.

So, I tried to make the best out of tonight. I was doing what I was best at; playing music with my best friends to people who wanted to hear it. This was a good place for me, for all of us- even if she wasn’t here.

“There’s so many of you tonight,” Garrett commented on my left.

“So many faces I’ve seen before,” I added, “thank you guys for coming out tonight, it really means everything to us, man.” I left my mic to take a sip of water before looking at the other guys, who all nodded for the next song on the set list. “So, as you all know, we’ve been in the studio for a little while-“ I was interrupted by the enthusiasm of the crowd before me- something I never grew tired of and was so honestly humbling, “and we’ve come up with a few jams we’d like to share with you. I feel like these songs are somewhat a personal reflection on the happenings in my life- not that you should be expecting songs about shitty diapers, or anything.” I frowned, the thought alone repulsing me as
people laughed.

“Dude, your kid is three, he shouldn’t be wearing diapers still.” Garrett smirked.

“What can I say? Like father like son.” I joked, before turning back to the crowd. “As you may know, we put out a song called These Four Words-“ Again, interrupted by an overwhelming enthusiasm. “Yeah, I’m glad you guys liked it, the Mrs didn’t,” I chuckled, “anyway, I’ve made the decision to put that tune to rest. At least for now…when I wrote that song, I was in a pretty bad place with my mental health, and these days I find that it just gets me into trouble, and I don’t want that, man.” I explained, without giving too much away. “I need a fresh start and unfortunately if you dig that tune, it means you ain’t gonna hear it for a little while. So to make up for that…here’s These Four Words part two, it’s called ‘Visions’.”

The crowd cheered as we began the next song, although I did hear the few boos over the decision not to play These Four Words. I could understand their resentment but at the end of the day, I didn’t want to do anything that would harm my family. Playing that song was hurting Leighton, so I had no choice but to stop playing it live. I didn’t care too much about not playing it, I had ten other songs I would rather play instead anyway.

I drifted away from the mic as the boys started playing, really falling between the notes as I started to sing. Visions wasn’t as obvious as These Four Words, something I’d learnt to improve on. It was mainly about when Leighton left me and also when she was in the coma. It felt like she was a thousand miles away from me. I couldn’t speak to her, communicate with her; I felt alone. The only way I had her, was through dreams and memories; visions. Now that everything was so complicated, all I wanted was to go back to the dreams and the memories- I never wanted them to end.

She was supposed to be here tonight, to hear this song- I was going to apologize through these words, communicate how sorry I was. Well if she wasn’t going to come to me, I’d just have to go to her. As soon as the show ended, I was going to make my way to Hilary’s and I was going to spill my guts to Leighton. I was going to say everything I’d been keeping inside for the past few weeks and she was going to listen.

Leighton was a one of a kind for me. I doubt I was going to come across someone like her later on life if things between us were never to be fixed (that wasn’t even a possibility in my mind at this point). She was so loving, so caring, she was incredibly passionate about her family and about her career. She was very successful with her job and she loved it- it showed how good of a leader she was, she had the respect of not just her colleagues, but her boss too, and she was so well loved by her team. And not to mention many of the fans; I was always nervous about posting something about her in the early days, afraid of what the reaction would be that I was in a relationship. But from day one they’ve been so accepting and so warm to Lei and it made me happy. At the end of the day I could care less about what other people thought about our relationship, I was more drawn to the fact that they treated her with the respect she deserved. I’d always loved that about our fans; they know when to respect our privacy and not to pry into our personal lives. Of course I did post photos of Lucas and Leighton on Instagram or whatever, and I was used to the girls gushing over how ‘cute’ and ‘totes adorbs’ my son was. Hey, I agreed with them. When Leighton was in her coma, Tim had posted something on the 8123 blog about her condition because he wanted to reach out, ask them all to pray for her, and they gave back a ton of support. I understood, considering Tim and Leighton go way back, obviously knowing each other before she and I met. They were close friends as well as colleagues and I know that when she was in the hospital, he was taking it just as hard as I was. He’d always looked out for her, like a brother almost. I’d always appreciated that.

Before I knew it the song was over and we’d gone into Raining In Paris. They seemed to love these songs, ignoring the depressing undertone they carried. Good enough for me- I wasn’t ready to get deep with the crowd tonight, no, I had to save that for later when I really needed it. I was counting the minutes until I got to see her.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“Alright baby, mommy will be back soon, get some sleep.” I cooed, closing the bedroom door behind me once tucking Lucas into our bed. I made my way down the hall and back to the kitchen to tidy up. Hilary had decided to stay with her friend for the night, not wanting to drive in the rain, as it had grown heavier over the past few hours. I agreed with her; you’d have to be an idiot to try and drive in this weather.

So of course not two minutes later I hear a loud knock on the door.

Frowning, I approach the front door, wondering who it could be. Was Hilary expecting anyone? Oh god I hope it wasn’t Austin. This seemed like a totally ‘Austin’ thing to do. Better yet, he probably wouldn’t believe that Hilary and Alex weren’t here and he’d probably force his way in, which means I’d have to contact the authorities and let them know he was severely breaching court orders-

They knocked again, this time more stronger. It startled me and I became almost afraid to open the door to whoever it was on the other side. Maybe I could pretend I wasn’t home-
More knocking. I sighed and finally opened the door, freezing as I saw his face, staring back at me. I don’t know if he was crying or if it was the rain that had him drenched from head to toe. I think it was the rain.

“John…”

“Leighton hear me out- I’m not leaving until I say this.” He said forcefully, not breaking eye contact once. I was so close to breaking it.

“John you need to go home-“

“I can’t Leighton, because my home is with you,” he sighed, running a hand through his wet hair. “It’s with you and it always has been.”

I felt my eyes water. I didn’t need this right now- he couldn’t be saying this to me. I knew I'd just go back to him, and right now I wasn't sure if that was what I needed. I shook my head. “John, leave-“

“No!” He snapped, scaring me. I gripped the door. “God dammit Leighton! I know I’ve fucked up, I know I have, alright?! I know I’ve hurt you more than I could possibly begin to understand, and I know for the sake of your damn heart you deserve somebody else, but Leighton Johnson I love you. I love you more than I thought possible and I know you hate when I use your last name but I use it because I love it. I love how it makes you independent from me and I love everything you are. I don’t want to make you mine…I want you to make me yours. I’m yours, Leighton Johnson. I’m all. Fucking. Yours.”

I could hardly comprehend what he was saying. All I knew was that my heart was ringing in my ears, I felt dizzy and I’m pretty sure my hands were shaking just as much as his were. “I-I…”

“I’m so sorry Leighton, for everything,” he began, reaching out for my hand. I didn’t pull away- I didn’t want to. His touch…it felt different. “I’m so sorry for that stupid song, and I’m sorry for keeping things from you, and being a crappy boyfriend. I should have put you guys first and from now on I’m going to- I’m not going to lie, or abuse my medication- I’m going clean too, I’m not drinking anymore. And I’m going to look after you- I promised your parents when you were in the coma that I was going to spend the rest of my life fixing our relationship and working towards earning your trust again Leighton. I fucking mean it.”

“John,” I choked, tears filling my eyes. “you can’t just say those things-“

“I love you, Leighton. I’m going to do all of those things- they’re not just words I swear to god. I want to marry you, and have more kids with you, and buy a fucking family car and raise our kids and take them to school and I’ll be a fucking soccer dad if I have to Lei. I’d do it all for you, I promise you that.” He said firmly, his voice still shaking slightly.

“Shit,” I hissed, fanning my eyes as the tears fell. “Fuck, John.”

“Leighton-“

“I swear to god you’ve got the absolute worst timing,” I stated, shaking my head. “You don’t give up, do you?”

“I said I never would.”

“And I need you to do something for me too.”

“Anything.”

“Don’t give up on me.”

That, I could do.

My head shot up and it was at those words that I fell apart.

He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me, and I couldn’t stop myself from falling into him.

“I’m yours Leighton. I’m all yours.”